Why did you choose to just have 1 DC and when did people stop asking you about the second?

[Aabbaas]

I have a 6 yo DD. Best thing ever and love her more than my own life, however, after she was born I knew I was one and done. Everyone kept saying “you’ll see, once she is a bit older you’ll definitely want another one” but 6 years later I am still convinced about this decision. DH is also onboard with that.
Reasons for not wanting another one are many, but mainly the fact that I genuinely do not feel the desire to have a second baby and I have found the first couple of years incredibly difficult. We also live in London with no family help and starting with nursery fees again would be financially draining. Pur home is small and only having one DC allows us a lot of freedom. I finally feel I can have my life back, we can travel and she is genuinely fun to be with. I wouldn’t want to miss out on all these things to be constantly exhausted with a newborn/toddler.

Most people I know have 2+ kids or none so keen to hear from other fellow one and “doners”: what are your reasons and how are you finding it? Do you get pressure to have a second one from people arouns you?

DD recently started asking to be a “sister” but I think that’s because most kids in her class are siblings. It pains me a bit when she does but ultimately we know this is the right decision for us.

We always sort of thought about having a second but circumstances just were against us - redundancy, no support locally, gigantic nursery fees - so we couldn't for the first 5 years. Then things are suddenly easier, you have a life again, my son had all our attention (for better or worse), money and time and we just stopped at 1.

Sometimes people ask why we stopped at one and luckily it's not a dreadful reason so I don't mind telling them.

I find some people are very fixated on this topic, especially the ones that don’t know us well at all!

I’m 49, people still ask me.

When I was younger I would ask this to other mums of little ones because I had been asked so many times myself and it seemed normal.

Now Im a little wiser I would never ask anyone unless I knew their specific circumstances incredibly well to the point where asking would be redundant because they would have already told me.

Point being, I'm surprised it comes up so often because there are so obviously so many reasons people might not have another baby, one is simply not wanting one which is great but every other reason is personal and potentially upsetting. I dont know why it's seen as an acceptable/casual question

I think the look of horror on my face when anyone asks me if I’m going to have a second is enough to stop people asking more questions!

One and done over here! So many reasons - the huge financial hit, tiny flat, forthcoming climate change, the biological clock, stressful day job, self employed work on the side and it’s been exhausting so far. I still have urges but it would be so expensive so I don’t think it’s happening. I adore my child and love being a mother, there’s a part of me that is sad about it but that’s ok!

We couldn’t have afforded 2 sets of nursery fees. I still occasionally get asked now… DS is 17!

DC is 8.. it was the hot topic at his birthday bbq when he is getting a sibling !! Despite everyone who attended knowing I had a terrible pregnancy, struggle with health issues and DC has complex needs 🤯 it’s just ridiculous to make it a conversation when everyone know it is never going to happen.

DD was desperately wanted and planned for but as soon as I knew she was DD and not DS I was fairly sure I want to stick at one. I had a horrible relationship with my sister growing up where she bullied me relentlessly and I felt I couldn’t risk history repeating itself.
I then had a difficult pregnancy and nearly died during birth. DH found parenting much harder than he anticipated and by the time both of us had recovered mentally and physically DD was about 4 and we’d settled into our routine as a 3.
We’ve periodically checked in with each other that we were still happy with our choice, if either of us had been desperate for a 2nd we would have gone for it.
I don’t think anyone has asked for a while, definitely not since I turned 40. The questions dropped off significantly after DD turned 5.

People were asking me and telling me outright to have more because my first was angelically beautiful, still is. I tried with 0 condomes, pills or etc from the age of 40 onwards and never conceived.

I think a couple of near- strangers asked me when ds was about 5 or so, but nobody I care about has ever asked me. Tbh I don’t mind talking about it. But I was fairly open about how ill my Dh was, at least to my closest friends, so they probably saw that we were hanging on by a thread as it was.

There will always be an element of regret for me but I don’t think anyone gets to live their life with no regrets at all. I believe I would have regretted having a second even more.

I don’t think I’ve ever been asked if we will be having another child. Maybe it’s because we are very open about the fact that we only ever planned to have one

I got sick of people asking me when I was having more children. Having one was more than I thought was possible due to endometriosis and nearing 30 (31 years ago), information was limited about the condition back then. I never got pregnant again and I didn’t stress myself out about it as one was a bonus. Whenever some cheeky shit asked me about having more I’d tell them I wasn’t able to have any more due to complications. That certainly shut them up, they never knew what to say.

My poor 30 year old daughter has been affected by endometriosis, really bad and born with half a uterus. She had a hysterectomy at 27, no children, she had no life due to constant periods and bleeding, poor kid. She had several miscarriages, one during lockdown, that was awful. She now has 3 dogs, they’re her babies, she adores them.

I have literally never once been asked. I must have one of those faces that makes you not want to chat to me

Always wanted two or three, but after nearly dying in childbirth and terrible sleep for years after he was born, we decided not to go through it again. No regrets!

It did use to smart when people pushed, asking us when we would have a second, as we were traumatised by the birth. People have some weird views on it though and like to intrude. I was once called selfish by a colleague for stopping at one child. Everyone stopped completely when he was four.

He's nearly ten now and great fun, I'm so glad we didn't fall to outside pressure. Easier with cost of living too now. We can travel and didn't need a bigger place. He has loads of mates so never a dull moment.

DD was about 10 when people finally stopped asking. I still get the odd ‘only one?’ weird head tilt from new people.
We only ever wanted one child, preferably a girl and luckily that’s what I got. DD has never wanted a sibling and I wouldn’t have had another even if she had. I love having just one, it gives you the experience of parenting with a lot more freedom, less finance stress and drudgery than multiple children.

I always thought I would have 3 or 4 children. However my pregnancy was ghastly, I bled throughout and was hospitalised several times, on bed rest, etc etc, the 9 months was miserable.
I was adamant I would not be doing it again! I have never regretted that decision. He turns 41 in the New Year and we have always been extremely close. I always shut down any questions about any more children as it’s such a personal thing, I found the questions really intrusive!

I'm 34 and DD is 9 next month I still get asked but DD is passed "wanting a baby sibling" I think she would be at a age where a baby would irritate her more than ever especially as I'm single af and I'd want to be in a relationship for at least 3 years before having another - and that would be quite a gap. So yep, one and done forever

This sounds a bit like us. DH has some health issues which make it difficult enough with one child.

Before life happened, I always saw myself having two, but it just hasn't gone that way. I think going back to the newborn stage with another child would tip us over the edge in terms of the required energy and finances.

Like you, there's an element of regret/ grief, and I get the pangs when I see a newborn - but I know that this is the right decision for our lives in the real world.
(I also know people with 3+ children who still get those pangs so I don't think they stop anyway!)

And actually, there are some lovely things about having one child - don't have to deal with any bickering, they get more time and money spent on them, opportunities we couldn't provide if we had another, and we have a great social life so he won't be wanting for company.

Tbh I don't get too many people asking me about it and if they do I usually just say "we'll see" and change the subject. I have however been clear with my parents that there won't be any more, just to put it to bed for them as well. They're very happy with their only grandchild! 🙂

Yes, it was only ever virtual strangers who asked me, when we were living in a particularly insular, conformist place, where everyone had two, grey interior paint and a Quooker tap, and were puzzled that we didn’t. I thought they were complete twonks so I just said random stuff like ‘I forgot’.

Literally no one has ever asked us if we are having a second. One (or none) is the norm among most of our peers.

This is a really interesting and pertinent topic to me because I’ve just started a thread elsewhere about my two and the constant arguing and bickering. So sorry to crash in.

Something I feel really guilty about but do sometimes (more often than I’d like to admit) feel is that I think on balance if I had my time over I’d have just had one child.

My problem is that I don’t really get much enjoyment from them as individuals because I’m constantly managing and firefighting the relationship. And it really isn’t anything out of the ordinary. All totally normal stuff, laughing and playing one moment, arguing and someone crying the next. But it has really affected me and meant I’m on tenterhooks. I can’t just relax because I’m waiting for a shriek or a cry.

When I’m out and about with them I am constantly looking from one to the other to the other … I can’t just focus on one and what they are telling me. We went shoe shopping last week, they were nice and well behaved enough but ds was trying to tell me something and I couldn’t pay proper attention as I had to make sure dd was keeping up.

I find them both much more difficult when together, not just because obviously there are two children not one but the way they behave together tends to be quite different to how they are apart; for ds this looks angrier, quicker temper, more frustrated and sillier, much sillier. Dd is also much sillier and also much more prone to wailing and crying over not very much. The difference to when they are alone is really marked.

I know some people will say that the answer is to have lots of one to one time with each and I do honestly try but we have to all be together sometimes so I don’t really know what the answer is. I do often thing modern parenting as it is just isn’t really set up for parents of more than one child, or at least for parents with two or more children with a small age gap. I find even doing things like crafts impossible with them both as there’s snatching and one ruining the others and wanting the colour the other has and the mess they make is indescribable, it really is!

I don’t want this to sound all negative and there are some sweet moments but the real joy is when I’m with them as individuals. Of course, one of them not existing now is also unthinkable. I was an old mum so maybe in a different universe they’d both still exist but ten years apart rather than two and a half!

So I am really sorry if that wasn’t relevant because it is annoying when people wade in on threads that have nothing to do with them. I will add though I did the NCT course with my six year old and out of our group of eight only me and one other lady have had another, six have stayed one and done. And their lives are much calmer than mine!

I re-married when my one-and-done DS was 24 and I was 49. My (very lovely) new FIL said something about more grandchildren. I just laughed…

So possibly never, OP.

An excellent question OP!

For me- I was 41 when I had my 1st and only. Started trying at 35, couple of miscarriages, it took a while to have my baby.

If I'd have wanted a 2nd, I would have needed to be on it very quickly! But I was blindsided by PND.

At the time I said "If I were 10 years younger & 10 times wealthier- I still wouldn't have had a 2nd child".

The author Alice Walker, best known for "The Colour Purple" wrote in another of her books (I cannot remember which one) something like this: "Having a baby is like going to college. Great experience, glad I've done it, wouldn't change it but you don't go back and do it again".

Before having a baby I always pictured myself having 2. But after a difficult birth, crippling PND and then Covid time had passed and my only was then 4. We’d settled into a routine. Things had started to get easier. I couldn’t see myself going back to sleepless nights and nappies. So we decided we were 1 and done. I do still get occasionally broody. And I do get asked alot about why I only have 1. But I wouldn’t change it now.