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Original poster

Boyfriend wants 2 wifes

214 replies

MeganBoo · 26/10/2024 14:57

I made a post regarding this yesterday but thought I’d do it again in the Muslim section as really need advice and my mental health isn’t good. It’s long to explain but please give me help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 months, we’ve seen each other a lot, he’s Muslim and I’m a revert. I’m use to toxic/abusive relationships so it’s been nice being with him as he’s been treating me well up until now. I’m 24 and he’s 28.

Things have become bad as last weekend he spoke to a girl he knows about some issues in our relationship…he’s known this girl for 4 years and has been friends with benefits with her on and off for them 4 years. This girl likes him and wants to be with him however my boyfriends never felt the same way. When he spoke to her on the weekend he told her how he’s in a relationship (with me) and she got emotional and said how she loves him and wants to be with him but now she’s gotta move on. This made my boyfriend feel bad and realise he has feelings for her and dosent want her to find someone else. He asked her if she’d be ok with him having two wife’s (her and me) and she agreed as she’s desperate to be with him. Fast forward to Thursday my boyfriend came to see me and told me everything I previously said about this girl and asked if I’d be ok with him marrying me and her…since then I’ve been an emotional wreck as I don’t agree with it even though it’s accepted in Islam, I feel like it’s old fashioned and the thought of him having children with her and being romantic with her as well as me irritates me. I’m open minded in relationships and maybe would allow him to have another wife but in the far future once me and him are married not straight away and him marrying us around the same time. I asked him if he thinks we’d get along and he said yeah but she’s not like me…I’m slim due to not eating and she’s thick etc…this made me feel even more insecure and I know I’ll constantly compare myself to her, how can I compete with someone he’s known for 4 years. He stayed the night at mine and went home Friday, he asked if I wanted to come with him (never gone to his before) and I agreed as my mental healths a mess and I didn’t want to be home alone also I really do want a future with him, so I’m currently in his home town. He lives 2 hours away from me and what makes it worse is this girl lives local to him so now I’m gonna be anxious that he’s meeting her and doing stuff with her without me knowing. He already admitted to me that he’s been talking to her the whole time he’s been with me he said it was just general conversation and he hasn’t met her while I’ve been seeing him but I don’t trust him anymore and it hurts so much as I never thought he’d be like this.

He claims he gets along with me more and that he has love for this girl but loves me more and I think that bit may be true as he got into a relationship with me pretty much straight away I didn’t have to beg and he was treating me right where as this girls been having to chase him for 4 years and he’s constantly turned her down when she’s asked for a relationship. And I’m frustrated as if he wants to marry her like he’s now saying he does then why didn’t he take her seriously…why’s it taken him 4 years and being in a relationship with me for him to realise he now wants her surely he would’ve married her years ago rather then stringing her on and playing with her emotions. I feel everything from disrespected, angry, hurt, upset and it’s made my mental health so much worse it’s unfair that I’ve been dragged into this. I don’t feel special anymore as I’m doubting everything…gifts he’s got me I’m now wondering if he also got her etc even the house I’m currently staying in he’s told me she’s been here before I feel disgusted being here knowing they’ve done whatever in this house for example in the bedroom I saw candles and oil that was next to the bed which they must’ve used previously it hurts. I feel like he wants the best of both worlds and it’s unfair how he didn’t tell me the situation from the start as I didn’t know it would turn into this. I really don’t know what to do as I do have love for him and he was treating me a way I’ve never been treated before but I can’t cope with him having another wife and knowing she’s still there on the side especially as they’ve known each other for 4 years and she’s very keen to be with him and hasn’t found anyone else.

OP posts:
SidhuVicious · 26/10/2024 18:50

I'm Muslim. Funny how he remembers Islam and his ability to have up to 4 wives even though he's been having sexual relations before marriage with this other woman.

Indeed.

Ozanj · 26/10/2024 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2024 19:08

MeganBoo · 26/10/2024 15:08

@GrazingLamb

Thank you for checking in on me, he ended up coming back to the house and ordering food so I was able to eat in the end I think I just panicked and got anxious as he locks me in when he leaves and there’s no food in the house so I’m having to rely on him for food. He stayed at his mums house last night and he’s gonna come back today he sort of comes and goes.

He LOCKS YOU IN ?

This is abusive you're not belle and he's not the beast.

Please please call the police and DO NOT MARRY HIM

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2024 19:10

MeganBoo · 26/10/2024 15:46

@alexdgr8

The house I’m staying in is just a spare house he has that he uses to store his buisness items, his main house is at his mums with his siblings and I can’t stay there as were
not married so he can’t bring me round, therefore I’m staying in the spare house. He locks the door so nobody can come in and I don’t have a key so have to stay here waiting for him.

Please also share your location with a family or friend member- imagine if he burnt the house down none would find you

TeaMistress · 26/10/2024 19:16

I am not a Muslim OP and I have no wish to intrude and hope nobody minds me posting in this section. You are not being a burden and we want to make sure you are safe and able to get help if you need it. Are you able to contact a friend or relative to let them know that you are being locked in without food. Your "boyfriend" is abusing you, please reach out and get help. Dial 999 if you are locked in and unable to get out and are without food.

Scirocco · 26/10/2024 19:31

Assalamu alaikum sister, I'm a revert too. I'm not an alima but I have done some studying. Please, please listen to what I'm about to say.

This is not Islamic.

This is abuse.

This man is manipulating and abusing you. He is a disgrace to our faith. InshaAllah sisters and other posters can give you advice on how to get away from him, and I think you should seriously consider reporting him to the police.

InshaAllah once I've done bedtime here I'll come back and put up some links that might be helpful for you.

TakeMe2Insanity · 26/10/2024 19:35

This reply has been deleted

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Scirocco · 26/10/2024 19:47

https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/mwn-helpline#:~:text=Muslim%20Women%20Network&text=We%20have%20set%20up%20and,on%20a%20range%20of%20issues.

Muslim Women's Network Helpline

https://mwrc.org.uk/

Amina - Muslim Women's Resource Centre (based in Scotland)

https://www.nour-dv.org.uk/

Nour - domestic violence and abuse support charity

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

National domestic abuse helpline

I mentioned your situation to my husband, @MeganBoo . He said the guy's a c**t (and my DH hardly ever swears) and said he'd start bathtime for DC while I post links to you.

If you are locked in currently and can't get out, call 999!

Muslim Women Network

Muslim Women Network

https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/mwn-helpline#:~:text=Muslim%20Women%20Network&text=We%20have%20set%20up%20and,on%20a%20range%20of%20issues.

JamTartLover · 27/10/2024 01:30

OP, I hope you're okay.

@Scirocco put up some great links for support so please do get help.

Just to reiterate, this isn't Islamic and you will find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve!

qwertyasdfgzxcv · 27/10/2024 02:14
  1. Can he actually afford to support both of you?
  2. Would you be sharing a house all of you?
  3. Are you based in the U.K.? Who would be legally married to him as more than wife is bigamy and illegal in the U.K.?
  4. If you say that you do not want him to have another wife now, what is his response?
Elektra1 · 27/10/2024 08:23

I'm not Muslim but I think my answer to your post would be the same if I were. This guy - who you've been dating for a matter of weeks - is not that into you. Dump him.

Gummybear23 · 27/10/2024 08:30

MeganBoo · 26/10/2024 14:57

I made a post regarding this yesterday but thought I’d do it again in the Muslim section as really need advice and my mental health isn’t good. It’s long to explain but please give me help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 months, we’ve seen each other a lot, he’s Muslim and I’m a revert. I’m use to toxic/abusive relationships so it’s been nice being with him as he’s been treating me well up until now. I’m 24 and he’s 28.

Things have become bad as last weekend he spoke to a girl he knows about some issues in our relationship…he’s known this girl for 4 years and has been friends with benefits with her on and off for them 4 years. This girl likes him and wants to be with him however my boyfriends never felt the same way. When he spoke to her on the weekend he told her how he’s in a relationship (with me) and she got emotional and said how she loves him and wants to be with him but now she’s gotta move on. This made my boyfriend feel bad and realise he has feelings for her and dosent want her to find someone else. He asked her if she’d be ok with him having two wife’s (her and me) and she agreed as she’s desperate to be with him. Fast forward to Thursday my boyfriend came to see me and told me everything I previously said about this girl and asked if I’d be ok with him marrying me and her…since then I’ve been an emotional wreck as I don’t agree with it even though it’s accepted in Islam, I feel like it’s old fashioned and the thought of him having children with her and being romantic with her as well as me irritates me. I’m open minded in relationships and maybe would allow him to have another wife but in the far future once me and him are married not straight away and him marrying us around the same time. I asked him if he thinks we’d get along and he said yeah but she’s not like me…I’m slim due to not eating and she’s thick etc…this made me feel even more insecure and I know I’ll constantly compare myself to her, how can I compete with someone he’s known for 4 years. He stayed the night at mine and went home Friday, he asked if I wanted to come with him (never gone to his before) and I agreed as my mental healths a mess and I didn’t want to be home alone also I really do want a future with him, so I’m currently in his home town. He lives 2 hours away from me and what makes it worse is this girl lives local to him so now I’m gonna be anxious that he’s meeting her and doing stuff with her without me knowing. He already admitted to me that he’s been talking to her the whole time he’s been with me he said it was just general conversation and he hasn’t met her while I’ve been seeing him but I don’t trust him anymore and it hurts so much as I never thought he’d be like this.

He claims he gets along with me more and that he has love for this girl but loves me more and I think that bit may be true as he got into a relationship with me pretty much straight away I didn’t have to beg and he was treating me right where as this girls been having to chase him for 4 years and he’s constantly turned her down when she’s asked for a relationship. And I’m frustrated as if he wants to marry her like he’s now saying he does then why didn’t he take her seriously…why’s it taken him 4 years and being in a relationship with me for him to realise he now wants her surely he would’ve married her years ago rather then stringing her on and playing with her emotions. I feel everything from disrespected, angry, hurt, upset and it’s made my mental health so much worse it’s unfair that I’ve been dragged into this. I don’t feel special anymore as I’m doubting everything…gifts he’s got me I’m now wondering if he also got her etc even the house I’m currently staying in he’s told me she’s been here before I feel disgusted being here knowing they’ve done whatever in this house for example in the bedroom I saw candles and oil that was next to the bed which they must’ve used previously it hurts. I feel like he wants the best of both worlds and it’s unfair how he didn’t tell me the situation from the start as I didn’t know it would turn into this. I really don’t know what to do as I do have love for him and he was treating me a way I’ve never been treated before but I can’t cope with him having another wife and knowing she’s still there on the side especially as they’ve known each other for 4 years and she’s very keen to be with him and hasn’t found anyone else.

What the hell.
This is an abusive relationship.
As hard as it is is.
Stop block and move on.
You will thank me later.

This is not ISLAM.
It is the exploitation of women.

The prophet mohammed did not just marry women. There was a war on and it was done to protect the women from a society where women were being abused.

This dude is just using you.

Stop destroying your life.

Let him be with this other girl.

Tell him to sling his hook.
No talking.
He has out the bar low for you. Floor level.
Make sure you raise it to the sky.
You have one life.
Don't make it shit.

Gummybear23 · 27/10/2024 08:34

Call the police and get the hell out.

JFDIYOLO · 27/10/2024 08:35

I've just seen you've been together two months. That's DAYS. I've had pots of moisturiser longer than that.

She's the real relationship, it runs deeper and longer.

You're the extra, the third wheel, the bit in the side.

RUN.

You didn't grow up in this religion/culture and it's an alien concept for you.

You. Will. Never. Be. Happy.

There's a good decent faithful man who wants a monogamous relationship, out there.

Find him.

Scirocco · 27/10/2024 08:43

JFDIYOLO · 27/10/2024 08:35

I've just seen you've been together two months. That's DAYS. I've had pots of moisturiser longer than that.

She's the real relationship, it runs deeper and longer.

You're the extra, the third wheel, the bit in the side.

RUN.

You didn't grow up in this religion/culture and it's an alien concept for you.

You. Will. Never. Be. Happy.

There's a good decent faithful man who wants a monogamous relationship, out there.

Find him.

Edited

While I agree with the first bits and the last bit, it's entirely possible for people to come to a religion later in life rather than being born into it, and be happy and fulfilled.This man doesn't reflect all of Islam - he reflects being an abusive arsehole, and those exist in all cultures. I suspect he's partly targeting the OP because he thinks she may be vulnerable and isolated, snd thinks she's more likely to take his word for it that this is 'how it's done' - which isn't the case. I think the priority here is for the OP to get to safety - she can decide on her own relationship with faith once she's safe and had time to recover.

Skybluepinky · 27/10/2024 10:49

Get out whilst u can.

TheShellBeach · 27/10/2024 10:49

Skybluepinky · 27/10/2024 10:49

Get out whilst u can.

That'll be difficult.
He's locked her in the house and gone away.

ManUtd1234 · 27/10/2024 10:53

@MeganBoo you haven’t posted since yesterday afternoon and no one knows where you are so we can’t report this for you. Can you come back and let us know you’re physically safe?

Original poster
MeganBoo · 27/10/2024 11:09

Hi all, just to give an update I am safe, my replies went a bit quiet yesterday as he took me out for half the day and he didn’t take me back to his till early this morning, makes it harder for me to want to leave as he took me on multiple dates where he paid and it almost made me forget about this other girl and in that moment everything felt normal. Im okay and not at any harm however I’m in a very bad place mentally and feel like I’m more of a harm to myself then he is to me as my mental healths hit rock bottom, this really has tipped me off the edge after the amount of stuff I’ve been through I really didn’t need this. He said he’s gonna take me home Tuesday but I’m kinda anxious about being home as I’ll be completely by myself and isolated with my own thoughts which right now really aren’t good.He also confirmed to me yesterday that he did meet this girl while me and him have been dating but claims they didn’t have sex, he originally told me they never met, more and more lies are coming out. When I tell him I don’t agree with him having 2 wife’s off the bat and that I want him to just be with me he says “please don’t push me away” so it’s clear he won’t drop her for me I understand though as he’s known her for years and even though they were only friends with benefits he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and never planned to have children or be married but now he’s ready so wants to be with her and me and that when me and him met he didn’t think it’d turn into a relationship or he’d get along with me this much. Just really wish I knew what I was getting into. I already felt like he was tryna shape me into someone else as he’d constantly say things like “why don’t you wear more makeup”, “why don’t you wear Pakistani clothing” or “I’m gonna make you thick and help you gain weight” now it feels like the girl he was tryna shape me into may be her 😔

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/10/2024 11:12

Hi @MeganBoo I'm glad you came back to your thread.

You're focusing on the wrong thing. You're worried about him having two wives, but you ought to be worried about him keeping you locked up.

FizzyPopGal · 27/10/2024 11:14

As kindly as I can be, go home now. He doesn't love you, he will never marry you, he is using you for sex.
Taking you out of your locked room for a date is not love.

I don't know how many different people need to say this to you.

You are ignoring everyone.

You're worth more than this.

One day you're going to wake up and hate yourself for running after men who feel nothing for you rather than being a mother to your daughter.

I'm sorry if that's harsh but it's the truth.

You're choosing sex over your child.

That's all you are to him. Sex.

If you want love, real love, it's waiting for you at your mother's house.

LoudSnoringDog · 27/10/2024 11:15

Sorry can I just check? You have been together two months? Eight weeks and this shit is going on???

Growlybear83 · 27/10/2024 11:18

I'm glad to hear you are safe. But you need to get out of this relationship. As has been said previously, this man is not following his faith if he is having sex outside marriage with you or anyone else, and neither are you. If he had one shred of respect for you he would not be treating you like this - It sounds so much like he is grooming you and getting you ready for a horrendous future, and you must get away quickly. If he's locked you in again, call the police and get bell.

Growlybear83 · 27/10/2024 11:19

Sorry, thst should have been get help not bell.

Original poster
MeganBoo · 27/10/2024 11:20

@LoudSnoringDog

Yes it’s been roughly just over 2 months possibly nearly 3. Started off really good until this week when I found out about this other girl and his intentions of marrying us both.

OP posts: