Light-Hearted Jokes Thread 4 a Saturday night in.... no offence meant!!!

[Toblerone]

Just to start off with:

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted
it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Did you hear about the irishman who thought Johnny Cash was change for a condom machine!!!!!

Ah.... you've started it now!

How many Irish men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3
1 to hold the light bulb and 2 to turn the chair.

What does it say at the bottom of an Irish milk bottle?

Open other end!

How do you know when a dumb blonde has a vibrator?

By the chip on her tooth!!!!!!!

Mum2Toby,
You are a kindred spirit!!!!

Did you hear about the Irishman who was found unconcious under a tree with a 100,000 bumps on his head?

He tried to hang himself with an elastic band!!!!!

ROFL AGAIN Doormat!

Englishman Irishman and Scotsman are being chases by the Nazis. They run inot a barn and hide in some potato sacks.

The Nazis poke the first sack with a pitch fork and the Englishman shouts "WOOF WOOF".

They then poke the 2nd and the Scotsman shouts "MEIOW"

They move onto the third and the Irishman shouts " TATTIES"

An irishman was so fed up of reading how smoking was bad for your health.

He immediately gave up reading!!!!!!!

When paddy was asked whether he had seen any picnickers he replied that he hadnt but had spotted some blue knickers on a clothesline!!!!!

If there are any Irish Musnetters out there please don;t be offended. And feel free to post jokes about stingy Scottish people like me!

Paddy went into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch!!!!!!

Mum2toby, mothers on mumsnet getting offended....never

Or scousers like me!!!!!!!!!!

What do you call a scouser in a suit?

The accused!!!!!

LOL!!

My dp is a scouser!

Scouse Mums:

Child: Mummy Mummy, why are your hands so soft?

Scouse Mum: Because I'm 12.

..... sorry Doormat. Please post a joke about horrible Scots people now.

ROFL Mum2 Toby
Sorry I am getting carried away here.

Can,t think of any scots ones at moment.

What do you call a scouser in a mansion?

A burglar!!!!!!!

evening girls,i had to drag dh away from the pc

two blondes win the lottery and buy a porsche each,one day one sees the other on the side of the road looking really upset
-whats up sharon?
-well you wont believe this i was driving then the car stopped and when i looked under the bonnet i realised my engine had been stolen!!! -oh dont worry i`ve got a spare one in the boot!

I've got one!

Hamish is walking down the road when he spots this erderly man sitting on wall lookin sad. He stops and asks what's wrong.

The man says " See this wall? I built it! But do they call me Jimmy the wall builder??? NO!"

He continues:

" See those houses over there? I built them ALL with my bare hadns!!! DO they call me Jimmy the house builder??? NO

" But one sheep!!...... just one f*ckin sheep??....."

LOL!

What do you call 100 polititians at the bottom of a lake?

A start!

I'm trying not to feel offended here - Mother's Irish, father's Scottish - I was born in Liverpool (hense scouse)...

A bloke phones up his local chemist and asks if they sell incontinence panets. The chemist says "Yes Sir..can I ask where you're ringing from?"
Bloke says "just below the waist"
Think about it!!

Janeway I am a scouser and alot of family are irish?
Love the jokes girls keep them coming

Janeway - what a fantastic combination!! The quality genes from your Celtic parentage AND the SCouse accent and humour!!

a blonde girl walks into international calls centre and begs the man behind the counter to let her phone her mother who lives thousands of miles away because it was very important but she didnt have any money,the man says yes but tells her to follow him into a room he drops his troussers and says "go on then,you wanna talk to mummy dont ya?",the blonde grabs his cork and gets very close to it and then shouts
MUUUUUUUUUUMMM,MUM CAN YOU HEAR ME???????

meant cock

Mum2toby - not much of the accent I'm afraid - left the pool when 11, went to cornwall, then Cardiff, now in Scotland so accent is a bit of a mungral...