School shoe battles 😫 (ND y5 boy)

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DS is 9, just started y5 (mainstream school). He has autism, very bright, very anxious, wants to fit in. Before the summer holidays, he wanted to wear trainers to school instead of his leather school shoes, and complained a lot when we insisted he wears the shoes. During the holidays I tried taking him shopping for new shoes but he didn't want to, said they were all ugly, eventually (after much patience and some insisting) tried them on but said they weren't comfortable and he hated them. So we haven't replaced his old shoes (these ones: termfootwear.com/collections/boys-black-school-shoes/products/maxx-boys-leather-shoe) which still fit and are in good condition. The problem is that he refused to wear them this morning. He didn't want to go back to school at all and the shoe battle didn't help. We said surely the other boys have leather shoes like his and his reply was "only the "nerdy" ones"... mmm ok! He's not socially confident at all; he does have friends but says that some of the more popular, "cool" boys don't like him and can be mean. I do sympathise with wanting to fit in but I really don't think there's anything wrong with the shoes he has. Anyway, DH and I have agreed that we need to get some shoes he is happy with. I wanted him to have good quality leather shoes that would support his feet, keep them warm and dry in autumn/winter etc, but I don't know if I should be insisting on that. He seems to care about labels now (I swear I didn't care about that until I got to secondary school!) so maybe some branded black leather trainers...

Any advice or recommendations much appreciated. Please be kind, and if you don't have an autistic kid, be aware that this is harder than it would be for a neurotypical child. Thanks.

Ah that's a great tip thank you. I hadn't thought of that. He does struggle with laces - he can do them ok (ish) but it takes him ages and he gets frustrated.

Yes. Thank you.

We have these - you can get them in other shops, this was just the first link I found. So they come in Velcro or laces. And they’re “smart” but still have that trainer feel as they’re adidas. Would these work? https://www.next.co.uk/style/su775037/w68486

The black Nike air force ones seem to be the most leather esque trainers - if cost is a challenge there’s loads on Vinted

You haven't failed. It sounds like you've created a really supportive environment for him to be able to come to you and tell you that he wants different shoes. Not all children would feel confident expressing that. It is also possible that he didn't really know what he wanted until he went in today. Honestly I think you should be relieved you hadn't just bought new, expensive school shoes that he now won't wear

I would drop the leather requirement. It's most important that he has shoes that A: fit, B: are acceptable to the school's uniform requirements and C: he's happy with.

That's it honestly. I would not worry about anything else. I wouldn't even especially worry about waterproofing unless he has a long walk to school in all weathers - they don't send them out at break if it's raining or snowing, and he won't get that wet walking around from class to class especially at primary school. Honestly the state of the flared trousers we were all wearing to school in the 2000s. You could have had full wellington boots on and still be soaked up to the knee! He will be fine.

Don't stress. There are always little disasters on the first day of term, especially with SEN. If this is the biggest disaster then you're winning honestly.

Oh and YY DS1 absolutely lives in Nike Air Force, and they aren't as eye wateringly expensive as you'd imagine except that he always needs the latest version. He wears them every day for about a year and they survive.

Thank you so much for your very kind post.
And you're so right about the flares, I definitely had wet ankles for most of the 90s

I find it a bit sad that you think I need to be told to listen to him! Obviously I do that!

Trainers in primary school. Always. So they can burn off energy at lunchtime playing in appropriate outdoor shoes (trainers) with less chance of getting hurt due to inappropriate footwear (awful girly non-sporty shoes, I'm talking to you).

Update:
The trainers arrived today, DS tried them on voluntarily (usually a battle!) and is happy with them, they seem to fit ok so we have a win 😅
Thanks all for the support and suggestions.