Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

Dangers of small talk after mc

28 replies

TinyTear · 13/03/2014 12:05

i know it's in people's nature to do small talk but good God just had a moment at work...

I sent yesterday an email to a client ccing one colleague saying "I have been off sick so will get back to you soon bla bla" - in fact I took two days off after having medical management on saturday for my 5th Miscarriage

This colleague just asked if I was feeling better, to which I said yes, and he said then "i've also not been feeling very well" and someone else piped up "is there something going round?"

I manage to control myself and just say "no, what I had is definitely not going round" and didn't go into more details...

(considering these two guys one has a 8 month + pregnant wife and the other one is gay, they definitely will not be suffering from recurrent miscarriage...)

Well done Me, I deserve a pat on the back and might treat myself to shite food for lunch...

OP posts:
VenusDeWillendorf · 13/03/2014 12:08

Sorry you're going through this tiny.

Small talk is just that. Small.

Please treat yourself!

Original poster
TinyTear · 13/03/2014 12:24

Thanks...
At least I have tomorrow off to go to the cinema while child is at nursery

OP posts:
GailLondon · 13/03/2014 18:35

Hi tiny so sorry to hear what you've been through. It's hard isn't it, people have no idea that what they are saying could possibly upset you, to them it's a perfectly normal comment.
I went back to work last week after 3 days off following my mc at 12 weeks. Two women that day said to me "ooh you've lost weight! What's your secret" i nearly burst into tears, wanted to say, well, I was pregnant, now I'm not. Normally I'd be delighted to hear that I've lost weight!

Original poster
TinyTear · 13/03/2014 20:00

Oh no. That comment would have also made me cry. Hard having to stay strong x

OP posts:
Purplefrogshoes · 13/03/2014 23:50

so sorry tiny its really shit!
what drives me nuts is colleagues and sometimes even random strangers asking if you will be having any more children? i snapped at work last week when asked this i told them that its not so easy for some people, that i had 3 mc and and its rude and insensitive to ask!
gail so sorry Sad

Huffpot · 14/03/2014 06:27

Small talk is crap. our DC are 3 & 4 and after a late MMC I kept getting asked when we were having more. ..I tried to laugh it off but everyone was asking and going on and on so I ended up saying we lost one at 18 weeks recently and that shamed them into silence. Some people just didn't drop it

Ruggle · 14/03/2014 15:17

Two weeks after my mmc at 11 weeks I was at a barbecue at my step daughter's nursery. One of the teachers was talking about how she couldn't wait to go travelling and get away from the kids. "Jesus, who'd have kids!" she exclaimed! Nice. I gave it about 5 minutes and the crumpled in a corner.

squizita · 14/03/2014 15:39

:( That sucks. Small talk can hurt when they don't even know (to them it was probably a tummy bug etc'),

One little thing:
"they definitely will not be suffering from recurrent miscarriage"
I'm pregnant on clexane after recurrent miscarriage. I definitely know what it's like. So does my DH. :(
But then again if a woman went quiet and looked sad after time off work, he wouldn't push the small talk.

Original poster
TinyTear · 14/03/2014 20:31

I know it's hard for men too. But in this case I know the guy about to have a child has no mc history.

My husband has now said he might be open about them at his work

OP posts:
SeaSaltMill · 24/03/2014 15:21

I have returned to work today after my 3rd miscarriage.

Some people knew why I was off and have been lovely. Others haven't asked. Some who didn't know and did ask, I've just told them. Others I would just say 'I'd rather not talk about it'.

I actually find it easier to be honest with people about why I've been off, I don't have to lie and they're less likely to say something that might upset me like 'Oh did you enjoy your break?' or something. however, if I don't know them I wouldn't say. Its those who say 'Oh are you feeling better now?' and you want to scream 'NO! No I'm fucking not feeling better' in their face.

:(

Original poster
TinyTear · 24/03/2014 15:24

Un-MN hugs SeaSalt

Yes, people who need know - my immediate team mates, my boss and his boss...

Someone else I mentioned 'medical issues' for the reason I might miss a deadline... if they asked directly I would tell...

Are you going to be tested now you hit the dreaded/magic 3 in the NHS?

OP posts:
SeaSaltMill · 24/03/2014 16:34

Yes been referred to recurrent miscarriage clinic, but the appointment wont be for around 8 -10 weeks so we're on a TTC break. Which is good in some ways but really hard to take in others.

Trying to focus on losing some weight and getting fit now.

How are you doing? x

FoxHugs · 25/03/2014 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TinyTear · 25/03/2014 08:38

wow Fox that is so cruel to say... Some people really don't think... at all...

SeaSalt I am coping-ish...

Also back into running and trying to get fitter for the next attempt which will be in a few months as I need to first have AF, then ovulate then see a specialist for some tests I haven't had, get the results, and only then try again...

NOt easy to wait when I am nearly 41...

OP posts:
SeaSaltMill · 25/03/2014 09:22

8 months is hardly the same as 5 weeks. I'm not saying either is any easier to deal with but 8 months is almost term! Some people have no idea.

I hate it when people say 'You will understand when you have kids' like having a child makes you a font of all knowledge and qualified to pass judgement on others.

Tiny lets get fit together! I suppose I have age on my side for now, I'm nearly 29, H is nearly 34, he already has a child but she's 11 next month. I'm starting to wonder whether his sperm are deteriorating.

Original poster
TinyTear · 25/03/2014 09:32

Both me and my H were 37/38 when my DD was born and she is perfect... Not sure age is that relevant... Ok maybe a bit...

I sometimes joke that my body can't take second best. I had 3 mc before having my DD and 2 afterwards...

Back to work small talk I was good yesterday. Talkling to a colleague who has a boy younger than my DD and I spotted she was pregnant again but I didn't say anything...
then she chatted me and said 'were you looking at my tummy or am I paranoid'

And I managed to pre-empt questions and said in my own terms that I would love a number 2 but had had 2 mcs...

I think I felt better saying it rather than being asked...

OP posts:
SeaSaltMill · 25/03/2014 09:35

I prefer telling people rather than being asked. Its more on your own terms then isn't it.

Someone asked me yesterday why I was off, I just said i'd been unwell but he pushed it, 'ooh was it the lurgy, the proper lurgy' in the end I just said 'I had a miscarriage. My third one in fact'

It shut him up.

Original poster
TinyTear · 25/03/2014 09:40

Yes, I hate it when people push and keep asking...

SeaSalt also feel free to join the recurrent miscarriage thread. very friendly over there

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/1971464-Recurrent-Miscarriage-Support-tests-treatment-trying-again-thread-9?

OP posts:
SeaSaltMill · 25/03/2014 09:45

I have posted but its a bit overwhelming!

Original poster
TinyTear · 25/03/2014 09:48

I thought that as well... it doesn't move as fast as some other threads... I prefer the smaller ones...

Smile
OP posts:
Original poster
TinyTear · 25/03/2014 09:50

Ah I see, you posted on the day last thursday I went for my scan, so I was a bit preoccupied with my own stuff

OP posts:
SeaSaltMill · 25/03/2014 10:52

I just get confused with all the people!

My boss came up to me earlier (I didn't see her yesterday) and asked if I was ok. I had to tell her not to be too nice to me because I could feel myself welling up :(

Original poster
TinyTear · 25/03/2014 11:06

Awww I shall give you an un-MN hug
(and I also prefer to do/say things behind a computer screen on an email or chat screen...)

How long did you take off this time?

I was only off 2 days after most of my ones, (well number 3 was on holiday yuk) but after number 4 I actually needed nearly 2 weeks off and went for counselling...

This time took only 2 days but I think i could have done with more... but deadlines and being bloody consciencious meant I was back soon... At least have 2.5 days off this week to wallow a bit more.

OP posts:
SeaSaltMill · 25/03/2014 11:11

I was off just over a week, same as the second and the first I had 2 weeks off because i'd had the ERPC and was recovering from that. Luckily my workplace have been really supportive. They actually told me to take a 'sensible amount of time off'.

I planned to come back in last Thursday but I had a minor panic attack in the morning and DH put me straight back bed.

Abra1d · 25/03/2014 11:12

H is nearly 34, he already has a child but she's 11 next month. I'm starting to wonder whether his sperm are deteriorating.

My husband was 45 when we conceived our second child. At 15 she is a clever all-rounder who has always been a healthy child. I think you've got a year or two yet!