Five year gap between children - tell me the good and the bad!

[HonoriaGlossop]

MY friend is pg with her second, and her ds will be five years and about ten months when the second one comes along.

I'm so thrilled for her but I know she is really not sure about having such a big gap (her dh has been ill so not been possible to have a child sooner). She is saying it's the worst of all worlds for her ds because he will have all the inconvenience of mum and dad's attention being taken away but will be seven-ish by the time the baby is two and she thinks they'll never play together....she is feeling that the benefits of having a sibling are a bit lost with a gap this big.

I have one child so unable to advise her really. Anyone out there got experience of this issue, good or bad, I don't mind. TIA.

Five year gap between DD1 & DD2 (well 4 years and 7 months. For me it was brilliant, DD1 loved getting involved and helping with whatever she could and they are closer than I ever was to either of my sisters (only 1 & 2 years apart).

i have an 8yr gap between my two and they dont really play together ,but they still do argue and fight . I think the good thing about a 5yr gap is that a five yr old child is a more social animal ,has friends at school and so a mum can spend quality time with a baby while they are at school and then aslong as they organise time just with the older child ,then i dont see there being any major problems . Plus only one lot of nappies !

There are 4 years and nine months between my first ds and my second ds (although I have a dd in between). The dses get on great now that ds2 is approaching 2 and they play really nicely the majority of the time. I was a big advocate of small gaps initially (22 months between my first two) but now I have seen them together I think that bigger gaps can work out just as well .

thanks for that guys. I'm sure she will get to see the positives; she's just a worrier The REAL problem may be getting her ds to see the positives! Hopefully he will like getting involved with the baby but the boys I know just aren't so interested in HELPING, not if it interferes with throwing yourself off the nearest item of furniture, anyway I'm sure they'll find their ways round it all though.

I have 5.5 yrs between DD2 and ds. I have loved being able to give attention to him while the dds are at school, so he gets loads of one to one mum time, and his routine has fitted around their day, so I still get to do things with them.

At that age they are old enough that jealousy isn't usually a problem, and they can even be a help with a young baby.
As they get older I know I will find it hard to find holidays/days out that will please everybody, but I'm sure we will manage.

I think how close children ar e has more to do with individual personalities than age gaps, too.

thanks for starting this thread.At present i have one DD just turned five.I still cannot convince myself yet to have another and i too, were only starting to see the disadvantages of a 5 plus gap.Please,please keep posting on this topic.I too would love to hear more good or bad.My DD now at school
and i'm a SAHM and wouldn't mind staying as that,but SLEEP is my big thing,now i've got my sleep back,i don't really want to give it up again,or my tiredness affect DD(just about enough energy to play with her as it is!!).So does everyone agree that sisters are better helpers?-think my DD would be very helpful and loving.Do any of you not feel torn in different directions by the difference in your kid's needs/interests too much?...good luck to your friend!
thanks for everyone's input.

There's a 5.5 year gap between me and my younger sister ... and it's ok - we never played together, and I was just leaving home as my sister got into the stroppy teenager mode ... great for me, not so great for my parents.

I'd advise her to make sure that the older one is not treated as a mini adult - one thing I used to really hate was being expected to look after my sister during the holidays, and I loathed always having to be the responsible one.

Having said that, my ds is 5 in October, and I'm pg with no. 2 - due in October - ds is very excited about it - not as in having somebody to play with, just because he'll now be like most of his friends and have a sibling.

We had to wait (health issues), and I'm quite looking forward to being able to spend time with no.2 when ds is at school - I won't feel quite so guilty about lavishing the attention on bth of them ....

We have a 4 years and 4 month age gap between our DS's and tbh, it's hit and miss whether they play or fight but really, they adore each other (they are now 6 and 2). DS1 is also quite protective of DS2 aswell, which is quite sweet!

ooh, that's a good point ejt! It made me remember my best friend at school who had a sister who was about 6 yrs younger; we used to get SO cross when she was 'dumped' with us to entertain for the day.......grrrrrrr. I'm sure my friend wouldn't put her ds in that position though. But it is a very good point.

My mum was the eldest of 6 and was even kept off school to be a mini-mum

My DD is 10, DS1 is 7 and they have a 6month old brother.

They are both been fantastic from the start and my daughter even enjoys changing his dirty nappies !

its lovely having baby time whilst they are at school, its fun this time round and both he and I are so much more relaxed about things, but I do feel guilty taking LO out of his cot when i have to do the school run etc.

Disrupted nights are a small price to pay, the only disadvantage I can think of is that all that plastic tat I got rid of a few years ago is now slowly creeping back in ....

oh and congratulations btw! Do you know if it's a boy or girl?

happyathome - know what you mean. My ds is 4.8 yrs and we´re ttc another. This thread is really helpful as I´m still trying to see the good and bad points about having such a big age gap between children. Having said that there are 6 years between me and my brother and although we fought like cat and dog we get on like a house on fire.

honoria - hoping you were talking to me - we're having a little girl - ds is very excited about it - his best friend has a little sister, who ds has decided he's going to marry - now he's going to have a little sister too, it means his best friend has someone to marry ... poor child - her future life partner has been decided while she's still in the womb!

There is 5 years between my sister and I, I am the eldest.

All I remember as a child was my Mum saying "....yes but she's 5 year younger than you" for everything she ever did to me!!!

yes ejt I was! You'll have one of each - lovely! Bless your ds and his plans

I've got 5.10 years between ds1 and 2,and then exactly 4 between ds2 and 3.
Pluses are, each one has had alot of time alone with me because siblings are at school/preschool.I have had three 'only' children.
The older one already has a 'social life',so don't seem to feel too pushed out by a baby.
They understand that if the baby needs feeding etc then that has to come first.
Bathtimes/bedtimes,although going on at roughly the same time,are staggered so older ones can be brushing teeth etc while you dry/dress the baby.
Older ones can get breakfast for littlies giving you 5 mins peace in the morning.
Only one in nappies at a time.
They like different toys so leave each others stuff alone(mostly,not always)
They are so far apart they compete less.No point racing your 13 year old brother when you are only 7,so they don't.

Negatives,they still manage to fight and bicker and the older ones have to learn to be a bit careful because they are so much stronger.
I now have one in preschool,one in primary and one in secondary so that takes some co-ordination sometimes.
They don't like the same things so days out and holidays can be difficult. Although thats more because i have 3 and the 10 year gap from top to bottom.Ds2 likes some of ds1's stuff and some of ds3's stuff,but finding something that a 13 year likes doing that will entertain a 3 year old is difficult.
I feel like I've had baby paraphenalia around for years.
Puberty will last for about 15 years in this house by the time theyve all gone through it.
I will have been doing a school run for 16 years by the time ds3 is 11.

We didn't plan the gaps,but looking back,I wouldn't have it any other way.I am full of admiration for people who have tiny gaps,I think that seems alot harder tbh.

I have a 5 year gap between dd3 and ds1 and it is BRILLIANT!! She was too old to be jealous about not being the baby anymore, but is young enough to play schools and be silly with him- they are 8.9 and 3.5 now. Totally recommend it.
The other easy gap I have found is between ds1 and ds2, only a year so tell her to get busy 3 months after the birth!

Ds was 5 when we had dd. They are now 8 and 3 and play together alot, they are very close, although Ds often takes more of a guardian role when they are playing together and enjoys looking out for her and teaching her.

The downsides are when Ds has his own friends over to play and dd wants to join in but they'll be playing too grown up things for her or his friends just dont want a little girl hanging around them.
And also that having her around limits the more grown up things Ds wants to do, and theres been numerous tears over his precious things being damaged by his mischievous little sister.

We also have a 1yr old dd now aswell, and it does feel like, me dp and Ds are like the 'grown ups' and the 2 girls are the kids, we often split our time like this and often do more grown up things with just Ds on his own.

I have 5 1/2 yrs between dd & ds.

Dd adores her brother and on the whole they play quite well together. Ds has developed a passion for Polly Pocket and I had to buy some of the little compact ones just for him. He also adores his big sister's friends and happily plays with them all when they come round.

My dd was at a sleep-over on Saturday night and he missed her dreadfully and they were all over each other when she came back but within 1/2hr they were embroiled in some major argument.

On the sleep front, I found the routine easier this time round and ds was in bed in the evening earlier than dd ever was and he had to adapt to the morning routine too as come what may I had to have dd at school for 9am.

I think what I am trying to say is that second time round if you have an older child already, the baby has to fit round you, rather than the other way round

I am sure your friend will adapt too.

my ds2 and dd are 4 1/2 years apart, they play together alot, and it is lovely for me as the ds's go to school and its almost like the first time, only with more wisdom

Thanks so much everyone. I didn't expect to get so much response. I really feel I've got the good and the bad and there is definitely MUCH more good than my friend has let herself see so far.

Thank you all!

Thanks again everyone.Was shocked to see so many messages already,when i came back from doing a bit of housework.Makes me feel so supported!-please keep posting though.I could read these messages all day and never tire-so many points i've not really thought of/knew about!.
Thanks especially SUGARFREE for your long
detailed post-OMG,puberty for 15 years and school run for 16 years!!,only done 1 year run so far,then again not even onto number two.
KAT-thanks for perspective on sleep.
CRAZYLAZY-youv'e cheered me up,sounds good.

Somehow thought that this sort of age gap wouldn't fight though,silly me!..my DD and i fight sometimes and there is 28 years between us.
I'm an only,so the thought of fights full stop fills me with horror.Any other onlies out there who's made the gap bigger,hoping this would reduce sqaubbles,only to be proved right OR WRONG?!!.Or other onlies who wanted to have one-one with baby or wanted each child to have an only-type experience,or
any reluctant to have DC 2,because you wanted your DC to have an only experience?-any comments along these lines would also help me.I know,DC's would get more individual attention,but it's nightime and holidays that worry me and the thought of being divided between two and consequently the guilt arghhh!-someone put me straight,surely it's my negative outlook on life spiralling out of control?!!.
Good luck EJT-all happiness to you.

I have exactly a 5 year gap between dd1 and dd3 - it's a great gap.
dd adores her baby sister and from day 1 has been ever so gently and loving. She would read books to her, get on the floor to play with her, helps with nappy changing, getting her dressed. It's worked out really well. She's at school as well all day, so there is that break that your friend will have

it's a lovely gap!

i agree HONORIAGLOSSOP-there ARE a heck of a lot of good points and advantages to any gap it seems....guess we can rule out the age gap problem!

wow HANA,that's great.Just realised,that my DD can now read very simple books,so yes that would be sweet the thought of her reading/teaching a sib-guess i only had nappies/bathing help e.t.c. in mind