Concerned my daughter says a nursery staff member has hurt her

[Kardelen]

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice.
my daughter has been attending the same nursery for about 1.5 years. She was happily going until a new member of staff joined the team ( it’s been a good few months now).
she is now 3.5 years old. But she hates going nursery. Before the summer break she was telling me how that staff member hit her ‘very hard’ and demonstrating it and didn’t want to go in, and kept saying she’s scared. But I thought maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to go in.

affer the summer break I’m even more concerned as she is more verbal about it, and she says she hates school, and randomly demonstrates saying miss b did this, showing me how the staff member squeezed her leg. She also keeps saying ‘she slapped very hard on my arm’. She also said how the staff member apologised for doing it.

I haven’t sent her back since then as she does not want to go in, and so I don’t feel comfortable sending her. Last few times at the door she seemed scared, and kept saying she’s scared.

it doesn’t help that her friends also left the nursery this year.
i will be speaking to the manager but I don’t want to accuse anyone, and so I’m really overwhelmed.

has anyone experienced this? Did anyone take it to the manager? Or that their child made up stories?

Please report it. Children need us to speak up for them.

Id talk to the nursery in the first instance.

The most likely scenario was an accidental knock, but in your DDs mind this is a very real issue so it needs addressing and gou both need reassurance.

You need to report to the manager and ask what they intend to do. The right answer is report to LADO and Ofsted. Anything else, you do this. Google LADO with your local authority name for details how.

I would definitely report it. Repeated disclosures with different types of contact is a real red flag. While kids sometimes do get stuck on a certain thing happening (DD2 told me that DH kicked her because he’d tripped and caught her with his foot while she was lying on the ground. I had been there and seen it happen!), there are several different events now and she’s persisting with it, along with her dislike of nursery. It needs to be reported as a safeguarding concern and for it to go through the appropriate channels.

Please do not send her back there.

Report it immediately. Its not a one off and she is scared tells you all you need.

I have a meeting with the manager tomorrow. But I honestly was doubting myself incase I am doing the wrong thing. As few others told me how kids make up stories. I had even spoken to another member of staff that I knew for a long time, and she basically told me how the staff my daughter is complaining about is so gentle and so nice.

my daughter sometimes also says she had so much fun at school, so that’s why I was confused. As she leaves happy ( usually). But I still remember the day I collected her and she was so upset and said how miss… b had hit her arm ( demonstrated to me how). And ever since that day she doesn’t want to go back ( even though a whole summer break has passed by).

I don’t know if she’s repeating the same story about hitting, but the leg squeezing has been added too.

I definitely won’t be sending her there anymore- or at least until things get resolved.
Unfortunately there is also no cctv cameras, so I don’t know how this will be investigated

It's probably a misunderstanding. I can't even count the times my kids have done this. One of mine claimed her aunt got road ragey and punched her in the face. What actually happened was she said 'twat' when someone pulled out on her, then couldn't find the parking machine and was complaining. She then spotted it, called out to her husband while turning to point to it and accidentally donked dd in the face.

Other dc told nursery member that I tied him up with duct tape. Technically that was true. I put a piece of tape over the button on the car seat straps. The button kept falling out, meaning you couldn't undo them until you pushed it back in. So I taped it in place until we could get a new seat, much to ds amusement.

See, this is why I’m getting so confused! :(

After seeing all those reports of staff at nurseries abusing children (one even leading to the death of a poor baby) I would NOT be dropping this.

If I'm honest I'd probably just change nurseries as I'd never have peace of mind. Having your little one get upset and be dreading going in would be enough for me to change. At that age they have no control over their lives. Spending 8 hours a day somewhere you don't wanna be and with someone your scared of sounds like hell.

On the days she comes out happy has that staff member been on?

If her friends have left, she might aswel switch up nurseries.

I’d start with the meeting. You need to be able to advocate for her if something is going on, but certainly I’ve had my DD tell me I’ve hurt her, hit her etc when I’ve accidentally knocked her and she would always tell me it’s “by purpose” 😂 the only way to get to the bottom of it is by speaking to the nursery staff. Have you ever addressed it face to face before?

I would say believe your daughter first!
particularly as she now seems scared.
and I wouldn’t take the nursery managers word for it either until proven otherwise. do they have cctv? Speak with the manager but also report to lady and ofstead. Good luck!

You won't be accusing anyone, you'll be factually stating what your daughter has said. Please do tell the manager.

It could be that the staff member accidentally caught your daughters arm when gesturing (I once heard a child say his mum punched him when that happened!). It could be that holding her leg was an attempt to catch her playing some sort of "cross the water" type game.
But it's also possible this staff member is physically abusing children.

edit to add- you need to speak to the manager so that you either have your mind put at rest, or the staff member is investigated. There is no scenario where raising it is the wrong thing to do.

They should have cctv surely? You’re doing the right thing by reporting it. If she is hitting children then she could be doing it too there’s or her own children. If she isn’t then she’s got nothing to worry about. Don’t second guess yourself.

Always believe your child and your instincts. This would make me very uncomfortable and I wouldn’t risk sending my child again. Especially so given your child is telling you about 2 incidents.

I would feel uncomfortable sending my little one to a nursery without cctv anyway.

Do you think I should say to the manager how it may have been done accidentally etc? Or shall I just state what she is saying without saying this

Yes tbh even if it’s investigated I don’t know if I can send her in, as I am worried she may actually harm if she knows I raised the concern.

I would tell the manager, but I wouldn't rely solely on the nursery to deal with the situation in house. Too many nurseries try to minimise incidents like this, they are businesses at the end of the day.

I would contact the council's safeguarding team and the police. If it is a misunderstanding (unlikely as its two incidents and she is scared of this staff member) nothing will come of it, but we must believe children when they disclose abuse.

I wouldn't send her in either OP. I would start looking for an alternative nursery or childminder.

I would believe my child in this instance. If a teacher is squeezing her leg so hard it hurts, then whether it was intended to hurt or not is a moot point. She shouldn’t be squeezing your child’s leg at all!
I dont know any child at that age that would lie for no reason, there’s no pay off for them

When we record a disclosure, we record what the child said. We don't speculate. It is up to the DSL (probably the manager) to look into it.
It is ok to say "I'm not jumping to any conclusions but I think it is important that you know that DC has said...(use the exact phrases she uses if possible)." If you give examples of how it could have happened accidentally, that's probably the explanation you'll end up with.

I'd read the safeguarding policy too, it'll be good to know what they say they will do in this sort of situation.

No, don't give them the opportunity to minimise.

My own DCs have elaborated on innocent incidents, they haven't been scared of the person after.

Firstly @Kardelen if a child's mother doesn't have their corner, nobody else will.

Secondly, if your dd is unhappy at the nursery, for whatever reason, you need to find an alternative.

Sometimes very yiung children can't properly articulate bad things. When ds was 4, he took against nursery and cried on the way. He was always coming home with bruised shins and used to tell me he did it playing on the climbing frame.

When he was about 7 he recollected how he hated free play at nursery because insert name used to make him stand against the climbing frame and kick him.

I didn't take ds's upset seriously and thiught he was making a fuss because he had a baby sister at home. I should have acted on the upset.

The teacher might not be hitting, but something is upsetting your dd and she's only 3.5 once. Let it be a happy time.

I think being scared even after the holidays would make me feel uncomfortable.
And I don’t like the squeezing thing? It doesn’t sit well with me.
Believe your dd .