Overheard on the bus

[AdventuringAbout]

Man to partner: It's a lovely day for a walk in the park...
Woman: It is, but there are lots of other things we must do today.

Man: like what?
Woman: well, for one thing, I need to check all the use-by dates of things in the fridge.

Suddenly my day of nappy changes and playing trains seemed much less dull

Any good eaves-dropping round your way?

Seeing this pop up has reminded me of one. On my commute a few months back, I heard a child pipe up in a very exasperated tone:

'Mummy, I don't care about the large hadron collider!'

I went to a children's farm a couple of weeks ago and there was a man and his daughter looking at some sheep, I'd guess she was 5 years old and she went "baa baa black dick" and the dads jaw dropped and he turned round and shouted to his partner "GUESS WHAT SHE JUST SAID" and repeated it loudly so everyone could hear
I was gobsmacked!!

I saw a well-dressed and rather frustrated-sounding man at a train station having a very heated argument with his wife/partner on the phone. This went on until he shouted "WHAT DO YOU WANT, I'M AT THE TRAIN STATION, LOOK!" and took his phone from his ear and waved it around exaggeratedly as if it had suddenly become a video phone.

I had to really struggle to resist the temptation to go up beside him and loudly say "Great party, huh?!"

On holiday many years ago camping at Whitby I woke up one sunny morning and poked my head out of the tent to look around. It was silent apart from the birds.
The site was like a football field with the tents all around the edge . In the middle of the field was a large concrete loo and shower block.
Then a young girl about 14 came out of a tent on the left hand side and started walking to the loo. Just as she neared it another girl came out of the same tent and followed her. The first girl turned round and seeing the second one shouted in a loud Yorkshire accent that echoed round the field....
"JULIE...DONT FORGET THE ARSE WIPE!"

i was in a midwives waiting room and overhead a woman telling her (assumed) mum about ovulation, her mum snorted loudly with contempt, " ha,ovuulaation??!..didn't have it in my day!" hoiks bosom,

On a commute a little girl who regularly got on with her mum and always climbs under chairs and runs up and down the Isles about 3, goes off to the loo but a man didn't see her mum and worried she would get locked in and said she shouldn't use the toilet without an adult. She stomps back to her mum loudly shouting and pointing "that STUPID man said no" he looked very embarrassed.

Catnuzzle we sometimes get emergency pizza! Its an extra dinner you pick up for the freezer 'just in case'.

Overhead at the next table to us in the pub a couple of days ago:

Old Lady1: So what did you get your Billy for his birthday in the end?
Old Lady2: A downstairs toilet.
OL1: Lovely.
OL2: I didn't wrap it, mind.
OL1: Well you wouldn't, would you?
OL2: I wasn't going to have a repeat of Christmas.

At that point the waitress came to take our order, curse her, so we never did find out what happened at Christmas.

I was out shopping when I saw man and his daughter. The child had seen a toy she wanted and when told no. She screamed "But I want it" to which the dad calmly replied "I wanted a good little girl but I didn't get one!" That shut her up.

Haha.
I once overheard my next door neighbours arguing
Woman: Why do I give a fuck about her?
Man: Because she's family!
W: No, she's your family, I didn't give birth to that
M: Oh here we go. I should have picked her fucking mother instead of you, at least she would have accepted your kids!

Another one. I was in hospital having a GTT. I'm on crutches. They set me up in a bed in the day unit, instead of the chairs, so that I was comfortable while I waited. An Asian woman comes in and they sit her on a chair opposite me. She started kicking off at the midwife
Woman: Why can't I have a bed?
Midwife: Theres only the one bed I'm afraid.
W: Well I want it
Mw: Well its in use.
W: If you do not move her immediately I will file a complaint
Mw: Ok you do that, can I just ask what your complaint is?
W: Yes you are racist!
Mw: Excuse me?
W: You are racist, only white people get to lie on a bed and be comfortable
Mw: In that case you best complain to my supervisor.
W: What?
Mw: Either complain to my supervisor or behave, but whatever you choose I presume you would like some monitoring now?
W: Well yes, that's what I'm here for
Mw: Well let me do my job, or would you prefer another midwife
W: No, you will have to do, the rest are white.

The midwife was black. She looked very exasperated when she reappeared from behind the curtain, and gave me a very apologetic look.

Sitting on the ground at Reading Festival a long time ago, a young couple walked past, the girl trying and failing to shake a discarded beer can from her shoe.

Girl: There's a can stuck to my shoe.
Boy: It happens.

Also someone mentioned a couple of pragmatic ladies discussing the end of the world on 21 December 2012... I remember posting on Facebook, as a joke, 'Does anyone know where I can buy a new Mayan calendar?' and my DM (bless her) replying to say 'don't know, maybe check on Amazon?'.

Not overheard, but my DS, when little, was always very excited when he knew that Farmer Christmas was coming. And DD (4), loves to have salt and bigenar on her chips. Her birthday is in Mobember.

Love this thread, hope you've all been madly eavesdropping and are ready to share!

Just found these and have been laughing at them for ages.

Last year I was travelling on the bus and two 'ladies' nearby were having a heated discussion. As far as I can remember went like this:

1st lady - 'No, I tell you, I am having mum's Estee Lauder Timeless'.
2nd lady - 'No she promised it to me'.
1st - 'Well i am having her Janet Reger bedspread'.
2nd roars - 'What the pink satin Janet Reger, NO'.
1st - 'And the Timeless'
2nd - 'You fucking cunt, I am having them, Mum promised them to me'.
1st - 'Is she coming out of hospital soon?'
2nd - 'it's not looking good, and i am having the Timeless AND the Janet Reger'.
1st - 'well you can pay for the fucking funeral if you are nicking her Timeless and Janet Reger'.

Their poor Mother. I had twenty minutes of this and was so absorbed i forgot to turn my i-pod on.

These are brilliant.

I once heard this on the London eye
Girl (to boyfriend) 'will we go upside down?'
And later
'Look that's the Eiffel Tower over there' (it was a telegraph pole)
Caused much amusement to our capsule :-)

Daleks were doing the announcing on the District Line at Monument last week. Cheered me right up!

Not so much overheard but...

At a petrol station a lady stood by a motorbike spelled out Twix with her hands to her partner inside...He shook his head slowly. She then (in helemt) lowered her head in a really sad way. I still feel sorry for her and regret not getting her a Twix.

*helmet!

In a queue for coffee in a cafe in rural Italy (very few English speakers) today I overheard two English men discussing, in normal volume voices, the crazy sex they had with prostitutes in Cambodia last month.

Both were wearing wedding rings

Respectable, elderly couple in Boots:

Her: I think there's something wrang with my eye."
Him: I wish there was something wrang with yer fucking mooth!

My friend looks very young for her age, and is also a different race from her husband, so you might not assume they were together. Her dh was on a bus and knew she was getting on at the next stop, so annoyed several passengers by saving the seat next to him. When my friend got on and sat next to.him an old lady declared loudly 'ooh e's let that young girl sit down'. They probably thought he was an old perv.

There's this group of nursing students who take the same commuter train as me - they're always good for a laugh-slash-goosebumps. Recent example:

Student 1: ... and what's this synopsis thing again?
Student 2: It's like a connection between neutrons, innit?

And plenty more of the sort.

I may only have an A-level in biology and no professional training whatsoever but their level of ignorance makes me want to fall on my knees pray to any conceivable deity that I'll never require hospital treatment. Surely if your illness doesn't kill you hospital staff like this will.

They're also very entertaining.

overheard on a bus...two teenagers behind me

Him - So are you going to the midnight showing of insert film of the moment here

her - erm...i dunno...what times it start.....

and at my mum and dads 25th anniversary party

guest 1 - giz some of yer cheesecake

guest 2 - get lost, get your own

guest 1 - if you dont give me some of yer cheese cake, I will snap yer spoon

guest 1 and guest 2 were 32 and 34 respectively......

Passing by a few middle aged guys drinking lager by the canal when one of them utters "What kinda song is that? What the fuck is an agadoo anywiy?"