My life is a mess

[Hecate99]

I would welcome some advice. My life feels like it is a total mess and I don't know where to start to fix it.
I've been unhappy for years and years but at the moment I feel like a rat in a trap.

I am 65, married, we are both retired. We have three adult children. One lives in the same area but has been estranged completely for nearly a year. He has mental health problems and is on the spectrum. It has devastated me . Another child has moved about 50 mins drive from us, and has a new job and new life after living hundreds of miles away for several years, however they are very dependent on us emotionally, and now financially which is very draining. We have another adult child living at the other end of the country with two grandchildren who we adore.

We moved to the area we are currently living in 8 years ago. I was brought up here, but really feel no connection to the place and rue the day we moved back . I have an elderly mother here but don't get on with her at all and barely see her. It is a painful and difficult relationship. I would rather not live near her as I feel I have all of the responsibility but no positives.

I haven't really made any friends here and all my attempts to find hobbies and interests or new friends haven't really worked. My OH is consumed by a hobby which I have no interest in. His friends are connected with his hobby.

We both feel very isolated and I feel desperately lonely, but have reached a point where I just can't summon the enthusiasm to do much at all anymore . I just don't want to be in this house or area anymore. We have considered moving closer to our grandchildren, but they live in a more expensive area which would mean using all of our existing savings to move . Our other two children are here, but one is estranged and the other is an emotional drain. It doesn't make logistical sense to move away, but I feel I need a change of scene and a fresh start. I've never liked the house we live in and wanted to move more or less straight away.

In addition, all my relationships seem fraught with problems. I barely speak to my mother and don't get on with my sister. One of my children is estranged. I feel so low and so worthless . My health has been nosediving in the past year and I need to lose a lot of weight I just don't know where to start or what to do.

This sounds miserable OP. A lot of of these things are actually relatively common things that, when they happen in isolation, people generally manage to deal with, but not when all are happening at once and not when you have no support network.

It is very hard to change a relationship with a dependent family member. Only you know what the consequences will be in terms of your adult child with MH problems and your mother if you move away. All I will say is that just because people are related to you it doesn't mean you have to prioritise their needs for the rest of your life.

If I'm very honest it sounds like you're edging towards depression, if not there already. The first thing I'd do is talk to your GP and ask for talking therapy/counselling sessions. Inevitably that will take ages so consider whether you can afford it privately. This will hopefully help you start to see things a bit more clearly, and to learn a bit more about how your brains works when you're depressed or in fight/flight mode. It was life-changing for me tbh.

Next I'd sit down with your husband and make it very clear that something has to change. Start a discussion about your options and take it from there. If you two can get on the same page it will make you feel much stronger and more supported.

When you speak to the GP ask for weight loss support as well, if you think that's needed. Do you get out and about much? When I feel like this I know I retreat into myself (and I to my house) - it doesn't help that I WFH full-time - but getting outside into daylight/change of scene/talking to others really helps. It could just be a ten-minute walk, or a swim session, or a local craft group/library session/coffee morning/pilates class - anything like that is a step in the right direction and might help you start to cultivate a support network.

Thank you. I am depressed, and I have been to the doctor. They really were no use, just referred me to a mental health group nearby which I haven't gone to as I don't know what to expect there. I have paid for counselling myself but found it of limited help.

I have told my OH something needs to change and he is willing to move, but now one of our children has relocated very unexpectedly we feel we need to stay for them, at least for a while. It's made me feel very hopeless as for myself I don't want to be in this area anymore.

I do try to get out but feel increasingly bored and irritated with everything. We attend a group and have a few friends there but they are the only people I see and it's getting a bit predictable. I just feel my whole life needs an overhaul. We end up eating out or going on holiday, but it's connection I want more than anything.

You poor thing. Is there any other area you could move to that would be closer to your grandchildren but not as expensive? I do think where you live and how you feel about it has a huge impact on your mood. This issue seems central for you. That said, you can’t move to where your grandchildren are and make that the sole thing you get your happiness from. You do need to make friends, find hobbies, etc. But maybe that would be easier in a different place?

I really think it would be. I know the child who has recently moved nearby would be very upset and that's really the issue, as well as finances.

Just saw this post. I wonder if your depression is getting in the way of connection - whether is a bit chicken or the egg in this way. Sometimes medication can make a world of difference. I just wonder given the comment about feeling bored and irritated with everything even when you do go out, whether things are a bit chemically off and a medication might help.

Just make the move op, sorry but your in your sixties your children are adults they can fend for themselves. Decades you have put them first, now it's time to put yourself first. They won't stand on their two feet if your always there in the background fussing over them.

Live for you.

Your child moved ... Well wop-de-doo-de! Did you specifically ask them to? If not, then that's a red herring.

Have you considered moving somewhere between your children? You'll have the advantage of being within "reach" you can probably choose somewhere in your price range and your children will get used to coping without you but it won't look like you're choosing one over the other.

Don't stay where you're unhappy for fear of upsetting a grown child, you've done your bit.

I think this is a point worth considering.

OP I would HUGELY recommend that you try the local MH group - you have nothing to lose if you attend with no expectations and don't put any pressure on yourself. I attend a virtual one via work and it is so valuable.

I absolutely know what you mena about everything/everyone irritating you. IME, a change of scenery/starting something new/varying routine helps a lot with this. I would start small and do what you can. Would volunteering, even if just an hour or so a week, be an option?

I would make the move. Do it sooner rather than waiting.

It would be unfair to the dc with your dgc to lay the burden of your wellbeing at their door .
Unless they specifically ask you to be closer I would assume their lives and schedules are well organised ...and you may feel miffed they don't have lots of free time for you.
Sorry if that comes across harsh.

Find things to fill your days. A pet ?gardening ?creative projects ?
And you aren't obligated to help dc financially..
I am also estranged from a dc and it hurts like hell so I feel for you op.

Having also felt trapped by location in the past, I would just ask you, what will you be doing differently, when you move? What are you moving to? The move in itself is not going to fix anything.

Have you considered having an assessment for ASD?

With the issues you describe and one ND child, it's possible you are autistic too.

Knowing (if you are) can help you to understand yourself better.

I honestly don’t know if your problems would move with you tbh op, as in you might be excited for a while but this honestly might be more depression/ hormonal imbalance than anything.

If you look at how you describe everyone (only your dgc give you any joy, and calling your child an emotional drain) I honestly think if you can’t move now, go back to the gp, go to the groups they suggest, look at hormonal fixes or antidepressants (from a 46 yo do not the same but who got a shock at how they evened out the everyday for me). See if there’s walking groups or groups for the elderly around (I know you’re not elderly but our local one is fifty plus). How about you do something tiny (but huge) like a date night with your dh, or a walk or a board game with him. Sounds like he’s there for you. Hugs op, life can be hard

Go to therapy.

Get your house up for sale and move!

No I am really not autistic. I don't have a problem making friends, I just feel I'm in the wrong place.

Ive asked the doctor for it but she didn't want to give me medication.

Better weather for a start. Where I am living now the weather isn't great. I'm in a busy city and I find the traffic and the stress overwhelming. I've lived in smaller places in the past with easier access to nature and that was easier .

We did this at Easter. Made a massive effort but six weeks in my adult child got a job nearby!! So took it off the market.

I don't think we would live too close to them, perhaps 2 hours away which would be much easier as currently we live a 9 hour drive from them and it's hard to visit.

I'm so sorry to hear about your estrangement situation. It is absolutely devastating, so I understand your pain.

Why did you move 8 years ago?
Have you considered moving back?
Is your DM at the stage where she will need residential care (which means she can also be relocated)?

I have just applied to volunteer in a role i'm interest in. I think though that I don't want to put any effort in because I don't want to be here, so I am kind of divided against myself . I have put loads of effort into various things since we moved here, but I have run out of steam so to speak and just can't motivate myself to do anything new, which I know isn't helping.

We moved here to give my estranged child more chances and for family reasons. It's a long story. It has worked in some ways but not in others. We have moved as a family many times for work, so there is no real place that is 'home'.

I'd move away from everyone (but within easier reach of your grandchildren, although it doesn't sound like you could get any further away without emigrating!). Somewhere with no family history and where you aren't dragged down by adult children (who can, and should, manage their own lives, what would they do if you DID emigrate?).

Once you have sorted a move, you can start sorting yourself. I doubt the move will solve your problems, but if you move somewhere smaller and quieter then maybe consider a dog (I meet so many people out dogwalking) and clubs and groups will be easier to join although may involve more travelling.

Change your doctor!

If you can't or a second doctor also won't help check out rhodiola rosea, it has an effect very similar to the most modern antidepressants.

Only buy a standardised version. Don't use it if you are on medication to lower blood pressure or your liver doesn't work well.