WHY do people take their children back to their abusers??

[Whywhywhywhy]

Name changed for obv reasons.

Since my children have been born I have known of several mothers who, abused by their father/uncle/family friend etc, then take their own daughters to be cared for by these people... and then the cycle inevitably begins again

It breaks my heart to think of these tiny people being put somewhere where they know this could and probably will happen.

Why do it? This isn't some weird troll thread, I am fortunate enough to have never been in this situation, and I am genuinely confused and very distressed by it all.

Whywhywhy I missed the bit where you said the people you know leave their children alone with these abusers, do you know why? have you ever asked? I can't believe they leave them alone..

I can't believe they leave them alone either cowardice

Can see the situation where they see them with an adult present but not where they are left alone

I have to say I agree with whywhywhy. I was abused by my father as were all my siblings and am NEVER going to allow him to meet my daughter to the extent that I am not going to attend my sisters wedding as he will be there.
However, out of the 5 of us, 2 will not speak to him, 1 goes to see him with her daughter but not very often as they agrue lots and the other 2 treat him as a normal father and see him loads.
My mum found out a few years ago and it broke her heart that she never knew but has made my relationship with her stronger as she divorced him soon afterwards.

I dont get it.

It's rotten yes, but do many of us have the qualifications or experience to understand the mentality of those brought up with abuse?

I was raped in my teens, and carried on seeing the man who did it because i was so lonely and messed up that ANY attention from a man satisfied something in me, even if it was abusive. Lots of people think that's absurd.

I can't fathom leaving a child with someone who abuses either, but it goes deeper than being a crap parent to do it. There's more psychology involved than that.

Evamum, I admire your strength, but in many cases it is just not possible for these women, who were children themselves when it happened, to just walk away.

You are a very strong woman, well done to you.

I feel sad for anyone who has been abused. But if you know someone is leaving their child with an abuser then the child has to come before the adult in this case.

I should add that I was abused emotionally, mentally and physically and as such did not need to be alone with my father for him to start on us.
This is why she will not meet him even under fully chaperoned circumstances.

I can't speak to them directly about it - parts of my life bring me in contact with parts of theirs, but not with them iyswim. In some cases it is lack of childcare, in other the other parent is there "most of the time" (eg they are left with their grandfather and the grandmother is there)

God, I keep forgetting to write things

I meant I dont understand my siblings as I know exactly what they went through (we all know what happened to each) but in everyone else's case I have no opinion beyond empathy/sympathy as it is their life and their decision.

and Cowardice, you are so strong to be able to talk about what happened to you, good for you.

I have to say, MN is so cathartic

Well, they must have spoken to you about it for you to know the circumstances so I can't see why you feel you can't speak to them.

that sounded a bit aggressive - what I meant is that for someone to speak to someone else about abuse in real life is a MAJOR thing - means they must trust you so that's why I can't see why you wouldn't want to talk to them

Evamum - I think you have the right attitude.

I am so lucky I have never had to deal with something like this but I guess if I did I would still want to make it public knowledge and prosecute to ensure he could never do it to someone else innocent (who perhaps does not have the knowledege you do about his true nature)

How do you know who is there when the children are being looked after??
and if I were you I would make a point in going to talk to them about it..

I think its a self preservation thing some abused people do thinking it only happend to them or that their abuser has changed (however misguided we all want to believe the best in people)

I can totally understand someone who has been abused not wanting to stir up a hornets nest and bury their heads in the sand but cannot comprehend how they could expose their child to the same person.

The way I look at it is Rod Steward has always liked blonds that hasnt changed with age nor will a man who likes children.

I read something where someone asked Kate Winslet what she would do if someone abused her child she said she would "take pleasure in killing them"

I was abused by father as were my sister and step sister - We all pressed charges against him, however he was not imprisoned as my step mother wrote a statement that my step sister regretted speaking up and wanted her dad back !! she was 8 at the time

This grown woman invited her paedophile husband back into her home with her daughter knowing he had a long history of abuse Aargh!

I cut all ties with them and since becoming a mum I also feel sick that my own mum suspected him and didn't question it, I have a strained relationship with her too now as I don't understand how she could continue to live in cloud cuckoo land and not put her 3 innocent daughters needs first.

I agree I would also report anyone who knowingly left a child with an abusive adult.

Good on you Kay and shame on your mother! I guess some women are so desperate to be "loved" by their husband they will tolerate any behaviour.

I guess the best lesson we can all learn even those of us who have not been physically abused but have difficult relationships with parents is we dont cause or deserve the way they behave. Some times they are unreasonable - they are products of their upbringing too we dont have to put up with it and brood in our bedrooms any more!!