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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Going in tomorrow to have my son at 23+3 weeks

39 replies

Cornishlady · 10/04/2014 02:40

I am new here so please excuse the ramblings...

My oh and I have been trying for a baby for about 18 months. I got pregnant around June last year but had an MC at 11 weeks. Amazingly I got pregnant again 2 months later. After a couple of bleeding scares early on our 12 week scan confirmed a heartbeat.
At our 20 weeks scan we were told that our little boy had mild to moderate ventriculomegaly. This obviously scared the life out of us but the consultant said that she couldn't see any other problems with him but referred me to have an MRI scan on the baby's brain.
The week after we went back to see if the fluid levels in his brain had gone down/up/stayed the same and they had actually gone down a tiny bit. Everything seemed ok until the consultant received the results of the MRI. it showed he had agenesis of the corpus callosum and the left hemisphere of his brain hadnt developed properly. She called the neurologist who said that the chances of him being severely disabled/brain damaged were pretty much certain and his quality of life extremely poor. That's when the bottom fell out of our world.

We made the decision to end our little boys life early to prevent him from misery and suffering. As awful a decision as it is, I am confident I am doing the right thing.

Tomorrow I am going in to have him and this being my first experience of any form of labour I am utterly terrified. I am terrified of the whole process, seeing my baby and having to deal with the after effects physically and emotionally.

I don't know whether I am asking for advice or just want to get this down somewhere but I am so scared and feel angry that this is happening to me.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 10/04/2014 02:44

Oh, Cornishlady, my heart aches for you.
It is unfair and cruel and you are doing such a brave thing for your little boy Sad.
I am wishing you strength and fortitude for tomorrow (?today) and that you and your DH can be a support to each other.
I shall be thinking of you all.

Turniphead1 · 10/04/2014 02:45

Cornish lady I didn't want to leave you unanswered. What terrible terrible heartbreak for you & your partner. Nothing I can say will make what you have to go through any easier.
Be kind to yourselves in the tough times to come.

BigRedApple · 10/04/2014 02:49

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My thoughts are with you, your DH and of course your little baby boy. Look after each other x

Wurstwitch · 10/04/2014 02:53

Oh sweetie, your brain must be going at 100 miles an hour.

I'm assuming you have had counseling and looked at every option over the last three weeks, so are comfortable with your decision. Have the hospital talked through what will happen? Did you get a second opinion from ACC charities etc? I assume that the termination will be carried out prior to actual labour and birth?

The hospital should look after you every step of the way. I have no direct experience (I have a brain damaged dd with cerebral palsy, but this can't be tested for, and to be honest she is completely different to the prognosis we were given) of termination for disability, but I know lots of ladies here will be able to offer direct advice.

Stay strong. You have made the right decision for you.

Cornishlady · 10/04/2014 03:08

Thank you for your replies everyone.

Wurstwitch - I haven't had counselling as I feel it was a choice only myself and my oh could make. We were told by the consultant and the neurologist that his chances of being even mildly to moderately disabled were low and even though there is always the odd miracle his odds didn't look good. The neurologist even called me at home to speak to me and go through everything so I am in no doubt what we have done is right.

I have already had the procedure to stop the baby's heart, which was just horrible. And it was so painful, but in a weird way Im glad it was as I couldn't concentrate on what was actually going on, as my mind was (thankfully) too engulfed in agony.

My body wants to sleep but my mind doesn't seem to want to let me. I just pray that everything happens relatively quickly.

OP posts:
Wurstwitch · 10/04/2014 03:51

It's good that you got to speak with the neurologist. Hard stuff to go through. Ours was far easier as there was no choice to make - you play the hand you are dealt. V tough to have to make decisions like this.

Do you have a name for your little boy? Sending you all strength to get through the day. Just take it one tiny step at a time. X

SizzlesSit · 10/04/2014 04:17

I am so very very sorry. My friend had a very similar diagnosis and gave up her baby girl in January this year.

Be kind to yourself. Have you any RL support? My friend's work was amazing - she could come and go as she pleased. Some days she had to work to take her mind off it, other days she walked in and walked out five minutes later but needed to give no explanation.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with this - you deal with it as you feel.

Your baby boy will be in your heart forever. There is loads of support of MN for bereavement. Keep posting, you are not alone.

Thinking of you. X

SizzlesSit · 10/04/2014 04:20

Also, I dont know many details cos my friend doesnt talk about it much but I know she and her DH went through a number of tests afterwards to determine if this was a one-off or if there was a genetical reason and a risk to future pregnancies.

MinginInTheRain · 10/04/2014 04:21

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Be strong to get through tomorrow and the days to come.

Have you got a camera to take photos? And an outfit or baby clothes? If not hospital should provide.

Spend as much time as you want with your baby. I had a stillbirth in 2001 and wish I had spent longer with my boy.

I hope you have supportive friends and family who will give you space to grieve as you need. I wish you all the best for the future and further pregnancies.

bakingtins · 10/04/2014 06:57

cornishlady I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you will be well supported through labour, there should be plenty of pain relief on offer. If you haven't already been directed there, the charity SANDS offers a lot of support for late loss/stillbirth. From posts I've read on here, taking the chance to spend some time with your baby and have memories, handprints, photographs etc will help you in the long run. Sending you strength for a very difficult day ahead.

Needadvice5 · 10/04/2014 07:01

How awful for both of you, I cannot begin to imagine what you are both going through.

thinking of you both xxxxxx

Cuddlecouch · 10/04/2014 07:02

Oh what sad news. Will be thinking of you and your son today and sending you prayers. Be sure to hold him, that is the only advice I can offer.

LottieJenkins · 10/04/2014 07:03

Sending you love and hugs xx

AnimalsAreMyFriends · 10/04/2014 07:06

What an awful thing to happen Sad

I hope that all goes smoothly & like someone said up thread, hold him and spend some time with him. Have you named him?

Thinking of you all Thanks

Spellcheck · 10/04/2014 07:07

My heart goes out to you both. I suffered a late miscarriage, which although in no way as traumatic as what you are going through, does mean I can advise you to take photos and hold him for as long as you need to. I wish so much that I had.
We did go for a proper burial, which definitely helped. And do think about counselling, because grief has a funny way of hitting you later down the line. Talk about him as much as you can to anyone who will listen because that helps too. Thanks Thanks

wifey6 · 10/04/2014 07:08

cornishlady...I can't begin to imagine what you & your DP are going through. I'm so incredibly sorry. It sounds like you have been very well informed & therefore the heartbreaking decision you have made sounds the only option for your precious little boy. Be gentle & patient with yourselves & focus on one step at a time.
My thoughts & prayers are with you all.

antimatter · 10/04/2014 07:09

Cornishlady - I am thinking of you and your family.

Incacola · 10/04/2014 07:09

Im so sorry that you and your OH are experiencing this Cornishlady. A friend if mine also made the incredibly difficult decision to end her pregnancy at a similar stage and found her counselling afterwards to be invaluable. I agree with baking that SANDS would be a good organisation to contact for support and guidance. Thinking of you today

NowWhatIsit · 10/04/2014 07:17

As regards your concerns about labour, they would normally put a senior midwife with you who will talk you through each step. So sorry you are going through this.

dramajustfollowsme · 10/04/2014 07:27

Our little boy had a different diagnosis but was not going to make it once born.
I was induced at 22+5 wks. I still remember the feeling as we left home to go to the hospital. It felt like I was being sent to the gallows. It took a lot of effort to make my feet go one in front of the other. Sad
The physical process of induction wasn't too bad but emotionally just horrific.
The mw took ds away at birth as he was very malformed from the abdomen down. She took him back dressed in some tiny clothes my gran knitted for me, wrapped in the shawl that I was brought home from hospital in. Subsequently dd was wrapped in the same shall when she was born.
We spent as much time as we wanted with him and took lots of photos and cuddles.
Leaving without our baby was as bad as arriving. The hospital chaplain blessed ds for us. Both sets of grandparents came for that.
We too had a proper funeral for him.
The hospital had taken hand and foot prints and gave us the measuring tape they used etc.
Everyone at the hospital were incredibly thoughtful and supportive. I have nothing but admiration for the people who work on that ward. It must be very difficult.
I now have a memory box with all his bits and pieces in it. It sits beside his younger sister's memory box and one day I will tell her about her big brother.
I hope they take good care of you.

PacificDogwood · 10/04/2014 09:42

Thinking of you today, Cornishlady, you, your DH and your little boy are in my heart.

drama, what a brave post and how brave you were at the time Thanks

Cornishlady · 11/04/2014 02:27

All over. Took about 8 hours from start to finish. Little Jack was born at 6.22pm. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. He is the spitting image of his dad and looks so peaceful. I have told him why I did what I did and that I hope he forgives me for it. I feel he has, and I feel he knows I only did it because I love him.
I am physically and mentally exhausted but it was worth it just to see what he looked like and to be able to give him a kiss and tell him I love him.

Thankyou for all your support ladies xxx

OP posts:
MinginInTheRain · 11/04/2014 02:51

Thank you for sharing that with us. You have been through so much.

Glad you had time and spoke to him about what happened. He sounds beautiful. Agree with others about talking as much as you can about him and his place in your family. Counselling too when you feel ready.

SecretWitch · 11/04/2014 03:01

I'm so very sorry for you both. It seems you have made a very loving, painful choice for your son. How very hard on the heart this must be for you. I'm sending you hugs to get through this night and the coming days. Xx

saffronwblue · 11/04/2014 03:12

What a hard time for you all. I'm. Glad you spent time with your beautiful Jack and could tell him what was in your heart. X

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