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Light-Hearted Jokes Thread 4 a Saturday night in.... no offence meant!!!

204 replies

Toblerone · 03/05/2003 21:29

Just to start off with:

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted
it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

OP posts:
iota · 06/05/2003 11:10

Hi m2t - sorry I left so suddenly last night - dh got very huffy about being neglected for mumsnet yet again. Have just caught up on all the non-pc jokes and am racking my brains to remember some.....no luck yet

iota · 06/05/2003 11:30

Not exactly a joke, but I found this funny...

From the web:

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error
messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku
poetry has strict construction rules: Each poem has only 17 syllables; 5
syllables in the first line, 7 in the second line, 5 in the third line.
They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a
wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are
16 actual error messages from Japan.

Below, the essence of Zen.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Ghosty · 08/05/2003 20:46

Some funnies ....

  1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
    don't start anything."

  3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve
    food in here."

  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
    "A beer please, and one for the road."

  6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony
    wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

  7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
    One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

  8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "It's not unusual."

  9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
    "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

  10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
    to look at either.

  11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
    electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

  12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

  13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
    cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
    and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm
    going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed?
    "No, because he's really heavy"

  14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
    people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
    dad... or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.
    But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

  15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
    find any.

  16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
    couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are
    too high.'

  17. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
    "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you
    can't, I've cut your arms off".

  18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

  19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
    in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
    kayak and heat it too

Mum2Toby · 08/05/2003 20:50

Good evening/ghosty!

Brilliant jokes!

Here's another one:

A dyslexic bank robber walks into a bank and shouts:
Put you hands in the air Mother-stickers, this is a f*ck-up!

Ghosty · 08/05/2003 20:56

Hee hee hee M2T!!!!!

Good morning to you tooo!!

Mum2Toby · 08/05/2003 20:58

I'm drinking again...... slap my wrists!

Ds is at Granny's house all night, I only work til 1pm on a Friday so I thought F**k it! Here I am again............ the drunken bum, while you are just getting up to a brand new day!

Ghosty · 08/05/2003 21:02

Weird isn't it? It is just about 8am here and I am off in 15 minutes to a swimming squad thing that I have stupidly got myself into ... nearly died last week when I did it for the first time! Also DS screamed for the whole time in the creche (he is 3.5 would you believe) ... mainly because he has decided he doesn't like the babies in there because they cry and it 'scares' him .... strewth!!!!

Mum2Toby · 08/05/2003 21:04

Bless his wee cotton socks!

Actually, crying babies scare me too!

Mum2Toby · 08/05/2003 21:05

What day is it there ghosty? Are you a day in front?? It's Thursday evening (9pm-ish) here.

Ghosty · 08/05/2003 21:07

It is Friday morning .... It is mothers day here on Sunday ... don't think DH has done anything about it though ... I had to remind him to write a card to his mum this morning ....

lilibet · 08/05/2003 21:08

A farmer buys some sheep in order to breed them for profit. He asks the vet his advice and the vet suggests artificial insemination. The farmer being a bit short in the brain department isn't sure what this means, and asks the vet how he will know that they are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will become sleepy all the time and will lie down a lot. After considering things for a while the farmer decdes that the vet was telling him to have sex with the sheep, so he loads them all up into his van and takes them to a wood and has sex with every one of them, takes them back to their field and goes home. He loks at them the next day and none of them are sleepy so he repeats the procedure, loads them into the van, takes them to the wood and has sex with them all. Next day, still no sleepy sheep, so once again ,all in the van and to the woods where he has sex with them all twice for good measure. The next day he is that knackered he cant budge out of bed. He lies there and shouts to his wife to look in the field and see if the sheep are lying down. "no" says his wife "they are ouside in the van and one of them is peeping the horn and waving"

Ghosty · 08/05/2003 21:10
Grin
edgarcat · 08/05/2003 21:11

Message withdrawn

Mum2Toby · 08/05/2003 21:12

Lillibet - ROFL Loved that one.... I'm off to tell dp!!

Ghosty - MEN!!!! When will they learn.... so this is definitely an international flaw in the male chromosome!

Ghosty · 08/05/2003 21:13

Edgarcat .... When's the party? Where is it? Can I join in?

Mum2Toby · 08/05/2003 21:15

Well heeellllooo Edgarcat! Are you here for the evening or is it just a fleeting visit?
Ghosty and lillibet you've just gotta come to the party!

Ghosty · 08/05/2003 21:17

What party?????? Is it a cyber party? When, where???? I have to go out in 2 minutes time .... will I miss it???

Mum2Toby · 08/05/2003 21:19

It's a cyber birthday party for Edgarcat and Lindy!

Bring your own booze.... tomorrow afternoon. See you there!

I;m providing the singing entertainment and there's rumours of a stripper.

edgarcat · 08/05/2003 21:20

Message withdrawn

Ghosty · 08/05/2003 21:21

So ... tomorrow afternoon at what time ... your time that is ... Friday is it? I might be late as I won't get up until 7am which is 8pm your time ... will I miss it? Can I drink at that time of the morning???

Mum2Toby · 08/05/2003 21:21

Isn't it devastating!? What a woman!!!

Ghosty · 08/05/2003 21:21

Gotta go now ... DS is already in the car ...
Laters ....

lilibet · 08/05/2003 21:21

I'm at work in the aternoon, could make it about 4?
What should I wear?

edgarcat · 08/05/2003 21:22

Message withdrawn

Mum2Toby · 08/05/2003 21:23

I think it's a day thing Ghosty! So it'll start at about 10pm tonight YOUR time!!!!

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