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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

How many of you stopped at 1 because you WANTED to?

48 replies

Millie3030 · 15/03/2015 16:34

All my friends either have 2 already or have announced in the last couple of months they are going to start trying for baby number 2 shortly. Even some of my friends that were firmly in the 'definitely only one LO category'.

I know it shouldn't matter what everyone else is doing, I'm an adult and it's up to me and DH but I certainly feel like the odd one out. Other than the lovely people in this group that stopped at one because you wanted to, i seem to be the minority. But when I read about only child families being on the increase I think where?! Where are these mums that I can talk to and share my feelings with? I know no one happy with just one. I have a group of about 8 friends all with or working on number 2, and 4/5 ladies at toddler group I speak to that have 2, if I add my colleagues to the mix there is only one lady that is stopping at one, and that's because she says she is 39 and feels she is a bit old. Which implies if she was 35 she might have another.

Do you all know other families stopping at just one because they WANT to, or are we rare? Feel like I am definitely missing this 'i want another' feeling.

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SoHHKB · 15/03/2015 16:37

I was happy with one and never intended to go around again
ds had other ideas and clearly needed to be here

Fab41 · 15/03/2015 16:38

Happily stopped at one, ds is now 11, so no going back now. We can indulge him in ways we couldn't if we had more than one, we travel a lot which is much easier and more affordable with one.
I do have moments when I think two would have been good, but overall I am happy with our decision.

lunar1 · 15/03/2015 16:49

Lots of my friends stopped at one through choice. In my group of friends their are seven of us, not me and one other have two.

EmEyeFaive · 15/03/2015 16:50

Us.

The pregnancy was rough. The birth a nightmare. He didn't sleep through the night til he was 6. That's years, not months. I don't think I had so much worse overall than an awful lot of people. Reproduction can be hard going and babies/toddlers are an awful lot of work for most people. But I couldn't face it again sans blissful ignorance.

And that was aside from all the practical reasons that favoured stopping at one.

I'm really really glad we stopped at one. He's 14 now, and I'm 47 so the egg shop is shut. No regrets at all. But I think what helps to some extent is that only children are very common where we live, so there isn't the same pressure from being slightly out of step with the norm.

LizLemon · 15/03/2015 16:53

Yes, we stopped at one, completely through choice. It had something to do with age, and finances, but mostly not feeling like I wanted another one. I desperately wanted DS and just didn't feel that pull again, not even a little bit. It seemed like a big thing to do just because everyone else was doing it, rather than because we wanted to. So we just didn't.

Sometimes I definitely feel like the freak odd one out but our family feels right the way it is. He's 5 now, and in school with a couple of other only children, though they're not by choice. And yes, sometimes I question the decision, but that's normal I think, just because you're going against the perceived norm of what makes a 'proper family', and now I know women who are on their 3rd or 4th, or doing IVF, so I often wonder if I'm just defective

purplecloud123 · 15/03/2015 16:56

We'll be stopping at one. I had an awful pregnancy and really horrible birth. My DS was ill for a while afterwards and spent a lot of time in hospital. He was also quite a difficult baby anyway. I don't understand why anyone would want to do it again.

GwenStacy · 15/03/2015 17:01

We're stopping at one. I can't face labour again and beyond that - in don't want to do it all again. She's 16mo and we have a great time - I can't imagine being pregnant and having to look after her, I feel she'd suffer.

My god though, the assumption I'll change my mind really pisses me off. "Oh, you'll change your mind!"

Almost as much as people saying we're selfish for "not giving her a sibling"

YoniMitchell · 15/03/2015 17:07

raises hand

We're stopping at one. Granted DS came around after IVF but we could go for more and have another... If we wanted to. I had a great pregnancy, shit birth experience, but I'm over that justWe just don't want another, our family is complete. It's as simple as that.

YoniMitchell · 15/03/2015 17:09

I hear you Gwen on the patronising comments about having another, as though others know your feelings better than you.

I've not had the 'selfish' comments though (yet)!

applecharlotte · 15/03/2015 17:13

We've stopped at one. Like another post thread I was incredibly broody for DS now 4yo but haven't felt an ounce of broodiness since.

DS is incredibly active, I had pnd for the first 2 years and he still doesn't sleep through the night which could have something to do with it! He is bloody great now he's more independent and such a fun little boy.

As an introvert I know I would struggle with the noise and bustle of a bigger family. There are all the practical reasons as well, small flat, cost of a second, being older and not fancying putting my body though childbirth and pregnancy again etc.

His two best friends at preschool are also only boys, it doesn't seem unusual here (london).

I know our reasons are selfish for not giving DS a sibling but I know giving him a sibling would also mean giving him a mum that wouldn't cope and I worry about the impact that would have on him.

I make sure he socialises a lot with other children and so far he hasn't mentioned wanting a sibling, though I know my heart would break a bit of he did say something.

applecharlotte · 15/03/2015 17:16

Oh and yes I feel the same that our family feels complete. I've heard other women say there's a hole which needs another child in theirs etc. I've never had that. I love being three.

GwenStacy · 15/03/2015 17:20

Someone asked me if I'd considered what a burden I was placing on my daughter by not giving get a sibling to share the responsibility of looking after us when we're older. I pointed out if I had two children one could die and the burden would still be there. I got told that wouldn't happen.

CharlesRyder · 15/03/2015 17:26

We have one entirely by choice. Very happy with the decision. Whenever I see families with more I always think 'why have you done that to yourself??'. Life with one is so serene.

I don't buy into the needing the sibling to be a best friend for life. I have two siblings, DH has 4, none of them are our best, or even particularly close, friends.

ConstanceMoan · 15/03/2015 17:35

We have one by choice - she's 11 now and we've never regretted our decision

I think a lot more people would stop at one if they didn't feel pressured to conform and give their child a sibling.

Just tell people to mind their own business if they start interrogating you

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 15/03/2015 18:00

Gwen my brother died at 27, I will have the 'burden' of looking after my parents. So it can and does happen. People don't think before they speak!

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/03/2015 18:10

I'm determined to stop at one. Love dd, love being her mother, but just feel no desire for another child at all. Luckily dh agrees. We feel that, in terms of time, money etc, we can devote our resources entirely to dd, which works best for us as a family (I know this is not the same for all families). It also means we still have time and energy to invest in our relationship with each other (again,I know many couples can do this successfully with more than one dc, but just don't think it would work for us). She seems very happy so far (to be fair, she's only 3).
In fact, we were at her friend's party yesterday, and I was talking to all of the dc around the table about whether they had siblings (it just came up in conversation, because of a new baby). They all did, whether older or younger. They all loved their siblings. Dd was interested in the siblings, but expressed not the slightest desire to have one herself. Indeed, she is always adamant she doesn't want one (when people who are trying to encourage us to have another dc ask her, which they shouldn't!). I know it could change when she's older, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!

Lonz · 15/03/2015 23:46

Wow. A positive thread about having one child!

I have stopped at one because I didn't have the best experience in hospital. I made complaints etc. But I still get TOLD that I WILL want another someday, or it WILL happen by accident! I just don't feel the urge, desire or need for a second. It took me years to get over it all.

I'm content with my son. It's just me and him watching kid's films or having silly conversations and playing with his toys. I like it. I don't see anything cruel or nasty about having the one child. I have heard it though!

I'm one of 5, so having brothers and sisters is natural to me. People say having one child is robbing them of having "playmates", oh and someone to punch you or nick your toys!! I depended on my brother and wouldn't do anything without him. I don't want my son to be dependant, I want him to be able to do things alone and have the confidence like I didn't as a kid.

Besides, if you never have a second, or third etc. your kid will not know any different. They will not be lonely because they have no siblings. People with 6 siblings can be lonely too. It means nothing.
I am actually sick of the stigma about "only children" (< I also hate that- only child sounds so negative!)

"They're spoilt, rude and expect everything!" - Well, if you actually make the effort to teach your child how to reach when they get told no, and not just give in every time they stamp their feet, I'm sure they will turn out as well mannered and polite as the next child. You may have the money to spoil them, but if you want to produce a decent human being, you wont (always, ha!) but on the other hand, if you do have the money to spoil them, why should your kid miss out because society thinks you should limit yourself like you have 4 kids instead of just one?

Anyway. Rant.

OhIDoLikeToBeBeside · 15/03/2015 23:51

We are very happily stopping at one. DS does desperately want a sibling though. An older sibling. Or a twin.

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/03/2015 23:55

I did.
I wanted to be a Mum and when I was that was enough, I was 23 when I had her so age not an issue, she's 13 now, I was sterilised 7 years ago after an unplanned pg made me realise that I really really didn't want more.

Original poster

Millie3030 · 16/03/2015 21:50

I think I need to return to the 'one child families' topic on mumsnet more, as it's lovely to see we are all the similar in opinion on this subject. It doesn't get as much traffic as other topics showing even more we are the minority, but I think it's great we have a lot in common.

I wish I knew you in real life! To discuss issues with ideas/ behaviour/ development instead I get, "Well that will all change when you have another" "he won't learn to share until he has a sibling", "Are you going to have an only child, aren't you worry you spoil him?"

OP posts:

ConstanceMoan · 16/03/2015 22:06

Millie - here's a nice thread discussing the great things about having one child

It was started nearly 10 years ago and people have added to it over the years

Lonz · 16/03/2015 22:07

^ It is nice, isn't it? Usually mummy things are parents with more than one child.
"He wont learn to share." I get that. He has enough cousins, he can share with them. But he shares with me anyway, because I make him, ha! (not being funny though, my son shares more than what his cousins do >.>)

People don't understand that it's not about how many kids there are but how you parent them is how they will turn out. People need to read the section on stopping at one child in the book 'Shitty Mummy'...it's great!

Gingerandcocoa · 16/03/2015 22:17

In my language only child actually translates as "unique child" which I think is much nicer

(Just thought you'd like to know - personally I've got one but am already broody for a 2nd... I think I've got poor memory and have already forgotten the horrors of childbirth and sleep deprivation)

Original poster

Millie3030 · 16/03/2015 22:18

constance I love that thread I have read it soooo many times. When I feel the pressure from others I read through it and think 'yes I agree with all of these mums, this is how I feel, I'm not strange!'

Lonz yes the mummy parenting issues seem to be geared toward my two DC are doing this, or how can I stop DS hitting DD, and things like that. Would be lovely to see more things specifically for 1 child families. I am going to look up that book now.

Are there any other books great for one child families?

OP posts:

GwenStacy · 16/03/2015 22:28

All the "you're depriving them of a sibling" - my sister and I are so different from each other and fought like crazy. We're reasonably close now, but we're 32 and 26 - it's taken a long time to get to this point! Being siblings does not mean you'll be best friends…

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