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Original poster

How to not feel really bitter!!

26 replies

Oogabooga123 · 21/09/2022 19:02

XP and I split New Year’s Eve - my decision, and should have been made years ago.

since then he has lived at his mums and has our youngest DC (7) over to stay a few nights a week.

oldest DC (11) won’t go and middle DC (9) has severe Autism and isn’t allowed in their house.

they live on the road behind and I often give him a lift to work so see him most days but he’s been pretty unhelpful with our disabled DC.

well yesterday he let me know he has met someone and they are looking for a house to move in together etc etc

and I’m honestly fuming, and I’m quite shocked at that tbh.

just feel like he behaved so shit and was so awful to me yet he gets to Swan off and enjoy his life and I’m stuck raising 3 kids basically alone.

DC2 will never live independently so sat here with that feeling that my life is over, and also that I presume at some point I’m going to have to send my kids to his with some new lady and I just hate it, what if they like her more than me or don’t want to come back here.

not even sure I have a question just needed to vent!

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 21/09/2022 19:25

You know what would help instantly? Stop giving him lifts to work 🤦🏻 That’s madness!

VroomVrooom · 21/09/2022 19:27

and I often give him a lift to work

😳

What? Why?

HE should be helping YOU!

I’m sorry you’re down. Your kids aren’t going to like her more than they like you. Flowers

Pumpkinsnearlyready · 21/09/2022 19:31

Yeah but you get 3 great dc.. And his new gf gets him.
Booby prize or what?

Lennybenny · 21/09/2022 19:33

I know exactly how you feel. It's horrible. I want to get in the car and go and give him a piece of paper with the very long list of things I've done in the last 14 years to support our children and the blank piece of paper where he's done nothing but live off his new wife who earns a lot of money and spends it all on him because he's a manipulative narcissistic arsehole...not bitter at all

Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 21/09/2022 19:50

Pumpkinsnearlyready · 21/09/2022 19:31

Yeah but you get 3 great dc.. And his new gf gets him.
Booby prize or what?

Right now it feels like I got the booby prize, of the violent child who never sleeps and is destructive.

obviously I wouldn’t give him not his dad but it just kind of sucks tbh. like I feel like he shouldn’t get to be happy, as he doesn’t deserve it. I’m sure his GF is lovely, all I know is she’s a bit older than him and doesn’t have kids (and too old to have them now)

OP posts:
Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 21/09/2022 19:52

VroomVrooom · 21/09/2022 19:27

and I often give him a lift to work

😳

What? Why?

HE should be helping YOU!

I’m sorry you’re down. Your kids aren’t going to like her more than they like you. Flowers

I know.

but if I say no my life isn’t worth living and that is a huge reason why I don’t want to be with him.

but in truth I met him when I was 15, and he was 29 and 15 years later He still knows exactly what to say and how to say it that it’s easier just to say yes.

OP posts:
Pumpkinsnearlyready · 21/09/2022 20:01

Realistically what can he do op?

SpinningFloppa · 21/09/2022 20:04

It’s usually the case that men move on quicker though? I’ve been single for 5 years since ex left as I’m with the kids 24/7 whereas he gets to live his life and move on as if they don’t exist, it’s hard not to be bitter but I think you are mad for giving him lifts when he won’t even look after kids own kids

whatstheteamarie · 21/09/2022 20:07

Surely when he has his own place (albeit with a new partner) you can move to a 50/50 parenting split and share the parental load.

This could be a really positive thing for you.

Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 21/09/2022 20:25

whatstheteamarie · 21/09/2022 20:07

Surely when he has his own place (albeit with a new partner) you can move to a 50/50 parenting split and share the parental load.

This could be a really positive thing for you.

Sounds amazing written down but realistically he will probably ensure he never has all 3 on the same night to prevent me being able to have a life.

he’s been kicking up a stink all week as DS SEN social worker referred us to a parenting apart course and obviously I should just talk to him and tell him exactly what I want him to do and we don’t need extra help but if that was true case we wouldn’t be 9 months down the line and me still not feeling like I can stand up for myself or put my foot down

OP posts:
qpmz · 21/09/2022 21:07

Please stop giving him a lift. Start tomorrow by saying you're not feeling well and he needs to get a cab. Can't he even drive? His new girlfriend can be lumbered with driving him if that's the case.

Pumpkinsnearlyready · 21/09/2022 21:11

Imo find a babysitter.. He needs that bit of power removed op. You absolutely can do that. I appreciate finding one for challenging dc may not be easy but ask at the school/nursery.

Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 21/09/2022 21:24

His work is on the way to the DC school, so he knows I’m going that way anyway.

yes can drive and has his own car but has a brake light out the he CBA to get fixed (as that sort of thing I always arranged but I’m refusing to do it) so he uses my car or gets me to drive him.

and if I say no then the threats to not pay anything start (DC1 has a very expensive hobby that I can’t afford alone and he knows that but would ruin her if she had to give it up)

R.E a babysitter, my own family will only do a max of 2 hours, his family won’t have him at all. He gets 6 hours a week of respite funded but can’t find anywhere that will take him as he needs personal care, is aggressive, a bolter, destructive etc.

he’s about to get kicked off school transport that only started last week as he keeps assaulting the chaperone

OP posts:
BeNice01 · 21/09/2022 21:52

Feeling bitter is human. Don’t suppress the feelings. Let yourself feel and release them. It’s better to rant here than to you ex. It’s undeniable that life is currently not fair for you.

Have you had a joint discussions about the future of the children and you as co-parents? It’s amicable and admirable of you to give him lifts. He should reciprocate with a few gestures.

Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 21/09/2022 22:07

No we can’t seem to reach a reasonable discussion on it,

he goes on the offensive and then I shut down and nothing ever seems to get sorted. Especially for autistic DC a routine needs to be in place. We’ve been referred to a ‘parenting apart’ programme which is a lot like couples counselling by the sounds of it but for split parents. Will see if we get anywhere…

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 21/09/2022 22:10

O- are you still in love with him or something and furious as you know now he really isn’t coming back? Driving him to work is crazy stuff.

Floweryflora · 21/09/2022 22:11

It’s amicable and admirable of you to give him lifts

no it’s not, get a grip.

ObjectionSustained · 21/09/2022 22:22

middle DC (9) has severe Autism and isn’t allowed in their house

This is just cruel.

OP, stop giving him lifts to work - he shouldn't be relying on you for that the cheeky bastard! You know the saying, give an inch; they'll take a mile.

Is there any support in place for middle DC? Respite care? Special school? What support have you got?
It's so important for you to find and build a support network that doesn't include the ex; clearly he is useless and unreliable.
I know it takes time but once you've built a network that includes respite, you'll have some time for you. You deserve that.

Let him crack on with the new partner. He won't have changed and soon will show his true colours with her too.

Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 21/09/2022 22:28

ObjectionSustained · 21/09/2022 22:22

middle DC (9) has severe Autism and isn’t allowed in their house

This is just cruel.

OP, stop giving him lifts to work - he shouldn't be relying on you for that the cheeky bastard! You know the saying, give an inch; they'll take a mile.

Is there any support in place for middle DC? Respite care? Special school? What support have you got?
It's so important for you to find and build a support network that doesn't include the ex; clearly he is useless and unreliable.
I know it takes time but once you've built a network that includes respite, you'll have some time for you. You deserve that.

Let him crack on with the new partner. He won't have changed and soon will show his true colours with her too.

He has been in special school since he was 3.

he’s not allowed in Ex mums house as he is destructive and breaks stuff…

I mean my own family if they will watch him will have him here where he’s already broken everything 😂

he has a SEN social worker and she’s really great, got our hours upped from 3 to 6 a week in term time and 8 hours a week in the holidays but it’s just trying to find a suitable placement at the moment as he’s too high needs for some places and the places that could take him have Long waiting lists…

she has recently put into place a carers package which includes a cleaner 2 hours a week which has been amazing.

just frustrating because his dad can help, but won’t, he can’t have him at his mums and won’t have him here as ‘you kicked me putt so clearly I’m not welcome in the house’

OP posts:
Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 21/09/2022 22:32

Do I love him? Maybe? Honestly brain has been so twisted over the years I don’t really know.

Do I want him back? No, I could have had him back at any point in the last 9 months, I’m trying to break down the generational trauma that has probably caused me to stay with him so long in the first place, and to try and show my own children that you can leave a relationship if someone treats you badly.

but still im not able to say no, and I keep walking myself that tomorrow I will and yet here I still am doing it and feeling like im too afraid to put my foot down, which is where I’m hoping this split parenting counselling will work because there will be someone else in the room.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oogabooga123 · 22/09/2022 13:34

And no mentioned he won’t be around for the next week as he’s going away… no mention of the fact it’s our sons birthday on Tuesday 😡

OP posts:
Adamclaytonisfine · 03/04/2023 11:13

I am going through this exact thing, albeit without an SEN child and I do feel so bloody bitter. My ex hasn't seen the kids since Jan for a weekend and barely pays anything also. He tells them he will see them or come to things they'll invite him to and then cancel or just not even show. I hate that he can just swan off with his new girlfriend and Im left to be sole parent. Feeling bitter does not mean you don't love your kids or love being a mother. You're allowed to feel this way.

Stop giving him lifts, in fact stop contacting him full stop. I've had to do this and it's been so hard but ultimately I think that'll piss him off more than anything. We also have a huge age gap and I was so young when we met. I'm now realising with the gift of distance that he was an abusive piece of crap and we're better off without him. You need to give yourself that distance. With any luck his new place with gf will be miles away.

Take care of yourself.

Iguanainanigloo · 03/04/2023 11:27

Surely once he has his new place he will have to have all the kids? He is their father and equally responsible for them so that's that. Lay down the expectations now. Also, your 11 year old, is exactly that... 11, they don't get to dictate what they're doing, and as much as they "don't want to", a regular relationship needs to be facilitated with their father for long term positives, for the child, father and you. That's non negotiable. Stock up for yourself a little op. He's clearly not going to offer to do more than what you're expecting of him, so up the bar, and tell him going forward, what he needs to do, on which days of the week, to give you some much needed child free time, and so he's doing his fair share as their father. You need to take charge of this situation, with regards to his involvement, your kids wants Vs needs, and your own mental health and wellbeing. You're not going to be able to be the parent or human you want to be, whilst feeling burnt out, exhausted, and harbouring resentment and bitterness like this. But you can change this by moving the goal posts to a fairer position and not letting others (including an 11 year old) call the shots.

Iguanainanigloo · 03/04/2023 11:31

Dc2 many never live independently, but that's not all on you... He has two parents who both need to actively be involved and share the work this is going to require now and in the future. Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of doing everything, when he's got an able bodied and present father there who can shoulder half the workload. It will do you all the world of good to get all kids into a strict routine and schedule with regular contact with their father. The kids may not see this now, but for them and yourself, make a plan, and ensure everyone sticks to it. Good luck

PopethYnIawn · 03/04/2023 11:52

It's really shit, I'm not sure what the answer is, as it is difficult not to be bitter. I try hard not to be.

I go through phases of being fine and it does get better. But occasionally it is really hard to see past that they get to walk away and leave it all.

It takes time, but things will get easier and it's early days for you. Def stop giving him a lift, and making his life easier. Fuck that.

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