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Original poster

WHY do people take their children back to their abusers??

42 replies

Whywhywhywhy · 09/01/2007 10:27

Name changed for obv reasons.

Since my children have been born I have known of several mothers who, abused by their father/uncle/family friend etc, then take their own daughters to be cared for by these people... and then the cycle inevitably begins again

It breaks my heart to think of these tiny people being put somewhere where they know this could and probably will happen.

Why do it? This isn't some weird troll thread, I am fortunate enough to have never been in this situation, and I am genuinely confused and very distressed by it all.

OP posts:
giddy1 · 09/01/2007 10:32

Message deleted

funkimummy · 09/01/2007 10:35

How very odd?!?! My own Mother was sickeningly abused for years by a close relative. It made her super protective of me and my Sisters. I have never met her abuser. I know he is still alive, and I'd like to smash his face in.

As a child of someone who has been abused, it makes me very very aware of the things that can happen, and I am very protective of my own children.

Caligula · 09/01/2007 10:42

What sort of abuse are you talking about?

Cowardice · 09/01/2007 10:43

It's not as simple as you make it out to be Whywhywhywhy. Really it's not. & unles you have ever been in that situation you will never understand.

I was abused by my father. As was my sisters. I still see him now. never for prolonged periods of time, & I never ever leave my children unattended with him.

You see it would kill my mother to know he abused us. Or so my sisters say anyway, I went through 18 months of counselling & came out the other end a stronger person. My counsellor asked me to prosecute him, only one of my sisters were willing to stand up & say anything but I knew she wasn't strong enough to go through with it, & with a history of mental health problems no-one would have believed her, he has out her through years of torment, anorexia, hair loss, mental problems. This man wrecked my childhood & I will not let him wreck the relationship it took so long to build up with my mother.

Don't be so quick to judge when, as you readily admit, you have never been in this situation.

misspinkcat · 09/01/2007 10:44

Or why do women toelrate partners who abuse( normally physically) their kids?
That happens a LOT.

Cowardice · 09/01/2007 10:45

Maybe it is done behind their backs? Or perhaps they are frightened. Don't make sweeping statements if you have never been through it. I have always found this site supportive & there are lots of us have been through hell.

misspinkcat · 09/01/2007 10:45

Oh come on.

misspinkcat · 09/01/2007 10:47

No, I know that a lot of women KNOW their dhs are "over enthusiastic" in their chastising of kids.

Original poster
whywhywhywhy · 09/01/2007 10:47

Thank you for replying cowardice - it really was meant as a question wanting to understand rather than an attack iyswim, and it does make it easier to understand like that.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 09/01/2007 10:47

cowardice is right - it is so much more complicated than it seems

lulumama · 09/01/2007 10:49

it is never as simple as leaving is it? when partners are abusive..as the threads recently from 2 mumsnetters trying to escape abusive relationships, where their childrens and their own safety can be compromised if the abuser found out they were leaving

especially if they are financially dependent and their self esteem is so broken and worn down, they do not feel capable or able to leave

FioFio · 09/01/2007 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Cowardice · 09/01/2007 10:49

Oh come on what?

Have you ever had daddy climb into your bed in the middle of the night?

misspinkcat · 09/01/2007 10:49

So if we have never suffered abuse we can not have any opinion on it at all?

KezzaG · 09/01/2007 10:49

I have never been in this situation thank god, but I have read threads on here by people who are going through it. It is very easy to judge, but the strength it has taken for these women to escape from any kind of abuse is huge, and it is not always as simple as saying they should put their kids first and leave.

There are some threads here where women are still seeing their abusers, and their children are in their care as they are family members. I dont claim to understand what goes on in the mind of a victim of abuse, but it seems to me these women do care but they are scared, confused, worried about wider family relationships, in denial or a hundred other emotions that those who have never experoenced it will never have to deal with.

I absolutely agree no child should be willingly left in the care of a known abuser, but I dont think it is always that simple if you are living it.

Aloha · 09/01/2007 10:50

No I haven't. But if I had, I wouldn't let him do the same to my children. That isn't Ok.

Cowardice · 09/01/2007 10:53

I am 30 now.

My sisters are all older. one younger who says he never touched her.

I'm talking about the late 60's & early/late 70's here, when there were no refuges & no places for a woman with 8 children to run to. I hope & pray every day my mum didn't know what he was doing..... as if she did I would find it very difficult.

My sisters never had counselling, never told their partners (except one) & as a result all have very difficult lives...one even had my parents on xmas day I wouldn't see them over xmas as that would have put a shadow on it for me.

Fiofio, no, I don't see him as manipulating me, he once described me as a ticking bomb. I vist them when he is at work, or if I don't know he is going to be there, if he is there I don't talk to him... my mum thinks it's for another reason but he knows.

Cowardice · 09/01/2007 10:54

He will never ever as long as I have breath in my body, touch my children.

Anyway, I'm leaving this thread now, too many bad memories.

foxinsocks · 09/01/2007 10:59

I think your opinion is valid - of course, in an ideal world, no child should be exposed to a known abuser.

However, often the abuse has been going on since they were a child themselves - often nobody has believed their story (especially other family members) - sometimes, the prolonged abuse has meant they are emotionally vulnerable themselves - sometimes, their only support will be someone else in the family who doesn't believe the abuse has happened - sometimes, for the sake of family relationships, they'll continue seeing their abuser but never leave the children on their own with him.

I would just thank your lucky stars it's never happened to you tbh and concentrate on being as supportive as you can to your friends.

giddy1 · 09/01/2007 11:02

Message deleted

Carmenere · 09/01/2007 11:05

But Cowardice the op was about women who expose their children to people who have harmed them. You are definitely not the case in point. As you have just stated you don't see him if you can and you will never expose your children to the danger of being alone with him. You sound very strong and loyal to your mum without compromiseing your dc's safety.

I think that this is a huge and very complicated subject.

Aloha · 09/01/2007 11:06

Actually, if you have good reason to believe children are being left alone with known abusers, I think you should think of the children and not your friends. Speak out. Tell the friend that you think this is unacceptable and if she doesn't stop you will inform the police/social services. I think protecting the children comes first.

Caligula · 09/01/2007 11:08

I think if you know for a fact that kids are being left with known abusers, you should be contacting the police/ SS, shouldn't you?

foxinsocks · 09/01/2007 11:08

I can't see why you've changed your name

Caligula · 09/01/2007 11:08

Oops, posts crossed with Aloha's.