Boyfriend wants 2 wifes

[MeganBoo]

I made a post regarding this yesterday but thought I’d do it again in the Muslim section as really need advice and my mental health isn’t good. It’s long to explain but please give me help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 months, we’ve seen each other a lot, he’s Muslim and I’m a revert. I’m use to toxic/abusive relationships so it’s been nice being with him as he’s been treating me well up until now. I’m 24 and he’s 28.

Things have become bad as last weekend he spoke to a girl he knows about some issues in our relationship…he’s known this girl for 4 years and has been friends with benefits with her on and off for them 4 years. This girl likes him and wants to be with him however my boyfriends never felt the same way. When he spoke to her on the weekend he told her how he’s in a relationship (with me) and she got emotional and said how she loves him and wants to be with him but now she’s gotta move on. This made my boyfriend feel bad and realise he has feelings for her and dosent want her to find someone else. He asked her if she’d be ok with him having two wife’s (her and me) and she agreed as she’s desperate to be with him. Fast forward to Thursday my boyfriend came to see me and told me everything I previously said about this girl and asked if I’d be ok with him marrying me and her…since then I’ve been an emotional wreck as I don’t agree with it even though it’s accepted in Islam, I feel like it’s old fashioned and the thought of him having children with her and being romantic with her as well as me irritates me. I’m open minded in relationships and maybe would allow him to have another wife but in the far future once me and him are married not straight away and him marrying us around the same time. I asked him if he thinks we’d get along and he said yeah but she’s not like me…I’m slim due to not eating and she’s thick etc…this made me feel even more insecure and I know I’ll constantly compare myself to her, how can I compete with someone he’s known for 4 years. He stayed the night at mine and went home Friday, he asked if I wanted to come with him (never gone to his before) and I agreed as my mental healths a mess and I didn’t want to be home alone also I really do want a future with him, so I’m currently in his home town. He lives 2 hours away from me and what makes it worse is this girl lives local to him so now I’m gonna be anxious that he’s meeting her and doing stuff with her without me knowing. He already admitted to me that he’s been talking to her the whole time he’s been with me he said it was just general conversation and he hasn’t met her while I’ve been seeing him but I don’t trust him anymore and it hurts so much as I never thought he’d be like this.

He claims he gets along with me more and that he has love for this girl but loves me more and I think that bit may be true as he got into a relationship with me pretty much straight away I didn’t have to beg and he was treating me right where as this girls been having to chase him for 4 years and he’s constantly turned her down when she’s asked for a relationship. And I’m frustrated as if he wants to marry her like he’s now saying he does then why didn’t he take her seriously…why’s it taken him 4 years and being in a relationship with me for him to realise he now wants her surely he would’ve married her years ago rather then stringing her on and playing with her emotions. I feel everything from disrespected, angry, hurt, upset and it’s made my mental health so much worse it’s unfair that I’ve been dragged into this. I don’t feel special anymore as I’m doubting everything…gifts he’s got me I’m now wondering if he also got her etc even the house I’m currently staying in he’s told me she’s been here before I feel disgusted being here knowing they’ve done whatever in this house for example in the bedroom I saw candles and oil that was next to the bed which they must’ve used previously it hurts. I feel like he wants the best of both worlds and it’s unfair how he didn’t tell me the situation from the start as I didn’t know it would turn into this. I really don’t know what to do as I do have love for him and he was treating me a way I’ve never been treated before but I can’t cope with him having another wife and knowing she’s still there on the side especially as they’ve known each other for 4 years and she’s very keen to be with him and hasn’t found anyone else.

@MeganBoo kindly and with respect. Dump this abusive piece of shit.

@MeganBoo after a few weeks you should still be getting to know each other and living separately as you barely know him. Talk of marriage is far too quick too soon.

And all of this is ignoring the fact that this man is controlling you to the point where you can't leave and go home. You are not better off with him, you need to be safe and away from him and then get some urgent mental health support.

This man knows you are mentally unwell and is using that to his advantage.
He knows that any woman who was in a good head space wouldn't entertain that talks of marriage, polygamy and being locked in a room.
He is with you because you are easy to manipulate and control.
Not because he likes you.

@SilenceInside

Thank you for the support, when I’m home it’ll be hard but I really am gonna try to distance myself from him. I just don’t know what to do anymore been through a lot in life and this years been terrible from the start…I have a mental health nurse who visits weekly but she just sort of comes to check im eating and it dosent get much deeper then that. I don’t want to die as nobody does it’s just I want this intense mental pain I feel every day to go away.

I can’t even cry anymore I feel like I’ve become numb…I have so much emotions right now that I wanna let out have a good cry about but it just won’t happen

I'm not Muslim, but from a Muslim country where Muslim men are allowed up to 4 wives. That doesn't mean abuse or shagging around like he is!
First of all, as PP have pointed out no sex before marriage. But also, he not only needs the permission of the first wife for any subsequent ones but also has to treat them equally. He has to buy each one of them a house and a car for example of equal value (if he and his first wife have a house and car together). He has to pay for holidays etc also equally otherwise woman can take him to shariah court.

That's why even there most people only have one wife. Only rich people can afford it.

Please don't put up with this BS.

Also Islam says you should follow the law of the land and polygamy is illegal in the UK.

I think contacting the charity Women's Aid or one of the Muslim women's charities mentioned up thread could be an idea. Perhaps also when you see the mental health nurse next you could talk to her about not feeling like you're getting enough support and see if she can make any further referrals or any other support.

OP please, please don’t see this man as a solution. He’s using you.
If he really cared for your mental health he’d take you home.
I know it’s frightening being on your own but you will never recover if you stay with this man.
The path to recovery lies in reconnecting with your mum and your daughter.
You are not well enough to be in a relationship.
Focusing your mind on this man and this girl is a waste of your time. He already has a girlfriend of four years.

You're with him 2 months and he's locking you in a house, what happens if there's a fire? He's talking about marrying 2 people just to keep one who's attracted to him happy.

You're still in an abusive relationship, you need to phone the police to get you out and leave him permanently, stay single and work on your mental health before dating again.

@MeganBoo It can be so hard to see what is happening when it's you who is at the centre of things, but you really must see this man for what he is. Apologies if I've missed it, but is there much of an age difference between you? How long do you think it will be before he brings one of his friends round to the house that he's locked you into, and asks you to be 'nice' to the friend ?

It's good thst you're getting weekly visits from your mental health nurse and I think you should try to open up to her about how this man is abusing and controlling you.

You should talk to your mental health nurse, she will help you.

Write her a letter if you feel like you can't say it all outloud.

You can get away from this situation.

@Growlybear83

Hes 28 and I’m 24, thought he may be good for me as I normally attract younger guys who I have to mother but clearly age dosent mean anything as he’s even worse. I honestly don’t think he’d try to traffic me or invite guys round like that but as you said I’m in the centre of it so I have no idea. I’ll definitely talk to her about it when I next see her although at this point I think I definitely need therapy as there’s so much I wanna get off my chest.

Ask him to leave the key so you can stroll round block. Exercise is good for mental health x

@MeganBoo you need to leave him as soon as possible. He's manipulating you, lying to you, imprisoning you and abusing you. You shouldn't be grateful that he took you out of the house he locked you up in.

You do not need to change who you are for any man. You don't need to wear make-up if you don't want to. You don't have to wear clothing from any particular culture or trend. You certainly don't have to change your body or accept this kind of sh*t treatment.

A decent man, of any faith or culture, would not target, isolate and manipulate a vulnerable woman. This is not a decent man.

Please, please get out of this 'relationship' while you can. Your child needs their mum. Your mum needs her daughter. And you need to be able to heal and recover, away from this man.

I suspect it's to keep his penis happy.

OP, You said in an earlier post that you're a revert, so you have clearly studied Islam in some depth to have made that decision. Doesn't this make you realise that the way you're being treated goes against all the fundamentals of your religion?

Wtf, your his slave, maybe he will send his friends round next

I'll ignore the scary, crazy kidnapping boyfriend who you've only been going out with for just 2 months he is barely a boyfriend let alone considering polygamy ad an open relationship you clearly don't want. Nor changing your identity to match his ideals. Whilst I am not Muslim this screams 'abusive man' rather than kind, caring devout man.

You don't have time or the emotional energy to be in a relationship at all. I suspect you invite the drama so that you don't have to deal with other things in your life. He is not good for you.

You need to contact women's aid and do do some real work on yourself to build up your self esteem, work on your MH and deal with your previous trauma. You need to learn how to be happy alone, then and only then should you pursue a relationship.Someone mentioned you having a four year old, you need to prioritise her and if you don't currently have residency of her you need to make yourself emotionally well and robust so you can rebuild that bond.

By all means find support in your religion and other women of your faith but no religion should require women to be subservient and agree to things 'just because that's how we do things'. Your thoughts, feelings, wants and needs matter too.

As a Muslim, every bit of this.

This man is abusing you. There is no space whatsoever for abuse in a marital relationship in Islam.

The tenets of a Muslim marriage are mutual support, respect, tenderness, compassion. This man is an abuser and his attempts to pretend his religion justify this should be rejected by you immediately.

He’s locked you in the house. Imagine you had a daughter and she said to you, “I went to visit my boyfriend and he locks me in the house with no food and then just pops in and out”. You would call the police. He’s an abuser and you need to just leave. Call the police.

Oh my god. I thought you were being sarcastic, as in, "Is the only reason you haven't walked away from this relationship yet because he has physically locked you up?"

But from the replies it appears he did actually do this.

@MeganBoo If you aren't currently trapped in his house, send him a message saying your relationship is over, then block his number and never contact him again. If you are currently trapped in his house then call the police and ask them to come and break down the door. I can't believe what I have just read. His wanting two wives is really not the issue here. He is a dangerous abuser and you need to get far away from him right now.

For the last 48 hours we have been encouraging the OP to call the police but it’s clearly not going to happen.

If you feel unable to phone the police, you can text 999. Please never allow yourself to be locked in. It’s really dangerous, not just because of fire, gas leaks, flooding, multiple scenarios can endanger your life.

Here is how to use the text 999 service: it takes a moment to register:
https://www.sevensistersprimary.co.uk/texting-999/#:~:text=Did%20you%20know%20about%20texting,fear%20being%20heard%20or%20retaliation.

My love, I’m going to put this very simply. He is an extremely bad man. He is not good for you. Leave him. Walk away.