Overheard on the bus

[AdventuringAbout]

Man to partner: It's a lovely day for a walk in the park...
Woman: It is, but there are lots of other things we must do today.

Man: like what?
Woman: well, for one thing, I need to check all the use-by dates of things in the fridge.

Suddenly my day of nappy changes and playing trains seemed much less dull

Any good eaves-dropping round your way?

Henrylady and duck teens have made my day thank you I needed that big belly laugh!

A wee girl on the bus declared that if she ever had a baby she would call it Toby Wan Kenobi

Sort of overheard - this was a few years ago travelling home on the tube, Friday evening, knackered.

Tube driver as he pulls into Kings Cross (which is also next to the Eurostar terminus) : "And let's keep going shall we? Who fancies a night out in Paris? No? OK next stop, Angel. Mind the doors."

Still makes me smile.

Group of girls on the back of the bus wearing a local high school uniform.

"Well I told my mum she can't tell me what to do anymore. I told her I'm fourteen now mum so you can fuck off "

I was just sat there like this.

My favourite ever "overheard" moment, I was walking through city centre and heard a little boy, about 7, shout to his mum "Mummy! Look mummy! Look! A Cote Brasserie!"

Honestly, I thought kids got excited about McDonald's, not Cote!

Oh TheQuibbler, yours reminded me for some reason of when I was on an Easyjet flight years ago, the pilot made all his safety announcements and added "in case of emergency, oxygen will be provided through the overhead masks, free of charge!.

Train announcement here too - train from London to Manchester Piccadilly - driver asked everyone to refrain from playing Quidditch while the train was moving

This was when Harry potter was first out

These are fab. They have reminded me of the pair of older ladies at the next table to us when we were on honeymoon (it was a hotel where you had the same table every night). We assumed they must have eaten somewhere and seen vegans get a special menu, so they declared themselves vegan:

Woman 1: oh what's this?
Waiter: baked aubergines madam
Woman 1: oh I can"t eat that, I'm vegan.
(This went on for about three different offerings, all totally acceptably vegan)
Finally the waiter asked for her suggestion:
Woman 1: oh just bring me a nice bit of chicken or something.

The next night they were gluten intolerant

I was in the theatre once and heard a quite posh sounding women declare to her friend, 'and then he got his penis out and I thought, good on you! '

Another easyjet announcement, by slightly camp steward. ..." on your life jacket is a whistle, to attract passing sailors"

I asked an elderly retired publican how he was doing last night as I knew he'd had some health problems this year:
"Oh, mustn't grumble - still above ground"

We had just watched carmina burana at the Birmingham ( very rousing) and a very posh lady declared- I've got to go home and have sex! Her hubby looked a bit .

TheQuibbler reminded me of one too.
Years ago, on a flight, pilot to passengers:
'Please use the overhead lockers to stow all bags, coats and light sabres.'

Two teen girls on their way home from school...
TG1 - So what did you do in science?
TG2 - We had to dissect a fish.
TG1 - (obviously disgusted) Ewww, gutted!

I nearly peed myself trying not to laugh out loud.

Another Tube driver:

Sorry about the delay, people, I know you all want to get home, except the chap who married my ex-wife, and he wants to spend the rest of his life on the trains like the Flying Dutchman.

Two exceedingly well dressed women on an escalator in Selfridges, Oxford Street... 'Which dress?' 'You know, them what they never 'ad the size of.' DM (long dead) and I (both vair, vair well spoken, RP etc) just roared!!

I always tell this one. Two elderly ladies in the fruit and veg aisle (the location is key):

Lady 1: That's a strange place to put the tomatoes.

Lady 2: Yes it is isn't it?

Huh?

An extremely heavily pregnant lady and her husband getting onto the bus in front of us. The lady struggled slightly getting up the step and her husband put a hand on her back to steady her:
"Oh for fuck's sake, Steve, I'm pregnant not paralysed!"

Half I think we had the same flight attendant! He got very arsey, abd quite properly so, with a 'man at he back' who insisted on getting up to get his overhaed luggage while the plane had only just touched down and was taxiing: "You, sir. Yes, man-at-back! Sit down or we'll be having you clean toilets in my pink Marigolds!"

Readers, he sat down!

I heard one yesterday: parents and two children aged about 8 and 12. We were all looking at a nativity scene in a neighbouring village, with four lovely live sheep, 3 white, 1 black, very friendly. Up pipes dad: "Ooh, Jordi [we're foreign] look at those goats".

GOATS? GOATS? I had to look and check he wasn't George Bush Jnr. i swear I could see the three nearest sheep roll their eyes at his stupidity

Recently on the bus, I overheard a conversation between a man and his wife.
Apparently, she had left her purse with ID at home, after he had told her several times to take the ID with her. It seems that she had taken it, but then for some reason they went back home in the middle of the day and she then forgot the purse. They were going to sign the contract on a house and had the mortgage calculated to start that day and so on. Mind you this is not UK and for signing the contract you have to book a very expensive legal person.
They went on about him signing and she signing it another time, or using photocopies. And him blaming her (quite rightly).
I restrained myself from screaming at them to fucking get out, take a taxi home, then to the place and sign the bloody papers already.

Years ago, one small girl talking earnestly to another: "he wants to be my boyfriend but I'll never marry him because he stinks of cucumber".

My father has told this one for years, he was in a hotel for work and there was a table of ladies of a certain age next to him. He wasnt eavesdropping until he heard lots of shocked laughter and "NO!!!!!!" sort of reactions. Pricking up his ears he heard "I said to him, I hope your not planning on putting that back in the fridge when you've taken it out!".

He spent the rest of the meal trying to work out what they were talking about but had clearly missed the pertinent part of the conversation, but tbh I dont think reality can be any worse than our imaginations regarding what and where "it" was :o

Lweji You just reminded me I was on the park and ride bus into town, which stops at about 4 stops on the way. As we pulled out of the car park, one announces that she had left all her paperwork she needed in the car, they then all had a long discussion about what she should do. It seemed she was on her way to an employment disciplinary hearing or tribunal. She kept saying that she would get off the bus, go back to the car, get the papers and go back into town, and she just about had time,but she couldn't believe she had forgotten the papers and how awful it was. Except she never bloody did, she just sat on the bus for half an hour talking about the fact she was going to get off and how she was running out of time. I was very close to telling her to get off the bus myself to get her papers. She was still on it when I got off in town

A few months I was sat on the bus with two students from the local sixth form college behind me.

One of the students was moaning about how one of his tutors had had a go at him for not doing his homework. I can't remember everything he said but it ended in...

"Of course I didn't do my homework, my dad never did his homework. It's genetic isn't it."

Not on the bus, but my funniest stranger moment of the year happened yesterday in John Lewis.

Me and my daughter heard something smash to the ground, we looked over and saw the culprits - two big middle-aged men chuckling and deciding between them who had broken the Christmas decoration. Then we heard lots of pathetic apologies to the John Lewis staff.

We tried to stop eavesdropping but as they walked away my daugther pointed accusingly at one of them and shouted "YOU SMASHED IT" for the whole shop to hear. His reply was "Who me??? ha ha ha ha". Everyone went away laughing.