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Parenting

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Original poster

AM I AN EVIL MUM?

210 replies

cheekymonk · 07/03/2006 15:58

I just wanted to ask what is the worst thing someone has done to their child. Sometimes I think about how I am and hate how I am with my little boy. I tell him to shut up alot, swear loads-usually not at him but under my breath but worst of all out of frustration I purse his cheeks together sometimes (not really hard) or slightly pinch his legs. Yesterday I even kicked him on the bum slightly which has sickened me ever since. I have finally realised that I am having trouble coping and that my behaviour is not acceptable. I am so ashamed. I want to be Mary Poppins but feel like Cruella de Vil. What can I do?

OP posts:

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amynnixmum · 07/03/2006 16:00

Ask for help. Lots of people struggle you are definately not the only one. How old is your ds? Do you get time out for yourself? Before mine started school I found just a trip by myself to sainsbury's felt like a treat.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 07/03/2006 16:04

My son is 13 months. I get very little time to myself. I have started working 2 days a week while he is at nursery but this has understandably unsettled him and made him need me more. My husband is in the Navy and my family all live away.
Yes Tescos or whatever can often feel like a treat, I do try not to stay in the house too much.

OP posts:

emmawill · 07/03/2006 16:06

I know how you feel I worry I am going to permately scar my children even if all I have done wrong is not thought aout every mouth of food they have, or when I let them sleep on the sofas, or if I haven't thought of tons of exciting stuff for them to do all day! Then I just end up getting frustrated because I just am not a instrinctive mother and my temper gets very short then, and I take it out on my dh as soon as he gets home from work, however then i worry he's going to leave me for a less neurotic woman!! Then I just realised that the more stressed I gewt over not being perfect the more unperfect I become. I don't know about you but I know I just need to be able to have time to myself without the kids and the odd glass (well, bottle) of wine certainly helps me.

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amynnixmum · 07/03/2006 16:08

Do you go to mother and toddler groups? I find those group things quite difficult but they definately helped save my sanity when dd was that little. How long ago did you start working? If its fairly recent you may both still be adjusting to the change in routine. Also - are you feeling low in yourself in general? I didn't realise I had PND until my ds was a year old.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 07/03/2006 16:14

I am feeling unhappy about alot of things. I feel restless and want to move house- get a fresh start. I feel unlikeable as I have found it so difficult to make friends. I go to a few groups but they can make me feel even more alienated. I go because my little boy enjoys them. It is not all bad, but the moments that aren't so good, really aren't so good.

OP posts:

amynnixmum · 07/03/2006 16:20

Do you think it might be PND? I only ask as I only realised that i was depressed when listening to a friend talk about her very serious PND. Luckily that day I must have been quite receptive and instead of hearing how different her experiences were to mine i only heard the similarities and accepted that how i was feeling was not just going to go away if i lost weight, got fit, got that new dress etc etc. I went to the doctor the next day before i could talk myself out of it and went on ADs. Until that day I had been convincing myself that everything was fine and that it was just that I had two young children and life was stressful. Once I had admitted to myself that this was not the case i could see how unhappy i had actually been even though I hadn't realised it at the time.

emmawill · 07/03/2006 16:25

My goodness I really know how you feel, I only go to groups because my dd loves to interact with other children but she is better than me I find conversation so hard and I feel like when all the other mums are breastfeeding and I tried but didn't feel breastfeeding both of mine I feel like a failure. Also I get so paraniod and feel like nobody likes me and what to move away. I suffered from depression a few years ago before I met my now dh and had 2 wonderful children and its not very nice at all but there is a lot help out there now and its there jobs to help and maybe it would be an idea to alk to someone now incase things get worst, I dare say things will get better but a helping hand never hurts anyone.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 07/03/2006 16:26

Yes a health visitor said I had PNd a while back and I did go to a support group which helped at the time but lately I have been feeling more and more unhappy. I have not actually gone to the doctor and said I have PND or need help. I have tried to avoid taking anti-depressants. I don't want to get hooked or put on weight as I already am overweight. I have lost 2.5 stone but this hasn't really got at the problem like you say. I may have been and still am in denial.

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 07/03/2006 16:29

You need help.

IMO nipping a 13month olds legs and cheeks is extremely wrong. My son is 14months old... and you say you kicked him in the bum?

I am trying very very hard not to judge you... as I am sure I would get shot down... but for your sons sake...get help before the nxt nip, kick or squeeze is too hard.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 07/03/2006 16:32

CheekyM - i think you need to revisit your GP, all this pent up anger and frustration needs dealing with approriately.

I do understand how you feel and what you are going through so would urge you to get helpl soon.

amynnixmum · 07/03/2006 16:33

Go back to your GP cheekymonk and tell them how you are feeling. I didn't really want to resort to ADs either and being a psychologist I convinced myself that I could make myself better but it didn't work. I went on Ads for 6 months to start with and felt so much better that i stopped them. Unfortunately the depression came back a few months after that so I went back on Ads and this time stayed on them for a year and since then i have been ok. Life can still be difficult and sometimes I still feel low but its nothing like that all the all encompassing pervasiveness of depression. Don't worry about getting hooked - AD's don't work like that. There are some horror stories out there must most ADs have few side effects. It made such a difference to my life and I just wish I had done it earlier so I could have enjoyed my ds more when he was a baby.

006 · 07/03/2006 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 07/03/2006 17:32

I thought everyone had been very reasonable so far. Fireflyfairy's response actually made me leave work early and try and see health visitor/gp but too late in day.

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 07/03/2006 17:35

Oh dear, it wasn't said to offend you at all.. just to make you see that it isn't normal to want to nip your 13month old child. I never meant to make you unhappy..

Original poster

cheekymonk · 07/03/2006 17:38

I think you are right...I am not offended but now I have brought it out into the open want to do something about it. I am not always a bad mum and want to be the best Mummy I can be for my son whom I do love very much.

OP posts:

WharfRat · 07/03/2006 17:50

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WharfRat · 07/03/2006 17:52

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noddyholder · 07/03/2006 17:52

Get some help and please stop physically pinching him it is wrong and you need help to stop it.It really does shape their whole lives how they are treated in those first years

lovecloud · 07/03/2006 18:20

You need help fast!

Call your GP for an urgent appointment.

You sound like you are unhappy and taking your anger out on your little boy.

With your partner away you must feel alone and being a mum can be really stressful. I am no Mary Poppins myself and do swear under my breath when she pushes me to the edge but I would never ever even jokingly hurt her.

Its really good that you are aware of what you are doing and care enough to talk about it.

You can get this sorted out now and hopefully your ds will not have any recollection of it.

You are in danger of teaching him that hurting people is ok. He will soone be beating kids at soft play centres at this rate.

You need to act now!!!

Ps. You are not evil, you just need someone to speak to who will help you get over whatever is upsetting you and holding you back from being loving with your son.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 07/03/2006 18:49

Thank you all for your advice. I will go to gp tomorrow. I will leave this now as I am finding it very painful. I know that you are all right and yes I do care deeply about my son. Ihanks again.

OP posts:

niceglasses · 07/03/2006 18:52

Good luck CMonk - you are brave to confront it all. all the best pet.

lunarx · 07/03/2006 19:23

i can vouch for Homestart. they are fantastic. i used them for 2 months (weekly visits) to help my parenting confidence.. and they give unsolicited advice....

speak to your GP. your HV too.

maybe there are other issues in your life that are pushing you over the brink too? (that was the case with me and my son, who is now 20 months.)

its hard work... good luck:)

Janos · 07/03/2006 20:01

Good luck cheekymonk. Do please go to the doctors and tell them how you are feeling - you will not judged.

You are not a horrible person but you do need to get help, you sound stressed out of your mind.

Take care and let us know how you get on x

Original poster

cheekymonk · 07/03/2006 20:13

Thanks wharfrat I have heard of homestart will look into it. Also, as for taking out all my anger and unhappiness on my little boy I have to say that I feel like he causes it sometimes. He won't play with anything for more than 2 mins, only sleeps for about an hour to 2 hours max in the day and at the moment wants to be in my arms constantly. This all leaves me drained especially as he is waking at 6 almost every morning. I never know if my expectations are unreasonable or if he is a bit of a handful! Either way, I have vowed never to lay a finger on him again.

OP posts:

starlover · 07/03/2006 20:18

Hi CM... I just saw this thread and thought i'd add my 2 pence worth you say that:

"I feel like he causes it sometimes. He won't play with anything for more than 2 mins, only sleeps for about an hour to 2 hours max in the day and at the moment wants to be in my arms constantly"

this is TOTALLY normal! it IS stressful sometimes, especially if you have PND... but it is normal,. all 13 month olds are like this, mine certainly is! He is immensely irritating sometimes and i'm not ashamed to admit it, but that is part and parcel of being that age I think!

I think you're really brave to tell us all of this, and to seek help...

btw, I also avoided anti-depressants for years... finally had to have them and they were a lifesaver. I'm now off them.
most modern ad's are NOT addictive and none of mine have ever made me put on weight

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