How can I help my future bilingual three-year-old settle into nursery?

[Neclas]

Hi. I have a 3 year old who started nursery 2 weeks ago. its a Montessori nursery with total 20 kids at 3 or 4 age. First week I went outside for half an hour when he was playing with his teacher and he was ok with this. When I came back he usually wanted to stay more to play in the garden. On Day 6, teacher advised me to drop him at 9.30 and say a brief goodbye and then come back for collecting him at 12pm. I told him I will come back he said ok and waved his hand. After 45 min nursery staff called me and said it's better for me to come since he was very upset and they could not settle him. I could come back after 25 min. He was trying to solve a puzzle with his teacher but still crying. He was very stressed and thought I won't come back. He settled once he saw me at the door and smiled again. Anyway.. since then he doesn't want to go to the nursery and asks everyday whether we need to go to the nursery. I sit 90 mins on a chair in the nursery and he plays with a teacher and comes back to me each 5 mins for a hug. I don't work at the moment but we need him to learn speaking English. Also he is not very social with other kids. He plays always alone or just with the teacher there. I don't want to make him an unhappy child. The nursery pushes me to go outside and try a seperation again but I'm hesitant since he is continuously telling me to not leave him there alone again.. if you have any suggestions I would be very grateful to learn them. Thank you in advance.

I think you need to just leave him. What if you were working? You couldn’t go and get him. Being upset at being left is normal. He won’t get used to it if you get him every time

Has your child learned English at home before going to nursery?
If not it’s going to be a big shock to spend x hours a day with people you don’t understand.

Mine had OPOL (one person one language) from me and DH. A member of staff asked me if DC1 had hearing problems because they kept having to repeat instructions. No, they’re just bilingual. Apart from a short period of stammering when their brain was faster than their speech, they settled in fine!

So does your son speak or understand English? Do the staff know any of your own language?

And all the children will have some degree of abandonment anxiety. It’s up to the staff to manage it. Also a clear cheerful “See you after nap time!” will reassure them you’ll be back but not right away…

Our toddler cannot speak English yet. He just knows a few basic words.. our health visitor advised us to speak just our native language and told us he will learn speaking English in the nursery. Noone knows our native language at the nursery. I just gave a mostly used words list to his teacher since she is very kind and tries to communicate with thim.

My DC was 4 and went to school in Luxembourg with only having English. A tiny bit of French. 3 months later they were fluent. 25 years later I believe that Luxembourgish is now their mother tongue and I imagine if they have children later I will be the one teaching English.
Nursery should deal with the attachment problems.

This will be a huge adjustment for your child. He's basically spending hours a day in a place where he doesn't understand anyone and he cannot communicate his needs.

Have the nursery got a visual timetable so he understands the structure of the day. Is there some way he can communicate his needs to the adults in the room? Does the setting have familiar books and resources to help him feel more settled?

For drop offs you need to be light and breezy and not drag them out and expect a period of him not talking and observing those around him, this is completely normal for children being exposed to a new language.

If it’s of any comfort, my three were all very sad nursery starters. It will have less to do with language barrier and more to do with simply missing mum!! It’s a bit traumatic for you both, understandably, but I can’t emphasise enough how great this setting will be for your little one’s grasping of English! He will learn so much so fast once he gets through the transition stage, which is a bit bumpy and tearful to start with.
My kids all started nursery with lots of non-English speaking children: Russian, Spanish, Japanese, Eritrean, Lebanese, Sudanese, Italian. Not one of them spoke a word of English. By the end of the year, they were speaking in English like proper little Londoners. Your boy will absolutely pick up English through school in no time. Your biggest challenge is saying goodbye at the door/gate. 🥹❤️

I think you were poorly advised. Your DS is not yet bilingual and this is adding to his anxiety.
My DC are bilingual, but they learned both in tandem and were very confident in English before they had to be left anywhere. You can buy picture books with both languages in, usually, that's what we had. Or introduce him to a few English words a day?
Has he picked up any English from going out, tv etc?.

.

My DC is quadlingual now. It comes together but all I would say is keep your native language at home. Do not speak English with your child. Reply back in your native language even when you understand. I did this with my DC. I did not always understand what they were saying - so you are in a better position than I was - but I asked them to explain it in English what it was. Respect for you going to the UK and bringing a child up.

I am bilingual. We spoke both languages at home. The brain adapts very quickly and I can carry a conversation in both languages at once if need be. I think the advice you have been given is wrong.

Staff feels also stressed because of him I think. They try whatever they can do to distract him but he is very persistent as a kid. Even days after he has been asking me why I left him alone there and trying to find a rational explanation for the sadness he experienced.

I cannot imagine how to raise a quad lingual DC, full respect.. I and my husband are from the same country so we just talk our native at home. I know many children who just talk in English in the end although their parents speak their native at home. its not easy for both parties..

this sounds really hard for you both. I’ve experienced similar when my daughter was 3, but not with the added mix of another language. I know the conventional thinking is to do a swift goodbye and leave even if they are upset, but both me and my daughter would have found that too distressing. I think you know your own child so follow your instincts. You can ask if you can stay etc. There are options.

goes without saying I understand the stresses of needing to be in work etc makes this impossible for some parents.

Thank you for your sincere reply. It really touched me. It’s incredibly challenging to leave your DC somewhere alone for the first time. I had never seen him so unhappy, accompanied by such a deep and prolonged cry. It made me question our whole education system and the idea of forcing children to stay in places where they really don’t want to be.
Even as a child, I never liked being at school, although I was one of the top students. Even when I stay with him at the nursery, he wants to go home as soon as our session ends rather than going to a play area or somewhere else. He seems completely overwhelmed each time and feels very tired even after those 90 minutes.
Every morning, he asks me whether we are going to nursery. When I tell him we’re not going at the weekend, he says he is very happy to hear that. I think he may be afraid of the possibility that I will leave him there alone again.
Was it the same with your DC? I’m feeling totally confused and honestly don’t know what to do if this continues for more than a month.

This whole calling parents when a child is unsettled is a new phenomenon. That certainly wasn’t the norm 25 years ago. I made it clear to my child’s nursery I would only be picking up if they were properly sick. 45 minutes is nothing. They are clearly the wrong setting for you.

On another note, if he is 3 he will be starting school within 2 years - he needs to learn English!

I would look at introducing some simple makaton signs and visuals that can be used consistently across both settings. Give him a tool to communicate while picking up the English.

You do need to leave the setting though because the more you stay the harder you’re going to make it. Even if you just completely leave for half an hour at first then build it up. He needs you to leave so he can learn you are coming back.

Thank you. I share the same feelings.. a brief goodbye can be theoretically right but it's not possible with a kid who questions everything you say. When I say that swift goodbye, he runs after me asking why I need to go and why he cannot come with me there. its another challenge to explain. I cannot ignore him therefore I stop to explain him hoping he will understand someday. How could you manage this stressful process with your DC? Currently I just stay in the nursery until he accepts when I tell him that I will be outside for a while and come back to pick him up.

What does he like to play with or do? If staff can engage him in a favourite activity that can make transition easier. Is he used to being with other children, is he curious about them and wanting to interact? Do they use visuals or Makaton to help him understand what to expect? Some children do take time to settle, and better to practice at nursery rather than school where there is little flexibility and no option to stay for you. Is he used to being away from you with friends and family? We have many bilingual children at our nursery, it's fantastic for brain development and yes they pick up English remarkably quickly. If the nursery are happy to accommodate, I would go with you leaving for 1 hour, then building up from that, perhaps leaving him with a comforter or favourite cuddly from home.

Nowadays, I feel that no one really wants to take on extra responsibility or make extra effort. Even when a child cries a little, nursery staff seem to be very careful about not pushing them too much.
I visited another nursery, and the staff member connected with my DC within a minute through such expressive, playful gestures, even though they didn’t speak the same language. It was quite remarkable.. maybe it depends on a person’s natural or trained ability to connect with and soothe children. I think they can be both gentle and impressive at the same time. Maybe, as you said, it’s simply not the right setting for him.

This sounds very similar to my daughter.

Mumsnet is great, but for topics like this, you’re going to get replies mostly saying you have to leave them etc (as you already have). For some children they might well adapt and be fine, but for others (like my daughter) that’s simply not true and she would get more distressed, it would affect her anxiety and stress at home, etc. You know your child better than anybody else, trust your instincts.

im still in the midst of this so I don’t know the answer, but we have paused nursery for now until we can work out a way to try to settle her without simply leaving her. Perhaps arranging with the nursery for a parent to stay there until she feels safe.

I could not leave my daughter when she was crying and reaching for me and begging for me to stay. It would increase her anxiety x1000. She must feel safe in order to thrive. It’s just the way she is made.

Given he currently doesn’t speak or understand English I think you might be better off with a more gentle introduction to it.

not sure if you are UK or not, but maybe an English playgroup with you where it’s all in English?

or a childminder for some mornings, ifeally if you can find one who speaks both English and your language.

failing that you need to try to get him used to English - could dad start with English?

You really need to up that game.

Of course he us upset if he can't understand what the teachers and children say In nursery. It's hard to settle in this way.

Our children are bilinguals but you don't help him this way.

A prolonged attempt at leaving and over explaining what you're doing, where you're going and for exactly how long really isn't in a child's best interests. Have the discussion before nursery that you will be leaving him there and you will return. Keep it simple.

After your last update is there a reason you didn't choose the nursery where your child made an instant connection with a staff member? I would have thought this was invaluable for him given the language divide and would have helped him settle much more easily if he was secure with the adults providing the care?

I remember when I lived in Spain. Child dropped off at nursery at the door. Teacher greeted with a breezy ‘buenos días’, picked child up and closed door. No faffing, no fuss. Child cried. Within 10 minutes was distracted with toys, games etc and was fine. Calling parents was for vomiting, chest infections and chicken pox.