Boyfriend wants 2 wifes

[MeganBoo]

I made a post regarding this yesterday but thought I’d do it again in the Muslim section as really need advice and my mental health isn’t good. It’s long to explain but please give me help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 months, we’ve seen each other a lot, he’s Muslim and I’m a revert. I’m use to toxic/abusive relationships so it’s been nice being with him as he’s been treating me well up until now. I’m 24 and he’s 28.

Things have become bad as last weekend he spoke to a girl he knows about some issues in our relationship…he’s known this girl for 4 years and has been friends with benefits with her on and off for them 4 years. This girl likes him and wants to be with him however my boyfriends never felt the same way. When he spoke to her on the weekend he told her how he’s in a relationship (with me) and she got emotional and said how she loves him and wants to be with him but now she’s gotta move on. This made my boyfriend feel bad and realise he has feelings for her and dosent want her to find someone else. He asked her if she’d be ok with him having two wife’s (her and me) and she agreed as she’s desperate to be with him. Fast forward to Thursday my boyfriend came to see me and told me everything I previously said about this girl and asked if I’d be ok with him marrying me and her…since then I’ve been an emotional wreck as I don’t agree with it even though it’s accepted in Islam, I feel like it’s old fashioned and the thought of him having children with her and being romantic with her as well as me irritates me. I’m open minded in relationships and maybe would allow him to have another wife but in the far future once me and him are married not straight away and him marrying us around the same time. I asked him if he thinks we’d get along and he said yeah but she’s not like me…I’m slim due to not eating and she’s thick etc…this made me feel even more insecure and I know I’ll constantly compare myself to her, how can I compete with someone he’s known for 4 years. He stayed the night at mine and went home Friday, he asked if I wanted to come with him (never gone to his before) and I agreed as my mental healths a mess and I didn’t want to be home alone also I really do want a future with him, so I’m currently in his home town. He lives 2 hours away from me and what makes it worse is this girl lives local to him so now I’m gonna be anxious that he’s meeting her and doing stuff with her without me knowing. He already admitted to me that he’s been talking to her the whole time he’s been with me he said it was just general conversation and he hasn’t met her while I’ve been seeing him but I don’t trust him anymore and it hurts so much as I never thought he’d be like this.

He claims he gets along with me more and that he has love for this girl but loves me more and I think that bit may be true as he got into a relationship with me pretty much straight away I didn’t have to beg and he was treating me right where as this girls been having to chase him for 4 years and he’s constantly turned her down when she’s asked for a relationship. And I’m frustrated as if he wants to marry her like he’s now saying he does then why didn’t he take her seriously…why’s it taken him 4 years and being in a relationship with me for him to realise he now wants her surely he would’ve married her years ago rather then stringing her on and playing with her emotions. I feel everything from disrespected, angry, hurt, upset and it’s made my mental health so much worse it’s unfair that I’ve been dragged into this. I don’t feel special anymore as I’m doubting everything…gifts he’s got me I’m now wondering if he also got her etc even the house I’m currently staying in he’s told me she’s been here before I feel disgusted being here knowing they’ve done whatever in this house for example in the bedroom I saw candles and oil that was next to the bed which they must’ve used previously it hurts. I feel like he wants the best of both worlds and it’s unfair how he didn’t tell me the situation from the start as I didn’t know it would turn into this. I really don’t know what to do as I do have love for him and he was treating me a way I’ve never been treated before but I can’t cope with him having another wife and knowing she’s still there on the side especially as they’ve known each other for 4 years and she’s very keen to be with him and hasn’t found anyone else.

Run! Run away as fast as you can and never look back! This will not make you happy! You are only 24 you have plenty of time to meet someone and settle down, don’t settle for this man you’ll regret everything.

I can't help but feel horrified reading your post. You're a woman, and you're young, you've written this post, you have everything going for you. Time to be even braver. Far better to be alone than with someone like that. You'd feel awful always and never be treated the way you should. Remove yourself and give yourself other things to do, treat yourself to some fun workshops, but seriously, you need to get out of that situation. Nothing good would ever come out of that. You are the priority to yourself, never compromise your mental health, which ultimately will affect your physical health.

I read your thread last night.
Are you still locked in to the room he left you in ?

Saying the same as I said yesterday, you need to end this relationship.

You have stated on previous threads that you have mental health problems, you have 3 previous abusive relationships, are only 24 yo, you have a 4 yo daughter who is currently cared for by your mother.

The very last thing you need right now is any form of romantic relationship, but especially not with a man who is seeing another woman and wants you to be ok with it, who would take you to his home town 2 hrs away from your home, abandon you locked inside his dilapidated and unused house, with no food or ability to exit, while he goes to his mums for food and a chill.

For the sake of your daughter if not can't do things for your own good, you need to go home, sort yourself out, seek help for your mental health problems and leave this man to ruin someone else's life.

Has he been back to give you food? Are you able to get out?

You'll get the same replies you got yesterday hon, even though you've left out some very relevant information. He is not a good man, this is not a good situation and you need to get very far away x

@GrazingLamb

Thank you for checking in on me, he ended up coming back to the house and ordering food so I was able to eat in the end I think I just panicked and got anxious as he locks me in when he leaves and there’s no food in the house so I’m having to rely on him for food. He stayed at his mums house last night and he’s gonna come back today he sort of comes and goes.

@Skate76

Just wanted to post it in the Muslim section as wanted to see what the Islamic views on this are. But I know deep down what I should do just hard for me to actually do it x

If he's locking you in while he comes and goes, you're being held hostage. You need to dial 999. If you don't know where you are, you can find your location on Google maps.

he locks me in when he leaves and there’s no food in the house so I’m having to rely on him for food.

That is such abusive behaviour.
You have to get away.

I'm just glad to hear you're alive, I was really upset and worried about you.
So hoping you listen to the wise women on Muslimmumsnet.

Hi,

I read your post yesterday but didn't want to write a response as I didn't want to read the full thread. Thanks for posting on Muslim Mumsnetters!

As a Muslim, I wouldn't accept this. Your value is worth far more than accepting a man who can't choose between two women. This could happen again and again!

Personally, (and I say this with complete kindness) you should probably stay single and work on your mental health as I would hate for someone to take advantage (which it sounds like he's doing).

There are some horrible men but also some great ones in this world. I pray that you find a great one!😊

Edited to say: there is no Islamic basis to what he is doing. Please don't let him convince you otherwise!

Please don't allow him to lock you in again. Next time he comes tell him you want to get something from a shop, feminine products should do it. Tell someone in the shop you need help.
Or call 101, email the police, call 999.
This is not about 2 wives my lovely, this is about a potentially dangerous situation. Please listen 🙏

You're still be locked in call the police.Come on this is crazy.Please tell someone you know where you are, even if it's your mother who sounds unkind.

I would sincerely hope that someone's religion would not affect how they advise someone who is vulnerable and being abusing by a man they barely know.

Please call the police if you can't get out of the flat and leave to go home to your own address.

Women's Aid is a great place to start to get support for being in an abusive and controlling relationship.

Op, you've obviously got a phone, please call the police.

He’s locking you in, seriously this is beyond controlling, you need to get out and you need to report him. If you can’t get out call 999

there’s no should you or shouldn’t you just get out and get away. How you can even think about staying with him, under any conditions, you need away and quickly

Surely if this is really something can be done to get her out

You’ve posted before about having a four year old child. What does s/he do when you’re locked up

Sorry to all of those who have been concerned. I know deep down what I should do and everything everyone’s saying I agree with but as someone who’s been in abusive relationships and has bad mental health it’s extremely hard to get out of them and it’s not as easy. I don’t feel like I need to call police as I’m here under my own will and if I asked him if I can go home he’d take me just not the best situation due to no food in the house so I cant eat unless he gets me food and I can’t get out unless he lets me so relying on him. But please don’t be alarmed I will make it back home safely and I’ll do a new post to let everyone know once I’m home. I hope I will distance myself from him and cut him off I know I need time to work on myself just easier said then done for me. Thank you all.

I’m going to delete this post as don’t want to cause any alarm or concern I don’t want to be a burden. Just posted again as was advised to post in the Muslim section.

I am not a Muslim, but I have plenty of Muslim friends and I know that, without exception, they would tell you to get out of this awful abusive relationship. There is nothing in Islam that means you have to tolerate this kind of behaviour.

This man doesn't love you and he is not treating you well. Please get out of the relationship and get yourself some help...it sounds like you are very vulnerable.

@MeganBoo if you have to ask someone else to be able to leave then you are not there under your own will. You might have gone there originally with consent, but you didn't agree to be held there and unable to leave. That's a crime, it's false imprisonment.

So are you free to leave now? Where is your child?

You need to contact Womens Aid asap.

So this man is having relationships and sex outside of marriage but he wants two wives because islam allows it?
This is not normal behaviour a devout Muslim man would never do that to you please do not degrade yourself step away from this relationship