School shoe battles 😫 (ND y5 boy)

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DS is 9, just started y5 (mainstream school). He has autism, very bright, very anxious, wants to fit in. Before the summer holidays, he wanted to wear trainers to school instead of his leather school shoes, and complained a lot when we insisted he wears the shoes. During the holidays I tried taking him shopping for new shoes but he didn't want to, said they were all ugly, eventually (after much patience and some insisting) tried them on but said they weren't comfortable and he hated them. So we haven't replaced his old shoes (these ones: termfootwear.com/collections/boys-black-school-shoes/products/maxx-boys-leather-shoe) which still fit and are in good condition. The problem is that he refused to wear them this morning. He didn't want to go back to school at all and the shoe battle didn't help. We said surely the other boys have leather shoes like his and his reply was "only the "nerdy" ones"... mmm ok! He's not socially confident at all; he does have friends but says that some of the more popular, "cool" boys don't like him and can be mean. I do sympathise with wanting to fit in but I really don't think there's anything wrong with the shoes he has. Anyway, DH and I have agreed that we need to get some shoes he is happy with. I wanted him to have good quality leather shoes that would support his feet, keep them warm and dry in autumn/winter etc, but I don't know if I should be insisting on that. He seems to care about labels now (I swear I didn't care about that until I got to secondary school!) so maybe some branded black leather trainers...

Any advice or recommendations much appreciated. Please be kind, and if you don't have an autistic kid, be aware that this is harder than it would be for a neurotypical child. Thanks.

As a fellow autism Mum I ask “Is this really the battle you want to pick?”. Just let him wear trainers and if his feet get wet then have a conversation about shoes.

He wants to fit in and he know what that involves

so just ask him what he would wear then

Yes, as above: how will wearing trainers affect his learning? In fact, you could argue that wearing trainers improves his learning as he will then be in school and comfortable.

What do the boys wear who he wants to copy? Just go with that of within school rules surely

And when your feet are wet, don’t even think of complaining to me.

and stick to it.

Has he shown you the style of footwear he's happy with? If it's in budget, in line with uniform policy and he finds them comfortable, then honestly just go with that. I'm sure you already know this, but clothing and footwear can be a sensory nightmare for autistic people and school uniform policies only restrict our choices further.

I'd also be alert to the possibility that he's being bullied, and the shoe / fitting-in anxiety might be a symptom of that.

This has nothing to do with autism and everything to do with a boy just wanting to fit in.

My eldest (age 15) is ND and school uniform has always been a nightmare, particularly shoes as he won't do laces and now he's older and an adult size 8 appropriate shoe choices are even harder to find. He also doesn't like shopping, so I feel your pain of getting your son to try things on or agreeing to something then changing his mind.

I'd say find something he's comfortable in - Next do a good range of shoes, some are almost trainer like and more comfy which might be a good compromise? If they are more trainer like maybe have a chat with his teacher to explain that's the only thing he'll wear?

I find primary school more lax on uniform than secondary, though my son has somehow got away with wearing black joggers which he prefers over school trousers.

Honestly as a teacher just get him some black trainers. I care not about the footwear on the feet of my students and trainers are often much more supportive than bog standard school shoes. He wants to fit in and if he will wear the black trainers then it's really not a battle I would try and win.

Thanks all. I am very much a "pick your battles" kind of parent! And DH who is usually more stubborn strict than me has agreed we should just let him have trainers. I'm going to try and see what the other boys are wearing and might search online for some options to run past DS before ordering. I'm hoping to persuade him to get some leather trainers if he is ok with how they look, but if not I suppose I could get some waterproof spray stuff for whatever trainers he chooses.

I'm feeling sad about this today, feel that I failed a bit. It's (mentally) exhausting having to anticipate and get everything they need and make sure it's exactly what they want.

I found some options online and DS has chosen these: https://www.sportsdirect.com/new-balance-kids-b80-low-top-trainers-090369#colcode=09036903

I don't like ordering shoes online because it's so important to try them on and if they don't fit you just end up wasting time and money on delivery and returns. Hey ho. Will have to drag him to Sports Direct next time!

This is classic nasty Mumsnet. "Exhausted" in speech marks 🙄 Yes I'm exhausted and no it's not just about the shoes. It's called SEN parenting.

Why didn't I "just say yes"? We don't have plain black trainers because shopping for school shoes was so difficult, he didn't want to engage with any of it. I figured if he didn't want new shoes he could just wear the old ones (which are not that old, he outgrew the pair we bought last summer so I bought a bigger size). He did wear them last term even though he moaned a bit about it. So this morning I wanted him to wear the one pair of plain black shoes we have, which he doesn't like. But no, I didn't say yes to wearing trainers, because the ones he has are not plain black. (They also stink and need to go in the washing machine!)

Mine wore Adidas Tensaur through primary school. Black comfy trainers but quite shoe looking so still smart.

I’m another one who’d vote for the adidas tensaur. My Y6 has worn them since Y2

@Orlando27 and @dancingdiva12
Thanks both

Why does he need to wear school shoes? I have a 12 and 16yr old and they've always worn black trainers to school.

Nike p-6000 and ASICS 1130 seem to be the most popular school shoes this year. Also air force 1 are more like a black leather shoe style
Adidas tensaur are much less cool but popular amongst younger kids. Show him those and see if they'll be acceptable.

I also have a child who has sensory issues with clothing and will only wear a few select things, this isn't a hill I would die on.

I have an autistic girl. She struggles with sensory issues and with fitting in.

You are heading into the worst age for the social aspect.

if there was a popular item that also aligned with her sensory needs that could be used at school, I got it for my daughter.

This is such an easy win for your child. Don’t let arbitrary rules that you are setting yourself get in the way.

I’d also recommend swapping the laces out for elasticated ones.

I hear you.

If you’re not a SEND parent then it’s difficult to understand. Today I had an early dr appointment with DD2 for something which is probably related to her disability and not a medical issue but not medical issues are more likely with her disabilities. I had to set some activities up for DD1 as she isn’t able to attend school, then go to the shop to get more uniform for DD1 because she is having sensory issues with her, also pick up specific good requested by DD1 who has been unwantedly losing weight due medical issues, then opened post one letter to scan and save about DD2 mental health, one to scan and save about DD1 physical health and then open a report which just rearrived regarding DD1 ECHP and try figure what the hell they are saying and how that fits into available services. It’s just the constant mental load.

Another vote for adidas tensaur cheapest in sports direct but can also get them from next.
both my boys wore them right through infants and juniors.