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Original poster

First court date next Fri

31 replies

Leslaki · 01/01/2009 20:52

off to court for the first time in an ever increasingly nasty divorce (think seriously scary bunny boiler OW who is obsessed with my kids and has a harassment order against her - and an ex who hasn't paid the mortgage for 6 months just for starters but spent thousands of £££ on useless crap for the kids Xmas then emotianlly blackmailed them with the present - a man who now has to have supervised access after putting his kids in danger!!)

Anyway, just wanted to ask how scary is it going to court? Just going to sort out who pays for te nightmare fiasco it ahs become - we're back in court in feb for the finances. feeling very nervous now.

TIA

OP posts:
andanotherdooropens · 01/01/2009 22:03

Can't answer any of your questions - not done the court thing; but, look at it this way, by summer your life should be sorted and by this time next year it will be so much better.

When things are so hard and you have an ex with no scruples, sense or decency, (yep, got some experience there) it can be the little things that get you through.

Take care - it is going to be a very tough start to the year, so, take all help that is offered, be kind to yourself and ebay any of the rubbish the kids don't really want !

Original poster
Leslaki · 01/01/2009 22:25

Thanks mate! I know I'm better off without him and just want it over with - it's the thought of going to court that is getting to me!! I know it's probably irrational but i suppose it's the fear of the unknown, walking int a court kinda thing. Got lots to ebay once this whole farce is finally over!!!

OP posts:
andanotherdooropens · 01/01/2009 22:43

Have you got someone going with you? Is your solicitor good?

If I am really honest, I think you'd be mad not to be worried about it - the unknown, a theoretically binding decision, your ex- and a mad-woman. All in all, that is scary.

Talk, ventilate and hopefully, it will be fine and acutally, the real bottom line is you will survive and cope with whatever happens.

IroningBored · 01/01/2009 22:50

why are you in court - finances or childrens act?

IroningBored · 01/01/2009 22:52

and talking of eBay ... I have just been very naughty here

I hope it makes you smile

aseriouslyblondemoment · 01/01/2009 23:01

Leslaki mine didnt go to court so can't offer any advice.thou it was unpleasant all the same.
Be strong,hang on in there and come on here and rant youll feel better!!
I promise you this time next year you'll feel so much better

monty27withbellson · 02/01/2009 00:42

Going to court is scary but its quite formal and clinical. Take someone with you for moral support, don't be intimidated, you are there for what you deserve. When I went to court for the first time I was standing with my solicitor and this woman passed with an armful of files and looking extremely officious and I asked my solicitor who she was. My solicitor looked at me in amazement and said, 'that's **' who was the woman that was my friend and that my exdh went off with. I didn't even recognise her, she'd dressed up in such a way to look mumsy and stuff which she so wasn't. So all sorts of shenanigans take place. You can overhear convos of other people in corners with their barristers/briefs usually the man saying she's not having the house and the woman saying he was unfaithful I want the house etc. You realise you're nothing different. All the officials there have seen it so many times before and are trained to read people and their games. Its very painful and a process that hurts deeply, you'll need focus strength and support but in hindsight I wish I hadn't let it scare me so much. I'd be retching (sp?) outside but after many hearings I got used to it. It's only the first one and it'll be very preliminary. Best of luck, try not to let it intimidate you. Hope this is helpful.

I fear I'm going to get slated for this honest description of my own experience and I regret being intimidated. The OW didn't bother coming again as she realised they could see right through it. Mostly I'm trying to say don't be scared. XX

mummyfantastico · 02/01/2009 05:30

I was absolutely crapping myself, but once I got there I soon realised how much like a load of kids bickering it really is. Not nearly as scary as you'd think. Good luck.

Original poster
Leslaki · 02/01/2009 23:31

Thanks you lot - making me feel so much better. Monty - that's the thing I know she'll be there with portable camping stove to boil bunnies on - that's the scary thing!! My mate is coming with me and my solicitor is great. Found out x has changed soliciotr as she didn't pay his last solicitors bills!!! Hope that goes against him. Not looking forward to it whereas they're probably looking forward to agreat day out

Ironing bored - mite send him one when itz all over!!!

here's to day 1 next week - this time next week that's one day down!! The next court appearance again re finances is 3rd Feb and we ahven't even started on issues re he kids yet .

But 2009 will be a new start!!!

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glitterfairy · 03/01/2009 10:50

Leslaki it is ok. Not a great experience but you will be fine. I got so used to going I thought I would get an invite to the Christmas party but it is all over now and provides a sound basis for behaviour where rules are set and followed!

Original poster
Leslaki · 03/01/2009 20:08

What do you wear??? or is it over so quickly no-one would even notice? Thanks Glitterfairy - by the looks of things I'll be getting a regular visiting pass too!! he's been a right b***d today - not gonna see the kids again this weekend.

OP posts:
andanotherdooropens · 03/01/2009 20:34

His loss, Leslaki. Who wouldn't want to see their kids? How sad some people are.

Wear something you feel good in. Thought Monty's post was excellent - she is right, they must have seen it all, before. That is so depressing.

Glad you have the RL support, too.

stareye · 03/01/2009 20:59

I'd wear something mumsy, but not too obviously mumsy. Wouldn't wear a black suit.

And much depends on whether your Judge is young or old, male or female. IME, old male (and sometimes old female) judges are most sympathetic to women. Middle aged women are most sympathetic to men.

Always appear reasonable and be ultra polite (I'm sure you will be!).

Are you being cross-examined?

glitterfairy · 03/01/2009 21:40

I used to have certain things I kept for court. This was only because they made me feel good or protected, so things people I cared about had bought me such as a ring form a friend and my Grannies necklace.

I am quite superstitious so always did my hair and made sure I had my most comfortable and nicest clothes on (usually black trousers, heels and a jacket). Most important though was parking and getting there in time so that I didnt fret about being late.

Original poster
Leslaki · 03/01/2009 22:56

Yeah I know itz his loss - kids are great (5 and 6) and seem to have accepted that daddy lets them down - sad lesson to learn at that age . Yeah, think I'll go for black trousers, well polished shiny shoes (in case judges look at that - my mum does!!) and a jacket or just a smart top - don't want to look to business like as they know I work with 5 year olds and will be going back to work!

Stress is getting to me - had a bit of a tantrum today and had to apologise to kids!!! Said what a silly mummy, that they sometimes felt like thatetc etc - both cuddled me and said if daddy hadn't left you wouldn't b upset...... Dd (5) has situation and OW sussed.

had so much abuse from him on mobile - just gets to you. never mentioned court. I actually bought a new mob a few days ago so I can switch old one and his rantings off.

Anyway I'm ranting now!! Am just gonna imagine Monty's scenarion beforehand and hopefully nothing will surprise me!

OP posts:
monty27withbellson · 03/01/2009 23:19

So sad for you Leslaki and I'm glad my post has helped. (Your last one has really choked me up)

Dress in the way that makes you feel good, have every confidence in yourself and in what a lovely mother you are.

Keep posting we're all here.

glitterfairy · 04/01/2009 11:57

Leslaki, it is all a bit of an emotional roller coaster at this stage I know but hang on there and you will be happier than you have ever been I promise!

I went through two and a half years of this and he lost!

Have now gone through three and a half years of working to get child maintenance and he lost!

Chin up and keep fighting and it will be ok.

Original poster
Leslaki · 05/01/2009 18:15

Thanks for all your support. Got email from solicitor to say that so far they have not heard of he has contested it or not - know he was planning to. So gottta wait till nearer the time to find out what's gonna happen. Solicitor says he won't be attending unless I really want him to as the cost will be horrendous and he won't need to be there. Suppose it's all a bit of a formality really. Still gonna go along eveb if it's just a rehearsal for the biggie in feb.

I'll get through it and throw the biggest and best party ever!!!

OP posts:
stareye · 05/01/2009 19:01

Are you going along for the actual divorce hearing? Or is it for the finances or an occupation order?

Original poster
Leslaki · 06/01/2009 23:12

This is the decree nisi andcosts for divorce. Feb 3rd is for finances and I ahve still to decide on a court application re contact. nightmare. can't wait till it's over!! He's not tried to see kids but is happy to blame me when they phone him .

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 07/01/2009 15:28

Why? Is he contesting decree or costs because otherwise no need to be there. Mine contested costs and lost, again!

Monty100 · 08/01/2009 21:05

I don't think you need to be there for a decree nisi. It's a rubber stamp job isn't it usually?

glitterfairy · 08/01/2009 21:55

Anyway good luck leslaki but only go if he is contesting it all. Monty is right there is no need otherwise.

Monty100 · 08/01/2009 22:47

Good luck Lesaki.. x

Lauriefairycake · 08/01/2009 22:55

I went with my mil for exactly this just before Christmas. No one was allowed to go in with her. It was in small 10 by 10 conference room (no scary court office). They were in there 10 minutes.

Her idiot ex-husband starting bringing up a load of crap with the judge. He shut him down immediately and said "Irrelevant,do you agree to pay half of the costs (£150)". Ex was so stunned he said "Well yes". Then carried on talking crap. Judge stood up and said the session has been decided the usher will take you out.

The biggest problem was that my mil's solicitor (who wasn't there as she's trying to keep costs down) had given her the impression that she would be claiming half of all costs (ie. the costs to argue make decisions - currently running at 1500). No, it was decide to pay half of the actual court costs (which is half of 300).

So she was pretty disappointed but delighted he had shot himelf in the foot by agreeing in a very quick rash moment.