Need advice Socials are against ex partner so are family but I want to be with home now I'm pregnant

[Butterflypink02]

Hi long story short socials Habe been in my family for the last 2 years be aise my ex husband had made up that I was in a DV relationship with my partner. My partner at the time has a colourful past and we have argued and police Habe been involved. At the time I hate him and end up doing statement against him. He hasn't been charged with Nothing but was put on bail that lasted 9 months as CPS were taking ages despite me complaining I didn't want this. Socials Habe been involved since and have done a risk assessment saying he can not be in a relationship with me or have Contact with my children from.my.ex husband. My ex husband has some his share of abuse and has taken the children out of school when or was agreed or was my day with the children.
Wind to last year socials were in agreement they were going to step down and everything is going good then an incident happened that I had no control over and my kids were present. I needed the relationship. Socials continues to call me a lier and put my children on co plan. This has now ended. And I have seen him on and off the past year. Socials Have made it clear that he is a risk. So anyways a few weeks ago we needed up having a night of S which has now turned into a positive pregnancy test ( we was trying for over a year and I had tests and we found it was him that couldnt get pregnant). So now I've found out I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do. How will socials react? Are they allowed to stop contact of I tell them I want to resume?

When you say arguments/police called, what type of arguments, and how many times did they get called out.
Who called them?

I think you should have a chat with women's aid etc, explain everything. See what they say.

That's unnecessary.

Social services don't have the time and resources to muck around protecting children who don't need protecting. And the police don't get involved with harmless arguments between people. If this man is so important to you that you are willing to ignore everyone telling you that your children are at risk, then it would perhaps be best if you told Social Services to take the children - including the baby. Hopefully they will be able to find them a stable environment where they are the priority.

Who did you give a statement to the police about? The man you have recently become pregnant by, the same man who your ex husband has alleged was a DV perpetrator? If so, what did the statement say?

Christ alive....so much is wrong here....
But best not write it all out.

No one needs a relationship, especially one that sounds as unhealthy as this one is and bringing a DC into the mist of it is just plain selfish.

What does a healthy relationship and happy family look like to you OP?

The environment you describe doesn't sound like one I would want my daughter within a hundred miles of, police being present, which you drop into the conversation as easily as I would mention taking out the rubbish, says that your "bar" for what is healthy and happy is so low that I'm not surprised, and I'm glad that Social services have you and your children under their radar.

You did not "need the relationship", you need to have time away from it, assess why you are looking for affection or attention where it is unhealthy, and as a previous poster said "Mam up" as quickly as possible for your already-born children. I personally know what I would do regarding your pregnancy too. PLEASE put your efforts into your children, and look at what you are teaching them is ok. It is not.

I hope you can find the strength and support to move forward onwards and upwards out of this mess.

What exactly constitutes a "colourful past" OP?

Fuck's sake.
As someone who lived with an abusive stepfather for several years because my mum prioritised her want/need for a partner over any basic safeguarding or care for me, women like you make me fume.
Stop buggering about with aggressive, hideous men and concentrate on keeping your children safe.

OP I have seen damaged children before even though there was no DV so mum couldn’t see the problem. The children had lots of uncles, the four year old could show and tell the special cuddles mummy had with his “uncles” and the seven year old walked to school on her own because mummy was “asleep” on the kitchen table. But they never witnessed DV so that must mean everything was alright then. Those two children were rightly removed from their mother and the same thing will happen to you unless you show that you can put your children’s needs first. Putting them first means getting rid of the boyfriend and you say the police have been involved but the police don’t bother with healthy relationships they get involved when they believe at least one person is at risk.

I would hope so. I would hope that despite whatever you say, intelligent people who care about the welfare of your baby and existing children will do what is necessary to protect them, even if that means removing your baby at birth.

Let’s hope so

I am curious - what other way could it have gone? I accept that a few of the comments are rather blunt, but protecting children from harm does tend to evoke strong emotions when people see that a parent doesn't care about their childs safety.

If you choose to prioritise this man over your children, social services will let you and remove the children for their own good - where hopefully they will not end up in the system for life and will find a family who will put their needs before shagging some violent twat with a 'colourful' past. Your new baby is likely to be removed at birth. Harsh as all that is - it is better that than another story where SS are accused of being at fault for not removing children.

Do what you want (I have a feeling you will), but be prepared for your existing kids, plus the new one, to be removed.

Personally? I'd terminate and keep this guy out of my life forever. Prioritise your existing kids.

I feel like the thread is just nasty now. As much people have a point and are right regarding the children. Op is also a victim of DV she's probably feeling attacked she's probably mentally and emotionally weak. We don't even know what support op is getting in real life .

Socials Have made it clear that he is a risk.

Well there's your answer. They are the experts dealing with these situations daily. So you have two choices here - him or your babies. You can't have both.

It sounds like you have had some very difficult relationships, and in all likelihood have had a less than ideal childhood that has left you with a poor idea of boundaries and self worth now. You are repeatedly making decisions that prioritise your own needs because you feel uncontained and desperate at times. That sounds really hard for you. I can't imagine you want to feel need for someone like this.

Nonetheless, your children need better than you are able to provide, either for yourself or for them. They need stability, consistency, and safety. I hear how much you feel love for them, but really sadly love isn't enough.

My wish for you is that you can access help and support to understand the choices you're making. I also hope you can prioritise the children by working with social services to help them find a secure and stable long term family environment, which you are not capable of providing.

I wish you and your children the best.

Best case scenario.
Abort.
Become a much better parent to the existing children you've been failing.

I'll leave aside the discussion on whether your partner is or is not violent, as that seems covered, but can still answer your question as to why your baby can be removed with 'no DV'.
Social services have told you he is a risk and can't be around your current children. They even put them on a care plan due to this. It doesn't now matter whether he is or is not violent, it matters whether you can accept there is a risk - there is always a risk in any situation tbf, and everyone should always be aware stuff can happen - but this man's risk is heightened due to incidents (or even if you like false reports from your ex) - you are failing to acknowledge the risk which has been spelled out to you by social (even if you disagree with what is said) and you are failing to act on it (ie stay away from him) - for social then this is ultimately failure to adequately protect your children - so they then step in to organise protection.
It might seem a bit like semantics saying it's risk not DV, but it is ALWAYS whether you can recognise potential risk to protect your child adequately, perhaps more than the incidents (actual or alleged).
I'm not sure what you hoped social could help with for you both? They have no resources and no necessity to work on you being together around the kids currently as they aren't his. Though as you say all is fine with him they would also think you wouldn't engage with their concerns anyway to address the issue. You could help yourselves by accessing parental support, legal advice (separately), counselling.
I'm not sure if you want this baby, this man, or not but be clear that social will not be happy unless you 100% confirm you have no contact with the guy whilst you are with any of your children- and you have to find some way to help them believe that - namely agreeing you recognise his risk.

When we read about children dying at the hands of their mother’s new boyfriend they all seem to have a ‘colourful past’.
i can’t be the only one who is appalled at the number of women put scummy men like this above their children -and even worse, actively TRY to get pregnant!

I hope that ‘Socials’ do the right thing and remove all the children until you sort yourself out.
How can you choose a man over your children? I will never ever understand how a mother can do that.

OP I don't want to be harsh but you need to realise children always come first. You had the children, you are responsible for putting them first.