Feeling like a useless mother - sorry long post.

[lottymadbird]

I found out yesterday that someone who i though was a really good friend has been criticising the way I'm bringing up DS. She said a) that DS should not be in a cot at his age (he's 2.5), b) should not be having naps in the afternoon and c) that I'm obviously losing it because I didnt answer the door when she came round in the week.

DS had not been well for ages and so I have put off putting him in a new bed for fear of disturbing his sleep anymore than it already has been, in my opinion he needs a nap because he sleeps 2-3hrs and still sleeps 12 at night and I didnt answer the door because I was trying to calm DS down at the time.

I'm so annoyed she's been saying these things behind my back, she doesn't have children of her own so has never experienced being a parent let alone a LP.

On top of that DP (not DS's father) said to someone else that I've not been coping very well this week. Its been a difficult week, had to take DS up to hospital for tests and he's had a very bad ear infection too. I think I have been coping although on two occasions I had to just leave the room for 2 minutes to calm down because there was just nothing I could do with DS he'd got himself in such a state. Wish I hadn't told DP about it, and feel like he's betrayed a confidence.

I dont know... am I totally off in my parenting because DS is still not in a cot?

I feel like I dont have anyone on my side and I'm doing it all wrong.

You sound like you are doing everything exactly RIGHT!! If your ds needs the sleep (and he obviously does), then let him. He will probably need it even more if he has been poorly. My ds is 4 and will still have a nap in the afternoon if we are in the car (can't persuade him at home!) but I have spent years with people telling me that he "will grow out of that soon", when in fact he has needed it. He still sleeps well at night too.

As far as the cot is concerned, if your ds is comfortable that is all that is important at the moment. It sounds like you have enough on your plate without playing musical beds...

Imho, it is often those friends without children who have most to say - everyone else (who is genuinely your friend) will support you and your decisions.

As far as taking some time out, that is enirely unserstandable and necessary. Maybe you need to explain how you feel to your dp - maybe he was just worried about you??

Take care of yourself and keep doing what you are doing!!

Oh God, please don't listen to her! What on earth does she know, even if she did have children then each child is different.

Also it's OK to have a crisis moment, and to admit that you're not coping very well once in a while. Parenting is hard! What your DP SHOULD be doing is helping you out when things get tough..... I can't imagine life as a LP, it's tough enough as it is with DH helping...

If you want to keep DS in a cot, then you should, and if he needs his naps (which he obviously does) then so be it, and if you didn't answer the door to your friend coz you were busy then bully for her!

Ignore her. And unless she is family and you have to put up with her, I would certainly think about having a break from seeing her and her oh so helpfull critism for a while(I'd also be tempted to tell her that you wern't 'losing it' because you didn't answer the door, you just didn't want the 'pleasure' of her company )
Of maybe next time you see her you could return the 'favour' a give her a long list of ways she could do her job better, improve her lovelife, be better in bed, healthier, organise her house ect ect... and see how she likes it!

You sound like a lovely, caring mum to me, who is doing the very best she can. Please, try to take no notice of these comments, easy to say I know!
I wouldn't worry about still using the cot - i think dd was well over 2 before we put her in a bed (cot bed). And dd certainly still had an afternoon nap at that age. She still does sometimes if we're in the car, and she's 4 now!

I would let her know that you are aware she has been talking about her and remind her that it is none of her buisness how you parent your child!
Some people have a bloody nerve,
My first needed his day time nap till over 3 my second sadly decided he didnt at two so the older one napped whille I entertained the younger, all children are different and nobody knows your child like you do!
The cot thing is purely personal choice and if youre both happy sod her!

oops 'talking about you!'

hoep DS is feeling better you are doing fine!

dd2 still naps sometimes when she needs it (almost 4) - and ds2 is still in a cot (gasp!) at almost 2.5, and no plans to move him out til he starts banging his head

Thanks for all your words of support. but I have known her for nearly 20 years, she was with me when DS was born and I never thought she'd feel the way she obviously does about how I look after DS.

Jellies... I did ring her last night just to check if what our mutual friend had told me was true about what she had said and she said she did say those things and that she was sorry. Sorry she said them or sorry i found out i dont know.

She seems to compare me to our mutual friend who has a DD 3 months. She was saying yesterday that -mutual friend- always takes DD to the pub on Sundays and can cope so why shouldnt I go every week when my DS is so much easier to handle now he's older. I didnt go because DS was ill and tbh I cannot afford to go anyway, and it seems she took the opportunity to tell everyone what she really thinks about me.

Bloody busybody!! I hate all that shit, she sounds like she is no friend if she can do that. If she was so concerned about you, why not offer some practical help? Silly cow.

As far as I am concerned if you are not suicidal you are doing ok. You sound far from that, it's just been a tough week. If you and your ds are happy with sleeping arrangements, have the courage to tell others to mind their own.

As for dp, ask him how he would feel if you discussed his "failures" with friends. Tell him next time he can't get it up you'll be sure to ask for your mates advice, see how he likes it.

Not suggesting that he is impotent btw!!

Well I'd much rather take a 3 month old for sunday dinnerwith mostly adult company than a three year old any day of the week, three month olds nap time could coencide with dinnertime anyway so she could be asleep the whole time,and even if she wakes up shes not moble yet and can be cuddled/fed or taken for a push in the pram outside.
Three year old is much more of a challenge if they arn't in the mood, and your constantly fielding 'mummy i bored, i need a POOO I don't like this yukky FOOOOD' while trying to restrain them from running round, accidentally knocking everything off the table and stopping them sucking the salt shaker...

Oh friends like that drive me mad, infact I reckon a 3 month is easier to deal with than a 2.5 year old. esp. as they only eat shit and sleep. I know when I take my 18 month DS anywhere I constantly have to watch him, never had to do that when he was nice and snug in a car seat!

Oh she knows nothing, tell her to come back when she's a mum and not until-she cannot possibly critisize til then..

Also...I go to the pub with dh and ds 16months every friday night and it is a bloody NIGHTMARE!! When he was teeny it was great, everyone passed him roumd for cuddles and we preened at how easy this whole parenthood malarky was. Now...he is all over, running behind the bar, into the kitchen, knocking over drinks, climbing the steps. I'm sure everyone groans when they see us, but I will not be beaten!!! But its not much fun, I have to say.

Cut her out. I know its a long friendship, but what does she bring to the table? Nowt but misery for you by the sounds of thinkgs. Tell her you want to take a break from her and when she feels she can be less critical and more actively supportive you will be happy to see her. Balls in her court.

lotty your put your sick child first so your so called friend should get over it and you should be getting more support from her and you dp, so what if he sleeps in a cot still and has an afternoon nap, my friend's daughter is 4 and still has afternoon naps, I think what you are doing is fine so ignore the people who are only there to put you down and maybe think of finding new friends.

Normally when I go DS is an absolute star (as long as i keep him entertained) but I'm not taking him when he's ill and grumpy. TBH dont think I'll ever feel comfortable going out with that group again.

-mutualfriend- is very forthcoming on her advice on parenting which is quite easy for her to do when she has DH to support her and like you say much easier when her DD is only 3 months old and has a dummy stuffed in her mouth at every gurgle (not that I'm judging, each to their own if it works for her but is not an option for me and DS!).

Thanks everyone, I've gone from feeling inadequate and sorry for myself to feeling quite angry about it.

DP thinks I was out of order having a go at him for saying what he did !

I was given some great advice when i was a new mum, which i wish i had followed more often in hind sight. 'Ignore all the advice you're given and do what you feel is best and right for you and your child'

Course technically i should have ignored that advice...!

It easy to worry yourself silly about what other people think and start to doubt yourself and your parenting abilities, especially when you are in a difficult and stressful time and could use support rather than critisism.

However, I now remind myself about things I said or thought before i was a parent about friends with children, and boy do i cringe! Now i understand i had no clue at all and so when people without children (like my youngest sister) offer advice or opinions i just smile to myself and remember how i had no clue and clearly they have no clue either so their opinion really isn't worth a lot.

She might be a really old friend, but what kind of friend criticises you behind your back rather than offering you help and understanding? Ask her for those things and you might just get them. And if she want sto go out for a drink suggest she buys the drink and comes round to yours as you can't afford the evening out or a babysitter. She might start to understand, but then again she probably won't until she hs her own children.

You clearly have enough to deal with right now. Hard as it is try and ignore it, and remind yourself she has no clue. And if it carries on then it might be time to consider moving on to a new circle of friends who do understand...

Take care
Gilly

Gilly.. I was the same as you pre DS, infact I distinctly remember saying children should NEVER be allowed in pubs!

She can't have children, which is very sad and so to some degree I can understand her involving herself so much in mine and mutual friends DCs. I just didnt think she thought I was doing such a bad job.

As TREBUCHET said just turn the tables and ask him how he'd like it if you were talking about him to friends and It got back to him?
You have every right to feel angry..
Everyone will do things slightly/very differently when it comes to parenting, you sound like a loving mummy who puts her little boy first when he's ill.
If I can't afford to go out I don't. I'd get a lot of not coping comments if my parenting skills were judged on my ability to go out! LOL

Thats the worst thing when people critocize your parenting skills especially whe your trying your best. My sister is the worst person for this. Her little girl was perfect baby material and my sister didnt really have to try to get her into a routine... she just did it of her own accord. My little boy on the other hand can be a bit of a handfull and she will constantly say "you should do this" or "he shouldnt still be having a bottle at night" and the most anoying is "he's only like it because your letting him be like it"
dont let it get to you. You know your child better than anyone and your doing what you think is best which in 99% of situations usually is. This woman doesnt even have kids so what does she know!
I wouldnt take what your dp said personally, perhaps he was worried about the maount of stress you were under and was just trying to get a bit of advice, rather than betray your confidence.
Your doing fine. dont let anyone tell u any different!

A) Good for you not answering the door to this back stabbing interfering nosey old person - make sure you keep this up!

B) Do not move a child from one form of slepping aperatus to another when illness is a problem - this will make the problem worse - any mother worth her salt knows this. Any person that hasn't had dc hasn't experianced this problem

C) Every child and mother is unique - have there own unique ways and remember that you are wonderful a mother in your uniqueness

D) get ride of dead beat friends that bring you down and surrond yourself with loyal friends that care truely about you....

I would really like to think that I (and I presume many of us on here) would have seen you stressed out and offered to take your son off your hands for a few hours, even if it just meant you going to Tesco's without him and stopping for a coffee and a bit of 'me time'.. NOT critising you for losing the plot....... Isn't that what friends are for (even if you didn't take me up on the offer)?

She really never used to be like this, thats why i was so shocked she said those things (and thought she must be right because normally she isn't so judgemental). I think maybe in hindsight I was a bit sensitive after a bad week.

Just picked up a message on my phone from her saying she's sorry and we need to talk about it.

I hope she makes it up to you-doesn't sound at all supportive, critisising you to others.

I had other mums slagging me off about my parenting when ds was little because he didn't have naps like their dcs did.

Made me feel very and inadequate at the time and remember trying to explain that he DIDN'T need naps and would be up 'til 1 or 2 in the morning if I did manage to get him down!And I would've liked it if he did nap so I could have a minute to myself like they did!

Has since been diagnosed with autism-still finds it hard to sleep at night.

Goes to show that each child's needs are different and who knows better than their parents?

well, just spoken to her on the phone and she said it wasnt just her but that everyone else was talking about it and that the person who told me what she said was the one who started the conversation off although she wouldnt tell me what he said.

I can't understand how its got to be like this, we used to all be good friends and now I feel like i dont know any of them.

Oh and that DS obviously does need to be in a bed because he climbed out of his cot the other day. That was once that he's done that. Although I guess she does have a point.

Hi Lotty - I a single parent (since preganancy) to DS 2.4months. He still has 2 hours everyday in his cot - sometimes more and sleeps 12 hours. I tried him in a bed at just before 2 and it didn't work so i put him back in his cot (people may not agree but it works for us and that is all that matters).

I have slightly been victim to this as you have - I did speak to them and they said to me it was more of a worried thing and they felt I needed a break (and that's how the conversation started). Hence then I got lots of babysitting offers - which I took!

Would you consider talking to the others in the group? I'm glad I did as i really do ponder on these things and make it ten times worse in my head. One of the girls who had been discussing has just had her first born on Tuesday and she called round for a cuppa last night and said 'no-one warns you do they' and it made me laugh lots!!!

Sounds more like a bitch than a friend