Light-Hearted Jokes Thread 4 a Saturday night in.... no offence meant!!!

[Toblerone]

Just to start off with:

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted
it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

You can throw a load in the washing machine without it following you around for a week!!!!

P.S I am a blonde also

LOL WHymummy!

Janeway - are you in Central Scotland?

What do you call a russian prostitute?

Nikkersovalot!!!!!!

P.S I am neither

Right doormat..... you started it!

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: Somewhere to hook their legs!

Q: How do blondes brain cells die?
A: Alone

Stop now M2T STOP Reeeeeesiiiiiist!

Doormat - I am both and I'm deeply offended by your joke!

Mum2toby, whymummy, janeway, finbar LOL

P.S dont resist let them flow

m2t - yes - in Edinburgh

a monoplane crashes in a cemetery in ireland,the pilot was taken to hospital but the rescue services digged up the bodies of 500 passengers

LOL everyone!!!

Cheers doormat - want to carry the flow on but am deeply tired and really need to go to bed.....but I just can't go yet in case another gem hits the thread!!!
GO TO BED NOW FINBAR - you know you'll look like * in the school playground tomorrow!!

Mun2toby,
I wish I was at least I'd be getting it!!!!
Lucky sod!!!!!

WHymummy - just choked on my wine!!! That was great!

Janeway - I'm in Falkirk!! We're not far from each other at all!!

this came from someone on mumsnet - though I can't remember who - still it's become a firm favourite in our home

during a discussion on different relationships and names you're called a Son said to his father "you have lots of names don't you? you're called Daddy & Micheal & stupid"

Wine glass now officially empty - joke memory also empty for time being - good night all!

good night finbar

I still just can't hit the sign-off button - am I addicted ?

DEFINITELY going now
LOL all.

Goodnight finbar
sweet dreams
p.s It doesn't matter what time I go to bed I still look like in the morning
HEEHEE

P.S That was not a joke

Doormat - don't go yet!!!!

This bloke is in the pub having a drink with his mates. He goes for a pee and this midget walks in. He uses the Urinal next him and he can't help noticing his ENORRRRRMOUS dick! He plucks up the courage to ask the midget.

He says: How the heck did soomeone so small get a dick that big!!?

The midget says "I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant a you a wish"

Tha man thinks a bout it. He says " Right, I want a dick the size of yours!" The leprechaun says ok but you'll have to let me have sex with you!

The man thinks for a full half hour then decided to do it!

Afterwards the leprechaun says "Before I grant your wish I must know how old you are.". The man replies 38.

The leprechaun bursts out laughing and says

"38 and you STILL believe in leprechauns?!!"

Sorry folks..... it's late.

You must be joking I am not going to bed yet?
I'm having more fun here

Coooooooool!

i really cant think of anymore,youve made me laugh again though!!
good night every one!!!

Night Whymummy.

Goodnight whymummy
sweet dreams
LOL

Is Janeway still here?????
Or is it just you and me m2t!!!!!!!!!

A woman goes into hospital for a fanny tuck (too many children took it's toll ).

After the op she received 3 bunches of flowers:

1 from her hubby
1 from the surgeon
And 1 from the burns victim thanking her for the new ears.

Oh dear, they're gettin sick now.....