Boyfriend wants 2 wifes

[MeganBoo]

I made a post regarding this yesterday but thought I’d do it again in the Muslim section as really need advice and my mental health isn’t good. It’s long to explain but please give me help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 months, we’ve seen each other a lot, he’s Muslim and I’m a revert. I’m use to toxic/abusive relationships so it’s been nice being with him as he’s been treating me well up until now. I’m 24 and he’s 28.

Things have become bad as last weekend he spoke to a girl he knows about some issues in our relationship…he’s known this girl for 4 years and has been friends with benefits with her on and off for them 4 years. This girl likes him and wants to be with him however my boyfriends never felt the same way. When he spoke to her on the weekend he told her how he’s in a relationship (with me) and she got emotional and said how she loves him and wants to be with him but now she’s gotta move on. This made my boyfriend feel bad and realise he has feelings for her and dosent want her to find someone else. He asked her if she’d be ok with him having two wife’s (her and me) and she agreed as she’s desperate to be with him. Fast forward to Thursday my boyfriend came to see me and told me everything I previously said about this girl and asked if I’d be ok with him marrying me and her…since then I’ve been an emotional wreck as I don’t agree with it even though it’s accepted in Islam, I feel like it’s old fashioned and the thought of him having children with her and being romantic with her as well as me irritates me. I’m open minded in relationships and maybe would allow him to have another wife but in the far future once me and him are married not straight away and him marrying us around the same time. I asked him if he thinks we’d get along and he said yeah but she’s not like me…I’m slim due to not eating and she’s thick etc…this made me feel even more insecure and I know I’ll constantly compare myself to her, how can I compete with someone he’s known for 4 years. He stayed the night at mine and went home Friday, he asked if I wanted to come with him (never gone to his before) and I agreed as my mental healths a mess and I didn’t want to be home alone also I really do want a future with him, so I’m currently in his home town. He lives 2 hours away from me and what makes it worse is this girl lives local to him so now I’m gonna be anxious that he’s meeting her and doing stuff with her without me knowing. He already admitted to me that he’s been talking to her the whole time he’s been with me he said it was just general conversation and he hasn’t met her while I’ve been seeing him but I don’t trust him anymore and it hurts so much as I never thought he’d be like this.

He claims he gets along with me more and that he has love for this girl but loves me more and I think that bit may be true as he got into a relationship with me pretty much straight away I didn’t have to beg and he was treating me right where as this girls been having to chase him for 4 years and he’s constantly turned her down when she’s asked for a relationship. And I’m frustrated as if he wants to marry her like he’s now saying he does then why didn’t he take her seriously…why’s it taken him 4 years and being in a relationship with me for him to realise he now wants her surely he would’ve married her years ago rather then stringing her on and playing with her emotions. I feel everything from disrespected, angry, hurt, upset and it’s made my mental health so much worse it’s unfair that I’ve been dragged into this. I don’t feel special anymore as I’m doubting everything…gifts he’s got me I’m now wondering if he also got her etc even the house I’m currently staying in he’s told me she’s been here before I feel disgusted being here knowing they’ve done whatever in this house for example in the bedroom I saw candles and oil that was next to the bed which they must’ve used previously it hurts. I feel like he wants the best of both worlds and it’s unfair how he didn’t tell me the situation from the start as I didn’t know it would turn into this. I really don’t know what to do as I do have love for him and he was treating me a way I’ve never been treated before but I can’t cope with him having another wife and knowing she’s still there on the side especially as they’ve known each other for 4 years and she’s very keen to be with him and hasn’t found anyone else.

Sister, contrary to what many have said, it is his right in Islam to have up to 4 wives, and the suggestion of it is not abusive at all. Although concubinage is islamically permitted, most modern scholars frown upon it and say that a man must be married to have sexual relations, Allah is all knowing and wise, it is between your husband and Allah with what his is doing with having the sex before the marriage. But the wives situation is not a sinful suggestion or practice, and neither is it abusive. Islam is a beautiful religion and a lot of growth can be done by sharing your husband with one or more other wives, it is decreed by Allah, and the prophet had many more than 4 wives who were happy in the arrangement. His favourite wife Aisha was adored and many stories of this, and she didn’t not enjoy her marriage because of other wives. You have to decide if it is for you, but if you marry a muslim man, who says he only wants one wife, he can change his mind at any time, and you know this, and it is his right to do so because Allah knows best. You don’t know how he will feel in 20 years, you may be grateful then to have another woman take the burden of sex and things like that. Marrying two at once is not frowned upon either, it is not abusive and it is his choice, and if you don’t like it, don’t be one of those wives

@Halimamuslima did you miss the part where he locked her in his flat with no access to food for several days? This man is abusive whether Muslim or not.

Did you also miss the bit where he installed a camera in her room? Please Meghan boo tjis advice is not in your interest.

Get rid of this man, he will bring you nothing but more trauma.
Get yourself well and find some friends.
Speak to your mental health nurse about what's been happening.

@Halimamuslima and I would point out that in the UK no one can legally marry more than 1 spouse. So one marriage would be a nikkah only and that woman would have no legal protection under the law of the UK. Aside, of course, from the fact that the OP appears to be in an abusive relationship anyway.

@Halimamuslima I understand what you're saying, but if a man like this was presented to you for marriage, as a practising Muslima would you accept him? Him commiting zina isn't just between him and Allah because he's doing it openly and wants OP to do it and to accept that he's doing it with someone else. And now, apparently, he's spying on her in her bedroom. All of this screams 'fasiq.'

@ those saying polygamy is illegal in the UK: people go into it knowing full well it isnt legally recognised. In the eyes of the law its no different to a man having multiple girlfriends, and that isnt illegal. So the faux outrage of some posters is misplaced. As long as all parties know what they're getting into, it's their business.

Also, a man can't just have sex with any woman and declare her to be his concubine. That is haram.

I was under the impression that, while Islam does permit men to have up to four wives, this is accompanied by a requirement to ensure that all wives are treated completely equally. Is that not correct? I wonder how equality between wives could ever be achievable in the UK if one wife had more legal protection than any others? I suppose you would have to ensure that none of the wives were legally married in order to make it fair - so in the eyes of the law, he would just have multiple girlfriends anyway.

Tbh, I'm not entirely sure how any man would ever quite achieve perfect equality across different relationships in any case - it seems a rather impossible ask.

In any case, @Halimamuslima seems to have focused in on the issue of polygamy without paying any attention to the fact that this man falsely imprisoned the OP and is clearly abusive.

With the exception of posts from kind and sensible MNetters, I cannot believe what I am reading.

This chap isn't exercising religious belief, he's exercising abuse and coercive control. I have only skim read but what I've gleaned.

Emotional abuse by tormenting with a desire to take two wives and undermine the op.

Financial abuse by owing the op money.

Potenially physical, sexual abuse by engaging in unprotected sex - where does sex before marriage sit with Allah?

Physical and emotional abuse by locking the op up so she can't get out. What would happen if there were a fire?

Physical abuse by not providing access to food.

Emotional/coercive abuse by wanting to install a ring camera, Internet tracker.

I am glad you are back home @MeganBoo. Seriously I think this piece of work needs to be reported to the police.

Please keep safe, don't go back to him and get some support for your MH through the crisis team.

@Halimamuslima this man is an abusive scumbag though, who is demonstrating that he can't treat one woman with respect, let alone more than that.

Honestly, would you want him? Because I certainly wouldn't.

@Halimamuslima nobody was saying having multiple wives is abusive.. you may not have read the rest of the post but the main focus of advice should be for her to get out of this relationship as he is mentally abusing and manipulating her.

Indeed 4 wives is not abusive if it is practiced as Islam prescribes. As the PP has mentioned, they need to be treated equally and if that cannot be done then Islamically he should only marry one. If you read the OPs posts he wants her to be 'thick' and more Pakistani (when she's not) so there is already a preference between the two women.

Seriously @Halimamuslima have you ignored the whole thread?

I haven't scrolled through to see if you've had a Muslim viewpoint reply yet as that's what you were after but here goes my 2 pence worth.
All the other posters who have said this is abuse are correct. This is NOT in any shape or form islamic not even the tiniest smidgen of it.
To put it most basically he is sleeping with 2 girls outside of wedlock should tell you all you need to know about this kind of man and no its not a Muslim man, but someone who is so far removed from his faith he now using the label of it to control you. So run, as fast as you can and as far as you can. Don't look back. Get yourself together with professional help and when your better and more sound mentally visit the local mosque or proper avenues to introduce you to decent men for marriage if and when you'd like to go down that route. DO NOT marry this sorry excuse for a human. He will label everything as islamic as a cloak for his wrongdoings because as a revert he sees you as vulnerable, which you are.

JazakAllah khair @Nazzywish - so accurate.

And now there is a camera in your bedroom so he will be filming you.

Please take all the advice given. This man is not honourable, not a good Muslim, not even a good man. He is a predator. He is dangerous and he is abusive.

And he has borrowed money from you.

From what I know about Islam a husband has to provide for his wife, provide her with a home, clothing, food and water. He isn't even attempting to do that, and that will not change.

You might not have a Mosque near but they all have telephones and you can ask for a woman to call you and give advice.

Women's aid and Karma Nirvana can also point you to help.

Please reach out to your MH nurse, to the organisations that can help you. I know it can be difficult to make that first step but you need more help that can be given to you here.