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Original poster

so, if you do meet someone again, how do you stop feeling scared?

33 replies

piratecat · 15/03/2010 11:21

I have now maybe met someone, and I am absolutely terified of the whole deal. I don't want to scare him off.

I had a date, and it went lovely, but proceeded to well up during a bit of conversation. he was fine about this.

I am very surprised by my feelings, like insecurities, when i feel i have become such an independant person these past 5 yrs! It's like a whole other world.

Plus I cannot belive how naive i feel regarding the whole dating thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
piratecat · 15/03/2010 12:06

x

OP posts:
notevenamousie · 15/03/2010 12:42

Hi piratecat,
6 months in and like you I am independent in some ways and still terrified of screwing this up. Or hurting myself, or our respective dc. But the good bits far outweigh that. I have never actually known what falling in love meant until these recent months. I am discovering bits of me I had lost, as well. Take it very slowly, would be my advice, hold a bit of yourself back, be honest and let yourself enjoy - I am really pleased for you!

Original poster
piratecat · 15/03/2010 13:07

really pleased for you notevenamousie.

Thing is I was very in love with my husband, which started very quickly after we met,and i keep comparing how that all started.

We were both single,a nd able to do what the hell we liked when we liked. Now, of course i am much loder, a bit jaded and have a child. he has no children or 'past', but is still very much doing the out with the mates thing. I guess we'll see won't we.

I am not dissecitng it, don't get me wrong, i am just being forced to look at myself emotionally in a different way, and i feel almost like i have not got a clue. It's quite alarming! I am a worrier yes. At least that first date if out the way tho!!

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notevenamousie · 15/03/2010 16:01

Hi piratecat, I guess that's a different feeling to my realisation I was never really in love at all.

It's certainly different these days, harder like you say for loads of practical reasons and then the past gives you hopefully more sense and certainty but then there's the baggage and the 'so much at stake' kind of stuff.

Don't be alarmed by not having a clue - or if you are, you can't help it, but more don't let it be outweighed by the enjoyment of this new man. I've never made it work with someone without dc but then I sadly wouldn't have any more. I think that is different.

But this is just a first date, not the rest of your life, enjoy (it gets a while lot better after the 3rd ). I really hope you can enjoy it, it must be time for you get to have some fun.

notevenamousie · 15/03/2010 16:02

whole not while must pre-view (or not MN whilst pretending to play with lego!)

MrsMorgan · 15/03/2010 16:10

No advice here as I've not got to this point yet.

Just wanted to say that I hope it all goes well for you PC, you deserve it.

Take it at your pace. If he's a nice guy then he will understand your worries.

Original poster
piratecat · 15/03/2010 17:17

thanks you lovely ladies. it's so great to be able to come on here and get support when i desp need it.

We are meeting this evening for the cinema.

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MrsMorgan · 17/03/2010 20:47

How did it go PC ??

Original poster
piratecat · 18/03/2010 07:39

hiya, thanks for asking it went ok, but i am still totally feeling out of my depth!!!

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MrsMorgan · 18/03/2010 14:11

Hmm i'd feel the same I think.

What about treating it as if you are just friends for now ? Then perhaps the rest will happen without you noticing ??

Sorry, i'm not very good at advising on this subject lol.

Original poster
piratecat · 18/03/2010 18:09

Mrs morgan, i appreciate you replying, even if it's to say you can't help much.

I am torn between wethe rit's him i am not 'getting' or wether it's ME whose being too impatient.

Been on my own so long now.

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MrsMorgan · 18/03/2010 18:56

What does he say about it all ?? Do you feel he is rushing you ?

sausagepastie · 18/03/2010 19:15

Piratecat lovey I am glad you have met someone nice.

I just want to say, don't worry. Gte to know him, don't rush into bed, don['t rush into anything. If it's meant to be it shouldn't be too hard work iyswim.

i've been alone for a long time too, and tbh the whole dating thing freaks me right out - I've backed off from searching. There's one person I really like, and all we are is friends, and have been for about a year - but we talk all the time and it's shown me I can trust a man again, despite the fact he's otherwise committed I am having a good time just enjoying the feeling of 'yes there is a good man out there, that I click with, and it isn't hard work'

Do you get what I mean? I just see your situation and want to take the pressure out of it. Can you see your way to taking it all very slowly and without the fear - it's hard when you have only ever dated, rather than being friends first, I know. But you must be aware of how he is making you feel, and whether you are comfortable and don't do anything you're not happy about - in any way - he won't slip through the net if he is right for you xx

Original poster
piratecat · 18/03/2010 22:16

yes i get what you mean, about trust isn't it.?

I have deffo calmed down and am going to see where this goes. Two (and a half) dates, is nothing is it. I am trying to be objective.

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sausagepastie · 19/03/2010 06:34

Just remember it doesn't mean you have a problem if you find it strange to be suddenly in a 'relationship' - it doesn't mean you have trust issues or anything. It's natural to be wary of someone you don't actually know very well. The only people I've felt OK about trusting right away were those who started off as friends, or I knew their previous partner, or knew them through school etc. There's only so many people you really kind of click with. Some of the ones I've gone out with have turned out to be different to how I imagined!

Good luck, I hope he turns out to be good for you x

Original poster
piratecat · 19/03/2010 19:16

thanks sausage ( if i may call you that)

x

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sez2068 · 21/03/2010 01:13

hi just reading this cos even after 2 years out of a marriage in which i was sooo unhappy (abusive, cheating, alcoholism (his!) etc i still get flash backs of being with him when i am with my bf

i dont know why my mind does this to me.

i still try and avoid places taht i went to woth my xh cos of memories etc - and they arent even especially good ones!

i think its just taht it can be scary starting again and that even if the past wasnt good, its kind of that you knew how to deal with it and this is all new - so looking back is kind of a comfort zone in a weird way

but it does get easier - it really does. its happening to me less and less and i am trying to see it for what it is

taking it slowly is key, yes, and i really hope it all goes well for you. im glad your man was understanding - well we all have our baggage

Original poster
piratecat · 21/03/2010 08:41

thanks sez. Our memories are such powerful things, and it's sometimes ridiculous how we associate certian things with people. I am pleased you are happier now, and going in a better direction. Takes alot of courage.

I can honestly say the only thing bad my ex did, was let me down by breaking my heart apart. Hence my trust problems.

I guess it's also a feeling of not trusting myself, as in, how could I have so blindly loved my ex when he was not in love with me anymore (which i didn't know at the time).

OP posts:
QueenofWhatever · 21/03/2010 10:01

How could you have loved him so blindly when he was not in love with you anymore?

Because you're human. There's nothing wrong with you or that you did something wrong or should have known. Sadly this is just sometimes how life is. It doesn't mean you won't love and be loved again.

Watching your thread with interest, as there is someone in my life who I think likes me and I want to take things further, but can't trust anything yet, including myself. Please keep letting us know how you are getting on.

Original poster
piratecat · 21/03/2010 11:32

Queen, we can deffo share our stuff here.

fwiw, I am reading a fantastic book at the moment, lent to me by a good friend.

It is about believing in yourself, that you deserve the best. The key being that whatever you emit thoughtwise, negatives or positives, they will come back to you, eventually. It's the ethos of most loving 'religions' i guess, but it's more to do with the power being within you.

That you can change your levels of emotional well being, by practising, every time you have a bad thought, you switch it over.

hth

OP posts:
sez2068 · 21/03/2010 22:59

i do try and do that and that book sound good, whats it called? i like to read things like that it really does help and i do so much need to stop harking back to the past, i know it does no good and is such a negative energy but i am really prone to it

Original poster
piratecat · 22/03/2010 13:20

the book is called 'The Secret' hth!

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sez2068 · 22/03/2010 23:34

thanks! am currently reading the road less travelled, its really good

Original poster
piratecat · 23/03/2010 10:06

yes have read that!

It's all comforting and a really positive way of helping yourself isn't it.

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sez2068 · 23/03/2010 13:02

yes it is, got further along the road less travelled to read next!

the problem is keeping it all in mind when you feel like screaming!!