Why is my nearly 4wk old baby so bloody inconsistent?

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

It's because he's only nearly 4wks old, isn't it?

In a given 24hr period he might sleep all night except a feed in the middle, go in his basket no problem, sleep between feeds during the day and generally be pleasant to live with.

Then in another 24hr period he'll spend the best part of 10 hours awake, cluster feed furiously until it's just comfort-sucking and I'm on the verge of weeping, fall into a deep slumber in my arms then wake within minutes of going into the basket, whinge/moan/insist on feeding then not really bother sucking, fall asleep again, refuse to sleep in basket, whinge/moan/insist on feeding, fall asleep again etc etc ad nauseum until 2am when I want to cry/shout at him/ask why at not even 4 weeks of age he wants to put me through such endless frustration and tedium after demonstrating that he's perfectly capable of sleeping BUT JUST DOESN'T WANT TO!

What if I WANT TO SLEEP? If I can't sleep I'll go mad/explode/die and then he won't be able to feed but he doesn't seem to give a toss about this logical outcome should he persist in being so damn frustrating.

It's making me really dislike him sometimes, which is awful because he's only tiny and he isn't trying to drive me to the brink of insanity. But just because he isn't specifically trying doesn't mean he isn't succeeding. Please tell me this will all cease at the magical 6wk mark and he will miraculously develop a failsafe in-bed, will-sleep mechanism? I think I might jump out the window if he doesn't.

I dont' know if it's any help but my son slept at all the right times etc (according to GinaF)

My daughter from about 3 weeks will not sleep during the day. She might do 30 minutes in the pram but other than that, no chance.

This is a very tough time, I know. Do you have someone who can come over so you can take a good long nap during the day when he's not napping well? That can really help when they are not sleeping at night. Can someone take him for a bit at night when you have just fed him and you know it's not hunger but just overall fussiness?

I have definitely gone through the rollercoaster of intense love and dislike. There's hormones raging and of course the sleep deprivation on top of that - no wonder it's considered a form of torture, eh? It's perfectly acceptable to just put him down for a few minutes and walk away when you need to. And sometimes you really need to for your own sanity. It's amazing how this little bundle of humanity can push practically all of your buttons all at once.

Would you like to trade your 4 week old for my 4 year old? I've just had to leave him yelling in his room and I'm doing a iittle MNing while he gets it out of his system. Sometimes I guess that's the best mothering we can do

Can't promise it will all be OK by 6 weeks but it will end. Is he having a growth spurt at the moment? Would account for constant need to feed. Also sounds like he wants to held a lot - any chance just taking him into bed with you? I used to do that with DS1 who was the same - many times he just fell asleep on my chest and we both slept a lot better. He wasn't ever a great sleeper though, as a tiny baby. Other times I let him lie on the bed next to me with my arm round him. Probably not text book and some wouldn't approve but it worked and really, if lack of sleep is getting to you, sometimes it is a case of whatever gets you through the night.

Perhaps try and feed him lying down too so that you can doze and he can feed when he likes.

Any chance of his Dad having a hold for a bit? I was never able to sleep when DH took over but at least I could have my arms back for a bit and at least leave the room for a breather.

Just remember that he isn't doing it to hurt and frustrate you. You have my sympathy though - I love the newborn bit and how gorgeous they are when they are tiny but it isn't easy.

I hope you get some peace soon.

yes, it's cos he's very young and a bit topsy turvy! sorry you're having a rough time but it will get better. speaking as someone due to give birth in two weeks and with a 21 month old asleep in the next room, experience tells me to dread the arrival of a newborn from the sleep/routine point of view but my slumbering daughter reminds me that the trend will be towards ever greater improvements.

this isn't to say things get better and better in a lovely smooth curve! sometimes it feels like two steps forwards and one step back, sometimes it feels like all backwards but it won't be, honest!

and it's not personal! he's not doing it 'to' you - he's just doing it cos he can't help it. don't beat yourself up about getting frustrated but it's the situation rather than him if you see what i mean. it's perfectly normal to despair and think 'what have i done' (er, i hope!) and want to sleep and your body/life back - why wouldn't you? don't get annoyed at him or yourself - come on here and vent! there's always someone who's been through the same thing. even at this time in the morning!

chin up!

Oops, I feel I should point out that it's only 8:30 here I haven't left a 4 year old yelling in the middle of the night - he just doesn't want to go to sleep!

oh and yes to the taking him into bed with you and doing whatever gets you both through the night. at this stage you both need whatever sleep you can get whenever you can get it! good luck!

I got through these first few weeks, until about 3 months, with my dd in bed with me. she sleeps, feeds, sleeps, feeds and although i wake it's easier to just roll into position and feed than get up and settle. i really did feel more rested when doing this. your 4 wk old is meant to be like this, mostly all are, it's what new babies do. Don't blame him, bless him. There is no 6 wk magic marker, maybe by 3 months you will see a pattern develop.

You're all wonderful.

In case you thought I'd jumped out the window, I gave up and went to watch teleshopping with him. He's going to grow up worshipping at the altar of JML.

He slept from 4 until 5.45am. He's been awake and ready to party since then.

I have a wonderful OH who is willing to take the lion's share at night but who goes back to work tomorrow morning and has a job involving heavy machinery. I'm really, really not ready for single parenthood so I'm trying to gear myself up for taking the brunt overnight - at least I can sleep a bit in the daytime, LO permitting.

We're both fairly uncomfortable with co-sleeping because we're really, really heavy sleepers and we're SO tired and we sleep with a duvet and also we're new parents so unless we follow to the letter every SIDS guideline ever conceived we feel our baby is certain to die. I think I might have to move to the futon in the spare room for a while though so LO could possibly come in with me then, less likelihood of getting squished between us.

I know the wee soul isn't really trying to drive me to suicide but sometimes he's just so infuriatingly whingey and button-pushing it feels like a personal vendetta. And when he's in good form he's a complete delight, all big blue eyes and determined wobbly intensity. But he has these times when he's just not right, something's bugging him, and he just can't get comfy and it lasts for hours and I can't make it better and I get impatient and frustrated and want to hit my head against something hard. It's not even like he cries really, he just can't be put down without getting worked up and grunting and straining and moaning - but then other times he is very happy to sleep alone in his basket. Infacol helps but not 100%. Shouting "Why can't you just fcking SLEEP? you little gobshte!" doesn't help. In fact, it just makes me feel terrible.

Thanks all for being there, it's just good to vent. I know it will pass and I can think of plenty previous nights from hell which have been forgotten already but when in the midst of it it feels neverending and lonely and just like I'm going to shrivel up with sheer frustration. I even considered beating the dog last night then decided that as the dog hasn't had a full night's sleep for the last month either it wouldn't really be fair.

I think I'll go find some cake. Thanks again, it really, really does help.

MN is a wonderful place to vent and it does help a lot to get it off your chest, doesn't it? Someone started a thread a while back about what things have you yelled at an uncomprehending newborn/infant. It sounds terrible but it was sooooo funny. It made a lot of us feel quite a bit more normal knowing that someone else had finally shouted at our babe out of sheer sleep deprivation/frustration craziness. Ds1 was a really difficult baby and it drove me nuts to have people say things like "It will pass" or "It's just a phase". But in reality they do change over time and sometimes it can help to remind yourself that there will come a point where you will not be going through this.

Have you got any of Libby Purves's books? They are funny & clever & cheering, about this age and all others.

I think it is one of her ideas that you should think of tiny babies as "weather". As in - who really knows why it's raining today when it was sunny & windy yesterday? & even if you have a theory nothing will change the weather you happen to be getting today: it's just weather. (Luckily, babies do grow out of being weather - but different ones do that at different times - not really predictable. Enjoy the sunny bits; and have some gin or chocolate or a silly video set aside for rainy days.)

I hated it when people said, 'It's just a phase', but it is. My dd1 didn't get consistent until 3 or 4 months but dd2 and ds got it by 6 wks. You might not believe it now but one day you will look back on these days as being just possibly the best and most precious of your life (and the hardest).

The best advice I was given was live in the moment. Don't look further than today. Just for today, I'm a good mum. Just for today, I don't get cranky/feel overwhelmed/want to eat 18 kitkats.

And remember the oxygen mask rule - yours first. So if ds sleeps, you sleep - sod the ironing. I used to keep a book in the loo so at least I got to read occasionally!

Well, here I am again. Today he's developed a hatred of: lying on his back, being anywhere near the Moses basket, being held, being put down, and pretty much everything else. I'm fairly sure most of his loathing is directed at me today though. Lots of flailing and shrieking.

I tried lying with him to BF but as I dozed off he slid off the boob and started howling again. Honestly, the only time he's not crying is when he's latched on, and even then he keeps slipping/pulling back off. I'm just doing a lot of crying right back .

How he isn't asleep I don't know, he must be exhausted.

He sounds like he is overtired. My dd was exactly as you describe your ds. I spent more time feeding her than anything else. Around 12 weeks I saw a lovely midwife at the clinic who told me she was overtired, hence the cluster feeding and general grizzliness. The key to improving the situation was teaching her to fall asleep in her own bed. I would feed her to sleepy but not asleep iyswim and then put her in her bed and pat her off to sleep. If she got too upset I would pick her up again and soothe her until sleepy and put her down again. It took a little while but worked eventually. Completely different baby with enough sleep in her.

have you thought about taking him for some cranio-sacral therapy? on the one hand, he sounds fairly normal for a four-week old but i've heard good things about it for non-sleepers and it might be worth a try for thirty quid or so. also, do you have a sling? i had a fabric one and dd just Could Not stay awake in it when i put her into a foetal position. oh, and we also had a hammock as well... poor loves, it must be a big shock for them when they come out into the big bright world.

i bet you get over your fear of co-sleeping soon. it can be a god-send. if you fld a towel in half lengthways, place the baby on it and roll it up at the sides, he won't be able to move anywhere so you can put him high up in the bed in the gap between your and dh's pillows. my pillow used to fall onto the ground at night, we left such a huge gap, but i didn't care as we got to sleep.

Aww It sounds like you're having an awful time CSB... How about trying some colief to see if helps break down the enzymes in his tummy that might account for the thrashing about and crying (sleeping with a tummy ache is hard work as we all know)

Just a thought but it seemed to work for my friends' dd, my dd had bad colic from an early age but they hadn't invented colief back then and infacol didn't seem to work very well. Also have you definitely ruled out the dummy? I personally am not a fan but there was someone I was in a heated debate about once who swore that the dummy helped with the constant crying of her dd and she successfully bfed.

Good luck for tomorrow, you might find its not as hard as you think.(My only experience IS of a single parent so I haven't yet had the joys of a helpful partner- but I survived- just!)

Also, if you wanted to put him in bed with you but are worried about smothering him try a bed guard that you use for a toddler's bed. We bought one and put it on the side of our bed and had her sleep between me and the guard. She slept in a sleepsuit and I wrapped our blankets around me so no blankets on her iyswim. Worked really well on the exhausting nights when I didn't want to get up.

Very little advice othere than to second most of what everyone else has already suggested, but I feel your pain, this reads SO much like a description of ds as a tiny baby. I wish I had thought to try a sling.
I did find all sorts of odd movements that seemed to get him to sleep, the best being sitting down with him in my arms resting on my lap/knees and then bobbing knees up and and down slightly but really fast - sort of vibrating baby effect...still worked when he was 18mo...seems to have lost it's magic now he is a sophisticated 2yo .

mymama - he absolutely must be too tired, he's hardly slept today and he didn't bloody sleep last night! I am home alone with him this week so I'll be able to steel myself and spend time just settling him hopefully. When DH is around I just give LO to him for the sake of peace!

Aitch, that's such a good tip about the towel. The thing that's scariest about co-sleeping is the bit where the tiny baby gets lost in the depths of the duvet between mum and dad! TBH it's a no go just now, we tried settling him in bed with us several times tonight but he won't lie on his back and when settled he wakes himself again by flailing (and I tried swaddling last night but he lost it because he couldn't move his arms ... )

As for the osteopathy, I've wondered about it but he was a breech baby and was born by caesarean - I was under the impression that babies which benefited from cranial therapies were those which had been squashed and traumatised at birth?

Oh, those were the days. He sounds like all 3 of mine. I don't think there's much you can do other than respond to what he seems to want. I know this is easier said than done. Just take things a week at a time and try to enjoy him. Now that my third and last little one is a tantruming 18-month old I'm quite nostalgic for the one-little-baby stage. I think you just have to try to get through it all in a blur. I think that's what I did, along with loads and loads of walks on the screamy days. Good Luck.

i took dd for a looksee, i'd made the appointment when i was trying to save my bfing but it wa stoo late and i went anyway. whatever she did, dd went from hating lying on her tummy to absolutely loving it. she'd had a nap and a bottle just prior to the appointment and the woman had told me to bring an extra bottle and expect her to sleep...
anyway, i had to give her the bottle before leaving the office as dd was suddenly ravenous and she promptly went to sleep in my arms and stayed asleep for the next few hours.
dd didn't have a difficult birth at all, in fact it was a breeze, so i don't think you have to be dmamged for it to help, iykwim?

btw are you in scotland? if glasgow i can pass on the number of this woman.

Dummy?

Saved my sanity with number 3.

oh lord yes i'd deffo try a dummy if you haven't already.

Not Glasgow but would travel, what's 170 miles when you're desperate! Does she work nights?

So good to know I'm not alone in having a stressful baby, so thanks. He was lovely until a week ago!