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Original poster

Five year gap between children - tell me the good and the bad!

47 replies

HonoriaGlossop · 19/06/2007 10:57

MY friend is pg with her second, and her ds will be five years and about ten months when the second one comes along.

I'm so thrilled for her but I know she is really not sure about having such a big gap (her dh has been ill so not been possible to have a child sooner). She is saying it's the worst of all worlds for her ds because he will have all the inconvenience of mum and dad's attention being taken away but will be seven-ish by the time the baby is two and she thinks they'll never play together....she is feeling that the benefits of having a sibling are a bit lost with a gap this big.

I have one child so unable to advise her really. Anyone out there got experience of this issue, good or bad, I don't mind. TIA.

OP posts:

Original poster

HonoriaGlossop · 19/06/2007 14:17

and spookily enough Happy, I have an only ds myself and am very happy to keep it that way.

I am one of two and was close to my brother growing up, so I do know the nice things of having a sibling. We did look out for eachother.

However we always had our own lives and friends, and being a boy and girl from quite early on we were interested in different things really, so even in the house together we would be munging about doing our own thing, often, rather than playing TOGETHER. As grown ups, while I love my brother like mad, we see each other very rarely....he lives abroad. All the things of 'having eachother' when our parents die won't really hold true for me. My mum is one of six and even so I don't think she felt that having five siblings helped when she lost her dad; they all had different relationships with him so had different senses of their loss, and to be honest all the work came down on my mum anyway.....

so for these and other reasons we're happy to keep ds a singleton; he loves our attention, and I hope it will enable him to blossom to his full potential, as any parent does whether they have a singleton or ten. I love my attention not being split.

DH and I will so arrange it that we will NEVER be a burden to our ds; if he's anything like my brother he wouldn't allow it anyway and will bugger off abroad!

I love having one. Hope you come to a decision you're happy with.

OP posts:

happyathome · 19/06/2007 20:50

thanks so much HONORIA.Youv'e validated my feelings about loving having one too.
Thanks for sharing your experience.Think i wanted to hear it from a siblinged person,who
was close to their sib,like yourself,but still prefered to keep their child a singleton.Always thought those with happy sibling relationships,would be wanting to replicate sibling relationships for their kids too,but obviously,people do see the advantages of having/being a singleton also.
Also this shows the fact that the grass is not always greener(onlies think siblinged people are luckier sometimes and vica verca).
Please keep posting everyone,especially if you agree with HONORIA and I.
I must admit,i do love having an only myself,which is why i've probably not made a move to have another yet-i just make all sorts of excuses to myself why i'm not trying,but it could be as simple as 'maybe i do like my life the way it is and think DD will be fine too!'

TrinityRhino · 19/06/2007 20:52

exactly five years(give or take a week) between dd1 and dd2
They are getting closer now that dd2 is just over 2 and startign to talk alot.

dd2 has always idolised dd1 but dd1 found her a little annoying when she was about 18 months and tantrummy.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

katelyle · 19/06/2007 20:59

I have 5 years between mine - they are now 11 and 6. I can honestly say that so far it has been a complete delight. They adore each other - they play really well. dd was old enough to understand when ds was born, old enough to be reasoned with (up to a point) and bribed (considerably!) The advice I would give is work really hard at building the relationship. Make sure that the fisrt smile, laugh, steps, words are for the big sibling (they probably will be anyway, babies aren't daft and I think they realize that parents are programmed to like them, siblings have to eb worked on!.What I hope is that even if they fall out when they are older, the foundation of a brilliant relationship has been built and will always be there under the surface.
(There was another thread about this somewhere - I posted on it so you could find it by searching for me)

Piffle · 19/06/2007 21:01

I have 3 kids 13 4.5yr old and 12 wks

the age gaps are brilliant, a different relationship true enough but still very close and the help you get!

I have 2 younger brothers I am 36 my db1 is 35 and db2 is 30
I am far closer to db 2 despite being much closer in age to db1

allieBongo · 19/06/2007 21:05

i ahev 4yrs 8 mths between mine. now they are 2 and 7 they get on much better. I think as they are a boy and girl it makes it a little more difficult (ds is eldest so doesn't want to play mummy and help) he still loves her lots, they scrap etc, but he is never lonely and i'm hoping the less stroppy she is the better they will get along

Troutpout · 19/06/2007 21:05

My son was 5 and a half when dd was born (they are now 10 and 4 1/2). They do fight...but they also play loads,wrestle,cuddle and giggle together.
Ds just started to play with her as soon as he got a smile back when she was a few weeks old and he's just never stopped.
They are each others best person atm. I felt a bit like your friend- i only focused on what i was taking away from ds when i was pregnant...i forgot what i would be giving him in return.
It's been wonderful
...although the teenage years when they are 17 and 12 are going to be horrible i reckon.

heifer · 19/06/2007 21:11

I only have 1 DD, but there is 5 years between me and 2 brothers, so oldest brother is 10 years older than me and other brother is 5 years older.

I can't really remember playing with either of them that much - and what I can remember wasn't very nice!.. lots of shouting at me to hit the ball etc (I could never manage to beat brother at anything)...

My mum played with me a lot, but not sure if brother didn't want to.. or I didn;'t want to play with him!

We used to go out together as a family Sunday afternoon, which was great fun, but that is all I can remember doing with brothers.

We are ok now, but not that close, in fact I am probably closer to oldest brother and probably because I like his wife so much..

CristinaTheAstonishing · 19/06/2007 21:16

DS and DD are now 7 and 2. They can play beautifully together. It usually involves running around the house, hiding, playing with balloons, painting, cooking. They can also wind each other up skillfuly. They share a bedroom too. They really are great friends. DS was a bit envious of DD and occasionally he'll come up with "why is she allowed... and I'm not" but he's learning to accept and share.

allieBongo · 19/06/2007 21:17

sounds like my house cristina. dd is a tom boy when she is with him. bossy little moo the rest of the time, he does take a lot of crap off of her

tigi · 19/06/2007 21:25

5 years and a few days. boys 7 & 12 . At the moment it is great because the younger one has had trouble at school, and I asked older one to talk to him about it, which he did in a very grown up manner. Younger also said more to his brother about (makes a change from them refusing to share toys!)

CristinaTheAstonishing · 19/06/2007 21:26

Yes! Sylvia is like that too. Sometimes I feel sorry for DS that he always has to be the one to give in, when he's still just a little boy too.

happyathome · 19/06/2007 21:29

i'm still reading!.
thanks everyone.It's turned into a great thread

allieBongo · 19/06/2007 22:19

cristina, is your dd called sylvia?

CristinaTheAstonishing · 20/06/2007 09:01

Hi Alliebongo - we have a Dominic and a Sylvia. Our stillborn baby son was Louis. We have a DD on the way and are stuck for names as we've ran out of ones we both agree on instantly. DH is trying to get me used to Penny (Penelope) or Beatrice, I'm working on him with Isadora, Ruxandra, Raluca. We have till October to decide.

tuppy · 20/06/2007 09:40

Your friend will be fine. There are lots of pluses to a bigger gap; she can concentrate on those rather than the minuses, which she can do nothing about now anyway...

I had my first 3 children within 5 years which was great, but due to indecision about wanting a fourth at all, followed by dh being on a particular medical regime where conception was not an option, we had our 4th when dd was just over 5 years old. The others were 8 and 10. Ideally we'd have liked a 2-3 year gap again, but obv the main thing is a healthy baby.

Actually it's been great; they are all v. protective of ds3, (now 3 years old) and it's lovely to watch them looking out for him in the garden, teaching him things etc., with far greater patience and maturity than would have been the case with a smaller gap. They often ask if they can put him to bed, and read him his stories and tuck him in. So sweet. They are not forced to do this; they ask, and if ds3 is amenable - sometimes he wants just me or dh - then I agree happily. More time for me on mn .

allieBongo · 20/06/2007 11:34

crisitina, my dd is called sylvia too

CristinaTheAstonishing · 20/06/2007 22:11

It's a lovely name. When DH registered Sylvia the registrar said it was the first she'd ever registered.

Oblomov · 20/06/2007 22:17

What a lovely thread.

Pebblemum · 21/06/2007 15:00

I have a 6.5yr gap between my ds's and at first i was worried about the huge gap but it was fine.

When i first found out i was pg with ds2 i spent a lot of time thinking of how i could make it all easier for Ds1 to cope with. He had been so used to having me all to himself (i was a single mum for his 1st 3yrs) and then in the space of a year i had got married and was having another baby. I got him involved as much as possible throughout the pregnancy ie helping me choose baby things, coming to the anti-natal visits even letting him choose the baby's middle name which was a bit risky as he was into scooby doo at the time so he could have come up with something silly but instead chose Michael, thank god!!

When ds2 arrived i made sure ds1 was able to help me out whenever he wanted so that he didnt feel pushed out. While i was bfing he would read stories to the baby or sing to him, he would help get evrything ready at bath time, changing time etc. Because ds1 was at school it gave me plenty of time during the day to spend time alone with the baby and also do housework so that in the evening when the baby was settled I could spend quality time alone with ds1.

My boys are very close although they also manage to argue over the smallest of things I now have a month old baby girl and am finding the 3yr gap between her and ds2 a lot harder as ds2 is still very demanding of my time although he is coping really well with being a big brother.

I think your friend will find the age gap is nothing to worry about and wish her a happy healthy pregnancy

Original poster

HonoriaGlossop · 21/06/2007 18:16

thanks for that pebble. Wow, how your life has changed over the last few years! congratulations on the new baby

I have had a good old chat with my friend and told her loads of this stuff. I'm going to point her in the direction of MN and then she can read this or ask her own questions! It has been a really lovely thread to read, thanks everyone. x

OP posts:

chocolateteapot · 21/06/2007 18:19

I haven't read the whole thread but I have just under 5 years, mine are 8 & 3. There is a very similar gap between me and my brother and we fought like cat and dog so I was sort of expecting that the same might happen. I was completely wrong, they are brilliant together. DS is a real ally to DD who has dyspraxia, her role of big sister has given her confidence. The only trouble is that DS misses her really badly when she's at school, especially after holidays when he spend the whole day asking if she is coming home soon.

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