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Original poster

Daughter won’t go to school

64 replies

TurnUpTurnip · 03/12/2021 09:51

I wondered if anyone can advise me, I am a lone parent (fully lone no ex involved) my oldest is 10 and has asd (and awaiting adhd assessment) recently she has started refusing to go to school (I am unable to get to the bottom of why she just says that she doesn’t want to go to school, her speech and language and is very limited) I’m posting for advice on my other children, I was unable to get them to school today as my daughter refused to go, she threw herself on the floor screaming and started lashing out at me and the other children so I had no choice but to come home. Being a lone parent I don’t have anyone else that can do the school run (family/friends not available) what can I do here, my other children are upset that they can’t go to school.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 03/12/2021 10:07

I hope you told school it was school refusal rather than sickness?

That puts them down a different path. They can offer support - but they need to know what’s happening.

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 03/12/2021 10:08

Of course I didn’t say she was sick, I’ve had meetings with the school. I really want to focus on how I can get my other children to school for now rather than my daughter as that’s a much longer and complex situation.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/12/2021 10:14

This reply has been deleted

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BluebellsGreenbells · 03/12/2021 10:15

How old are the others? How far is the school?

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 03/12/2021 10:16

I can’t leave her home alone. Children younger are 9 7 and 4 school is 20 minutes walk each way, I don’t drive.

OP posts:
SpookyScarySkeletons · 03/12/2021 10:17

The very best price of advice I can give you is to join this Facebook group. Literally thousands of other parents going through the same thing.

www.facebook.com/groups/NFISFamilySupport/?ref=share

I had it for 3 years with my eldest and I can't even tell you how much I understand the strain it puts on the entire family. It's just awful.

Feel free to PM me if you want any additional support from someone who has been there!

SpookyScarySkeletons · 03/12/2021 10:18

@Viviennemary

I would put her put outside into the garden and take the others to school. And confined to her room when you get back. Its just not on. Especially the screaming and lashing out.
Seriously unhelpful.

I think you need to educate yourself on "school refusal" in ASD children before you start suggesting dishing out punishments. That is literally the best way to escalate into an even worse situation.

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 03/12/2021 10:32

SpookyScarySkeletons

Thank you I will take a look

I couldn’t put her in the garden she would be hysterical the police would likely be called by the neighbours! She threw herself on the floor this morning in the middle of the street and refused to get up, I got her up and grabbed her arm she tried to run off and she started hysterically scream “you cut me!” I didn’t she was wearing a jumper and a thick padded winter coat 😐 she then began screaming more and started lashing out at me and hit my 4 year old

OP posts:
Peppaismyrolemodel · 03/12/2021 10:37

@Viviennemary

I would put her put outside into the garden and take the others to school. And confined to her room when you get back. Its just not on. Especially the screaming and lashing out.
!! You know it’s snowing in some parts of the uk..?!
moresugarpls · 03/12/2021 10:40

@Viviennemary

I would put her put outside into the garden and take the others to school. And confined to her room when you get back. Its just not on. Especially the screaming and lashing out.
What ridiculous advice. Please ignore this

Op, would your DD qualify for school transport where they’d be picked up by a bus and taxi.

I had this problem with DS (autism and learning difficulties). He’d kick off just before we’d leave to nursery. That was 2 years ago. He’s since changed nursery and gets a lift everyday. He loves car rides so he’s happy to go.

Could you bring this up with your Senco or your DDs social worker?

Peppaismyrolemodel · 03/12/2021 10:40

Could you arrange to take her much later in the day? Half timetable kind of thing?
Make that clear to her- “you and me are taking x-siblings to school- but you are not going in, you’re staying with me”
Then after a few days of successfully doing the sibling school run with her, gradually bring her time earlier?

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 03/12/2021 10:54

My daughter does loves cars too she hates the walk we can use to bus but she behaves badly on them so most mornings I don’t want to use them, I’ve looked in to transport but the school told me she wouldn’t qualify due to me having other children at the school?! They would argue that I’m coming there anyway apparently!

That is something I could try bringing her in later I’m not sure she will believe me in the morning though that she doesn’t have to go

OP posts:
steppemum · 03/12/2021 10:58

I think the temporary solution is to find someone else to take the others.

Would a local childminder do it?
Is it possible to off another parent to pay them to take the others?
If you offer to pay, then it is not CF territory.

this would get the others to school, and give you space to work with your daughter, as soon as the pressure of time is off, then you can try other options for her.

bluebell34567 · 03/12/2021 11:00

@Viviennemary

I would put her put outside into the garden and take the others to school. And confined to her room when you get back. Its just not on. Especially the screaming and lashing out.
come on Vivienne, i know you are better than that.
bluebell34567 · 03/12/2021 11:02

sorry op for your daughter. you are a very brave and good mum dealing with her and the other 3 who are very young at the same time.
tell school how she throws herself on the floors while on way to school.
isnt there a senco in the school, behavioral therapist?

steppemum · 03/12/2021 11:03

Is it school or the walk? From your last post, I wonder if it is the walk.

How about a scooter? Buggy board?
bike? if she can't ride a 2 wheeled bike, how about a tricycle?

Can you make some pictures of the school day - walk, door, lesson, break time, lunch time etc
Then make some smiley and sad faces.
For each bit get her to give it a smiley/sad face. That might help you/her work out which bit of the day is a problem.

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 03/12/2021 11:06

She’s 10 so wouldn’t fit in a buggy, or on a buggy board she is as tall as me and in 13/14 clothes she’s very tall, she can’t ride a bike or scooter as she has no danger awareness and would just keep riding, roads are not something she takes into consideration, I don’t know if it’s the walk or school she won’t say she just screams every morning that she isn’t going

OP posts:
ticktockriojaoclock · 03/12/2021 11:07

I would put her put outside into the garden and take the others to school. And confined to her room when you get back. Its just not on. Especially the screaming and lashing out

Is this trolling? Or just a bad joke?
Sorry OP, it sounds tough for you. Have the school got a family liason or attendance officer that can offer advice or support?

blissfulllife · 03/12/2021 11:07

@Viviennemary

I would put her put outside into the garden and take the others to school. And confined to her room when you get back. Its just not on. Especially the screaming and lashing out.
Oh ffs please ignore this!!! Obviously someone with absolutely no idea about ASD
TomDaleysCardigan · 03/12/2021 11:10

What support have you got in place for you? Are you in receipt of any DLA for her and do you receive carers allowance? If it's something you don't already have and are eligible for, some of the money could be used for someone to supervise her for an hour in the morning while you do the drop off?

blissfulllife · 03/12/2021 11:11

My daughter is ASD and we had this same problem a couple of years ago. But luckily she's my youngest so I didn't have the added stress of managing younger children and getting them to school. I'm glad to see you've let school know the situation. We found a later start helped out dd. It was the morning noise and chaos that was triggering her. So I'd take her down about 15 mins after school started and she'd cope better with that. Do school have a breakfast club? We moved her onto the breakfast club eventually as it was quieter and only 15 kids there. It helped her slowly integrate into the school day. Best of luck I know how bloody stressful it is x

SeaToSki · 03/12/2021 11:29

Would your daughter believe that she has a school holiday for a week but the little ones still have to go? I think if you can manage to get her on the school run and bring her home again for a couple of days, she might believe you and then become calmer about the whole thing. Can you give her a special toy or activity to do that she only gets while on the school run that will de stress it for her? Like chewing gum, a bouncy ball on an elastic a pair of toy binoculars etc. Once she will do the school run willingly with the other dc then you can work on her school refusal.

Imitatingdory · 03/12/2021 13:24

Having other DC at the school does not mean DD does not qualify for transport. Ask the LA for transport, if you are refused contact SENTAS who can help with transport appeals.

Does DD have an EHCP? School refusal suggests the school is not meeting her needs.

If DD can not attend school the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative education.

Have you spoken to school about taking all DC to school slightly early or later to avoid the busy period? Can you afford a taxi in the short term, either for you all if DD can manage that or for your younger DC using a company who has DBS checked (perhaps one that also does LA transport)?

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 03/12/2021 16:18

I’m not sure if I could pay anyone to watch her as she can be aggressive, we do get dla. She does have an EHCP I’m not sure I could afford a taxi every day as I would need a 7 seater and those are more expensive, I couldn’t send the others in a taxi on their own as I couldn’t leave my 9 year old responsible for my 4 year old, I will try to work out some of the other suggestions thank you

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 03/12/2021 16:24

Ita rubbish isn't it Flowers. I've got a thread in 'teens' about school refusal. My DD is violent too. and I've been ignored for help for almost a decade.

And putting her in the garden is going to make bugger all difference. Except maybe encourage her climbing and escape skills, at best. And scare and freeze her at worst.