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Parenting

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Original poster

Is this OK, or a bit neglectful do you think?

28 replies

NormaSnorks · 31/10/2006 14:50

A friend an I have mixed views on this - I'd welcome your thoughts.

There is a little girl in the same class as my DS (Reception). She's one of the youngest ones who are still going just half days. We know the family a little but not a lot - seem like nice people. The mum works and the dad runs his own computer business from home.

Thing is, my friend was talking to the dad at school the other day about what the kids do in the afternoon when they get home, and this Dad said that "oh, after we've had lunch, X just has to get on with stuff on her own - drawing and TV and that sort of stuff, 'cos I usually go back into my ofifce and do some more work". They live in an old house, and his 'office' is a room on the second floor. Their playroom & lounge are all on the ground floor.

My friend thinks this is a bit neglectful as the daughter isn't really being properly supervised. I tend to think it's probably OK - after all, they're still in the same house aren't they? And anyway, it not for long, as their other (older)child is home from school at 3 p.m.

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KathyDCLXVI · 31/10/2006 14:52

Sounds fine to me, though it would be a pity if she did nothing but watch tv.

facebovvered · 31/10/2006 14:54

Does the older child look after the younger one then when she gets home? Or does dad stop work when the 2 kids are home?

BloodyTenaLady · 31/10/2006 14:54

All about knowing the child really. My ds can be left for some time providing I pop in now and then to see if ok.

I have had one incident when he helped himself of some throat sweets. Now that I didnt expect.
On the whole though he is ok.

some kids just have to be watched all the time.

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LoveMyGirls · 31/10/2006 14:55

i wouldnt like it tbh, you cant really class it as neglect because the child isn't being left alone - no one to feed her or be there if she calls out/ has an accident etc but it must be miserable for the child to be expected to be on her own alot. if i was the mother of the family i would insist that he bought his laptop (if he has one) downstairs so he can be on the same floor at least, or if couldnt do that then he should take some of her toys u there so she's not on her own.

Blu · 31/10/2006 14:56

And now you want MN to be talking about this family as well as you and your friend?

If you were the dad asking if this is ok, I would give my opinion...but since there is hint of real 'should we call SS' type neglect, I think I'll leave them to manage their affairs!

If my child was doing half days, I might ask if she wanted to come and play a couple of times.

Cassoulet · 31/10/2006 14:57

I tend to agree with you. They're in the same house, presumably she can get up the stairs to dad if she needs anything, presumably he'll hear her scream if she hurts herself, and she's not a helpless infant. I would have thought that though she is young her parents know her well enough to make the decision that it's OK to leave her for a while. Maybe he pops downstairs every so often and checks on her. I think constant and unremitting supervision probably does more damage to kids than letting them get on with occupying themselves. As you say, it's not for that long.

MrsBeDreadingTrickOrTreat · 31/10/2006 15:02

oh how I envy him how does he manage that she doesn't go 'bother' him all the time? I'm lucky if I get 10 mins undisturbed on the PC .

I think somebody already said, kids are different. DD wouldn't leave me alone for more than 10 mins, however ds happily plays by himself for over 1h aged only 2!

If the girl generally seems happy I wouldn't worry.

bluejelly · 31/10/2006 15:03

SOunds fine to me, not neglectful

Original poster

NormaSnorks · 31/10/2006 15:04

The mum brings the older child home after 3 and then they are with her I think.

Blu - I didn't mean it that way, and as I said, I don't actually see a big issue with it. Is suspect that, like many families, they are struggling with the 'half days' for a term, and this is their solution.

I was just suprised by my friend's very negative reaction to it, and, knowing that MN is a place of varying viewpoints was interested in what others thought...

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TwigTwoolett · 31/10/2006 15:05

I can sit in the other room whilst my 2 year old occupies herself for a good 30 minutes plus

and I'm bloody smug about it too

Skribble · 31/10/2006 15:07

Good that DD is learning to amuse herself. Sounds like a sensible arrangment.

I trained my 2 very early to come down and turn TV on at the weekends and not to wreck the place. Eventualy one of us would give in and get up .

Monkeytrousers · 31/10/2006 15:09

I wouldn't do it. Second floor is out of earshot too, it much be.

Kids can get up to allsorts and they are certainly not old enough to be responsible at this age. What happenes if she gets hold of a box of matches or something. It doesn't bare thinking about.

bluejelly · 31/10/2006 15:13

But if your room is childproofed and your child is sensible then I think the risks are pretty minimal

HuwEdwards · 31/10/2006 15:13

It's all about risk assessment isn't it? I would definitely have trusted my DD last year in that type of situation - and apart from the 2nd floor thing (my office downstairs), that's exactly what we did. IMO, to suggest neglect is bizarre.

Skribble · 31/10/2006 15:14

I'm going by the fact that most mothers can heaqre there kids turn over in bed even if its 3 floors away and wake up if they cough in the night in case thay are sick.

Hopefully he has this intuition or at least checks on her every now and then. Worst mine ever get up to is getting carried away with colouring and get it on the table.

Monkeytrousers · 31/10/2006 15:15

That's just it Skribble. I don't want to be melodramatic but i have a friend (well I moved away and we lost contact a few years ago) who, like many of us, inc my mother too, used to let her daughted get up and watch TV while she and he DH lad a lie in at weekends.

One easter sunday they heard her get up to open her easter eggs and woke up some time later to find the house filled with smoke and..well, the story has a tragic outcome.

I know it isn't common, but we all know what a risk assessment is; we do them at work all time.

mousiemousie · 31/10/2006 15:17

Might not be terrific parenting but hardly neglectful I would say

oranges · 31/10/2006 15:17

its a bit extreme to say that because tragic accidents happen sometimes, kids should never be left alone, or allowed to watch tv alone, though.

oliveoil · 31/10/2006 15:17

dd1 can be left and will not get into mischief

dd2 gets into mischief when I am in the room and gives me a defiant look for good measure

depends on the child imo

but, if it was me, I would play with the younger one until the older one got back from school, provide a snack and then bugger off upstairs for an hour or so

Monkeytrousers · 31/10/2006 15:19

No I'm not saying that; but two stories up is a bit too far away IMO.

I'm not suggesting negelct either. Thoughtlessness maybe.

Original poster

NormaSnorks · 31/10/2006 15:46

OK - here's the 'rest' of the story.. the reason this friend and I got into this discussion is because her DD and this little girl are friendly, and the Dad had asked if her DD would like to go over to play after school one day, but my friend made some excuse why not, but later remarked to me that it was because
a) she thought the kids wouldn't be properly supervised, and
b) she didn't want her DD at a house alone with a man

I actually think she (my friend) is a bit bonkers about this and told her she was being too overprotective, but it's hard for me to really 'know' as I have boys.

I just feel sorry for the little girl , and also sad at the implied discrimination against Dads looking after their kids....

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anoldchestnut · 31/10/2006 16:21

My dh works from home one day each week. He picks the kids up from school (they are 5 and 7), gives them a snack when they get in then disappears up to the office on the 2nd floor. He does actually work as well. He has been doing this for over a year, so since they were 4 and 6. So they are left to either watch tv or play in their rooms. He can hear everything that goes on, so any sign of a squabble he's either downstairs to sort it out or shouts at them to be quiet (shouts to be hears BTW not to tell them off). It's fine. quite often one or both will have friends over too - that's even better cos then they do actually play rather than veg out in front of the tv. They are most certainly not neglected, and quite happy to entertain themselves for three hours until I get in.

If there's a problem he is there to sort it out, and I'm sure this dad is as well. The 2nd floor isn't too far, and I'm sure he pops down every so often, even if just to make a cuppa.

Sad that some people can't accept that dads are just as able to host play-dates without (presumably) molesting the datee.

HappyMumof2 · 31/10/2006 16:24

Message withdrawn

NappiesGalore · 31/10/2006 16:31

your friend has 'issues'. should probably seek counselling.

is a busy-body bordering on malicious gossipper otherwise.

i feel sorry for her dd, not the girl in OP

Original poster

NormaSnorks · 31/10/2006 16:52

Just to be clear, in case it hasn't been so far... I actually AGREE with most of you on here:

I don't think it's a particular problem or neglect
Only feel sorry for the little girl if other people (as well as my friend) are making such judgements, and therefore she is missing out on playdates
I am not suggesting that the Dad is anything other than that - a Dad

To be honest my friend is a SAHM (DH works in city and earns all the cash). Their DD is an only child so I think she is a) overprotective, and b) simply doesn't understand that many families don't have the luxury of a full-time parent giving undivided attention all the time.

But, as I said before, I wanted to 'check' here on MN whether I was alone in finding her a bit weird in her response... clearly not

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