Boyfriend wants 2 wifes

[MeganBoo]

I made a post regarding this yesterday but thought I’d do it again in the Muslim section as really need advice and my mental health isn’t good. It’s long to explain but please give me help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 months, we’ve seen each other a lot, he’s Muslim and I’m a revert. I’m use to toxic/abusive relationships so it’s been nice being with him as he’s been treating me well up until now. I’m 24 and he’s 28.

Things have become bad as last weekend he spoke to a girl he knows about some issues in our relationship…he’s known this girl for 4 years and has been friends with benefits with her on and off for them 4 years. This girl likes him and wants to be with him however my boyfriends never felt the same way. When he spoke to her on the weekend he told her how he’s in a relationship (with me) and she got emotional and said how she loves him and wants to be with him but now she’s gotta move on. This made my boyfriend feel bad and realise he has feelings for her and dosent want her to find someone else. He asked her if she’d be ok with him having two wife’s (her and me) and she agreed as she’s desperate to be with him. Fast forward to Thursday my boyfriend came to see me and told me everything I previously said about this girl and asked if I’d be ok with him marrying me and her…since then I’ve been an emotional wreck as I don’t agree with it even though it’s accepted in Islam, I feel like it’s old fashioned and the thought of him having children with her and being romantic with her as well as me irritates me. I’m open minded in relationships and maybe would allow him to have another wife but in the far future once me and him are married not straight away and him marrying us around the same time. I asked him if he thinks we’d get along and he said yeah but she’s not like me…I’m slim due to not eating and she’s thick etc…this made me feel even more insecure and I know I’ll constantly compare myself to her, how can I compete with someone he’s known for 4 years. He stayed the night at mine and went home Friday, he asked if I wanted to come with him (never gone to his before) and I agreed as my mental healths a mess and I didn’t want to be home alone also I really do want a future with him, so I’m currently in his home town. He lives 2 hours away from me and what makes it worse is this girl lives local to him so now I’m gonna be anxious that he’s meeting her and doing stuff with her without me knowing. He already admitted to me that he’s been talking to her the whole time he’s been with me he said it was just general conversation and he hasn’t met her while I’ve been seeing him but I don’t trust him anymore and it hurts so much as I never thought he’d be like this.

He claims he gets along with me more and that he has love for this girl but loves me more and I think that bit may be true as he got into a relationship with me pretty much straight away I didn’t have to beg and he was treating me right where as this girls been having to chase him for 4 years and he’s constantly turned her down when she’s asked for a relationship. And I’m frustrated as if he wants to marry her like he’s now saying he does then why didn’t he take her seriously…why’s it taken him 4 years and being in a relationship with me for him to realise he now wants her surely he would’ve married her years ago rather then stringing her on and playing with her emotions. I feel everything from disrespected, angry, hurt, upset and it’s made my mental health so much worse it’s unfair that I’ve been dragged into this. I don’t feel special anymore as I’m doubting everything…gifts he’s got me I’m now wondering if he also got her etc even the house I’m currently staying in he’s told me she’s been here before I feel disgusted being here knowing they’ve done whatever in this house for example in the bedroom I saw candles and oil that was next to the bed which they must’ve used previously it hurts. I feel like he wants the best of both worlds and it’s unfair how he didn’t tell me the situation from the start as I didn’t know it would turn into this. I really don’t know what to do as I do have love for him and he was treating me a way I’ve never been treated before but I can’t cope with him having another wife and knowing she’s still there on the side especially as they’ve known each other for 4 years and she’s very keen to be with him and hasn’t found anyone else.

Follow Scirocco's advice; Now. Leaving is a risky time. I'm not Muslim, but you have my prayers.

@mumstheword223

No matter what I keep tryna see the good in him and tell myself things like…if he wasn’t serious about me and just wants this other girl then why would he continuously drive 2 hours to see me and 2 hours back home when this other girl lives local to him and he could just see her without the hassle of having to come see me, not many guys would keep travelling a total of 4 hours for a girl. I genuinely think he’s serious about the 2 wives thing and he genuinely would marry us both but obviously it’s not something I’d really want. Alhamdulillah I’m proud to be a revert and I’m hoping to become closer to Allah and start praying. Just don’t have the strength to deal with situations like this. I definitely think if I had friends it’d be easier as then I wouldn’t rely on a man to go out with and talk to, I could do that with friends instead. Thank you for your constant support, means a lot

Stop trying to see good in him. Whether there's any or not can be left between him and Allah - it's not your problem. And stop even considering how many wives you want him to have - trust me that if he's treating you the way you describe then you really don't want to have any contact with him, marriage or no marriage.

Focus on getting yourself the help you need.

@TheShellBeach

Thank you for the support, we weren’t using contraception (just pull out method), I’m on my period now so luckily not pregnant and don’t need to worry about that.

Get contraception and take a pregnancy test anyway - a bleed isn't a 100% guarantee of not being pregnant.

Alhamdulilah thats good to hear you are home.

Please call anyone and get the ring removed. He shouldn’t be watching your bedroom etc. Its not normal its warped. This is even more proof that his intentions towards you aren’t halal/honourable/normal.

There are a thousand ways to get closer to Allah(swt) and none of them include him. View him as your personal jihad (struggle ) you need to get rid of him and honestly we are all here for you but you need get him away from you.

This

You also need to get tested for STIs.
Please OP listen to the ladies here. Is there any way you could meet with Muslim ladies where you live, who can take you into their circle and offer support?

@PeggyMitchellsCameo

Unfortunately I live in a small town where it’s not multi cultural (predominantly white) and there’s no mosques etc I don’t really see other Muslims here so don’t have any Muslim friends.

Please contact a women’s shelter and ask for help.

I am glad you are safe.
The Ring needs to be removed.

I suspect he drives two hours to see you because he likes being controlling, and you are probably the closest vulnerable woman he knows. He's controlling you by spying on you, telling you to change your makeup, clothing and weight, imprisoning you, not repaying a large sum of money.

The fact that he is Muslim is irrelevant, he is an unpleasant and potentially dangerous man.
Please do not go to his hometown again.
Slightly flippantly, how can he afford to treat two wives equally if he's borrowed £200 from you?

This sounds brilliant advice, viewing him as your personal struggle.

And truly - you won't get the £200 back.

You could have spent that on your daughter.

@MeganBoo Have a follow of soundous boualam on instagram she was in a toxic relationship and gives a lot of advice on tiny steps to find your way to the sira-ul-mustqeen (straight path).

You won’t get the £200 back so might as well write that off. Take the camera down and delete him from your phone and life.

honestly the last thing you need in your life is men/dating. That should only come when you are ready and in a secure and healthy mindset which you are a long way from.

you should be focusing on your child, your personal wellbeing, your growing relationship with Allah and your faith community. Stop looking for a man to absorb yourself in and forget your problems, only you can help yourself.

if you have a CPN you must be under a secondary care CMHT. Are you waiting for psychological therapies or can you be put forward for this? Ask your CPN and tell them about the camera and what happened with this man.

He drives 2 hours to see you because, to put it bluntly, he's getting sex. He knows you are going to comply so it's worth it.

Listen to all the wise words here. I know how it’s so easy to have such a low self opinion that any man looking at you seems like something you want to cling to.

Do you have family? You say there isn’t a mosque near you but is there one in another nearby town? Look for a Muslim women’s group. They will help.

If not, as said above, go to your GP, your sexual health clinic, a pharmacy even. Ask for a private consultation and tell them everything.

This

Blimey what a worrying thread. So much wrong with this man I can't even begin! I hope you're listening to the wise women here OP.

I barely have any friends, certainly none I see for company. My daughter is my bestest friend.

You aren't putting others' needs before your own as you are putting your want for a relationship above your daughter.

OP do you see your daughter.
How do you get on with your mother.
Can you hang some clothing over that camera so that he cannot be prying into your room.
Block him on your phone.
Do not communicate with him.
Can you contact your GP or 111 and ask for help.
You need to forget about him and concentrate on your own health.
You took a wrong turning but you can get back on track.
We all wish the very best for you.
Please keep posting.

@MeganBoo I've just had a different thought - you say you don't/can't eat much?

I have a chronic physical illness, where my oesophagus and stomach don't communicate, food doesn't reliably get through. I had a successful operation just over a year ago to make it easier for food to go into my stomach. Within a few weeks, I felt so much better physically and mentally. My self-esteem improved too.

I'm wondering if perhaps you can get help with your nutrition, it could help you feel well enough to move forwards?

I still have blips, I have Fortisip (mocha as they for me are the least sweet!) drinks, a meal replacement, as a backup for the days I have difficulty. Ensure and Huel are others, some are in supermarkets. I think mine are vegetarian.

Wishing you well

I think this is all excellent advice.

Hanging stuff over the camera is a brilliant idea,.

Harsh truths right here 💯