Boyfriend wants 2 wifes

[MeganBoo]

I made a post regarding this yesterday but thought I’d do it again in the Muslim section as really need advice and my mental health isn’t good. It’s long to explain but please give me help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 months, we’ve seen each other a lot, he’s Muslim and I’m a revert. I’m use to toxic/abusive relationships so it’s been nice being with him as he’s been treating me well up until now. I’m 24 and he’s 28.

Things have become bad as last weekend he spoke to a girl he knows about some issues in our relationship…he’s known this girl for 4 years and has been friends with benefits with her on and off for them 4 years. This girl likes him and wants to be with him however my boyfriends never felt the same way. When he spoke to her on the weekend he told her how he’s in a relationship (with me) and she got emotional and said how she loves him and wants to be with him but now she’s gotta move on. This made my boyfriend feel bad and realise he has feelings for her and dosent want her to find someone else. He asked her if she’d be ok with him having two wife’s (her and me) and she agreed as she’s desperate to be with him. Fast forward to Thursday my boyfriend came to see me and told me everything I previously said about this girl and asked if I’d be ok with him marrying me and her…since then I’ve been an emotional wreck as I don’t agree with it even though it’s accepted in Islam, I feel like it’s old fashioned and the thought of him having children with her and being romantic with her as well as me irritates me. I’m open minded in relationships and maybe would allow him to have another wife but in the far future once me and him are married not straight away and him marrying us around the same time. I asked him if he thinks we’d get along and he said yeah but she’s not like me…I’m slim due to not eating and she’s thick etc…this made me feel even more insecure and I know I’ll constantly compare myself to her, how can I compete with someone he’s known for 4 years. He stayed the night at mine and went home Friday, he asked if I wanted to come with him (never gone to his before) and I agreed as my mental healths a mess and I didn’t want to be home alone also I really do want a future with him, so I’m currently in his home town. He lives 2 hours away from me and what makes it worse is this girl lives local to him so now I’m gonna be anxious that he’s meeting her and doing stuff with her without me knowing. He already admitted to me that he’s been talking to her the whole time he’s been with me he said it was just general conversation and he hasn’t met her while I’ve been seeing him but I don’t trust him anymore and it hurts so much as I never thought he’d be like this.

He claims he gets along with me more and that he has love for this girl but loves me more and I think that bit may be true as he got into a relationship with me pretty much straight away I didn’t have to beg and he was treating me right where as this girls been having to chase him for 4 years and he’s constantly turned her down when she’s asked for a relationship. And I’m frustrated as if he wants to marry her like he’s now saying he does then why didn’t he take her seriously…why’s it taken him 4 years and being in a relationship with me for him to realise he now wants her surely he would’ve married her years ago rather then stringing her on and playing with her emotions. I feel everything from disrespected, angry, hurt, upset and it’s made my mental health so much worse it’s unfair that I’ve been dragged into this. I don’t feel special anymore as I’m doubting everything…gifts he’s got me I’m now wondering if he also got her etc even the house I’m currently staying in he’s told me she’s been here before I feel disgusted being here knowing they’ve done whatever in this house for example in the bedroom I saw candles and oil that was next to the bed which they must’ve used previously it hurts. I feel like he wants the best of both worlds and it’s unfair how he didn’t tell me the situation from the start as I didn’t know it would turn into this. I really don’t know what to do as I do have love for him and he was treating me a way I’ve never been treated before but I can’t cope with him having another wife and knowing she’s still there on the side especially as they’ve known each other for 4 years and she’s very keen to be with him and hasn’t found anyone else.

Hi all, just an update for those of you who may have been worried, I’m home now and I’m safe

Glad you're home and are safe.Hope you'll take the advise from this forum.Keep talking to.Mumsnet if you need to.

Glad you are home.

Please do not see this man again, he is abusive.

That’s great news!

Good. I’m so pleased you are safe. Please take advice from the wise women, who are telling you this man doesn’t have your interests at heart.

Alhamdulillah. Do you want to talk about it?

I would leave.

He locks you in? He sleeps with other women? He is abusive. Please call the Police. If you can't physically leave he is holding you against your will. What if there was a fire? Leave him. Speak to Women's Aid. Do the Freedom Programme. You are worth so much more than this evil, controlling man.

So pleased you are home and safe ❤️

I've been worrying about you all night, OP! I'm so glad you're away from him!

Maybe confide in a sensible friend who will help you break the ties with him? He's not a nice person. It's better to be single for a bit than to be with someone who treats you like this. Don't let him! Best wishes.

@Scirocco

Thank you, I do wanna talk about it as I genuinely have no friends so not really much support or anyone I can confide in I wish I was having therapy or something as I’m really struggling right now.

Honestly, thank you all for being so concerned and supportive, it’s nice to feel like I matter and that people care. I haven’t yet told him I’m ending it…if I’m honest with you guys yesterday he put a ring doorbell camera thing in my bedroom so he can watch me as he lives far and so he can “make sure I’m okay” and I guess “not inviting guys round”. So now he can see everything I do in my room. He also wanted to set his iCloud up on my phone I think so he’d be able to see what I’m searching and doing on my phone (not sure) he didn’t do it in the end but now I feel paranoid that he can see everything I’m doing was even worried to post this in case he can see. He currently owes me £200 that he was due to give me back and I’m still waiting on. I woke up today feeling like shit (excuse my language) sorry if it’s a bit sensitive but I feel extremely suicidal and depressed I have no motivation for anything I felt like this previously but this situations made it worse…I’ve not been sleeping properly, I have no motivation to eat and I’m already underweight and need to gain weight, I wake up crying and having anxiety attacks and so much more. This really is too much for me to cope with I’m extremely vulnerable and my mental state is gonna be the death of me.

OP you may be home but you are not safe.
This spying on you is really, really dangerous.
I wish I was a mental health professional with a great behind me to swoop in and help you but I’m not.
This man is dangerous.
He has a relationship with another woman.
He knows you are ill and not eating and his only concern is that you might be having men in your room?
Please speak to your mental health nurse this week and tell her what’s been happening.

He's spying on you? Sis please can you take our advice and tell him you are ending the relationship. It's the first step to feeling better. What's holding you back from ending it?

I just noticed he owes you money.
You mustn’t have much to start with.
Please OP I know it’s tough and you are so low but you need to do something.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo

I was thinking to call my mental health clinic today and request therapy, the mental health nurse who sees me I don’t have the greatest connection with she just asks how I am and if I’ve eaten and it dosent get much deeper then that. But i definitely need support and I’m willing to get support as I can deal with all of this and hold it all inside. You replying and being supportive has been enough help, thank you so much.

@mumstheword223

I don’t know what’s holding me back as I know I should end it and one day I’ll find someone who’ll treat me right, in this situation I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m like the piece on the side in a sense as this other girls been the main one. I’ve always struggled when it comes to relationships and I never really have a break and stay single I guess as I have no friends having a partner is the only company I’ll have and I always feel the need to be loved and valid and put others needs before myself and put up with their bs due to past trauma. Even though this guys turned out to be nasty he was originally treating me a way no guys ever treated me and I still have feelings, it’s really hard to walk away.

I understand. I think he's the type who will try his best to keep you sweet if you say you want to end it which will make you change your mind?

Please consider me a friend, a sister or whatever you like if it means you are able to speak freely without judgement.

These moments of love and happiness he gives you is fake. Like you say, he has used you and the other woman is likely to be his wife. He's led you on and then fed you a story about 2 wives, this was never going to be acceptable to you and he knows it.. he'll make you think that you are the problem. He's a narcissist.

Take our advice and end it. As your Muslim sister, please also pray and make dua to Allah. He is the best of planners. You are revert and that is an amazing thing in itself.. you should be proud of yourself. When you let go off bad things for the sake of Allah, you will be abundantly rewarded for it. I promise.

I am also your friend @MeganBoo and I hope you'll go to the police and ask them to help you remove the Ring doorbell and check your phone for anything he's put on it which can either track you or tell him what you write online.

Sister, this man is very dangerous. I escaped from a bad man, many years ago.

You're not happy and you're in danger. Learn to love yourself and start looking after your little girl more. You need to make good choices before they'll let you have her back.

Please tell me you're on contraception. You don't need yet another pregnancy now.

Did the man use condoms? Or is he deliberately trying to get you pregnant?

I would forget about the money. You'll never see that again.

I'm not Muslim but there's plenty of decent Muslim men who recognise that having multiple wives is not acceptable. This is the 21st century.
The marriage may well not be legal, which would give you little support when/if you split up.
It's not acceptable to me as a woman. My faith wouldn't change my views on it either. If I had one.

Oh, @MeganBoo this just keeps getting worse.

If you're concerned about your devices being compromised and that you aren't safe at home, please say Bismillah and do the following:

Leave the house in a completely normal-appearing way. Take with you a list of your important details, like your mental health team's number. Lock the door normally.

Walk out the house normally. Once you're in public, where other people are, turn off any location sharing and then turn your phone off. Walk only in public, main routes and head towards your town centre.

Go into the first pharmacy, health centre or police station you can see.

Tell the first staff member that you see that you need help - you are a victim of domestic abuse and have fled your home due to realising that you are at risk of harm.

Pharmacies and health services often have pathways to get people in such situations to the services they need, employ trained professionals with official registration and safety checks, and if nothing else can give you a phone and a safe space to contact 999.

Police can then help you access the assessments and support you need.

You need to phone the police. This behaviour is abusive, they will take it seriously.
He’s a shitty human and a shitty Muslim, who is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

Run as fast and far away as you can from this one.

Muslims are not supposed to have girlfriends/boyfriends before marriage so he isn't following his religion properly as it is.

Don't fall for his rubbish that two wives are allowed, he is wrong to be in relationships with either of you.

Men like this treat you nice and right initially to reel you in. They can often see how vulnerable you are from the start. They show their true personalities once you are caught in the trap.

End it with him and try and stay single for a while if you can. Work on self-improvement to build your esteem and confidence so you don't end up in relationships with men like this again.

Maybe in time you will meet a truly decent person. But this man will ruin you.