Sick of being asked "is he your first?"

[chelle85]

Apologies but I need a rant!

I have a 10wk old DS and anyone and everyone that speaks to me when am I out with him asks if he is my first as if there is automatically going to be a second.

I am an only child myself and have never planned more than one child but if I dare say to people he is "my only child" they immediately tell me I'll change my mind.

Seriously what is it with people making judgements about being an only child. What is so wrong with the concept?!

You're being silly

I think maybe when they ask, "Is he your first?" they actually want to know if he is your first rather than your third say.
Perhaps they are just making conversation, remembering the joys and hardships of their first newborn?

I'm not sure I'd be expecting anyone with a 10 week old to know now whether this baby was their last or first of seven.

Enjoy your bub.

No-one is judging you - they are just asking standard questions.

Don't be paranoid.

Seriously, they are desperately hoping he is your first. When people asked if my second was my first and I explained he was second they often looked vaguely disappointed and it was something of a conversation stopper

You are being very sensitive. The question obviously hits a nerve with you but best not to project that onto others!

They just mean "Are you excited about having a new baby (1st) or is this all totally passé for you (4th)?"

I hear what you’re saying OP, as in, they sound like they are assuming you will/can have more. It can be irritating, especially if it is followed up with a ‘you’re so lucky; it’s so much harder with more than one’.

However, it is also probably just ‘acquaintance’ talk and they genuinely mean nothing by it. Just say ‘yes’ and move the conversation in.

Ah, a misunderstanding. no, they aren't asking if you plan on having more, they are asking if you already have more. So, as you don't, the answer is 'yes, he is my first' you could always add 'and only' for a laugh

I don’t think anyone is thinking when will you have more at that age, just wondering if you’ve done it all before. A first baby is extra exciting for many, not because there will be others but because there haven’t been

It's small talk.
There's a lot of small talk when people see a new baby.
I've got an only child who is 13 and yes I did get "you'll change your mind." from about 2- 7 years old . This was from a v small minority of people who basically gave up on me in the end.
At this stage just enjoy your new baby and say "yes , his my first."
Congratulations!!

You're being ridiculous. They're not asking if you're having more, they're asking if you already have more. You're the only one making judgements here.

Our second child was 1 week old.

Relations came round.

'Are you a having a third???'

Don’t be so precious. People are just making polite conversation

I don't think it's meant the way you think its meant. When I end up chatting with a new mum, I ask that question to see if she has others. Then say if she's talking about sleepless nights, I can say 'oh it will pass, but then come the toddler tantrums' or something trite. I wouldn't say that to someone who had a toddler or would say something different. The question has zero bearing on your desire for, or plan to procreate further.

I agree with PPs - it's just something people ask to make conversation and be nice (and a first child is particularly exciting). In the kindest way, I need to tell you not to over-analyse and stress about what is essentially small talk, or you are going to spend the next 18 (or more!) years being offended.

They are just establishing if it is your first baby. That doesn’t mean they assume you will have more, just whether you’ve had one before.

They are trying to be friendly and make conversation.

And at 10 weeks no one expects you to be procreating. So if people say, 'you'll change your mind', just nod and grin. I am genuinely not sure why you are so sensitive about this, at this point. If you had a 6 year old and people kept asking you about your next baby, I would get that. I assume though that you are post partum, tired and hormonal. But genuinely, people are making small talk and they are not invested in the decisions you make.

Huh?!

No they aren't assuming anything! But it makes a bug difference whether it's your first (utterly life changing) or subsequent (exhausting, magical but familiar) child.

From your OP i sounds like you are the one bothered by the fact that this might be your only child. And maybe projecting this into everything you hear?

There just making conversation. There is only so much you can ask a stranger about their children.
"Oh how old are they?"
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"AHH is she your first?"
"Did you have them at so and so hospital?"
"How is it all going?""
"How are you feeling?"
Those are your questions, they get boring but there isn't much else to say! Just go with it and say "yes she is our first" then say " do you have children?" Divert the conversation if it makes you feel uneasy to talk about it. However it really is small talk.

You’re being very strange about this. Ds is an only but when he was born I thought of him more as “My first” than my last.
It’s far more relevant to ask if yog already have older siblings than if you plan to have more in future. Because as you’ve already noted many people change their mind or circumstances change.
Ds at birth was about 75% likely to be an only. He’s now 99% likely in that we won’t try for another but I probably couldn’t terminate an accidental pregnancy at this stage. In another five years that will change.

Just ignore it OP. I have had loads of “when’s the next one?” “Are you done at one?” “Not tempted to have another?” comments.

I am brutally honest and very fortunate she isn’t an only through fertility issues.

People are unnaturally obsessed with small talk over numbers of offspring in other people’s families. Boils my piss.

Wow talk about looking for something to get offended about

A baby can be both a ‘first’ and an ‘only’, it’s not one or the other. I think you are being a bit silly, but having had a 10 week old baby (twice) I think you can have a pass.

Ummmm I don't think anyone is assuming you're going to have a second; they are just trying to ascertain if you already have kids or if this teeny-weeny newborn is your first which is generally a little bit more exciting to strangers than second and subsequent-been-there-done-that-babies.

You seem sensitive about planning an only but no one is asking that question in the way you are perceiving it!

This just makes me remember a friend who struggled with this question. Her baby wasn’t her first because her first had died when he was a few days old.

I moan about a lot of petty things but I think you are working quite hard to get upset about this.