Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Just a rant - got lectured on the incompleteness of my family!

49 replies

ljhooray · 02/02/2010 12:00

Pleasant night out for friends birthday (who is expecting dc2) and being the only mum of 1 in RL was set upon by 3 mums of 2 telling me my family couldn't be complete without another (apparently every midwife will tell you that - not sure what relevance that statement had and as Stephen Fry says, always be wary of statements that start 'apparently.. )

I know through this board that there are many here who have 1 not through choice so I would never be as disrespectful as to lie and shut down the conversation with 'I can't' but having looked recently at the Office of National Statistics site that 1 child families are the fastest rising family mix, why is my tale just not that uncommon?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RebeccaRabbit · 02/02/2010 13:30

I must inhabit a different universe to others on this board because no-one has ever said anything to me about my child being a poor only (although like MadBad, I am 72 so maybe that explains it ).

Just tell them that your family is complete, content and they don't know how many more kids they will need to have until they feel fulfilled - indeed they never might.

Littlefish · 02/02/2010 13:34

Tell them to fuck off! That would end the conversation pretty quickly.

If you're not feeling quite that abusive, I would simply say.

"That is your opinion, however, I disagree and I'm not prepared to discuss it any further".

CMOTdibbler · 02/02/2010 13:39

What bitches ! I'm with Littlefish on this one.

MIL once told DH we were cruel and nasty not to have another child. She got a bit of an earful from him. I do get asked reasonably often, but it seems to be lessening as DS gets older

I think a dignified 'well, we are all very happy as we are' and a swift change of subject (and refusing to discuss it after that) is the only real way of dealing with such questions though

Iklboo · 02/02/2010 13:39

Well ,where do you stop and draw the line then? Why is 2 'complete' - what's wrong with 3, 8, 20?

Original poster

ljhooray · 02/02/2010 14:07

Well quite! I must admit I did enjoy the attempt at qualification of the statement that all midwives appeared to be trained to instruct that until you have 2, you do not qualify as a family! At that point it all turned into white noise

Wonder what it is that makes me love having one but to others it's 'against nature' (had that one too!)

OP posts:

AvengingGerbil · 02/02/2010 14:14

'When you have a perfect family, why spoil it with more?' [tongue in cheek emoticon]

Original poster

ljhooray · 02/02/2010 14:15

Love it AvengingGerbil!

OP posts:

BigBadMummy · 02/02/2010 14:17

As an only child does that mean that my parents were inadequate? no

Was my childhood sadly lacking because I didnt have siblings to beat up and argue with at every opportunity? no

Was a spoilt brat because I am the only one? I wish

Tell them all to fuck right off. Who made them parenting experts?!!!

CMOTdibbler · 02/02/2010 14:20

Surely having 2 is against nature as well ? The natural state would be to be pregnant or breastfeeding for most of your fertile years.

becstarlitsea · 02/02/2010 14:26

This week I have had:

'No plans for any more then? But don't you feel sad for [DSs name]?'
'So not having any luck with conceiving the next one then? Have you talked to your GP?' (from someone I barely fucking know! Certainly had never suggested to her that we might be TTC, and we aren't!)
And...
(After I'd said that I was planning to stay at home until DS is old enough to do after school club etc) 'You can't be a full time mum with only one child. You'll have to get yourself back into proper work. You don't want to become one of those mothers who has an unnatural connection with their child.'
And...
(From GP) 'Your only child is he? I only ask because a more experienced mother wouldn't bring a child in with.... Oh, he is a bit wheezy actually, isn't he?"

It's made worse as I'm waiting for a scan - abdominal pain (likely ovaries) and am a bit scared that something might be seriously wrong. And total strangers or acquaintances are nagging me for only having one child! It beggars belief...

Bollocks to the lot of them.

SleepingLion · 02/02/2010 14:28

Another who has chosen to stop at one here; people seem to have finally grown tired of asking us about no. 2 but I used to really hate it - I would never dream of saying to anyone - 'Two/three/four/eight children? - how cruel!' yet people seemed to think it a perfectly acceptable response to my little family.

Fortunately, there are a number of onlies in DS's year at school and my closest friend also stopped at one through choice so I have RL allies.

Original poster

ljhooray · 02/02/2010 14:40

CMOTdibbler - I definitely miss that strand in my genetic makeup!

Becstarlitsea - its the potentially insensitive too that riles me. Yes I have an only through choice as many do here but still the comments continue not knowing whether you are sadly not able.

Big bad mummy - I'm sure as my dd grows up she wishes she'd been a spoilt brat too! We are far too mean for any of that nonsense

OP posts:

StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears · 02/02/2010 16:55

Crikey! What sort of person tries to undermine their friend's confidence in their decisions?

I think, in your shoes, I might say "well, it would be a dull old world if we all made the same choices, wouldn't it?" Preferably with a steely glint in my eye. If I was spoiling for a fight more courageous, I might say smugly "but we felt we'd got it right first time".

DontCallMeBaby · 02/02/2010 17:01

I live in the same universe as RebeccaRabbit, as no one has ever asked or commented in a negative way about DD being an only. Tell a lie - when I first suggested she might be, when she was tiny, my mum said it wasn't fair for her to be an only child, as she would have no siblings . I let her off, as she is (a) my mum (b) an only child and (c) on the basis of that statement, slightly barking.

Or it could be that RebeccaRabbit has, like me, despite being in reality a lovely and postively meek person, an aura of 'feck off OUT of my personal space and business'.

If you don't want to fib when on the receiving end of such comments, how about asking these people what they would be saying to you IF you couldn't have another child? Obviously they wouldn't be saying you were cruel and all that nonsense, but would they still be saying your child would miss out, be spoilt etc? If 'no', why say it to you? If 'yes', they're thoroughly nasty people you should poke them with sticks.

becstarlitsea · 02/02/2010 19:24

I just had another one, only an hour after logging off from MN! But my response seemed to work better than any so far. The Tesco delivery man (oh yes, everyone's entitled to their opinion of my reproductive history you know) said 'No others, then? ah, that's a shame. You should have another one, you know, for his sake' I said 'Well, we were blessed to have him. That's how I like to think of it." And he said 'Ah, that's lovely' and left it at that. Without me having to draw diagrams of my ovaries... For the Tesco man.

I do not have RebeccaRabbit or DontCallMeBaby's aura. I have the aura of 'Please do tell me exactly what you think of my personal life. Don't let the fact that you barely know me stand in your way, and don't trouble yourself with any of the most basic social niceties, I don't warrant them.'

Wonder if I can ebay my aura?

RebeccaRabbit · 02/02/2010 19:25

"Or it could be that RebeccaRabbit has, like me, despite being in reality a lovely and postively meek person, an aura of 'feck off OUT of my personal space and business'."

I think you've got me sussed, DCMB

sungirltan · 02/02/2010 19:34

I am an only child and I love it! I still think now at 30 how glad I am that I didn't have to share my Mum with anyone!

Hope that helps x

DarrellRivers · 02/02/2010 19:38

And on the other hand, have more than 2 and every tom, dick and harry feels you are dying to know their opinion
'Was it planned?'
'That's a bit greedy'
'Oh, you're brave'

2 children=no comment
anything else, all kind of crank comments

DorotheaPlenticlew · 02/02/2010 19:45

Excellent thread. We are expecting no.2 but it was never a given we would have another. I was an only child for 11 years, and am still my mum's only, and that's fine -- nowt wrong with it, cannot grasp why people feel the need to come out with this crap.

becstarlitsea, at some of the comments you've had! "an unnatural connection" -- ROFL

DontCallMeBaby · 02/02/2010 19:52

Of course the people with two have to have 'one of each' as well, I understand, or get comments about having only one sex - 'shame for you' to the parent of the opposite sex. And if you do have 'one of each' I understand being told 'aren't you clever' is quite vexing. Two, then a big age gap - knowing look, must have been an accident. Small age gap - ooh, you've got your hands full. Two toddlers and a bump - haven't you figured out what causes that yet?

The one that made me laugh was two mums from school practically falling out of their chairs with shock because one of the others had four kids - they have three each! Meanwhile me with my singleton, just nod and smile at everyone's reproductive choices/fates. I twitch slightly when we get to five kids plus, but I do my best to hide it (and that's only because of the thought of the noise, given how much DD makes all by herself).

GrimmaTheNome · 02/02/2010 20:13

I seem to have escaped this sort of thing - maybe because I was 38 when I had DD and maybe it was obvious that she was as much as I could cope with!

A slight majority of the girls in DDs class are singletons. It is common!

StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears · 02/02/2010 20:50

.... and who says MadBad is 72? I heard she was 78.

Original poster

ljhooray · 02/02/2010 21:54

Darrellrivers - you are so right, anything other than 2 and every one wades in. Wonder if my reproductive choice should have a comments section a la BBC news website!

OP posts:

Smithagain · 02/02/2010 22:04

Just to buck the trend, I have two and get no end of comments about whether I'm thinking of having any more. It's just one of those sod's law things - people feel they have the right to comment. Which they don't. Am at becstar's GP, though!

oldwomanwholivedinashoe · 13/02/2010 15:42

Well, FWIW, I have 2 darling children and although I love them deeply adn would not be without either if them, I wish i'd had the foresight to stick at one. I have realised I am a selfish person and need lots of 'me' time. having 2 children is tough for me. I think that if one is right for you - tell the others to fuck off!! None of their business!

Flip

1 2