Is it a waste of time chasing child support?

[Whatwouldscullydo]

So ex had been up until recently reliable with weekly payments. Except a few weeks ago started with health issues that resulted in hospital stays and getting arsey with me for asking questions relating to the organisation of sorting out the kids which incidentally also cost me work but without the luxury of being able to drop providing for my kids as an.optional bill

Luckily the kids are older ( 11 and 15 )so leaving them for relatively short shifts in the week wasn't too much of a problem although the teenager was left to pick up the slack and baby sit her younger sister for me.

I still lost out on my longer shift on Sundays a couple of times as I didn't want to leave dd1 taking care of dd2 for the whole day including until late. And grand parents bailed me out too on a couple of occasions.

Note I sorted this and dd1 took the hit when realky as he was meant to be having them and doing their dinner it would not have killed him.to Try and arrange something.

Anyway he missed 3 weeks worth of payments which I'm really pissed about because well the kids aren't optional and he not only didn't have them or feed them for nearly 3 weeks he didn't pay for them either .

I know he couldn't help being sick but then he'd not have given up work to take them.if I'd have been.sick that probably would have been.down to my parents and I'm.just supposed to jusy say nothing.

I dont want a fight so I'm.just wondering if its worth even going there or just hope that now I got a payment ( 1 weeks worth not any back.pay) i keep my mouth shut,.and hope that's the end of it.

Anyone with any experience of this?

He is self employed I should add but then he has a savings account and despite regularly moaning about not being able to afford much more than we paid in rent to get some where bigger and the arguments that resulted in,, now pays more in rent amd child support than the rent increase would have been had we moved 🤔🙄 and with enough left over fir this like an e scooter and a vr head set...

So sorry but I don't worry about his finances even if he's been.off work

I think if he’s reinstated then maybe leave it
My ex hasnt paid for two years ! Bit can buy himself a new car.

If he’s usually good and reliable then I would leave it, if he’s self employed you would probably get no where with the cms, why is he paying weekly though wouldn’t monthly make more sense?

I think he needs to pay. As you say, it isn’t optional.

My (also self employed) ex has been known to just not pay, or reduce payments without warning due to “increase in his outgoings” or the fact that his girlfriend became a full time student and he has to support her..

I don’t have the option of not paying for the things DC need, I’ve used a credit card when necessary to pay for DC medical bills when we had no choice but to pay privately to get her seem, because I am their mother and can’t just cancel supporting them if times are hard !

Maybe you can offer to take the back payments in smaller instalments from him but I don’t think you should just write them off.

I‘ve just noticed you said he has a savings account - that’s even worse! He can’t save whilst not paying towards his children’s upbringing.

He prefers getting paid weekly so I think that's just how he asks to be paid now. As I think he said befire he finds it easier to orgnise his finances this way.

So that's how I get paid too.

Luckily I'm not so short at the moment I'm.gonna be in serious trouble but between losing my big shifts and not being able to do any over time it's not been a small hit even if its just 3 weeks.

That's what I'm.worried about banana that the kids will just be the first to go whenever he has a flare up and cant work .

Plus he's already warned the kids that the medication may make him moody and he has to ne careful of they get sick so imo he's gearing up to excuse not only being an.arse to them but fir not taking at least the youngest (.dd1 chooses to stay home some times as she cant face him) every time they get a sniffle

It sounds as though he's having to adjust to a lifelong condition and you're not overly sympathetic to how this impacts him now psychologically nor understanding of the implications of being what sounds like immunocompromised.

He sounds as though he's been sensible and transparent with the children tbh. And that's, imo, a good thing.

If you opt for an informal child maintenance agreement then you accept that this does mean that in the leaner times this maybe reduced.

Given he's self employed, it's very likely that you'd receive far lower cm via cms. Savings are irrelevant, as is how he opts to spend his money. Ultimately you're the resident parent and so you're responsible for managing your responsibility to your household etc. Yes, morally he should pay, but if receiving no income then there's no money for outgoings. Morally not ideal, but the reality.

@ChoiceMummy

It sounds as though he's having to adjust to a lifelong condition and you're not overly sympathetic to how this impacts him now psychologically nor understanding of the implications of being what sounds like immunocompromised.

He sounds as though he's been sensible and transparent with the children tbh. And that's, imo, a good thing.

If you opt for an informal child maintenance agreement then you accept that this does mean that in the leaner times this maybe reduced.

Given he's self employed, it's very likely that you'd receive far lower cm via cms. Savings are irrelevant, as is how he opts to spend his money. Ultimately you're the resident parent and so you're responsible for managing your responsibility to your household etc. Yes, morally he should pay, but if receiving no income then there's no money for outgoings. Morally not ideal, but the reality.

His kids still need to eat, surely that's what his savings are for.

If I'm honest no I'm not particularly sympathetic. He has friends and family for that. Well he would if he bothered keeping in touch with any of them. Spent several years being held hostage with his moods and/or his indifference to the kids, and inability to so much as make it to one assembly or do much with them.besides hand them over some cash every now and then.

The whole point of splitting was that he was no longer my problem.

I don’t think you’ll get anywhere with cms. They don’t take savings into account, only earnings, and he hasn’t actually earned anything in the last few weeks. It’s a shit situation all round really

And as fir being sensible with being around kids and any immuno suppression side effects of drugs , well

I spent years asking him to give up smoking. I threw away countless dinners as he had chosen to stay out drinking instead. He chose to sleep on the sofa rather than see a dr about his snoring so he could actually get proper sleep ,.and I'm supposed to believe he actually cares about his health now.

Not like I haven't been.left sick and looking after kids. Or the time he fucked off on.Holiday after dd1 got back from a.week.in.hospital when she was little.

His health not my issue. Feeding the kids is

You say yourself he’s been reliable up until now so I do think YABU, he is ill so isn’t working, sounds like you’ve had it quite good if he’s always paid reliably.

@Rummikub

I think if he’s reinstated then maybe leave it My ex hasnt paid for two years ! Bit can buy himself a new car.

Snap.

I know bab

He would probably quite happily in fact he did lay into me over the fact I was only concerned with the kids and my job. Someone had to be ffs. I'm not his wife not my responsibility to hold his hand.

I'd have just liked some.of what he owes me so I can go do a food shop.

It sucks because we as resident parent don't make the children an option. And just keep cutting back or borrowing to provide for the children.

They have 2 parents when the other parent isnt making the same sacrifice it is upsetting.

We all have the same sort of story. My ex has hardly paid a penny toward our children but is happy with gf and supporting her and her children. So that family has 3 adults providing for them. Yet I'm struggling with my sole income.

The fact that he is self employed means it's very unlikely to improve if you use the Cms. So think you need to accepted this for what it is.

With the age of your children would he not have them whilst you work. They aren't little. As you say if he can't provide for them at least this way you are able to?

Yy unicorn

I know it seems odd to be worrying over 3 payments when others have it worse. But it's just the mindset that worries me. Despite over a decade of my hours being worked around his job developments and what he wants to do ( like spend all day Saturday at a mates or deciding to work then going to a mates after instead of I dunno, doing something as a family) , somehow there's the potential fir yet more obstacles in doing the little he does with them. Or thr potential that he's just going to not give me anything if he has to take more time off work.

Anyone else I'd probably give the benefit of the doubt to but given when all excuses were stripped away in lockdown, ie no visiting mates no working sleeping in so no tiredness from the early starts etc he still couldn't make it out fir even 1 single walk with us. Not once. In 2 lockdowns. Was the final straw tbh.

Guess I'll see how it goes. I've always promised myself I'd not be one of those crazy exs everyone talks about but now I wonder if people really are as crazy as their ex boyfriends make out. Maybe they just stop refusing to make the larnetimg convenient for them, and expect them.to trouble.shoot the way we have too, and God forbid I dunno shower when the kids are there so when I've gone to work.your dd isn't doing your job for you and just bringing themselves over when you are " ready"

We will always be the crazy ex. Regardless of what we do.

It isn't ok he stopped paying even one month. The kids don't stop needing to be provided for. And it's the unfairness of it that stings. It still makes me angry that I've struggled and will continue to do so whilst he has nights out. New clothes etc. I keep making do.

I can see mine complaining to whoever will listen about me asking for money 'again'. When he has paid up about six months in nearly 5 years. They will write their narrative to suit them.

I try not to give it head space it is only upsetting me.

I think the thing that pissed me off the most was him getting angry id not brought the kidd to hospital to see him.

Yet the only reason they'd had any contact with him the whole time was because I let dd2 call him and text him from my phone.
The only contact he had with dd1 was him texting her that she could text from her phone and not need to use mine.

There have also been occasions that he's outright lied to/gaslighted the kids trying to make me the bad guy. He's actually wasted time he has with them moaning about me.

Luckily on one occasion I was able to prove the conversation he'd claimed never actually happened.

They don't want to take responsibility for their relationships with their children. So blame others as that is easier then reflecting and taking ownership of their own behaviour.

I don't engage about anything above pick up times and are you paying some money this month.

His relationship with the children is on him. They have phones. The youngest at an age I really wasn't happy about but it was to facilitate his relationship with him.

I try my best to be positive about him I'm sure I don't always get it right but I try my best. The eldest is 16 now so has their own mind about things. I don't cover or tell lies. But try to be tactful and honest in an appropriate way x

That's what I try and do. The oldest isn't that fussed about him tbh. She quite often doesn't bother going over . Will just drop off her sister and go back home. He has noticed but I'm not explaining to him and she doesn't have to. If he can't figure it out that's his problem. No longer ny job to hand hold and spoon.feed him

@Whatwouldscullydo
It's quite obvious from your tone, how you feel towards him.

I do think that yabu not to have taken the children to see him in hospital.

As explained, as resident parent the buck stops with you and relying so heavily on child maintenance is not advisable. Though given you've had reliable payments to date, I can see how it's happened. But moving forward I wouldn't be.

You have no recourse.

If you wish to continue with the acrimony then go to the cms, but you'll most likely be losing out financially. But it will give you a consistent amount unless his income reduces by 25% over all.

You may also want to seek counselling support as you seem so incredibly impacted by your past.

The worry is if you let it slide this time is he likely to do it again?

Why would I take them to the hospital they had school and i was at work in the evenings and the only days I had off they had a stomach bug. Which he would have known had he bothered to actually speak to them. He made no contact with them at all. I did. It came from me.

Believe me that was noticed by the kids.

And last time I checked people didn't need counselling because they realised their partners were dickheads amd dumped them