How many of you stopped at 1 because you WANTED to?

[Millie3030]

All my friends either have 2 already or have announced in the last couple of months they are going to start trying for baby number 2 shortly. Even some of my friends that were firmly in the 'definitely only one LO category'.

I know it shouldn't matter what everyone else is doing, I'm an adult and it's up to me and DH but I certainly feel like the odd one out. Other than the lovely people in this group that stopped at one because you wanted to, i seem to be the minority. But when I read about only child families being on the increase I think where?! Where are these mums that I can talk to and share my feelings with? I know no one happy with just one. I have a group of about 8 friends all with or working on number 2, and 4/5 ladies at toddler group I speak to that have 2, if I add my colleagues to the mix there is only one lady that is stopping at one, and that's because she says she is 39 and feels she is a bit old. Which implies if she was 35 she might have another.

Do you all know other families stopping at just one because they WANT to, or are we rare? Feel like I am definitely missing this 'i want another' feeling.

I stopped at one entirely out of choice. It was the best fit for our lifestyle and style of parenting - lots of 1:1 time, plenty of holidays, a quiet home, choice of location/home (live in central London in small flat), getting back to a social life. I was happy enough with my pregnancy and birth, it was incredibly straightforward, so that didn't come into it at all. And financially we could have managed with another dc or two (but didn't want to change to the suburban lifestyle it would have meant if we upsized our property).

I know a lot of other families with one dc as it's more of a common choice in inner London, where families live in flats and continue to access a lot of social activities, so they don't want to get drawn too much into a family life with ferrying around different dc and staying in most nights. My friends and I manage to maintain a good level of interesting hobbies, sports and social lives. The ones who have had more children (either planned or more often not) have ended up moving into the suburbs or out of London altogether, and although they insist they're only 40 mins away by train, you rarely see them come into the centre any more. I didn't want that lifestyle for us.

A quick search on Amazon came up with these

I don't know if they're any good or not but I'm too insufferably smug about my gorgeous DD to read them

You might want to skip the first one on that list as it seems to be a whinge fest about being an only child. I swear that one day I am going to write a memoir about the trauma of bring the 3rd of four siblings

^ That book is needed! I'm one of five. Still called the baby, ha!

I don't usually read parenting guides because I think they're mostly full of sh*t. But the only one I've read was a comical take on being a mum, laughing at the "joys" of parenthood. I'm going to look at that list and perhaps buy another one.
"Shtty Mum" the book is called, not Shitty Mummy, sorry.

I love how honest you all are about your reasons for wanting one, just like your post above secret. But I feel guilty when I say it to anyone other than my DH (which is ridiculous).

It's my body so I should be able to say if I want another person growing in it without the guilt. Yes DS was breech, had a EMCS but that has nothing to do with my decision. I still like having my life made of many parts - Mum, wife and career woman. I love my job, and I love that I can still have a 'date night' with DH as babysitting one is possibly easier. I love that the house is calm, I like that when I'm knackered DH can take over and vice versa. With two I think I would struggle without the calmness.

And my sister and I were not close at all when we were younger, to be honest we avoided each other like the plague, so I, like many of you gwenstacy know siblings don't always mean good friends.

We stopped at 1 by choice. I did a Masters when DD was small (I started when she was 9mths) as part of my FT job.

We were happy as we were once I was finished, and we found that 1 DC was enough for us to manage and also manage the rest of our lives. We do love her dearly.

DH has a lot of international travel, and I have some at times, for work.

We also found that DD was a handful, which we put down to "all DCs are hard work, and we are just being PFB about it" - but by the time she was 4.5, crèche suggested getting her assessed for SNs and she was later DX'd as ADHD and Aspergers. So while she is high functioning, and attend MS school, she is hard work. But DH and I both also enjoy, and have pretty responsible, jobs too. And we live in a city a few hours from immediate family support so it's all down to just us 3.

So for us, taking everything into account, 1 is enough.

DD is now 9, we are starting to have a life again (we found 2 sisters who are great babysitters - just since November), and DD is getting on better too as she matures. But I think we made the right decision for our family.

She still gets plenty of socialization and learning to share etc with neighbours (1 is very similar age and they treat each other like sisters a lot - the playing, the sharing, the great times and the arguments too) and also with DCousins. She has almost never asked about having a sibling.

Me! Ok, I am single. But that's more because I don't want another child, rather than the other way around. I adore my dd. Love being a mother, and really enjoyed the experiences surrounding it from the scans, to feeding, first steps, messy fingerprint art, starting school, hobbies, holidays etc. Dd (11) is happy being an only, I have money & time to spend on her. I would feel stretched with any more, and that I cannot give her all she needs. I also love my work and having one makes it all fine to juggle. Not one single regret here! We are extremely happy

I used to sigh wistfully when I saw families with 2 or 3 siblings. But only lately I've noticed that the wistfulness cuts both ways.

Many friends/acquaintances have said, "Oh you have one DD. How lucky! You can spend whatever and however you want in terms of schooling, Uni or choice of house" Heard this a lot, always tinged with a bit of envy.

We have one child through choice and I know three other families who also have one child through choice (maybe more - it's not the sort of thing you can ask unless you know them well). In DS's class of 29 children five are only children, so although it's the minority it's not too uncommon. I feel a bit sorry for my friends struggling with babies and two or more children. I have a lovely easy life and have loads of fun with DS. I wouldn't change it.

So glad I found this thread. It has reassured me so much to hear other people who are happily stopping at one. I only came to the realisation the other day (after a particularly awful bank holiday weekend filled with illness and tantrums) that I really don't want or need to have another child. I love our little family of 3 and enjoy focusing my full attention on my son. I also have ambitions. I want to make him proud of his mum by pursuing my own business and being a happy rounded person with my own interests. I genuinely don't think those things would be possible for me having more children. I know other people do it all the time but I really don't think I could!

I would love to go through pregnancy again, even though it was an absolute pain in the arse with constant infections and aches etc., and go through contractions again (I thought they would be worse from what people were saying!) and the giving birth part again, the feeling of pushing another life out. But only if I didn't end up with the problems I had after having my son. It would possibly be worse!

A nice doctor put the nail in the coffin for me! I think it also made me stop in my tracks and actually re-consider whether I actually DID want anymore. I decided no. Now my mission is to try and convince others that I REALLY don't want another. I don't see it in my future. I think they'll get it when I'm in Ibiza sipping a cocktail in the sun and they're sitting on the stairs trying to stop a toddler from coming out of the bedroom! >.>

And I'd quite like to keep my body the way it is from now on. I finally have a positive body image for once in my life! I'd like to keep it intact.

Me too! I have a DS who is nearly 9 and I've never wanted another ( didn't get broody for DS but DH was really keen).

Reasons are that DH has a health issue and will not live to be an old man. I have to face the fact that at some point I'll be on my own, and I couldn't cope with two.

DH was also crap when DS was a baby and I'm not going to risk that happening again

And finally, I have a high pressure job which I didn't want to give up. Really don't think I could do it and have 3 kids.

My niece is also an only and there is another boy in DS class. But most kids are one of 3 or 4 as it's a catholic school

What a lovely thread! OP I'm in the same position as you - all my friends either have more than one, are pregnant with no2 or are completely childless. I'm really torn - DD is nearly 3, but I had a traumatic birth, undiagnosed pnd, severe sleep deprivation and didn't bond with her until she was over 1. On the one hand Id like to experience pregnancy again (especially as DD was prem so didn't get to experience the later stages of pregnancy or labour (I was induced and the EMCS), but then the thought of going through it all again post birth (& possible pnd again) just makes me think "no". I'm also terrified of not being able to cope with 2 and of dd suffering as a result. So, I'm not quite "there" with my decision, but it seems more and more unlikely that we will have anymore.

I was 36 when dd was born. She slept through from two weeks, happily sat in her rocker all day, didn't walk till fifteen months. An absolute dream baby. She's clever and funny and gorgeous and makes me and dh complete. Did have a bit of a wobble after my 42 and birthday but only because she asked for a brother or sister, not because we wanted another child.
She's enough ( take that how you want )

I was trying to clear out my phone yesterday and move old photos onto the laptop and the baby photos and videos of DS made me think blimey I reckon it would be easier for me mentally this time round, I would have more confidence, I wouldn't worry as much, I could do it again!! Then I thought hang on-slow down- yes I could do it, but it doesn't mean I want to.

Love my little guy and still love the 'me' time when my DH has him when he gets in or for a bit at the weekend. For example on a Saturday if DH says "I'm popping to the supermarket then going to get the car washed, I will take DS" it's great, because then I have an hour of peace at home to wash hair or Hoover, sort the washing, cook something a bit more fancy, read a book etc. I wouldn't get that if I had a newborn now with nappies to change, burping to do, naps to put down for.

DS gets a more chilled mummy that can't wait for her day off in the week to be with him and we can potter around in our pjs until 10am, eat breakfast in bed and he gets all of me, the best parts of me, because I'm now not knackered with a newborn. I love it at the moment.

Just wanted to give you all a different point of view:

Although I do not have children, I am an only child and an only grandchild: One of those ones who was not spoilt. I had all I could need.

Basic thing to remember is that you cannot miss something you never had. Remember that when others try to guilt trip you in to having a second. I remember looking at friends with siblings and how much they fought, thinking: I'm glad that's not me. I found it bizarre that siblings could fight so much. It really isn't all it's cracked up to be, clearly.

As long as you are happy with one child, that is fine. You will be a better parent for being happy with what is your decision.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, but even now I get asked if I was lonely as a child, or if I felt like I'd missed out , so thought I could just tell you all that you are perfectly reasonable to have only one child and that never need to feel guilty for that. This also goes for those of you who are unable to have more than one child.

I have a 9 month old DS and I so firmly feel that I don't want another baby. He's utterly perfect, I loved the newborn stage and I'm excited by the thins we'll get to do together as he grows up, but I don't want to bring another child into the mix. I wanted him terribly badly, but I didn't think 'I'm starting my family', I thought 'I'm having my baby'. Birth was fine, had intervention at the end but I forgot it all as soon as he came out so its not that. I was very sick during pregnancy though, so would be terrified to have to look after him if it happened again. I feel I can be a great mother to him, but I worry I could be an impatient and shouty mother to two children, and I'd hate that to happen. One can be done on sleep deprivation, two... I'd struggle. He's just so precious but I would never get that exact newborn experience back with two children to deal with. And if he hated the new child... Poor baby and poor DS. I am so happy I can't see me wanting to take a step ito the unknown and potentially screw up our life! I know I'd love a new baby, but I don't want to have one just because I feel it's the norm and I'll just get through it. I want to desperately want the baby.

Thank you so much acatcalledjohn nearly brought a tear to my eye that! From the first few words I thought oh no someone who will tell us how selfish we are, then when I continued reading I thought yes!! Thank you for giving the other side of the spectrum as it is so usually underrepresented.

Siblings can mean company for a child, but siblings can also mean fighting, competition, feeling you have to live up to the older one and be as good in school/exams, sharing your parents attention when sometimes you need a bit of one to one, hand me downs, there are many more things about having siblings that aren't all rosy as people can make out.

I would of done if I wasn't given twins.

The pregnancy was awful, the first year was hell. Never ever would of done that again. And they fight like cat and dog.

I did. I get the 'oh, you should have another, they'll be lonely/having to look after you when you get old etc' from so many people. They are generally well meaning but tossers. I have too much to deal with (for me) such as help my aged and ill parents and work plus look after DD and I don't think I'd be able to cope with another child thrown into the mix.

I know so many friends or colleagues who are 1 of 2 or 3 and they have never got on with their siblings or one has been left to do the burden of care for elderly parents as the others live too far away or can't be arsed. My brother died as a child so I am the defacto helper for my parents. It was actually easier doing PoA as an only child as I did not have to consult siblings over small decisions such as paying bills etc.

We have decided to just have one because:

• I had hyperemesis in pregnancy, being sick up to 15 times a day for over 18 weeks and hospitalised etc.

• Labour was great, no birth trauma or injury and she was a perfectly laid back angel baby too so I'm terrified my luck would be the opposite second time around.

• I'm tired enough with the one!

• We're both self-employed and run our business from home so maternity leave and screaming babies will be a problem!

• We love the family dynamic with just us three and can afford to do more than if we had another.

• My sister bullied me relentlessly and it has had long-term effects. I'd hate for my children to not get on.

• DD was jealous of the bloody cat, let alone a sibling, and has quite clearly stated that "babies are for other mummies and daddies, not you."

acatcalledjohn Thank you! Please repeat this to everyone in my life! It's so nice to hear the other side of the story and know what people say about having one child isn't necessarily going to be true. I assume that we have all fretted over that before?

I've only ever seen people in my family with lots of kids themselves. Going back 3 generations there's a line of 4 "5 kid families". I just know that I wouldn't be able to deal with that. No, thanks. But back in the day it was normal and common. They didn't think outside the box, it was 'get married and have as many kids as you can, no hesitation'. I'm the only one in my family that has one child of those whom has had any at all. So I get a heavily bias reaction.

Millie and Lonz, you are very welcome! I'm glad it helps