Live chat with Libby Purves, Wednesday 28th February, 9.00 pm

[Mariaherron]

Hello, could you give me some advice about compulsory school age?

we live in northern ireland and the law here states that children must start school in september if they are four before 1st july in the same year.

This means that my son Jack is supposed to start primary one in September when he will be only four years and three months old.

i have contacted the department of education to explain that i think jack is too young to start formal education and i would prefer if he could start when he is five, just like his older brother and sister (they were both born in the autumn therefore were older at the start of primary one)who were ready to go into primary one.

the department so far have told me that this is the law and that he can only stay back if he has special needs.

there is very compelling research which suggests that children are generally starting school too young in this country and that boys in particular are getting a raw deal from being in this environment too early .

i am aware that the law is different in England and Scotland and if we lived there, jack would not have to start school until he was five.

can you give me some advice as i am finding the system very inflexible. thanks.

I live with my boyfriend of 2 years and he has a 6 year old son that I am very close to. We have little Brian 4 days a week and 2 of those days I have him to myself. I love being with him but sometimes feel that I am being taken advantage of. His ex-wife will ask if her son can be watched for her own plans such as getting nails done and my bo is working at the time so he will ask me to watch his son when I already have plans, and if I say no he gets mad at me. The recent challenge is she called to tell my bo that she is bidding on a new shift at work and that she will have to work on Tuesdays and my bo works all day on tuesday and I am home (I do not work) I know I will eventually be asked to watch him once this shift change goes through but I feel as if I am being taken advantage of and that I'm watching little Brian for her and not for my bo. What can I say to not sound like a b---h?

Hi libby, welcome to mumsnet. How do you manage to say what so many of us think???

I believe you have 2 children. Did they ever share a room? My 2 yr old and 20 month year old are currently sharing a room, which I really like in some respects but they do tend to wake each other up during the night/ in the early morning. Do you have any advice?

Hi all,
Libby's got a touch of computer trouble - she'll be with us shortly though.

Kia,
My first serious boyfriend, frankly...it wasn't so much him who gave me the runaround as his infernal mother, for whom I was not good enough. It took me 3 years after it all blew up to work out that I was, after all, not a demon trollop from hell.

Hi Mooma,
The trouble is, Mooma, that journalists (who can often see quite clearly what is wrong) are rarely the right people to fix it. Administration is a different art. I am afraid that people like me are most useful jeering (or making helpful suggestions, or even cheering) from the sidelines.
Also, I could not bear to knuckle under to a party political machine. Have wathced too many good people (like Harriet Harman and Frank Field) crushed by it....

Libby,

I read in your bio that you were educated in Convent Schools in many countries, as I was. How has this influenced the way you educate your children spiritually? I am in a real quandary with my three young children, not wanting them to experience the negatives that I did, not wanting to pass on my own doubts now, but wanting them to have some kind of spirituality. Any thoughts?

Marina,
I know, I know...women journalists must be VERY careful not to assume that everyone has it as easy as we do ("Work from home three days a week" is really bad advice for e.g. a hospital nurse...).
These things help: 1) being very effective and essential while you ARE at work, and then making it politely clear that you leave ON TIME and do not get landed with frilly bits and after-work drinks etc.
2) Explaining to children as soon as they can possibly understand that they do COME FIRST and that you think about them even when you're at the office or wherever; bring them home interesting things, or jokes, or stories of what you saw; draw them together, play mummy-at-work games. All this helps them feel involved and secure. If they feel reasonable (never ecstatic, face it) about you working, you will feel better, and everyone will be more cheerful

All this advice also applies to DADS. Mothers should not be the only torn ones...

You are an original thinker, Croppy. Most mothers get fixated on being around in the baby years, and forget how very much a schoolchild needs to talk and be listened to, and what an elephant-trap awaits you when your parents get old and frail too. So they belt back to work when the baby goes to nursery, and end up flailing around.
YOur way has its points. BUT - make absolutely certain that you are not getting alienated from your child by your very long hours. Spend lots of weekend time doing things together, be there for the bedtime story, and DEBRIEF your nanny or childminder about every small thing that's happening. The years of starting nursery (if any, it's not vital whatever they say), starting school etc are very important; you have to stay in touch even if you are a red-hot city worker. But your instincts are not wrong. Just be prepared to trim and change a bit when you feel it is needed. Basically, I suppose I mean - follow your heart.!

Hi Tigermoth,
Boys are often (not always) less susceptible to emotional arguments ("lets not hurt people's feelings...let's talk about our feelings" etc). But they do like rules and structures, even if they then try to break them down. They also like reward systems (not soppy stars, but points towards an outing or a cool toy). In other words, I suppose, they like it a bit more military and a bit less wordy. They also like to be joked out of their bad moods and bad behaviour, rather than have heavy moral lectures. Try that....

Hi Viv,
I'm a bad person to ask!!! I was one of four children and longed to have four - or five - or six - a basketful of puppies all tumbling around together and keeping each other occupied and cheerful, in spite of the fights. But I only managed two before I couldn't have any more. So my instincts are towards siblings. However, an only child is fine IF there is lots of company - but also lots of continuity. IT sort of means it'll be harder for you to move house, move area, change schools etc because friends of the same age will matter even more than if there were siblings.
The important thing is that human needs are met: parental love, peer group, stimulation, and a bit of rough and tumble and need to share things!

Hi Lil,
One year old is the WORST time. Fine with basket-babies, fine once they're curious chatty toddlers (about 3 upwards). If you go sailing with really little ones you HAVE to make the days short and work round them; which can rather spoil the cruise for the adults.
However, it can be done. Good kit: get a strong plastic chair and fix it with lanyards to dedicated cleats, both in the cockpit and below, so that the baby ALWAYS has a safe place to be put in, padded with a harness, if there's an emergency on deck. Also make sure the bunk is safe and that the baby can NOT crawl out and explore while you are asleep. And get lots of those awful stick-on wobbly globes, and put them all over the boat for infant to bash. We did this and people used to peer in thinking they were state of the art navigation equipment!!!

Hi there

Sleep - the eternal problem. Where do you stand on sleep training/having them in your bed thing? We do sleep training periodically with our two year old - and it used to work but recently it just doesn't. She's so strong willed she'll just go on screaming forever. Sometimes she'll go down fine and sleep through - other times she's up in the night demanding to be in our bed and the latest debacle is for the past two nights she won't go down at all - even though she's been going to sleep fine forever. There never seems to be any rhyme or reason to it. Basically how much do you think parents can impose sleep discipline and how much just eventually comes naturally - and if they have to impose it where do they get the energy to do it from???

Bells,
He is a journalist too, and TV presenter. Though the farm did interrupt that, for 10 years. For a long time his career was the most lucrative, and we both benefited from that; when mine got more lucrative during the farm years etc, we both benefited from that too. We didnt split exactly 50 50, but he has done his share, and above all he is v. good at cooking the family supper, which is a huge weight off anyones mine as just THINKING what the hell everyone will eat is exhausting...
As for priorities, we work it however we can. There have rarely been clashes, but when there are, we try and resolve them on a basis of natural justice - being fair, as you would in any human relationship. Absolutely no gender politics allowed!!!!

Debsb, Good! I envy you. I do not have enough small children around now, so I have a deal whereby my occasional secretary brings the dread Rosanna to come and storm round my office tormenting the dog while I dictate. It is a good sign that kids come to your house for fun. They came to ours quite a lot but I fear it was because we were less strict about rude words than most of our friends. We were the poo-talk capital of east suffolk at one stage. Also we kept a lot of biscuits.

Lauram,
Well, I wrote a book about this - how not to be a perfect mother - which I suppose was my cathartic attempt to convince myself everything was OK really. Basically, if your children are happy and full of jollity and strong opinions (including the odd tantrum), and if they hug you and come to you when they fall over and hurt themselves, and are curious about the world and play with other children and like their live-in help , you are doing pretty damn well. Relax. Enjoy. In no time they'll be at school and you'll get school-gate relationships with other mothers, and that helps no end. Hang out with the ones who don't think they"re God's gift....

Amidala,
The best thing is to write something you'd want to read, with perhaps an unusual twist (like why small children are not unlike electronics systems, I dunno...)and send it to some magazines that you like, and like to read. Write, write, write - they'll reject, reject, reject - and finally cave in and you'll be started.Also try your local radio station.
The struggle does get a bit easier:the most useful gift to cultivate is the gift of not minding being interrupted, and having quick chats between paragraphs as they wander in and out. Harder in your specialist field, though; I do see that.
By the way, when I had a boy a friend with three wrote a card saying "I do love to hear of other people having boys. I somehow feel the load is being spread..."

Hi Libby, what advice do you have for a fun hassle-free summer kids (and adults) party? I always swear I'll never have another one, one where I don't reach for the alcohol immediately after (maybe I should be drinking it during!!?)

Sml,
One of them has tried and failed...but may well try again. The other is thinking about it for next year. I don't advise them: I get them to look at the course, and the prospectus, and judge the dons when they meet them; and look at lots of other courses and universities. I do not think parents should shove 18 year olds around.
I loved Oxford...but that was 30 years ago, and come to think of it I was a bonkers depressive neurotic, far more than my children ever will be, I hope...

Cath,
No...enjoy him...for heaven's sake.And there is never a "time" to go to nursery until the child is good and ready and happy and confident and loves it. If you're with him 24-7 you're probably less likely to spoil him than a mega-guilty working Mum,because you know him so well and are tuned in to him.
But do let him play with others;and don't automatically take his side in fights over toys...

Alyssa,
God, what a difficult one. THe mother is rather taking advantage of you, indeed, but on the other hand how lovely that she trusts you so much, and that you are so close to Brian. That I do admire; some women are very silly and selfish about stepchildren.
My own inclination, if you don't have to work and are happy that way, is that you should relish your times with the little boy, enjoy being with him and just have fun.It wouldnt hurt though if his mother, and your boyfriend, were willing to fund you to do nice activities with him, like going swimming...frankly, by the sound of it they should send you to Disneyland....

Wombat,
Being verrrry ordinarrrry.....I suppose.....
I often feel guilty that a lot of what I say is what Basil Fawlty called Glimpses of the Bleeding Obvious....

Ra,
Yes, they shared a room at that age - I think it ended when the oldest was about five - but I liked it when they were together, chuntering away and amusing one another in the early mornings with no parents to be jealous over. It was great listening , down the baby alarm. My instinct is that it is jollier and less lonely for small children to have someone else in the room, breathing and snorting.
Young animals like to sleep in company, so do married adults, and I think private rooms should wait till they are a bit bigger.

Wombat,
It's hard if you had a lot of negatives. It might help to find a church community you are comfortable with now, and spend some time there; make church a place you all sit quiet with your thoughts, or even just go to concerts, and listen to the music and let the spirit rise free. You should work out what you truly believe in - however little it may seem - and let them know, in casual conversation, what you feel. You could encourage them to pray, and tell them it can be a private habit; and to appreciate the wonder of small, natural things in the world.

Hi, My daughter is a poo talker, every other sentence has the word poo in, nursery rhymes have POO in! She calls me Mrs Poo Poo Head at the moment. I have been known to say it to her to raise a laugh if she is in a bit of a mood. Should I be encouraging her, or am I going to land myself in big trouble when she goes to school in September?