AM I AN EVIL MUM?

[cheekymonk]

I just wanted to ask what is the worst thing someone has done to their child. Sometimes I think about how I am and hate how I am with my little boy. I tell him to shut up alot, swear loads-usually not at him but under my breath but worst of all out of frustration I purse his cheeks together sometimes (not really hard) or slightly pinch his legs. Yesterday I even kicked him on the bum slightly which has sickened me ever since. I have finally realised that I am having trouble coping and that my behaviour is not acceptable. I am so ashamed. I want to be Mary Poppins but feel like Cruella de Vil. What can I do?

Its funny but already I have started to see my son in another light. I went to bed resolved to never hurt him again and woke up feeling resolute and even a little bit positive that we are going to put this terrible phase behind us. I just want to enjoy him and first and foremost for him to be a happy,content and secure child.

Glad the docs went well and that you are feeling more positive about it all. Good luck to you and your little boy.

cheekymonk, really pleased that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and hope things are better for you now with proper support. I for one think that your post may have helped others in the same boat. Well done for trying to sort things out.

I have to admit that going by the understandably strong reactions that this has provoked I do feel less alone about the whole thing and hope that I may have helped someone reading this that is also in a similar position. I don't mean to sound like I am all sorted though, I am at the beginning of this journey really so not in a position to sound smug!

Just found this thread - WELL DONE Cheekymonk - your honesty was / is refreshing .... wishing you both luck and love - and as they say:

1. A problem shared is a problem halved

... and for certain contributors:

1. Let those without sin cast the first stone.

It's a bloody hard job being a parent especially in the forces ( any help from the RN ? ) and away from family etc .... SO ... onwards and upwards.

"Its funny but already I have started to see my son in another light. I went to bed resolved to never hurt him again and woke up feeling resolute and even a little bit positive that we are going to put this terrible phase behind us. I just want to enjoy him and first and foremost for him to be a happy,content and secure child."

I'm so glad. I know some think I meant to sound cruel and a know it all, I can assure you I am neither, I only wanted to voice concerns. Thankyou for seeing you have a problem and hopefully with the support of your doc and HV you will be a happy confident mother. And by the looks of things you will have lots of friends and support from MN.

All the Best, Goodbye xx

felt like i HAD to answer to this thread, cheekymonk i really feel for you hun, i have been there and am willing to tell you a bit to help you see you are not alone.

when my son was born i became seriously depressed, but felt so much pressure to show i was coping. so when people came round and asked me how i was getting on i told them 'fine', but in my heart i was screaming for help. i loved my son SO MUCH, that i was scared to be responsible for him and began to push him away, it didnt help that my poor boy had undiagnosed silent reflux and used to scream in pain most of the day and night. i failed at BF and the house work went to pot, and all the while i still said i was okay. things got to the point where i began to view my son as an object rather than a person and used to sit with my hands over my ears whilst he screamed because i just couldnt get him to stop. one day, i lost my temper at long last and threw a glass of cold water over him, it still hurts to think of it now. after that i tried to bring myself to admit i had issues but i was terrified they would take my son away like i was from my mother. another time, i held him up and yelled in his face, another time i smacked him. i was a terrible mum and no worse punishment will be my memories of that time, no amount of anyone saying it was ok, i was ill, will ever stop that hurt. it does get eaier to bear though. one night i finally had enough and broke down in front of my husband, and told him i just wanted to die, i hated myself so much. and you know the saddest thing in it all? i LOVED my son to bits it was the fact he was upset and i couldnt make it better that made me upset him, so i could make it better. all very wrong. my husband made sure i got the help i needed and now i feel like a whole different person, my son is a happy loving child,that delights me everyday although i will never feel like i can love him enough to make up for the horrible time he had as a helpless baby. worse, once it was finally discovered he had silent reflux and he was put on medication, he was the most sweetest happy baby. you are a good mum, you have done wrong ike i did and you are getting help, that was more than i could do. my hub had to do it for me.

for those that judge and are harsh, what you say is very true, hurting a defenceless child is very wrong, and there is no worse punishment to the mother than her own memories. think about that before being too harsh.

cheekymonk things will get better. xx

Wow happybebe thank you for being so honest and explaining your circumstances in such detail and that you have come out the other side a happy mum and happy son. Thank you xx

just wanted you to know that you are not alone hun, patience is one of the hardest things to leanr if you are not naturally so, and anger is a very common sign of depression. i remember when my doc said to me i was depressed, i replied, no i am not i am angry, angry with everything and i dont know why. i have a lovely hub, a beautiful baby boy and i am angry. then i started to cry and couldnt stop. she told me that aggression is a normal sign of depression but not one people tend to relate depression too, when you think of depression you think of sadness and lethargy not anger. be brave and get your feelings out in a few months time with the right help you will feel so much better but remember those memories are there to stay, try not to use them to beat yourself up with. depression needs positive actions x x

I have read this thread with interest and happybebe's post struck a chord with me. I have two aged 2.5 and 13 months and some days I just get so harassed and stressed, usually when they both start crying or whining at the same time. It's as if suddenly I cannot cope with things anymore and get really angry which results in a lot of shouting. I love my children dearly and never considered PND and have always just assumed that days like that go with the territory. But sometimes I do feel awful about myself, my situation, my life and other times I just get on with it and have a good day. I would say that this has been me all my life and not just because I've had kids though, it's just a bit more focused now.

you are no more evil than I am.
I have walked in your shoes.
get help/support from where ever you can.

thinking of you.

That is such an honest and moving post, happybebe.

happybebe

i think your post will help cheekymonk a lot, how very brave of you both to be so honest. cheekymonk, i hope you can see that things will be ok now you have sought help

np xxx

i thinks thats the difference there pagan, days like that do go with the territory, its when everyday seems like that and its actually because of you, not your child. PND is so painful int hat it can take a long time to realise you have it and a lot can happen in that time that even though you know you were ill, you will never forgive yourself for. thankfully these days there seems to be a lot more done to help people recognise they have PND. a few points that can possibly indicate you will get pnd,

a history of depression in your family.
being seperated from your mother before the age of three.
family members suffering from PND.
SUffering PND once before.

none of these actually mean you will definately get it, but knowing 'triggers' may help. the reason i post them here is i am sure there will be a few mums who are not posting that have been or are in the same predicament as cheekymonk. xx

None of us is perfect whatever some may say and I think you are very brave. may folks never see the error of their ways or admit to them ...

You are strong and brave and i salute you for trying to be a good mother. you will succeed given the right help and support . Continue to use Mumsnet for support if that helps you - each to his own.

'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'

I am not a religious person but this is particularly poignant!

Cheekymonk, i want to applaud what (most) others have said and add - you have been extremely brave , in seeing the HV and taking steps to sort things out. Where I live, we have a support group run by the local Mental health Project for mums with PND, or just struggling! It is very supportive, friendly and has talks and activities covering everything from crafts to positive parenting. Ask around, maybe there is something similar where you live?
There is also, as you have found out, lots of support on here, please let us know how you get on!
And be realistic; if you have been struggling, even with ADs, you are not going to feel better overnight - that is normal and sometimes you may feel like you're taking one step forward, two steps back. Just take it one day - or one hour - at a time. :)
If things get on top of you and you feel the 'red mist' rising, make your baby safe, leave the room and have a cuppa, take a deep breath, scream, whatever! Empathetic hugs x

I think that Mumsnet really comes into it's own for things like this - I mnean that's what it's all about - talking to other mums. Nowadays everyone is stuck in far flung corners from their family and friends so where we previously would have had them to fall back on, we have mumsnet instead. I hope you find the support you need Cheekymonk both from mumsnet and from elsewhere.

agree pagan and most people find it easier to talk to complete strangers that they will most likely never meet than sit down face to face with someone and tell them. xx

Well done

Pleased to hear it went well

You sound really positive CM - keep it up and do post when you need help.
When I had PND I got no help and struggled through which was not a good course of action.
If it comes back this time I'll be much more upfront to be sure. Enjoy your little boy ...

Ok, sorry. I think that constitutes a direct attack on another mumsnetter. Sorry, please remove mods.

Rephrased:

Mamamimia

I feel that your responses have been utterly, utterly, utterly unhelpful. And, if a silly cow was ever to come along and speak on such a subject, they would probably, imho, say exactly the things that you have said.

Your posts have thoroughly incensed me - can you tell?! I have never called anyone a name before on a forum.

Cheekymonk - you are a star for sorting out this problem so bravely. Big respect to you.

Nannyme, You have my sincere apologies and pity, fir it is a pity that you have nothing else in your life to get so incensed over than a strangers opinion.

Perhaps you missed my last few posts where I also praised the OP for seeking help. And if in "your professional opinion" (I assume you are a nanny?) nipping and pinching is allowed on a 13 month old then I remain pleased that I do not leave my son with a nanny.

And, yes, I do think you went a little far by calling me silly, I am far far from silly my dear. and no, I may not come down from my high horse, I like it up here!

I am glad to see you got me soooo wrong - as you did with the OP. Have you done child protection training?

No, not a nanny. Mother of three,Bbehaviour Management Consultant currently. Previously Barnardo's Family Support Worker, Community Development Worker, Community Mental Health Worker.

I really don't think your U-turn really changes the fact that the best you could offer was criticism and a total lack of empathy. DO you think making depressed parents feel worse about themselves helps stop the likelihood of abuse. Maybe if you had some true experience from more than one viewpoint you would have a teeny bit of a grasp of the subject. Fool.

Maybe we could just drop the personal insults and get on with supporting cheekymonk? If you want to have a slanging match, a support thread for someone else isn't the place to have it.