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Original poster

Overheard on the bus

360 replies

AdventuringAbout · 28/12/2014 14:43

Man to partner: It's a lovely day for a walk in the park...
Woman: It is, but there are lots of other things we must do today.

Man: like what?
Woman: well, for one thing, I need to check all the use-by dates of things in the fridge.

Suddenly my day of nappy changes and playing trains seemed much less dull Grin

Any good eaves-dropping round your way?

OP posts:
Secretescape · 14/12/2016 23:34

Overheard in the coop the other day
Middle aged Man (to woman of roughly the same age) We said you wouldn't do this in shops any more
I didn't see what it was she was doing but he wasn't happy 😊

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 15/12/2016 16:47

This (most probably misremembered) was overheard by the actress Maureen Lipman in a posh restaurant.
Couple at neighbouring table were eating their meal in morose silence.
The wife sighs deeply.
Husband enquires if there is something wrong with her meal.

"No Geoffrey. It's not the Boeuf Bourguignon. It's the last 30 years... "

TheEternalForever · 16/12/2016 00:34

Also one happened to me today. Was shopping for Christmas presents and as I was leaving the shop I was behind a little old lady who was talking very spiritedly. I assumed she was talking to herself (there was no one with her) until she stopped dead, turned around, clocked me and said in a really accusatory and affronted tone, "You are NOT my husband!" I was very tempted to look at her in shock and reply "You are NOT my wife!" but I resisted Grin

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 16/12/2016 00:46

Builders outside yesterday were having an argument over whether "reindeers" exist or not.

123MothergotafleA · 16/12/2016 00:57

Ive not got to the bottom of page 1 yet and I'm rendered insensible from laughter. Are any of you "going out on Boxing Day"? Stop it you're killing me here.😂

ShamonMoFo · 30/12/2016 08:23

I used to work as a guard onboard trains... an early morning arrival into Liverpool Lime Street prompted a well to do passenger who had been on board since Durham to ask "where do I go for the tube?" .... she had mistaken Liverpool Lime Street for London Liverpool Street and was screwed! Cue a massive rant (from her) about how she was going to miss her 9.30 extreeeeeemly important business meeting.
I dont know how some people survive

Daytona79 · 30/12/2016 09:18

Over heard a American lady and her son who looked about 8/9 talking in the lochness souvenir shop

Boy - picks up a lochness condom

Boy - Mummy can I have this

Mum - No put that back right now

Boy - but mummy it says it raises the monster

Mum - I don't care now out that back it's for grown ups not little boys

Boy - but mummy that's not fair I want to raise the monster

By this time lady was going red and grabbed boy and shouted put it back

My and husband couldn't help but laugh

frauleinsallybowles · 30/12/2016 11:13

these are brilliantGrin

EmergencyPizza · 03/01/2017 11:42

@catnuzzle...
I'm new, and reading old classics threads because they're amazing and I'm home sick :-(
But I had to confess... my DH and I may be your emergency pizza couple - it's a pizza to freeze in case of 'can't be bothered to cook' emergencies, to prevent the purchase of emergency Chinese takeaway Grin

Sunnysky2016 · 04/01/2017 12:09

Loving these so here's my few:

Me and a colleague arrive up north and sat nab said we'd arrived at our destination. We were surrounded by fields and cows but def no hotel. So we phone and ask for any landmarks, the girl on the phone replies 'we are next to the building that was knocked down....' Later that evening having found the hotel, we were dat in the dining room, which was empty except for us and a father and young son. Waitress asks would we like anything else 'please can we have two cokes' yes she replies but I would go and ask at the bar as we are so busy......(must have been the same girl!)

In a and we with serious stomach pains, they ask to do a pregnancy test, at the same time they ask the same to the girl in the bed opposite. We do them, and they come back, hope mrs sunny you aren't pregnant' they then turn to the girl 'yes you are pregnant' and she burst into tears and shouts but you don't understand, I don't know who the father is' and precedes to say SEVEN boys names as possible fathers. Her poor parents just stood their with mouths open. (Unfortunately I was then discharged with a severe infection so didn't hear what happened next!)

ManorMouse · 08/02/2017 12:59

A smartly dressed woman talking on her mobile.

"I could get fired for doing this."

(Listens to other person)

"I was told that I would be fired!"

(Whoever she was speaking to was obviously telling her to get with the Zeitgeist as experts aren't to be listened to these days)

"It doesn't matter who told me. They said that you were wrong and it is a serious breach of the rules."

(Again, more "Experts? What do they know?")

She took the phone from her ear and glared at it before speaking again.

"I didn't promise anything, I said I'd check if it was okay before doing it."

(Yet more "Who cares? Where's my cheeky favour")

"That's the end of it as far as I'm concerned!"

She crossed the street at this point so I heard nothing else.

wideboy26 · 16/02/2017 23:27

Two youngish men in suits who evidently haven't seen each other for a while. The first asks the other how he is etc and how is the baby. The other replies that he got fed up with it crying and constantly needing attention, so he swapped it for a Duran Duran CD. The first exclaims "You did WHAT? I can't believe you just said that!" to which the other replies "I know - they're a crap band, aren't they"

wideboy26 · 16/02/2017 23:34

And sometimes the briefest snippet of conversation tells a story. I was walking out of a shop once at the same time as two young women were walking in. In the second or so that their conversation was audible as we passed each other, I heard one say to the other "Did Kelly tell you what Wayne done to 'er? Bastard."

I repeated this to the secretaries when I got back to the office and they never forgot it. We would often wonder subsequently whether Kelly and Wayne were still together.

MollyRedskirts · 17/02/2017 00:03

29/12/2014 16:36 Princessgenie

When I was in hospital after having my daughter the young girl in the next cubicle had given birth to a 10lb+ baby (who was absolutely gorgeous). Her boyfriends dad walked in and went 'fooking hell he's a big bastard'. I nearly died.

ShockShockShock

This was me! May 2010, a Merseyside hospital? Or there's another insensitive git walking around who said exactly the same thing. Wouldn't surprise me.

GlitteryFluff · 17/02/2017 00:19

These are so funny.

Lweji · 23/02/2017 17:02

Just heard, two women:
Yesterday was handcuff day, but I got home so tired that all I wanted was to eat and then off to bed.

Not 50 shades stuff for sure. Grin

Crazyvaperlady · 24/02/2017 12:36

Overheard in a bus stop, 2 young lads talking about one having sex with his girlfriend
1: and I got halfway through and realised I needed a shit, but I couldn't stop could I?
2:na mate she'd go off the boil before you'd had chance to wipe your arse
1: Yeah so I carried on, and as I tensed up ready to cum dramatic pause I shat myself all over her bed! Was runny and everything!
Hmm

ManorMouse · 20/06/2017 13:31

Rat-faced young scrote talking on his mobile.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what did he say?"
....

"Look, I know I was supposed to be there too but I forgot."
....

"Yeah, that sounds bad alright."
....

"But what did the judge say about me?"
....

"I TOLD you I forgot!" (He's smirking now so I don't believe him)
....

"JUST FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT WHAT HE SAID ABOUT ME!"

He went into a bookies at this point so I heard nothing else.

newnameoldme · 20/06/2017 14:07

2 mums at a playplace
mum1 ' dillll dilll would you like to make a picture...?'
mum2 'is your son called Dylan? so is mine..'
mum1 (quick flash of horror at the presumption) 'no his name is Dill..like the herb'
mum1 'ohh nice...' forlornly returns to concentrating on grubby duplo

me silent Grin mentally noting to share on mumsnet when opportunity arises

newnameoldme · 20/06/2017 14:10

mollyredskirts and princessgenie love this!!!!

RortyCrankle · 21/06/2017 15:04

Years ago I was sitting next to a woman and her baby on one of the long seats on a bus - she was trying to breast feed the baby without any luck. In exasperation she said to the baby well if you don't want it I will give it to that nice man over there, pointing to a man on facing seat. Poor man's face went red with embarrassment and there were a few laughs from other passengers Grin

TillyMint81 · 27/09/2017 11:48

I need to know if mollyredskirts and princessgenie were in the same place at the same time!

Lweji · 19/03/2018 11:25

Heard today:

I'm going to call my friend X. He works in Y.
He used to be my son in law. He isn't anymore. Now he's my future son in law.

I wasn't sure if this man separated from one daughter and is about to marry the other daughter, or if the woman didn't know the meaning of future.
She did have few social skills and gave the air of being a past drug addict.

ephemeralfairy · 19/03/2018 17:50

In a supermarket just outside Glasgow:
Man: She's such an arrogant bitch, Nicola Sturgeon, thinking she can just swan about doing whatever she wants. Now she's been put in her place right enough.
Woman: Yes....now do we need tomatoes?

Clandestino · 19/03/2018 19:31

In a ZOO, wolf and polar fox enclosure next to each other:
Child: Dad, Dad, what's the animal over there? (points at the fox)
Father (with an air of supreme knowledge and importance): That's baby wolf.