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Original poster

I don't know what to do :(

40 replies

Ram1989 · 26/09/2018 23:45

Two month ago, my sister told one of her mate at school that my husband touched her. We found out from the social worker and a Police woman that came to our house. My Husband said he would never to that.

So they investigate and ask my husband to come to police station to give video interview. After a week Police dropped the case. As there is no evidence.

It really upset me that my sister didnt tell and she is saying that it happend couple of times and happend 1 or 2 years ago she said. I was there for her, even told her to tell me if anyone ever hurt her. But she said she didn't say anything because she thought we woudnt believe her.

The thing is my husband had a past where he did something to his cousin when he was a teenager and the cousin was younger than him. He had to move away from the family and was on sex offender register for 2 years. We married 8 years and I didnt know about his past until 5 years ago.

I know he wouldn't do anything like that, everyone loves him, he soo caring and loving. I love you soo much. All my family does too. This has been a massive shock for all of us. I just dont know what to think because of his past, Its giving me a bit of dought. I love him soo much. I need advice please it :(.

OP posts:
glagdy · 26/09/2018 23:53

So he molested his young relative but you think you're sister is making it up?

glagdy · 26/09/2018 23:53

*your

glagdy · 26/09/2018 23:53

He already HAS done something like that.

I'd believe your sister.

Littlechocola · 26/09/2018 23:55

Do you have children?

Italiangreyhound · 26/09/2018 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ram1989 · 27/09/2018 00:06

no we dont have children but we was trying for 3 years

OP posts:
feathermucker · 27/09/2018 00:08

You sound incredibly naive, sorry. If your husband did something that caused him to be on the sex offender's register years ago, and to a young relative, why are you in so much denial about this incident?!

How old is your sister and why dont you believe her? Do you have children?

HelloPeopl3 · 27/09/2018 00:09

He has a track record of abusing young people, however you choose not to believe your sister?

I would wait until he was asleep and chop his hands & balls off

fleshmarketclose · 27/09/2018 00:13

Why would your sister lie? Your H has already been convicted of something similar in the past so it's hardly unbelievable that he wouldn't do it again. Don't have children with him, in fact you should apologise to your sister and get the hell away from him.

Littlechocola · 27/09/2018 00:16

Why on earth didn’t you run far away when you did find out about his past?

Original poster
Ram1989 · 27/09/2018 00:23

I am not saying my sister is lying the fact she never told me or even my mum about it is what upsets me. About his past, when he told me about it, i forgave him cuz he said he was a changed man and said the cousin and the whole family forgave him and forgot about it. So when he told me about it, i was upset and angry but then i tought it was in the past. But now this, I know i need to go. This is it. Thanks just wanted opinion.

OP posts:
ambostraw · 27/09/2018 00:31

Eh? Your husband is a sex offender but you know he wouldn't do anything like that Hmm

Wake up!

FauxGold · 27/09/2018 00:41

Your sister didn't tell you or your mum out of shame and guilt a victim of such an assault or abuse often feels.
Honestly - think about it. Hi sis by the way your husband touched me/dis x to me yesterday...... a shit and difficult thing to say to anyone don't you think?

With his history I would trust my sister over him. Sorry. I know you don't want to think of your husband in a bad light but lightening rarely strikes twice. I doubt he would admit to it in reality. Why would your sister bullshit everyone about this?

Don't blame your sister. This isn't her fault. Sexual assault is hard for anyone to talk about let alone when it's your sisters husband who has touched you.

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2018 02:06

Ram1989 I stumbled onto your post and did not want to read and run!

I apologise because my post was carp.

I don't think you should see a counsellor, and I do have advice. Run. Don't continue trying for a baby with a man you cannot trust.

If you do not think your sister lied then you must conclude there is truth in her allegation.

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2018 02:16

OP That first post of mine is THE most crap advice I have ever given on mumsmet. I have asked mumsmet to please delete my post suggesting you speak to a counsellor.

I hope you will be ok and choose to start a family with someone you trust.

theworldistoosmall · 27/09/2018 02:26

So your sister who knew nothing about his past made an allegation? THink about it. He has form for this. You know of one relative and now your sister. Chances are there are more.

He said he would never do that. But previously he had. He was put on the register for a significant amount of time.

Abusers are caring and loving. Everyone thinks of them as a fantastic person. It's how they get in and build the trust to abuse.

He says his family forgave and forget about it. Yet he moved away. Does he even see them anymore? I highly doubt all his family forgave him or the cousin has forgotten about it.

Piebeansandchips · 27/09/2018 02:54

You do know what to do. Report him and look after your sister and be grateful you didn't have kids

Original poster
Ram1989 · 27/09/2018 03:12

theworldistoosmall yes he still see the family including the cousin. Went to a wedding beginning of the year and the cousin was there, they both chatted as if nothing ever happened. Because they are such a close and supporting family, they forgive and forget. He had to move away because the social services then said that because he was living with his parents and he had sisters under the age of 16 they said to him to move away. He was 18 then. He didnt have a good childhood due to his dad but i know that not good reason for him to do what he did in the past.

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 27/09/2018 03:18

I believe your sister. The fact that your husband was on the sex offenders register for two years shows that what he did with his cousin was a bit more than kids playing hospitals and - he was eighteen at the time. A grown man.

Ditch him. Maintain a distant relationship with him but don't live with him any more, divorce and move on. I know it's not easy but would be the right thing to do.

OolongSlayer · 27/09/2018 03:18

Are you making plans to leave OP?

Original poster
Ram1989 · 27/09/2018 03:21

I understand what you guys are saying and I completely agree but beginning of the year, when ever we went over to my mums and my sister was there, She would always cling onto my Husband or chat to him as if nothing happend. And If my husband touching her that why, woudnt you think she would stay away from him atleast ? I also rememberd when my mum and dad was having problems last year, my sister begged me AND my Husband if she could move in with us. This is why I am confused and dont understand the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ram1989 · 27/09/2018 03:25

OolongSlayer Yes making plans to leave. Just trying to figure out the whole thing. But defo leaving him.

OP posts:
OolongSlayer · 27/09/2018 03:54

Such a horrible time for you and your family OP, good luck Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2018 03:55

It's not at all unusual for a victim to 'cling' to their abuser or even to openly seek their company. The psychology of abuse victimization is so complicated and convoluted that it sometimes seem to fly in the face of logic. The fact that your sister 'clung' to your husband and asked to move in with you means absolutely nothing as far as disproving her allegations.

And FWIW, the fact that his family has apparently 'forgiven and forgotten' doesn't mean anything either. Many families prefer to ignore the elephant in the room and often coerce the victim in to 'being nice' so family harmony isn't disrupted and/or they don't have to 'choose sides'. Personally, I feel sorry for the cousin. I'm sure there are lasting effects from her having to tolerate being in the same room with him.

Original poster
Ram1989 · 27/09/2018 04:41

@a

OP posts: