Boyfriend wants 2 wifes

[MeganBoo]

I made a post regarding this yesterday but thought I’d do it again in the Muslim section as really need advice and my mental health isn’t good. It’s long to explain but please give me help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 months, we’ve seen each other a lot, he’s Muslim and I’m a revert. I’m use to toxic/abusive relationships so it’s been nice being with him as he’s been treating me well up until now. I’m 24 and he’s 28.

Things have become bad as last weekend he spoke to a girl he knows about some issues in our relationship…he’s known this girl for 4 years and has been friends with benefits with her on and off for them 4 years. This girl likes him and wants to be with him however my boyfriends never felt the same way. When he spoke to her on the weekend he told her how he’s in a relationship (with me) and she got emotional and said how she loves him and wants to be with him but now she’s gotta move on. This made my boyfriend feel bad and realise he has feelings for her and dosent want her to find someone else. He asked her if she’d be ok with him having two wife’s (her and me) and she agreed as she’s desperate to be with him. Fast forward to Thursday my boyfriend came to see me and told me everything I previously said about this girl and asked if I’d be ok with him marrying me and her…since then I’ve been an emotional wreck as I don’t agree with it even though it’s accepted in Islam, I feel like it’s old fashioned and the thought of him having children with her and being romantic with her as well as me irritates me. I’m open minded in relationships and maybe would allow him to have another wife but in the far future once me and him are married not straight away and him marrying us around the same time. I asked him if he thinks we’d get along and he said yeah but she’s not like me…I’m slim due to not eating and she’s thick etc…this made me feel even more insecure and I know I’ll constantly compare myself to her, how can I compete with someone he’s known for 4 years. He stayed the night at mine and went home Friday, he asked if I wanted to come with him (never gone to his before) and I agreed as my mental healths a mess and I didn’t want to be home alone also I really do want a future with him, so I’m currently in his home town. He lives 2 hours away from me and what makes it worse is this girl lives local to him so now I’m gonna be anxious that he’s meeting her and doing stuff with her without me knowing. He already admitted to me that he’s been talking to her the whole time he’s been with me he said it was just general conversation and he hasn’t met her while I’ve been seeing him but I don’t trust him anymore and it hurts so much as I never thought he’d be like this.

He claims he gets along with me more and that he has love for this girl but loves me more and I think that bit may be true as he got into a relationship with me pretty much straight away I didn’t have to beg and he was treating me right where as this girls been having to chase him for 4 years and he’s constantly turned her down when she’s asked for a relationship. And I’m frustrated as if he wants to marry her like he’s now saying he does then why didn’t he take her seriously…why’s it taken him 4 years and being in a relationship with me for him to realise he now wants her surely he would’ve married her years ago rather then stringing her on and playing with her emotions. I feel everything from disrespected, angry, hurt, upset and it’s made my mental health so much worse it’s unfair that I’ve been dragged into this. I don’t feel special anymore as I’m doubting everything…gifts he’s got me I’m now wondering if he also got her etc even the house I’m currently staying in he’s told me she’s been here before I feel disgusted being here knowing they’ve done whatever in this house for example in the bedroom I saw candles and oil that was next to the bed which they must’ve used previously it hurts. I feel like he wants the best of both worlds and it’s unfair how he didn’t tell me the situation from the start as I didn’t know it would turn into this. I really don’t know what to do as I do have love for him and he was treating me a way I’ve never been treated before but I can’t cope with him having another wife and knowing she’s still there on the side especially as they’ve known each other for 4 years and she’s very keen to be with him and hasn’t found anyone else.

The child OP, your child, where are they?
You understand how worrying this is? This is a major safeguarding issue, not just for you, but for your child.

He could have taken you shopping.

he should leave you with the key. What if there is a fire or you are injured?

whatever window dressing he uses to justify polyamory, in this case religion, it will still leave you vulnerable. There are rare women who have the emotional fortitude and financial independence to handle that setup. You have a history of abusive relationships, mental health problems, and are clearly financially vulnerable. You are not in a position to enter into this kind of relationship as an equal. You will be taken advantage of and abused.

Islamically - having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is forbidden.

So from an Islamic perspective you should end this relationship.

Muslim men are supposed to honour, respect and protect you from harm. A devout Muslim husband would look after your emotional, physical and financial being. He would not oppress you nor harm you.

Islamically - a husband and wife are a garment unto one another where they are considered a source of comfort for each other.

Most Muslim men would not start talking about multiple wives - and most only marry one as the instruction is to treat all wives fairly, but if you fear you can’t - then only marry one.

You have a daughter - focus on your child. Focus on your mental health. Be with your mother and family and maybe start reading more Islamic books about the rights of women.

Please do not allow anyone to take advantage of you.

I remember you from past threads op. You said yourself you’re vulnerable due to poor mental health. This is one of those times. Please listen to what everyone is telling you.

Also friends with benefits - a big NO NO. So he is Muslim by name only and not his practices as is apparent here.

You need to leave him. Be safe. Protect yourself! And this is the Islamic perspective. He is physically and emotionally abusing you. You are not supposed to wait for him to bring you food, you should have access to food regardless?

Is the house where you are heated OP ?

Please listen to this advice OP. As a muslim myself I can tell you very confidently that your boyfriends behaviour is anything but Islamic. You need to leave right away. If you are locked in the house you need to call the police.

Block him and run a mile.

The child is with OPs mum, she stated in the thread yesterday that her mum is caring for her daughter for a time due to OPs mental health difficulties.

Nobody here will tell you otherwise OP, this man is acting contrary to the teachings of Islam. You are in an abusive relationship and I think really deep down you know it.

What would you do right now if there was a fire or a gas leak in the house and you couldn't get out?

I have grown up my whole life around muslims from many different backgrounds and cultures and I don't know of a single situation where any reasonable person thought it was acceptable to leave their wife locked in the house for hours on end, let alone a secret girlfriend.

Having been on the thread yesterday (once, before it deteriorated horribly) I'm really hoping that Muslim MNetters can get through to the OP about the reality of this horrible situation.

@MeganBoo please listen to them.

@MeganBoo I have sent you a PM with a link to charity that helps Muslim women who are suffering from domestic violence that you can also contact.

None of the Muslim men I work with would think this was acceptable. I eld get out, OP. Don't sit and try and rationalise it in your mind, just get out.

Please keep posting @MeganBoo at least till you get home.
You're in danger at the moment.

I'm Muslim. Funny how he remembers Islam and his ability to have up to 4 wives even though he's been having sexual relations before marriage with this other woman. It is rare that men marry more than once because they are unable to be fair and just to multiple woman, therefore Islamically should only marry one. Your boyfriend does not sound like someone who will be fair or just to both of you.

Sister please get out of this relationship, it will not end well for you or the other woman. If he's already treating you like this then I'm sorry but it's only going to go downhill after marriage. He's not serious about you and he never will be.

I hope you find the right one, but he is deffo not it!

This.

Please keep posting. Everyone wants to help. The next step is getting out of the house.

I just noticed your post after last night’s was taken down.
OP he’s got you trapped in a house and locked in with no food.
The advice you got last night is what you will get tonight - ring the police.
You have a 4 year old daughter and a mum.
Surely they matter more.
I know you have been through a lot but this man doesn’t care about you. His religion is not the issue in that a good man is a good man in any religion.
From reading the responses on this thread a devout Muslim man would never behave in this way. He is not an example of what a decent Muslim should be.
He could keep you there for as long as he wants.
The next thing is he will bring another man with him. And then another. If that is the stuff kept by the bed, and no food, these are the things you see in places where girls are trafficked, and they all start of believing they are a girlfriend.
If you ring the police now you can get out.
If you don’t, there aren’t any words anyone can say on here to help.
And please to be clear men from all religious backgrounds and all races traffic women. It isn’t a crime that belongs to a particular religion - it clearly happens everywhere.
It is this man’s character which is the problem, to someone as vulnerable as you he is dangerous.
If you don’t ring the police you will continue to be in danger.

I'm sorry if my posts or some others come across as a little abrupt. It is only because you are in a urgent worrying situation and sugar coating it will be of no benefit to you.

I promise you we are a friendly bunch on here and you won't get any judgement, just useful advice so do keep posting.

Does your mum know that you are out of town OP ?

Please reach out to me if you need help. I haven't read everything but I can see that you may be struggling mentally / physically in this relationship. First thing you need to do is end this relationship.

Can you text your mum?

This is not a positive relationship and you need to end it and concentrate on your mental health and getting better. It might also help to meet some counselling for the previously abusive relationship you were in.

I agree. I was worried last night as someone old enough to be OP’s mum. I would be terrified.
I am sure we all want her to know that there is a life for her waiting to be lived, but for now and until she is better it is best off lived without any man.
To build her health back, reconnect with her mum and daughter.
Get some trauma focused therapy, make some cement friends, find a hobby, learn, be free to live in the world and enjoy the simple things in life.
To think of any young girl locked up in a house like this is just heartbreaking.

I didn't see your other thread but this sounds like a truly horrific situation, and one that you should remove yourself immediately. But aside from what he is doing to you, if your boyfriend is a Muslim, why is he claiming that his religion allows him to take two wives when he clearly isn't exactly following his faith closely - my understanding from my daughter who is a strict Muslim is that having sex outside marriage is forbidden.

My words should say female friends not cement friends!

@mumstheword223 said what I would say.

He's breaking all the Islamic rules. He isn't religious. He's just a shagger who can't tell him mum the truth so pretends he is a Good Boy.

You need to get out and go home to your mum. She loves you and your child. He doesn't. Sorry.

There is someone out there for everyone. The longer you stay with that user the longer you will wait to meet a good man who will treat you right. We all deserve to be happy. You're not. So go.

As for worrying us readers, we would be more worried if it appeared in the news that a young mum died locked into a house leaving her child an orphan. So get out if there and go home please. Then we won't worry as much.