My life is a mess

[Hecate99]

I would welcome some advice. My life feels like it is a total mess and I don't know where to start to fix it.
I've been unhappy for years and years but at the moment I feel like a rat in a trap.

I am 65, married, we are both retired. We have three adult children. One lives in the same area but has been estranged completely for nearly a year. He has mental health problems and is on the spectrum. It has devastated me . Another child has moved about 50 mins drive from us, and has a new job and new life after living hundreds of miles away for several years, however they are very dependent on us emotionally, and now financially which is very draining. We have another adult child living at the other end of the country with two grandchildren who we adore.

We moved to the area we are currently living in 8 years ago. I was brought up here, but really feel no connection to the place and rue the day we moved back . I have an elderly mother here but don't get on with her at all and barely see her. It is a painful and difficult relationship. I would rather not live near her as I feel I have all of the responsibility but no positives.

I haven't really made any friends here and all my attempts to find hobbies and interests or new friends haven't really worked. My OH is consumed by a hobby which I have no interest in. His friends are connected with his hobby.

We both feel very isolated and I feel desperately lonely, but have reached a point where I just can't summon the enthusiasm to do much at all anymore . I just don't want to be in this house or area anymore. We have considered moving closer to our grandchildren, but they live in a more expensive area which would mean using all of our existing savings to move . Our other two children are here, but one is estranged and the other is an emotional drain. It doesn't make logistical sense to move away, but I feel I need a change of scene and a fresh start. I've never liked the house we live in and wanted to move more or less straight away.

In addition, all my relationships seem fraught with problems. I barely speak to my mother and don't get on with my sister. One of my children is estranged. I feel so low and so worthless . My health has been nosediving in the past year and I need to lose a lot of weight I just don't know where to start or what to do.

I think you need to go back and ask again. Take your DH with you if you feel that you can’t advocate for yourself.

I’ve had depression and I think this may be what is affecting all of your relationships now. For me having SSRIs for a time along with counselling did help but I’m convinced it’s the double approach that worked.

Agree with asking the GP for support with weight loss too

Unfortunately I am on BP medication. Thanks for the suggestion, I hadn't heard of it. My OH is on antidepressants and they do work for him. I really don't want to take them but got so desperate I did ask the GP for them and got fobbed off. It's almost impossible to see a GP in person now too which doesn't help.

I think that's what we need to do too. My life in particular seems to be consumed by the needs of my children . The two who I do see have a lot of struggles going on and need emotional support though they are both functional people with jobs and lives.

They really were no use, just referred me to a mental health group nearby which I haven't gone to as I don't know what to expect there.

Start there. I joined a pain group (for different conditions) and we do not talk about pain or our illnesses. What we do is laugh, be silly, help each other through bad periods but mainly just connect. We are all housebound unless family drive us anywhere so we are isolated from the community. This is our one link to the outside world and we would be severely depressed without it. Take a deep breath and go. Also see about anti depressants even if only for a few months.

As someone who also hates her house, talk to your DH and see about moving. Where have you always wanted to go? The seaside, near woodlands, mountains, national parks? Or a certain town?

Oh Hecate, you do sound very down. Have you considered that with depression sometimes people 'blame' one particular aspect of their life as a reason for their feelings ( e.g. a stressful job, a relationship, a location)?
But in fact when they leave the identified 'cause' of their depression (e.g. they leave their job, end their marriage, cut contact or move house) they find the depression comes with them. Are you trying to escape your feelings by escaping the area?
What aspect of moving to a new location would make things better?
What struck me is that none of the problems you identify with your current situation are actually place-based. Most of the unhappiness you mentioned revolves around your relationships. İf you move presumably you'd still have a complex and tricky relationship with your mum wherever you live and just as much responsibility for her care but with more travelling. Relations with your adult DC will remain stressful because they're not going to change if you move. Your DH will lose the group of hobby friends he has made and possibly be less happy in a new place. I guess he'll build up a new group doing the same hobby in the new place so you'll end up in a similar situation friends-wise.
Seeing as you've put the house move on hold, could you spend a few months trying to make things better for yourself where you currently are? Back to the GP for the meds (they can help), join a hobby group of your own even if you're not really into it, plan a regular stay near your grandDCs family so you always have something to look forward to. Exercise even if you hate it.
Then rethink after a few months.

I agree with this post op.

I think you need to go back to the gp, or request to see another one, get some medication to help you through this, and maybe even attend that mh support group. It can’t be any worse than you are experiencing now?

I think your mh is the key to everything. You could move house and just take your depression with you.

Also, won’t you worry about your dc wherever they are located? Having said that, I don’t think you should let your adult dc dictate where you live ultimately.

I think you may be burnt out Op. One of my dc has ASD and it nearly brought me to my knees. You need to focus a bit now on recovery and discovering what you like to do.
And drawing boundaries around your role in your mum’s life and that of your adult dc.

Can you write down what that might look like? Seeing your mum once a fortnight? Only being available to speak to your emotionally dependent adult child at certain times? Explaining to them that you are feeling low in yourself and that you can’t be there for them as they want you to be atm? You need a protective buffer zone around you right now.

But at the same time get back to basics and focus on your sleep, healthy eating and walking every day in the fresh air. That can only do you good.

Give yourself a year or so of getting your physical and mh back on track and maybe aim to put your house on the market Easter 2028? I know that sounds a long time but at least you have something to aim at.

Maybe start looking to downsize to a much smaller, more rural property? But make sure there are good transport links nearby.

Good luck op, if it’s any consolation, I think many women feel the way you do at your and our age. They have given so much to everyone else over so many years and have drained their reserves beyond the point to which it is mentally healthy 💐

I would say they need to find emotional support through their friendship and peer networks rather than relying on their parents. Obviously you can still be around with a listening ear but you deserve to have your time now and concentrate on yourselves and your emotional wants.

Difficult if you’re feeling depressed but I would start at the GP again. You deserve to feel well.

You say that you have caring responsibilities for your M who is difficult. I am in a similar position and it’s not easy. Have you joined your local Carer’s Hub? They can often be very supportive.

Are you registered as your M’s carer with your GP too? If not, I would start there.

If your house was already for sale when your child moved nearby then they are hardly going to be surprised when you decide to move away. Do you have anywhere else where you have built a friendship group and like the area? There’s no point living somewhere that makes you miserable. I’m in the same situation in which logistically it makes sense to live in the area I am, but I hate everything about it. If I didn’t have dependents children to consider then I wouldn’t think twice about leaving immediately.

My biggest concern would be that you think moving away would solve your problems, even they might not.

Running away doesn’t solve things.

If you want to move then you should absolutely do it but I don’t know if it’s going to help as much as you think.

I would plan to move and spend the next 6-12months looking for areas and being realistic about living there FT.
In the meantime, focus on losing weight.

What does your DH think?
Who is going to take care of your mum?
You both need to consider that 1 of you may die or become poorly and how that will affect you if you’re too far away from support.

I agree. The OP seems fundamentally unhappy and seems unable to motivate herself to make changes. Moving house won’t be a magic wand.

One step at a time. Pop your trainers on and go with a walk/jog. Put some annoyingly cheerful music on. Or prayer/ pod cast whatever. I did nhs group therapy programme and was amazed how it helped. All online and painless! Comments were through the chat so no pressure. I think you should make peace with estranged kid if you can. That’s it. Love and prayers you xx

Definitely get back to the doctor for starters - even a telephone appointment.

I have taken low doses of antidepressants before and they really do give you a kick start when you are in a slump - don’t be fobbed off again.

I sense a lot of guilt and obligation from you which is natural but this is the time to live your own life and do what suits you as 65 is still relatively young (to me anyway - I’m 61) so don’t waste these precious years as who knows what the future holds health wise as you get older for both you and your husband.

I think your situation probably resonates with a number of people actually and am touched to see some lovely replies on here.

I’m not a hugger but sending you hugs and hope things pick up for you whatever you decide to do ❤️

I would consider a trial run in the location close to your grandchildren.

Perhaps look into whether renting your house out for 6 months would mean you could afford to rent somewhere small for 6 months in the place closer to your grandchildren. If you like it, you can then decide to make it permanent.

Be honest with your other 2 children and your mother. If they want to relocate with you, then they can, and they will.

Life's too short not to be happy, OP. And there's no doubt about it, living somewhere you feel you fit in makes life much happier.

id think it makes sense to move at 65 and be nearer your grandchildren - but before you do, find out how much you will be involved ? ask the questions now before moving, will I be useful on school runs and babysitting

can you downsize into a retirement place that are much cheaper - even in higher price areas? for example Winchester is an expensive area but this retirement apartment is https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/70614935/?search_identifier=0918a75a785079431446c7e04a66abd0cdef7e7b81ac1ed234f8516be47cf92b&console=open&tab=floor_plans. £125,000

I agree with previous posters that you moving might not be the help you think - or at least it can't fix everything. You feeling irritated and fed up with everything will not be fixed by moving.

I wonder if that's souring your attempts to make friends, and find new hobbies? I agree with others you need to either go back to the dr, or get a new one. I know there aren't easy fixes, but you need to treat your mental health as you would your physical health. Would you accept being fobbed off about a physical health problem?

I do think the way I feel is largely situational. I went to visit the GC recently and felt like a completely different person in better weather , with company and a different place.That may well wear off though. I just don't think I'm suited to urban life.

I must admit we are getting a bit worried about future vulnerabilities down the line,. Having one of the children within a reasonable distance as we get older is an important factor. Not that I expect them to care for us, but a lot of things are getting more difficult now without any help.

I have distanced myself from my mother who seems to be in the early stages of dementia and her usual unpleasant personality has become magnified several times over. I find dealing with her impossible these days which sounds hard hearted but I have a sibling 20 miles away who does nothing to help her. They will have to step up. So my mother isn't such a factor in this as she once was.