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Original poster

Where do we stand as a couple to get custody??? HELP!

50 replies

Dreams · 23/01/2004 13:15

My Partner has a son who is 5 and is desperate to save him from the life he is in now!
We live about 4 hours away from him as he lives with his Mother !
He is not properly cared for any many ways he hardly gets taken to school and has got new Men in and out of his life day in day out!

He comes to stay with us in ever school Holiday and always ends up crying that he does not want to go home cause he does not like his mummy!
He says she is nasty to him!
At the end of the day we have to take him back cause it would only cause more trouble than its worth to not do it!
I am very very close to him as a step Mum and i love him as much as i love my own little boy!
It really makes me hurt inside to see this all happening and knowing there is a loving home here for him with me his dad and his baby half brother

But the thing that stops is ....we don't know where we stand in this situation as my partner is not on the birth certificate does anyone know if this stops you from getting custody he has been in his sons life from when he was born apart from 4 months when the mother would not let him see his son!

This really is a nasty upsetting situation and i do find it hard to deal with!

Does anyone have an experience like this ?
Does anyone know where we stand in getting custody of him or even I mean his Dad getting custody of him on a full basis??
Any advice and help Needed!

OP posts:
nutcracker · 23/01/2004 13:19

Not really sure how you stand if dp is not on birth certificate. Have you tried the citizens advice ???? Sorry can't be of more help, it must be awful for you both to have to take him back if you don't think he's being cared for properly.

StressyHead · 23/01/2004 13:23

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StressyHead · 23/01/2004 13:24

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JanH · 23/01/2004 13:24

Dreams, many solicitors offer free initial consultations to talk about a legal problem and see if you have a case. Yellow Pages have solicitors ads, I think most do family law but some do more than others, have a look at their ads and ring one up.

Good luck - it does sound as if he would be better off with you.

Original poster
Dreams · 23/01/2004 13:33

Thanks for all your Help. Its all a very long story ! My Dp was never married to her and no we are not married either engaged but not yet married.

I am going to get some proper advice as i feel its time for something to be done i love kids and cant bear to see things bad happening!

Its not a point that i don't think he is being cared for properly I know he is not being cared for properly!
What Mother lets there child at 4 on the streets and playing by rivers with 12-14 year old boys and what Mother encourages there 5 year old child to smoke a fag?
This is only parts of things now can you see why something needs to be done!

She does actually have social services watching her due to a very bad incident that happened a few months back!

I will seek advice as i do think you are right stressyhead and i think it makes it even harder with the name not on the birth certificate!
All i can say is she was a very clever and bitter Girl for not putting his name on it! This is probably the reason why it is not on there !

She nearly gave him up to us just before christmas cause she was not coping to well but as son as my partners Mum said we will do it all through the books she said NO!
Reason being she does not want to lose her benefits for him!
How unfair is that making a childs life miserable all for the piddly bit of benefits !

Sorry to go on but i have been wanting to write this hread for a long time now but been a bit scared too! now its all coming out suppose trying to get a weight of my shoulders as it really does upset me!

OP posts:
sobernow · 23/01/2004 13:33

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Azure · 23/01/2004 13:35

It may be an obvious question, but have you asked the mother if she would like him to live with you? It doesn't sound as if she wants a lifestyle that is compatible with raising a child. It may even be a blessing for her.

Azure · 23/01/2004 13:37

Sorry, hadn't read your second message before posting mine.

Jenie · 23/01/2004 13:38

How many children does she have?

Original poster
Dreams · 23/01/2004 13:39

Sobernow i know this is very very difficult to understand and very very awful to say but she does not want her son ! she does love him yes but in a funny kinda way!
No my ex does not speak to her at all his Mum and Dad sort all of it out they have not spoken now for about 3 years !
At the end of the day if she wanted to give him up why wont she now as soon as money is mentioned she runs a mile!
I am going to put it to my Dp that he should go and speak to someone about all this it has put a lot of strane on our relationship in the past as well as everything my Dp hears about from his Son or his Family its breaking his heart!
It hurts him to the point where he sits there crying wishing for a way to help but we always sit there thinking of ways to get round it and never come to a conclusion.
Its a very hard situation as i believe kids need there Mothers more than anyone and just wish she would take more care of him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreams · 23/01/2004 13:40

Jenie she has him and one other little girl but my dp's mother tells me she ahs always wanted a little girl so she is treated like a princess

OP posts:
StressyHead · 23/01/2004 13:41

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Original poster
Dreams · 23/01/2004 13:45

Stressyhead she called social services herself about an incident that happended! so they are watching her also the school have been in contact with social services too!

We will never call social services cause i believe your right stressyhead it won't end up right it will probably end up worse! like be taken in to care! NO WAY !

At the end of the day its not up to me its up to my Dp i am just always here if he needs me !
Obviously !

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreams · 23/01/2004 13:48

I just want to get this straight I don't want to take this little boy from his Mother i Just wish she would Care for him Better and that things that are and have happended to him would not.

He belongs with his Mother and i don't want to take him away thats not the sort of person i am , i am just very concerned for his safety and this has been going on for 2 years now!

It just breaks my heart !

OP posts:
sobernow · 23/01/2004 13:50

This reply has been deleted

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StressyHead · 23/01/2004 13:51

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Original poster
Dreams · 23/01/2004 13:52

No my Dp is not in touch with social services for the Reason being that he does not know where he stands in all this and does not want hes son to be taken away as this is an option that could happen

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreams · 23/01/2004 13:54

I will do stressyhead! how do you get parental
responsibility what is the first step i am sorry if i sound stupid but never dealt with anything like this before in Life ?

OP posts:
turnupthebass · 23/01/2004 13:54

just to go back a bit....she encourages him to try cigarettes??

sobernow · 23/01/2004 13:55

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Original poster
Dreams · 23/01/2004 13:57

yes turnupthebass this was the last thing at christmas we were told she gave him a fag lit it and told him to smoke it! He said it made him cough so he gave it to his mummy! My dp's Mum Was going to speak to her about at but everyone is to scared to confront her in case she banneds us all from seeing him again! But my Dp's mum is very upfront with her!

OP posts:
sobernow · 23/01/2004 13:57

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aloha · 23/01/2004 13:57

Hi Dreams, custody is an outdated word legally - the term used now is residency and that means legally defining the person the child lives with. The first step in this is getting your dp what is called a Parental Responsibility Order (PRO) which he will get automatically, even if his ex refuses to cooperate. At the moment he has no legal rights whatsoever over his son. The fact he is not on the birth certificate makes no difference. Presumably she agrees he is the boy's father and the fact that your dp has been involved in his life is more than enough for a PRO to be granted. I strongly recommend you go for this whatever else happens - it is legal recognition that your dp is this boy's father whatever happens - otherwise if she died, say, he would have no say whatsoever in what happened to his son. You can apply for this yourself via the court service (contact your local court, number in the phone book). For help and advice, contact Families Need Fathers, you'll find them on the net. I do agree with others that the other thing you should do is persuade your dp to talk to his ex. If she really doesn't want him she might actually be quite amenable to letting him live with you most of the time and just visiting her. If what you say is right then she clearly is not coping and her son is at risk. If she won't cooperate, then I'd say, yes, go for a residence order. There is no guarantee you will get it, I'm afraid. Courts favour mothers very strongly - usually rightly but sometimes wrongly IMO. You will need a good solicitor to help you - again Families Need Fathers will give you advice and the Family Law Society will give you a list of family solicitors near you. I warn you, it is a very expensive, horrible and stressful experience if she doesn't want her son to live with you, but I think the fact that social services are involved may help your case - and frankly, in your position, I'd do the same. Good luck.

Tom · 23/01/2004 13:57

I can clarify the rules on Parental Responsibility:

There are four ways for fathers getting PR:

  1. Be married to the mother (before or after the birth)if child born before Sec 2003

  2. Be on the birth certificate if the childis born after Dec 2003

  3. Mother and father both sign a 'Parental Responsibility Agreement' - you can download one from the web - and send it to the court

  4. Apply to the court for a Parental Responsibility Order (if the mother is unwilling to sign a PRA)

Once you've got one, it doesn't make alot of different - if a residence order is given to one parent, the other parent is often at the resident parent's mercy - courts are appalling at upholding contact orders, even if it's taken years and thousands of pounds to get the contact order.

The best method, by far, is to have an amicable agreement between parents. Going to court is expensive, fuels conflict and can often get you nowhere, especially if you are a father and the mother simply refuses to co-operate - courts are very reluctant to pernalise resident mothers.

If you need help in getting an informal agreement, then www.contactmatters.co.uk is a good resource.

sobernow · 23/01/2004 13:58

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