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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Just a rant - got lectured on the incompleteness of my family!

49 replies

ljhooray · 02/02/2010 12:00

Pleasant night out for friends birthday (who is expecting dc2) and being the only mum of 1 in RL was set upon by 3 mums of 2 telling me my family couldn't be complete without another (apparently every midwife will tell you that - not sure what relevance that statement had and as Stephen Fry says, always be wary of statements that start 'apparently.. )

I know through this board that there are many here who have 1 not through choice so I would never be as disrespectful as to lie and shut down the conversation with 'I can't' but having looked recently at the Office of National Statistics site that 1 child families are the fastest rising family mix, why is my tale just not that uncommon?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Dillie · 13/02/2010 16:14

I have one child of 4y and a bit and have constantly been asked "now you should have another" .. especially at dd's nursery!! They probably wanted the extra cash lol!

I came out with a fantastic line that stopped them in there tracks ..."I dont really want another as you cant improve on perfection"

NoahAndTheWhale · 13/02/2010 16:17

I think how ever many children you have, people feel it is a good idea to comment.

I have two, one boy and one girl. Have been told I am "clever" to have had one of each. Have been asked if I am having any more. Have been asked if it is difficult having them close together (22 month age gap). I generally smile and nod.

DontCallMeBaby · 14/02/2010 11:26

Dillie, I had comments as DD was leaving nursery that 'we will see you again!' No you won't ... well, not true, DD was keen to go back and visit, but they aren't going to see me with another baby. Had a few flippant comments about how I 'should' bring them back another baby, and never did get around to commenting to the owner. I wanted to suggest she discourage her staff form making such comments, as although I didn't mind much I really hoped they weren't making them to my friend who after six miscarriages would have LOVED to bring them another baby (happy ending - she has now).

DD wants to go back and visit again actually, must make sure I suck my stomach in when we go, just in case.

Original poster

ljhooray · 14/02/2010 20:02

LOL don'tcallmebaby.
Latest comment here is 'you'll change your mind when she goes to school, you won't know what to do with yourself' - hmm, think between my job, taking care of my recently widowed mum, after school activities and play dates I might fill in the lonely hours

OP posts:

doubleinstructions · 14/02/2010 20:20

I have 2 (one of each so I am clever too Noah) but this thread reminded me of my GP when eldest was born.
At a developmental check,ds was about 6 weeks,GP was insistent I should have more as
our relationship would be too "intense" and I would lean on ds too much. Was in the middle of marriage break-up so was obviously
heading for lone parenthood.
Bizzare advice looking back.
OP,you should shout at rude people.I would second the "Fuck Off" advice.

tiredbrightonmum · 21/02/2010 08:36

I am SOOOO glad I'm not the only one who gets bombarded with insensitive (and quite frankly STUPID) comments about only having one child. It is unbelievable! After having my son who is now 7 I found out I had secondary infertility, became perimenopausal (stupidly I thought the lack of periods was because I was pregnant!!) and was told after one IVF attepmt that I would never be able to have another baby unless I used donor eggs. A lot to take in, and whilst grieving for this "lost" second child and feeling guilty that I was unable to give my son a sibling I had to contend with crass comments such as those you have all experienced. Even now it still hurts when I'm told to "get on and have another one", even though logically I know the people making the comments do not know my situation. However, some friends (and even family!!) continue to make insensitive comments around me - obviously they are over it now and have moved on. Grrrr!!!!!!

BelleDameSansMerci · 21/02/2010 08:47

Another only here too... I had my DD very late at 42 but still get asked if I'm having any more. I've never really thought about it but my horrified expression and response of "God, no - are you mad?" does seem to put an end to further discussion. I love my DD with all my heart and wouldn't change anything about her (apart from some of the more me-like traits ) but I can't imagine coping with two! Plus am single parent so couldn't afford it anyway.

GoldenSnitch · 21/02/2010 09:04

Another one with one of each (even have the required 3 year gap) who can vouch for the fact that we're not safe from comments either.

DD was born 9 weeks ago and the amount of nurses and doctors in the hospital who said "see you next time" even though I had said that she was definitely our last!! "You'll change your mind " was the usual response!

And then my FIL, on learning that I had given away our copy of "There's a House Inside My Mummy" because we wouldn't need it again - "so you're not having any more? But children are easy"

Can only come from the man who spent 7 days a week working when DH and his 2 sisters were small and missed his entire childhood!

sparkle09 · 21/02/2010 09:38

i dont think anyone is a immune from comments,

i have 2DC one of each sex and 3 years apart.boy first then girl

i would love one more eventually but when i say i do people think im mad as i have the perfect family. done it the 'right' way. i should be happy with what ive got.

i dont know why everyone thinks they are the experts on family life, years ago people wouldnt dare talk about these things as they are private matters.

droitwichmummy · 21/02/2010 09:48

I have one lovely DS who keeps telling me he wants me to have a baby but my prize for insesitive/stupid comment has to go to my Dsis who 2 months after I had a hysterectomy (not planned - prolapse) said 'You will soon have another baby' WTF?! No idea how she thought that would happen

Thankfully I am the 'wrong' side of 40 for most people to comment but I take great pleasure in replying to people that it would be a medical impossibility

Takver · 21/02/2010 16:49

"my horrified expression and response of "God, no - are you mad?" does seem to put an end to further discussion"

that'll be me, too .

I do like the wikipedia article on only children - including the fabulous bit on a review of 141 studies: "The most important finding was that only children are not very different from children with siblings."

and "A second analysis revealed that only children, first-borns, and children with only one sibling score higher on tests of verbal ability than later-borns and children with multiple siblings."

ie, our onlies (and oldest, and one-sibling children) can talk the hind leg off a donkey.

Seems like a perfect summary of my dd - pretty average, but never stops talking

Earthstar · 21/02/2010 18:26

Oh yes I remember the old 'when she goes to school, you won't know what to do with yourself' warning...

Bf told me this quite pointedly. The reality is that I still work 23 hours a week - when dd is at school I am at work, except for Fridays when strangely I have no problem filling my time with chores and even the odd hour to myself which is of course utter torture .

People talk a lot of rot. I counter "why don't you have more kids?" with "well we got it right first time" and a cheeky grin. Usually puts a stop to it.

Broodymomma · 25/03/2010 18:09

Ohh I get this all the time. After 3 ivf's we have a gorgeous 3 year old ds. Everyone knows about our struggle to have him but seem to think as I have had him I am cured! One "friend" even told me I was selfish not to have another!! This 3 weeks after my failed ivf last year. I just smile sweetly now and say "why would i bother - i cant improve on perfection" whilst secretly wanting to punch them!!!

giveitago · 27/03/2010 22:54

Oh yes - lots - from my dh family! Poor child all on his own but he comes from a culture where friends are not really that important as they have big families - well - my only one will have lots of friends and big big life is what I tell them.

Ignore 'em.

YellowDaffodil · 06/04/2010 19:07

I've had this to many times to count - never really understand why it seems to cause other people, particularly casual aquaintances, so much concern that DH and I only want 1 child.

Recently had the DD will be spoiled, lonely or a criminal mastermind speech from a friend of a friend. Told her to piss right off. She's planning a 2nd child with her DP (their 5th between them), alas he has a tendancy to misplace his dick in other women.

She thinks I'm the odd one!

Jacksmama · 06/04/2010 21:13

Have had all the above comments. One patient went off on a rant about how horrible only children are (right after moaning about what in the world would she do if I had another and had the nerve to be off on mat leave again ). I asked her, "you like DH (whom I work with), don't you?" She goes off on how lovely DH is (he is, too, most of the time ). I say sweetly, "he's an only child".

Ta-dum!

Jacksmama · 07/04/2010 21:45

Jeez, I killed another thread. That makes three in two days. Must be some kind of a record.

WilloughbyWallaby · 17/04/2010 08:52

Maybe I can revive it? So pleased to have found this topic and very interested in everyone's retaliations.

My problem is, I can't tell MIL to fuck off.

So what do I say?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 17/04/2010 08:55

People are so out of order sometimes...I was on a work night out and got harangued by my colleagues and boss that I should have more kids..my boss said "one child is crap"!??!

scaryteacher · 19/04/2010 10:49

Just point out that school fees are soo expensive for two!

I could only have one, and learned to ignore the comments. Ds is now 14 and enjoys not having a sib - the thought of having to share the attention and the hob nobs gets too much for him!

zazen · 17/05/2010 20:20

We were very lucky to have DD considering my Dh makes hardly any sperms at all..
We had TTC issues for yonkers and we were even refused IVF and ICSI as DH's sperm were below 5%, and have no longevity, poor morphology.. she's a blinking miracle and I gaze at her and am filled with wonder every day.

So when people ask me when I'm having the next one, I laugh and say DH is having the next one.

Even when leaving the hospital, when the midwife was actually holding my file, which had our previous TTC difficulties, (fertility work ups etc) and horrific birth details etc written in it, she with a knowing smile and cackling laugh said "see you next year"...

eh no you silly cow, I hope to never see you again!

We have DD in a faith school (Roman catholic) now where bigger families are the order of the day - 4 and 3 is quite usual, but I have found the mums of other onlies are allies and we have a laugh over our chardonay when our DDs are playing (nicely) together!

CashCarol · 20/05/2010 12:10

I know this thread is from ages ago, but if your friends think you need to have more children to make a 'complete' family they are doing something wrong IMHO.

Over40 · 30/05/2010 13:34

Love the idea that a Mum can have an "un-natural connection" with their child! My child's teacher tried to imply the other day that my DD is over indulged as she is an only child. (This coming from a women with 3 of her own and 2 step ones!!). I am a teacher myself and nearly fell over laughing as I am much tougher on my daughter than 90% of the parents I encounter, a view backed up by several friends and my own mother! I simply replied she was fine, wiped the tears of laughter away and left the room.

DilysPrice · 30/05/2010 13:49

One of the many reasons this sort of behaviour is so wrong is that it puts even more pressure on people with secondary infertility.
A mate of mine is suffering agonies with secondary infertility - realistically it's not going to happen for her given her particular circumstances which is awful, but it's made even worse by her totally unnecessary guilt about how she's depriving her perfectly happy thriving 4yo daughter of a sibling.
I might dig out those links and pass them on to her.

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