Is self-regulation a realistic expectation for a 13-month-old at nursery?

[Anothertiredteacher]

My 13 month old started nursery four weeks ago.

It’s a term-time only nursery so he wasn’t able to have any formal settling in sessions. Instead, he started with an hour for the first week, and the idea was he’d gradually increase as he’s ready.

He breezed through the first week so we increased it to two hours the next week but we’re still stuck at this. He’s been sad going in but seems okay when we arrive to pick him up - playing either by himself or with one of the staff.

The staff want him to be able to self regulate before they up him to three hours, but I feel like self regulation isn’t developmentally normal for a one year old!!!

He’s the youngest child there and I feel like their expectations are more appropriate for the older children, but I’m a first time mum, he was premature and I’m worried I’m being precious and over protective.

Is self regulation normal??

What do they even mean?

Self regulation develops through childhood.

They need to be more specific

Bizarre.

What does that mean? Is your child hysterical or expected never to cry...?

This reminds me of when my childminder told me she expected my 18m to wash his hands and rinse hand soap fully "without supervision" at 18m old in response to me asking to make sure hand soap was fully rinsed as hes prone to eczema. Apparently he shouldn't need support. 🫠

What do they mean by this? Surely you asked

You need more specifics, do they mean he is often inconsolable during the two hours and they want him to be able to manage 2 hours before moving to 3?

Surely you've asked what they mean by self regulate? If he's inconsolable for most of the two hours then upping it seems unrealistic at present but equally if he's at nursery surely it's because you need to work? I also find it unusual that he's the youngest, is there no other children of a similar age to him?

You’d think wouldn’t you

but @Anothertiredteacher left us hanging!

What’s the actual issue they’re having? Like what behaviour is it that needs to be resolved before he can increase his time there? Is he upset the whole time? You say he breezed through but from their perspective that doesn’t seem to be true if they are saying he can only be in there for two hours.

Thanks for the responses.

We have indeed asked! They said he’s cross, rather than upset up until they tend to go outside. He needs adult support to calm down and is also refusing to eat anything.

It’s a small nursery - only 12 children, hence him being the youngest

Also I’ve never heard of a term-time only nursery that accepts children that young. It sounds more like a preschool than a private nursery? Is that why all the children are older? As our nursery has a full baby room of under 2s and many start at 9 months to a year.

Ah cross-posted. It sounds like they maybe don’t have the staffing to handle it as it sounds like pretty normal baby behaviour. The one hour and then two hours etc just wouldn’t be feasible for most parents who are putting their child in so they can return to work. Both my kids started full days after a couple of settling-in sessions.

I used to work in childcare and expecting that from a child so young is absolutely crazy. So much so that I think you should look for a new setting actually. They can't know anything about babies/young children if they actually expect this. His behaviour is entirely in the realms of normal.

Self regulation is a funny thing to say when talking about a baby. It’s something you’d say about a preschooler or reception age child no? Like can they control their impulses, calm down when cross, make good choices etc. How old is the next youngest child?

If he’s refusing to eat then obviously he can’t stay a full day there but if he’s only done 2 hours and has eaten right before drop off then it’s perfectly possible he just isn’t hungry?!

The whole thing sounds odd.

Gosh only 12 children total is tiny! How on earth are they financially viable? I'd wonder how his needs such as age appropriate activities and naps are being met in an environment with much older children?

They aren’t doing this to spite you

They think that it would be better for your child to wait for a little bit (after all he is the youngest) before adding the extra hour

You either trust them professionally or you don’t

if the latter…. Why are you sending him there in the first place?

He is the youngest…. Significantly?

I wouldn't trust any childcare setting that thought 'self regulation' was desirable or achievable at 13 months to be honest. If they can't meet his entirely normal and age appropriate needs for longer than an hour then they should say that.

that sounds well within the range of normal to begin with.

not sure what settling in sessions you expected but what youve done is more than we had - we had 1 hour accompanied, then 1 hour unaccompanied, then a half day including lunch, then full days

"Self regulation" sounds like a euphemism here. Are they using it to mean they want him to be able to calm down inside by himself without any support from staff? Because no, that's not reasonable. My DD is a similar age and if she's mad she's mad (or upset) and you need to intervene to move her away from the issue and distract her.

When she started nursery there was a similar odd use of language. The staff said they were putting her in a chair with a tray for meals, rather than at the little table with chairs like most of the other children. When I asked why, they kept saying they wanted her to be more "stable" in her sitting. Given that she had been walking independently for over a month at that point and could definitely sit, I probed a bit more. It turns out that what they meant by "stable" was they wanted her to stay in her seat and not try to get up during the meal.

Thanks for the comments. I’m not questioning their interpretation of the situation, rather whether it’s realistic or not.

i’ll have a conversation with his key worker tomorrow to understand their expectations and make a decision on whether we think that’s realistic or not for him.

Thanks everyone!

I agree with everyone else.
'Self regulation' is not specific enough, and the examples they have given you are absolutely normal for a child at this stage.

If he is only there two hours, and presumably arrives either after breakfast or after lunch, then he probably isn't ready to eat.

What other options do you have @Anothertiredteacher ? As I'd be quite worried about a Nursery that considers this to be an issue at all.

The nursery has made the decision. He needs a little more time before extending hours.

So what is your decision about?

By how much is he the youngest?

13 month olds don't self-regulate if by that they mean just calm down by themselves without adult comfort. And can they tell the difference between cross and upset in a 1 year old? Honestly, they sound ridiculous and I wouldn't be leaving my baby there any more!

They just don't want to increase his hours until he is coping with the shorter session.

I mean, my 1yo cries of she is upset but screams and tries to bite her brother if he annoys her, so I think some kids do show a difference at that age!

I don't think the brother in question did though - I think at that age he just got upset/overwhelmed when things weren't right, without the distinction in behaviour/emotion.