Light-Hearted Jokes Thread 4 a Saturday night in.... no offence meant!!!

[Toblerone]

Just to start off with:

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted
it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

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Edgarcat - bet you were GUTTED!!!

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stunned silence

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Right ... I will check in at 10pm tonight ... 11am your time Friday and hopefully it will be all happening ....

This is a bit rude ... if you are easily offended read no further!!

The grievance....

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor
• I work at great depths
• I plunge head first into everything I do
• I do not get weekends or holidays off
• I work in a damp environment
• I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation
• I work in high temperatures
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments that you have raised, the administration rejects you request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight

• You fall asleep after brief work periods

• You do not always follow orders of the management team

• You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations

• You do not take initiative - You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

• You leave your work space rather messy at the end of your shift

• You do not always observe safety regulations, such as wearing protective clothing

• You will retire long before you are 65

• You are unable to work double shifts

• You sometimes leave you designated work area before you have finished the assigned task

• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

lol ghosty

ROFL Ghosty!!

Hilarious Ghosty

grear ghosty

lol ghosty

Here's my best
It made me smile......... :-)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks
at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant,about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.She finds the manager and says,

"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

LOL Britabroad!

Here's one for the girls:
Fantastic, especially the wine one!!!

Delia's Way 1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way 2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Delia's Way 3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside
of the cake.
The Real Women's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way 4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t.
Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way 5
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way 6
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust so I don't do that.

Delia's Way 7
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache,
but who gives a sh*t?

Delia's Way 8
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way
What's the point of blokes then?

And finally the most important tip - Delia's Way 9
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and
sauces.
The Real Women's Way
Leftover wine????

Lol .
Hurray at last I feel like a real woman.
My mate (a journalist0 met herand says that Delia is an alcofrolic so perhaps she is really a real woman too?

I better not post anymore jokes as I have just been blamed for ALL the inappropriate threads that have been started on Mumsnet!!!

Please refer to the "Don't change mumsnet too much" thread for more information.

Think this is an old one ???

A bloke parks his brand new Mercedes in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close
to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the bloke grabs his mobile and calls
the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the bloke starts screaming hysterically:
"My Mercedes, my beautiful black Merc. is ruined. No matter how long at
the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the bloke finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust:
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are." he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the
bloke.
The policeman replies,
"Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit
you."
The bloke looks down in absolute horror..................
"F*ING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........

"Where's my Rolex?"

sooooooooooo unfair anyway who are they to tell you what to do on mumsnet only a bit of fun get a life !!! If don't like it then don't read it.

Thanks Britabroad!

It's a general theme here unfortunately. It's not the first time I've had to defend myself on Mumsnet.
Certain people have taken a dislike to me. And there's not much I can do about that. I'm not going to change my personality in order to please them. I'm glad you have fun, me too!!

Think it is crap that people get off on criticising others. I'm sure they call that bullying at school!
You seem to have alot of mates on mumsnet and the others who "think" they are more intelligent well...., I now who me and my kids would rather spend time with.

britabroad I LOVEd your joke about knicknack -as I have no sense of humour it's rare that I laugh but I did!thankyou.

You always make me laugh m2t! Don't take it to heart... I like the fun stuff it brightens my day even when i have PMT! Some people just like to moan and do not like change.

See you in the pub!

ANN SUMMERS

Thank-you for your recent order, however the red vibrator you ordered from a picture from our brocure of our wall display was infact a fire extinguisher, please re-select.