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Original poster

AM I AN EVIL MUM?

210 replies

cheekymonk · 07/03/2006 15:58

I just wanted to ask what is the worst thing someone has done to their child. Sometimes I think about how I am and hate how I am with my little boy. I tell him to shut up alot, swear loads-usually not at him but under my breath but worst of all out of frustration I purse his cheeks together sometimes (not really hard) or slightly pinch his legs. Yesterday I even kicked him on the bum slightly which has sickened me ever since. I have finally realised that I am having trouble coping and that my behaviour is not acceptable. I am so ashamed. I want to be Mary Poppins but feel like Cruella de Vil. What can I do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WigWamBam · 07/03/2006 20:33

Please don't blame a 13 month old baby for you pinching and kicking him. He is not causing you frustration deliberately - he's a baby and he's not capable of deliberately doing anything designed to wind you up. Your anger towards him is your problem, and one that you really have to address. I'm glad that you have made the decision not to lay a finger on him again - but you'll need help to keep that going.

Home Start is a really good idea, and you also need help from your HV and/or your GP. These days ads are not addictive, and they don't make you put on weight - although if they did make you put on weight, wouldn't that be a small price to pay for getting the real you back, and for stopping you treating your baby like this?

Even if you decide not to take ads, there are other treatments out there that can help you - but you need to go and ask for them. If the support group helped you, could you start going again? Counselling could be useful to you as well. But please do something, for your baby's sake as well as yours.

Good luck.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 08/03/2006 07:36

I will update the site when I have been to docs. I would be grateful for no more judgement, I think the point has been made and I am doing something about it. What about all the mums out there that do far worse and keep it behind closed doors?
I know it is not my baby's fault and I shouldn't try and excuse my behaviour there is none.
Thanks again.

OP posts:

IamBlossom · 08/03/2006 09:01

I think you are ncredibly brave. You know you are teetering on the brink, enough to admit it here in a forum of Mum's for goodness sake, not going to be a much more emotionally charged arena for talking about potential harm to a 13 month old. You know you have a problem you know it's not really "you" to behave like this, and you are going to do something about it. And it is obvious you love your son dearly. I know just what you mean about the frustration and irritation of that age baby, mine is now 18 month,s and I was commenting to my DH how much easier it is these days to lookafter him, I feel like I have come out of an intensive cloud, he can now play on his own for up to 15-20 minutes, sleeps through, is funny, talking etc. Trust me it does get easier. Trite but true.

Good luck, let us know how you get on.

xxx

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Mamamiamia · 08/03/2006 09:51

Mamamiamia · 08/03/2006 09:58

"I would be grateful for no more judgement"

why? So you are allowed to tell us that you tell your kid to shut up and you swear at him, and purse his cheeks together or slightly pinch his legs and you 'even kicked him on the bum' and we are not allowed to pass judgement? Get a life lady! Why do you think you can type that you do that to you 13 month old and we are not allowed to pass judegement. And I, for one, am appalled that you needed MN to tell you to get help. I also have a baby boy round your sons age and I am absolutely HORRIFIED that you do this to your son, wether you admit it or not doesn't make you any better than those doing it behind closed doors. You are disgusting.
And blaming the baby is a total cowardess thing to do. And why do you say "I thought everyone had been reasonable so far" do you want everyone to say "It's okay, you go ahead and kick and pinch your 13month old, we will all stand idly by and sympathise with you.. well I won't EVER sympathise with anyone who hurts their children, wether you blame it on PND or not. There are lots of childless woman out there who would love to give up their days for a child who won't play with their toys for more than 2 mins and who want cuddled all the time. I wish I knew where you live, and I would report you like a shot for being a total bitch to that baby.

nzshar · 08/03/2006 10:08

wow very harsh Mamamiamia

I for one think that cheekymonk has been very brave. I think MN and the like can be a lifeline for some.

saadia · 08/03/2006 10:12

cheekymonk I hope things work out for you and well done for seeking help. I also used to get v angry with ds1 when he was around a year - 18mths old as he was a nightmare to feed.

But I just kept reminding myself that he is innocent and helpless and totally dependant on me. I think that seeking advice here was a very good thing to do and you are obviously trying to address the situation. I hope the doctor was helpful.

notasheep · 08/03/2006 10:35

cheekymonk-a family support worker would really help you.

Hope you get the right help

SleepyJess · 08/03/2006 11:03

Mamamiamia.. I am wondering if you can highlight for me which part of your post to Cheekymonk that you feel is the most helpful.. considering she is ALREADY going about actively seeking help to ensure she never behaves agreesively towards her baby again?

I think you just felt like a vent, personally! Shame you picked someone who is already depressed and trying to right her wrongs. And YOU are wrong by the way.. the worst mothers are those who not only don't confess their wrong-doings towards their children, but those who neither know nor care that they are DOING anything wrong or damaging!

Wordsmith · 08/03/2006 11:31

Some people only come onto Mumsnet to vent their spleen and be judgmental. See any breast/bottle/weaning thread and you'll see what I mean. It must be nice to be so secure in your opinions and so sure of another's guilt based on a few lines on a computer screen. Well done Mamamiamia.

Yes it is a serious issue and Cheekymonk is doing something about it. It takes real guts to admit that you feel like this, even more to admit it ot an HV or doctor. There for the grace of god go many of us. I know I have certainly felt like this with my two boys many times and I have slapped their hands/on the bum (with nappy on) when they are naughty. i hate myself for doing it, it doesn't do any good, it makes them cry, they don't understand when they're a toddler, it doesn't work. But it happens.

I think CM is incredibly brave for trying to sort out a problem which she knows she has while battling with depression. If you are alone most of the time with no support it must be very hard. I am not alone, I do have support and I don't have depression (I think, anyway!) and I sometimes feel like this.

Good luck CM - you sound like a loving, caring mum to me.

oliveoil · 08/03/2006 11:34

I have been mean to my two and regretted it. I think most people have, if they are honest. Not necessary physically, but harsh words or shouting.

Judging doesn't do anyone any favours.

Good luck with getting help cheekymonk.

madmarchhare · 08/03/2006 11:36

Well done cheekymonk for asking for help. I hope you feel better once youve been to see your GP.
Please dont be afraid to take the ADs for a short while if it is recommended.

WigWamBam · 08/03/2006 11:47

Mamamia, the fact that cheekymonk posted at all tends to suggest that she knows she has to do something about this - if she thought it was normal and acceptable she wouldn't have posted. Her OP says she is sickened and ashamed by her behaviour and she knows it's not acceptable. Give her at least some credit for realising that she is wrong to do this, and for trying to get herself some help.

I also think that cheekymonk was very brave to post about this, knowing that she risked being shot down in flames for her post. If she didn't love her son she wouldn't be asking for help.

Good luck, cheekymonk - I hope you manage to get that appointment soon.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 08/03/2006 11:54

I have a doctors and health visitor appointment booked this afternoon. When I said I thought everyone had been reasonable I expected more responses like mamamiamias not the compassion and understanding I have had from many of you.I am not a bitch to my son. THE AGGRESSION happens in "fever-pitch" moments when things get out of control but I REALISE THAT EVEN THAT IS TOO MUCH.
As for reporting me, well I am reporting myself really aren't I?

OP posts:

Wordsmith · 08/03/2006 11:56

Don't worry CM I think Mamamia is the one with "issues". Hope it goes well this afternoon.

amynnixmum · 08/03/2006 11:56

Good luck for this afternoon cheekymonk. I know its hard but you need to be completely honest with them when you get there to make sure they realise how serious this is. Let us know how you get on.

WigWamBam · 08/03/2006 11:58

Good luck for this afternoon - let us know how you get on.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 08/03/2006 12:00

Thank you all for your support x Will let you know.

OP posts:

SorenLorensen · 08/03/2006 12:08

cheekymonk, I've been where you are now - you are very brave to admit you need help. My advice is to be as honest with your doctor and HV as you have been here - they are there to help you, and unlike a certain person on this thread, they know what they are talking about and will not judge you. You can get better and you can learn to enjoy your son and he will get easier as he gets older.

And, just as an aside, anti-depressants don't have to make you put on weight - I lost 3 stone at WW while on them.

Best of luck.

kipper22 · 08/03/2006 12:17

wow! never knew there was such a thing as a perfect mum who could do no wrong but i think i've found her - very glad for you and your kids mamamiamia! wish we were all so great
good luck cm.x

anniebear · 08/03/2006 12:23

cheekymonk

I think you are very brave for posting what you did

You are obviously a loving Mum or you wouldn't be bothered about what you are doing

I bet there are a lot more out there who have done similar but would not admit it

Yes, by posting what you did, you were going to get some harsh comments. I thought they were OTT, but I suppose there are some people who find Parenthood all so easy and they genuinly can't understand what it is like feeling the way you do

Hope it goes ok this afternon, please let us know

emmawill · 08/03/2006 12:34

Well done for acting so fast Cheekymonk, just ignore anybody who judges you at the end of the day nobody is perfect, and you realised and are getting help before you do any damage and that just shows that your're a very caring, loving mother, if you didn't care you wouldn't of bothered doing anything about it. You just find things to cope with and not having your parnter a lot of the time when you need a cuddle I imagie is incrediably diffcuilt. My 13 month old doesn't sleep either and it gets in a furious circle because that would probably help if you had a bit of time in the evening and a good night sleep yourself, ask the health visitor about that too, as they might have sleep clinics and be able to help you find a routine that works for you and if your're happier, he'll be happier.

Very Best of luck we're thinking of you

lionhearted · 08/03/2006 12:38

cheekymonk--hope it goes well and you get the support you need (and that mumnset has been a part of that) ...

littlemisspiggy · 08/03/2006 13:03

Cheekymonky,
I agree with FireflyFairy that your reactions are wrong but you know that already and have been brave enough and responsible enough to admit there is a problem. That means you cannot be a bad mother but one who is struggling to cope and seeking help.
Good Luck.

Janos · 08/03/2006 13:25

Mammamia, I think your post is totally out of order. Cheekymonk is well aware that her behaviour is wrong, that is why she has asked for help.

"I have finally realised that I am having trouble coping and that my behaviour is not acceptable. I am so ashamed."

Perhaps you missed that comment from her very first post, in your rush to judge and show your superiority. Shame on you.

cheekymonk I hope your visit to the HV/Doctors was successful and that you are getting the support and help you need.

Think of you and your DS x

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