Need advice Socials are against ex partner so are family but I want to be with home now I'm pregnant

[Butterflypink02]

Hi long story short socials Habe been in my family for the last 2 years be aise my ex husband had made up that I was in a DV relationship with my partner. My partner at the time has a colourful past and we have argued and police Habe been involved. At the time I hate him and end up doing statement against him. He hasn't been charged with Nothing but was put on bail that lasted 9 months as CPS were taking ages despite me complaining I didn't want this. Socials Habe been involved since and have done a risk assessment saying he can not be in a relationship with me or have Contact with my children from.my.ex husband. My ex husband has some his share of abuse and has taken the children out of school when or was agreed or was my day with the children.
Wind to last year socials were in agreement they were going to step down and everything is going good then an incident happened that I had no control over and my kids were present. I needed the relationship. Socials continues to call me a lier and put my children on co plan. This has now ended. And I have seen him on and off the past year. Socials Have made it clear that he is a risk. So anyways a few weeks ago we needed up having a night of S which has now turned into a positive pregnancy test ( we was trying for over a year and I had tests and we found it was him that couldnt get pregnant). So now I've found out I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do. How will socials react? Are they allowed to stop contact of I tell them I want to resume?

You have stated that the police were called, and they took at statement from you and your partner was bailed.

You have also stated that there was an incident that took place and the police and social services have thought that the risk was so high they have said your partner can not be around the children, yet you keep saying that your partner did nothing wrong. Stop minimising the incidents and stop sleeping with your partner.

If you carry on like this your baby will be removed as you can not even see what is wrong and your other children will be with their father full time.

Wake up OP

It seems pretty clear.

If you stay with your partner then you risk losing your kids to ex and continue to have SS involvement. If you have the baby and stay with partner then you risk losing the baby.

If you don’t want SS involvement then ditch your partner. If you have the baby then you need to go NC or only allow him supervised contact.

If you want no hassle from SS and your kids back then you need to not have the baby and ditch current partner.

It sounds like the kids are at risk if incidents that require police are happening. Even if they won’t there, they will be affected and shouldn’t have to live like that.

Colourful past when he was a kid - I assume that this means violence when he was a teen. How old is he now ?

Exactly this.

Social Services seem very clear he is a risk. So I would anticipate they will take steps to remove your existing children and your unborn child at birth.

This man sounds very dangerous for them to have assessed him in this way. You say he hasn't been violent, but something happened where the police needed to be called and you made a statement against him, so clearly there are some massive issues at play here.

You also say that you and he were under the impression that he couldn't get you pregnant. Are you sure you are safe sharing your news with him, or is he going to jump to the conclusion that it's another mans child?

Honestly, this sounds a dreadful situation. Your children need to be your priority and you need to have no involvement with this man moving forwards. Unless you are happy to have your children removed.

You can have a better life than this. You don't have to continue with the pregnancy. You could prioritise your existing children and their happiness and wellbeing by getting rid of this guy you're with. All it's doing is causing trauma and distress for your children when you could have a peaceful life. Bringing another child into this will make you poorer, and keep this boyfriend in your life indefinitely, risking your children being taken off you altogether.

If you prioritised THEM for just one moment, your next actions should be clear to you. It might make you sad, but you have more important responsibilities.

You need to do the freedom programme. http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Please listen to social services and for the sake of yourself and your children, having nothing to do with your 'partner'. None of what you describe is remotely a normal, loving relationship.

@Butterflypink02

1. Submit a Clare’s law request - the police can disclose any relevant DV or violent history that may put you at risk from this man.
2. Submit a Sarah’s law request - the police can disclose any relevant offending history that may put your children at risk from this man.
3. Listen to what the police tell you in disclosure. Really let it sink in without jumping to provide excuses for what I imagine will be numerous crimes and safeguarding concerns.
4. Pretend that you aren’t in a relationship with this man and ask yourself if you would allow someone with his history to have access to your children if you weren’t in a relationship with him.
5. Make a list of all the positive things he brings to your children’s life. Not yours. Theirs. Make a list of how having him around makes their life more difficult

After doing that, maybe you’ll have a clearer idea of why social services are so involved and worried for your children.

It was found he was the one who couldn't get pregnant? I'd hope not unless he's a trans man.

The whole things sounds a total mess and I don't have any advice. I wish you well though.

You need to be strong here. Walk away from this man. Work with social services and get some stability for your children and yourself. This is an awful situation for your existing children and at the stage of intervention you are in they will seriously look at removing your baby at birth. Be strong and walk away from him.

Fuck me why do some women have such bloody low standards when looking for a man?

Have some self respect. Ditch him and learn to cope on your own.

There no arguing with stupid. Hopefully ‘the socials’ will do what needs to be done.

Good god, OP. What's wrong with you?

You are making bad choices over and over and over again, and your children are at risk.

You need to step back and figure out why you're chosing this life with these men for yourself - but worse, why you're even letting them get near to your kids.

You risk losing your children if you continue down this path.

Step up. Mother up.

Good God woman, step up and protect your children.

(As an aside why does your phone keep autocorrecting have to Habe?)

Whether you agree with it or not, you have a simple choice to make OP.

Your children or your boyfriend. You can't have both so which will you keep?

Hi @Butterflypink02
You may feel like lots of people are judging and telling you what to do.
However from what majority of posters can make out - it’s really clear to us.
You shouldn’t be with your current partner. You SHOULD prioritise your current children. You still have time to focus on this, on the love and joy this can bring if you’re not distracted by men. You may think they are exciting - but they won’t be there for you and will leave you alone and heartbroken in the future and god knows how they will affect your kids. I can PROMISE you this.

Please listen to the advice on this thread.
Personally I would not keep this pregnancy either - but not sure how far along you are. Either way if you keep this pregnancy even more reason to focus on your kids and motherhood. Ask for help and advice on being a single mum from social services. It can be rewarding and I speak as someone who has done this and been focused on it.
lots of luck OP - pls read all the advice and follow it xx

@TheWaterIsEverywhere her children were on a child protection plan and social services have been involved for a while. When the plan is made they will have spelled out all the reasons they were concerned and that will already have included disclosure from the police. The problem isn't that she hasn't been told about it, the problem is she doesn't want to hear it.

I would have a chat with someone like refuge, you need a womans advisor and some counselling sessions to help mov3 forward, as this seems like a codependent relationship. If you google that term and also power and control wheel then some of that might ring bells for you.
I would be really focusing on your children and look to try and secure living on your own. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship, but for it to be a healthy happy relationship you really need some time alone and in counselling first, at least a year.
A baby doesn't make for a happy relationship, I'm sure you know this already from your previous children and relationship.
Please work with social services, I know it cqn feel like they are against you but they're not.
You can be a great mum to your kids, but please put them first. Wishing you all the best x

Some women fall over themselves to date murderers in prision, who have murdered women and even kids. I think their brains should be preserved after death and studied by scientists. I completely despair of some women.
AS for the OP, her choice is simple. Man or kids. As a man is some random you met on the street and your kids are your flesh and blood, my kids would be number one. But obviously not for some weird people.

This. OP, ask yourself this question.

Whether or not you want 'socials' involvement isn't relevant. Your children need it and social work services have a duty of care to them. Your options are to work with them and choose your children, or to choose this man (who has been assessed by relevant safeguarding professionals as too serious a risk to have around your children) and in doing so choose for social work to impose child protection processes up to and including removing your children from your care in order to keep them safe.

If you aren't going to keep the children safe, social work have to. It's their job.

@Butterflypink02

Social won't take a child just on hearsay evidence

Your partners "Colourful past" and "police called to arguments " mean they are not acting on hearsay only

You deciding you won't support prosecution won't matter jot

And no they can't support him to change. Because it's a waste of their time. If he wants to change its on him. And as part of that he would have to accept that his past means he can't be involved in his children's lives