Light-Hearted Jokes Thread 4 a Saturday night in.... no offence meant!!!

[Toblerone]

Just to start off with:

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted
it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

lol bye

Night Whymummy! You staying Breeze? The night is yet young and we are 20-somethings.... stuck in on a Saturday night!!

Ok hear goes with my only attempt at a joke.

Did you hear the Major from Who wants to be a millionaire has died.

Well Cellador said they would pay for the funeral, but they wouldn't pay for the coffin.

Sure I cocked it up somewhere

ok,you`ve remind me of this one
a man takes his wife an MIL to a restaurant he orders steak and the waiter says
_what about the mad cows?
-oh,they can order what they want!

hasta la vista amigas!!!

Breeze - LOL

And Whymummy!! Both brilliant!

...................Or am I drunk?

ROFL breeze

I'm still here browsing but have absolutely nothing useful or funny to offer so aren't at the moment. Sorry.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. He just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!

Sorry all. I don't have any jokes but I'm watching the show that I think is a total joke. It's Boys and Girls. I think Vern's dishy but the girl he has with him has the most piercing voice I've ever heard in my life.

It's all gone quiet at the back

Oh It's all gone quiet at the back

Oh It's all gone quiet
It's all gone quiet

It's all gone quiet at the back

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison??

Can't wash your hands in a buffalo.....

My one and only joke.

What did one saggy boob say to the other? We'ld better perk up or someone will think we're nuts.

What did the duck say when it went into the chemist to buy some lipstick? " just put it on my bill!"

lol meanmum and mmm

husband-" i want you to tell me when you have an orgasm"
wife-"but honey,you`ve told me not to phone you at work"

A husband and wife are lying in bed together,

husband turns and says to his wife
"hey love can I smell your fanny"

wife replies
"no you cant"

husband replies
"must be your feet then"

Whats green and smells of pork?

kermit the frogs middle finger

How does a woman hold her liquor?
By the ears.

How do you confuse an irishman?

Give him 3 spades and tell him to take his pick

ROFL!!!! Everyone!!

I'm laughing like an idiot and my colleagues are looknig at me nervously!

oh,mum2toblyrone are you working today??? no bankholiday in scotland

Morning Whymummy - Yeah it's a bank hol, but I'm a Contractor and don't get paid for time off.... so I'm in.

DP is off though so the house should sparkling when I get in!

A woman comes home after a visit to her doctor. Husband asks how she got on, she says "well he told me that i had a pretty fanny".
Very irate husband immediately storms around to see the doctor and says "what do you mean by saying my wife has a pretty fanny?"
The doctor says "what i actually said was that your wife has 'acute angina'".

LOL Nicki18!

A study at Latrobe University showed that the kind of male face that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where a woman is in her
menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating, she is more prone to prefer a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a cricket bat jammed up his a*rse while he is on fire.

LOL BOTH GREAT!
what does snow white say to pinocchio while doing the 69?
lie to me pinocchio,lie to me!!!

in a land far away

a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castlewith my mother,where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't f**king think so.

lol mieow
a woman with very large breasts was breastfeeding in a park an old man walks past and says
"good lord lady,is that baby sucking or blowing?"